I know I promised Minho I would see him but I’m not in the mood for people right now. I went straight to my room after I was told the news. Kibum is awake and I’m not allowed to see after waiting six cruel months for this. He wouldn’t remember me anyway but still, I would give anything to just see him.

I still remember the first day I met him. It was four years ago when we were freshmen in high school. I can still picture him wearing that uniform that was always a little too tight and his expression almost like a lost puppy. I wasn’t interested in helping him out though. I didn’t need new friends, I had Minho, Onew, and Taemin. Us three were inseparable. I walked away from him and didn’t spare him another glance.

That is until Taemin brought him to our lunch table. Taemin was always too friendly.

“Everyone meet Kibum, he’s new here and I invited him to sit with us.” He said excitedly.

The look in his eyes told me that he thought we were all predators and he was our prey. He was terrified. Everyone at the table introduced themselves and I muttered a quick “I’m Jonghyun” and went back to eating. I didn’t think Kibum would fit in with our group, he was too reserved and timid. He didn’t talk much that day just answered a few simple yes or no questions that everyone was bombarding him with. I almost felt bad because he was so uncomfortable.

I can’t remember what was said then but all I remember is his smile. It made my heart stop and all I could do was stare. He had flawless teeth and lips that formed perfectly around them. Then I looked closer and saw his eyes. They were beautiful and sharp like he could pierce you soul with one look. He had me mesmerized. 

A knock on my door pulls me from my thoughts. “Honey, Minho is here.”

I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to see anyone except Kibum but I know that cant happen. I try to pull myself together but its no use. My eyes are blood shot and puffy and my hair is just not working today. I’m not trying to impress anyone anyway. I walk downstairs and see Minho standing there smiling. I’m almost positive he wasn’t informed that Kibum is awake, if he was I don’t think he would look so happy. I know I don’t.

His smile vanishes when he sees me. I must look that bad.

“Hey Jonghyun.” He says putting an arm around. He does this to comfort me but today it doesn’t work. Nothing will make this day better.

I remain silent as we walk to car, once we get in he decides to speak. “Hey, are you okay? Was it another bad night?” Some nights are worse than others. The nightmares would keep me awake constantly and it would take an immense amount of effort for the tears to stop. After those nights it would be hard for me to speak, eat or do anything like a normal human being.

I open my mouth to tell him what happened but I can’t get the words out but the tears don’t hesitate to fall.

“Hey, hey Jonghyun, its going to be okay, I promise.” He pulls me into his arms. I can’t do this, this is all too much for me right. I want to be asleep, I want to forget this happened if only for a short time but even in my sleep, my dreams refuse to let me forget. I can never escape this painful reality.

“He’s awake.” I manage to choke out. I feel his arms around me tense at the words. He pulls away and looks me in the eyes.

“What did you say.” He whispers, unable to comprehend what’s going on.

“He’s awake, his parents called this morning.” I say in between sobs. Minho stays frozen in disbelief, he just staring at me.

“That’s amazing!” He finally processes what’s going on. “But if he’s awake why aren’t we going to see him?” A fresh batch of tears slides down my face at his question. I don’t want to answer that but I have to. Minho was his friend too.

“He can’t remember anything and his parents don’t want me to see him.” I can’t stop the sob that erupts in my chest. Minho pulls me back to him and holds me for along time while I cry into his chest. This has become a routine for us over the months but now the crack in my heart feels as fresh as the day it happened. It takes me almost a half hour to calm down and we haven’t even left my driveway.

I pull away from him finally, catching my breath. I need to calm down, he could remember everything soon and come back to me. I try to relax but I can’t, who would want to be with someone who took away six months of their life? He’s behind on everything because of me. He wont graduate with me or any of our friends and his job replaced him, all because of me. I could never ask for his forgiveness.

“Alright lets go out and get your mind off this.” He tries to sound excited, but I can sense the worry in his voice. He begins to drive without telling me where he’s taking me but I don’t ask. I like when things are a surprise.

He pulls into a familiar place and I notice we are at the arcade.

“Minho, we are told old for this. We have been here in years!” I try to tell him but he only smiles at me, then steps out of the car.

“I thought kicking your in some video games might cheer you up.” He says competitively.

I feel myself smile a little. “You’re on.” We have always been competitive with each other ever since grade school. Anything we did together became a competition and out of that, our beautiful friendship grew. Whether it be building blocks or playing sports in gym we would always try to out shine each other. I hate to admit that he was significantly better than me at most sports but that didn’t make it any less fun.

I start to think that he might let me win the games just because I’m have a rough day but that’s not Minho. Minho plays for blood, he doesn’t care how your feeling and I couldn’t love him more for that. I don’t want others to take pity on me. When people tell me how sorry they are or how bad they feel for me, it just makes everything ten times worse. Being treated normal is much better, it takes your mind off things for a while.

We play for what feels like hours each both winning and losing at different games. We decide to play a classic, Pac man. This is going to decide to winner of today. We are both neck and neck most of the game but finally he beats me and didn’t hesitate to rub it in my face.

“Big, strong, Jonghyun can’t win at a child’s video game. Hahahahahaha.” He laughs all the way to the car.

“Shut up, I let you win. I didn’t want to hurt your pride anymore.” My argument is useless. We both know he won fair in square. I’m not as upset about it as I seem though. I’m just grateful for the short time my mind was focus on others things than Kibum.

He takes me home and the whole time he’s still rambling on about the game, which cause me to smile a bit. Only Minho could make me feel better when I was at my absolute worst.

We stop in my drive way and he check his phone. His face immediate drops when he checks a message.

“What’s wrong?” I question him.

“Umm..nothing its just Taemin.” He lets out a heavy breath. “He asked me to see Kibum with him.” My heart breaks. So all my friends are allowed to see him but I cant. “Look, I’m not going. You are my best friend and when the time is right we will see him together. Okay?”

“But he is your friend too, you should see him.” I try to mask my disappointment but it’s a sad attempt. Everything inside me is broken.

“But I can see what all of this is doing to you. I know this is tearing you apart, you can try to hide it but you can’t fool me. I will see him when you can and that’s final.” I know there’s no use in arguing with him. Minho is extremely stubborn when he puts his mind to something but I can’t say I’m upset with his decision. If he saw him it would kill me more. Still to this day I don’t know how I ended up so lucky to have a friend like him.

“Thank you.” I say, trying to fight off the tears but its no use, they fall anyway.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything. Now get your inside and sleep, it looks like you have slept in weeks.” He sounds like my mother.

I give him a sad smile and wave at him as I exit the car. I walk into my house but the tightening in my chest just gets worse. I’m suffocating and Kibum is my only source of oxygen. Without him I cant breathe. I don’t know how I can wait to see him. The endless pain in my chest is too much and I’m not sure if I can’t keep my promise and stay away from him. I love him too much.