Playlist 1413

► EXO-M Peterpan

►​ Infinite Memories

► Teen Top Missing

► F(x) Ft D.O Goodbye Summer

► Zhang Li Yin Those years (那些年）

Dear Ha Eun,

Well, how should I start this; well this is awkward... we knew each other since we were in grade school but yet I'm doing this. (This is embarrassing). I've so many things that I wanted to tell you but never did and I don't know even know where to start now that I'm going to spill everything. You know how I big time at expressing my feelings right? Maybe I'll start from the beginning, when we were kids, from our first meeting. Yes, let's do that.

June 1st 1997, sounds familiar doesn't it. That was the date of our first meeting; the day that your family moved into the house beside mine. It was raining then, pouring heavily like cats and dogs. You were drenched to the bone and I being the ultimate gentleman ( Don't argue with me here ) sheltered you with an umbrella like prince charming and offered you to come into my house for some hot chocolate.Okay,let's be honest, we both knew that my mother forced me to do that and although I grumbled and cursed then because you were separating me from my dearest cartoon - my little pony, I did not regret my actions. If I wasn't forced by my mother to help you and offer you a cup of hot chocolate I wouldn't have met you, I wouldn't have known your name and I wouldn't have been friends with you. ( Boy, do I need to thank her for forcing my lazy out of the house and into the rain). The memory in which we exchanged names is still vividly imprinted inside my head, it seemed just like yesterday that I met you.I would never forget your almond like eyes that sparkled brightly under the down-casted grey skies, the chirpy melody in your voice that contrasted against the gloomy thunder and the warmness in your toothless grin that warmed up the surroundings when you introduced yourself as 'Shin Ha Eun.". 

Like that, we spent the whole summer together; from pranking the crotchety old lady down the street to pelting paint-filled-balloons onto houses as we rode around the town in a care-free manner on our bicycles. I remembered the amount of trouble we caused and the nickname the whole neighborhood gave us - troublemakers. We were practically inseparable, somewhat like Siamese twins joint at the hip, wherever you went I was there and vice versa. The sleepovers we would have at each others house, at our backyard in tents and at our tree house. It's surprising how I never got sick of that face of your face after seeing you daily, 24/7 for three hundred and sixty-five days for twenty years ( But it was not like it's going to happen anyway, who could get sick of your angelic face?). For those twenty years Ha Eun, you were the first person I saw in the morning and the last person I met at night; the mere sight of you then was enough to light up my whole face - your presence was enough to light up my life. Summer soon ended and autumn descended upon us as school reopened.

The lights to your room on the night before school started was on for the whole night, you didn't sleep and neither did I. You tossed and turned around in bed hopelessly, desperately worrying if you could fit in or whether the kids in our school would accept you into their social circle. You were anxious.You were nervous. You were scared. You feared that you'll be left alone if you couldn't fit in and I knew you were afraid of solitude after the divorce of your parents.The next morning when I met you at breakfast, your eye bags hung heavily under your eyes but your saccharine smile hung jauntily on the corners of your lips. When I asked you if you were nervous, you denied it confidently but I knew you were trembling in fear on the inside despite the steadiness in your voice. The facade you masked impeccably pained me, there, I promised myself that I would never leave you even if it was the end of the world and we were the only two people left. The subtle tenseness of your actions as we boarded the school bus, the gnawing of your lip as the the bus approached school and the clammy palms of your hands as the bus arrived at school were all noticed by me.The hesitation in your actions as we descended the bus further confirmed my suspicion - you were afraid, it was only when I slipped my hand into yours as we arrived at the hallway then did you relax. Your tiny reaction to my small gesture was enough to warm my heart, it made me know that my presence had such an effect on you - it made me feel important.

The almost unnoticeable sigh of relief you heaved as I introduced you to my group of friends whom you later grew close to, the slight tug at the corners of your lips as my friends teased you and the sarcastic but witty replies you gave them as they threw you questions you deemed as stupid. I felt satisfied and accomplish knowing that you felt comfortable within my group of friends; it was a decision I deemed as one of the best in my life as I knew that you wouldn't feel alone again. Slowly, you grew out of your tiny bubble of self-recluse and lowered your walls for me to enter. The trust that you gave me was one that was heavier than gold and even more precious than diamond or any other rare gem in the world. I remember the time where you crawled over to my room at three in the morning through my window ( Damn I was drop-dead tired then ) and started bawling your eyes out because your father announced his marriage with your step-mother, it was then that you knew that your parents were never getting back together. The heart-felt words, you never told anyone , that escaped your lips, out of Pandora's box as I your back comfortingly, asking you to let it all out and the silent sobs you cried as I lent you my shoulder all sent my heart clenching in anguish. There and then, I vowed to never let you shed a single tear again.

A year after your father's remarriage, for the first time, in the five years we spent together, you spent summer away from me in Japan. I remembered missing you the moment we said our goodbyes, the tears I held back as I watched you enter the departure gates with a bright smile on your face; I knew that I couldn't show you my tears because you'll be guilty for leaving me alone and I wanted you to leave for Japan with a light heart - I knew how excited and ecstatic you were for this trip. Like they always said, absence makes the heart fonder; I found myself missing you even more as the days passed, a day felt like a year and a week felt like a decade, the days seemed very long and empty without you. I found myself anticipating the time at the end of the day where I would strike off the date on my calendar hung at the back of my door. The days soon flew by and the date of your return drew closer, I found myself asking whether you missed me as much as I missed you, whether you took your meals on time or whether you were enjoying your summer with your father. The day in which school reopened, I found myself in a wreck with my heart beating in confusion - I swear I was like an ant on a hot plate. For the first time in forever, I woke up at five in the morning ( Jesus Christ, no wonder I fell asleep during history later that day and damn, detention) and  never had I been that excited for school; like a teenage girl on her first date, I spent over an hour getting ready for school that day, a stark contrast between my usual ten minutes. For some unfathomable reason then, my heart was thumping quickly against the small confinements of my chest - maybe I was excited, maybe I was scared, maybe I was nervous - maybe it was a mix of a multitude of emotions amalgamated by the thought of seeing you after so long.

The ticking of the grandfather clock in my living room seemed to be exceptionally loud that day as I sat on the sofa like a china doll, waiting not so patiently for the doorbell to ring. In what seemed like eternity, it rang when the minute hand clinked against the hour hand at half past seven; I sprang from my seat and dashed to the front door, conveniently running into my mother and spilling her cup of coffee all over the ground, onto the newly laid red carpet. But it wasn't important then, the painful corporal punishment that awaited me seemed neither important or pragmatic, all I thought about was you. The sight that greeted me when I opened the door was one that I never expected, it seemed as if time had frozen. Like an ugly caterpillar that had undergone metamorphosis, you had matured beautifully over the summer. The insecure and cowardly girl in large-rimmed glasses and over-sized checkered shirts was long gone, in place stood a stunning beauty b with confidence like a princess out of a fairytale - you were just like Cinderella. The bashful smile you gave me when you asked me why I was staring at you, the gentle and endearing chuckle that emitted from your throat when I stood there flabbergasted like an idiot and the sweet scent of your shampoo that engulfed my senses as the autumn wind carried your fruity strawberry scent into my nose seemed all like scenes out of a movie, my own movie. And, for some unknown reason then, my heart skipped a beat.

The stares and hushed murmurs you received as we arrived at school sent your shy and insecure persona emerging again; you weren't used to the sudden attention of the student population, after all, you were a wallflower then and to receive such attention overnight was indeed overwhelming. As you attracted the eyes of the school population, you too attracted the erted stares of the boys on the brink of puberty and may I say that I really hated the way they stared at you; I had to use every ounce of self-control in me to restrain myself from beating up those boys. Bit by bit, your confidence increased as you began joining after-school clubs and as a close-friend of yours, I couldn't describe how happy I was. However, as you started attracting the attention of boys, you started attracting the countless love confessions that piled your locker and desk daily. And, I was torn. I wasn't the equanimous Jong Dae you knew, neither was I the selfless angel. I suddenly didn't like the change you had underwent. I was a selfish bastard that silently wished that you had never changed. I didn't like the newly found confidence you had. I didn't like the popularity you had. I didn't like the new friends you made. I feared that you would leave me, forget about me and toss me aside brutally like a rag doll. I was ing selfish. I cannot describe how furious I felt every time I saw you in the hallway with another boy, I cannot explain how much I wanted to storm over and pull you away; I felt small, inferior and terrible. I was paranoid, constantly thinking that you'll replace me in spite of the reassurance you gave me. I was ing pathetic. I knew my jealousy was overboard but I just couldn't afford to lose you... ...

Frankly speaking, I didn't know when I started to get so protective of you; maybe your change was the catalyst. I started hanging around you whenever I could, slinging my hand protectively over your shoulders to show the boys that you were taken ( In which you weren't), draping my coat or scarf around you like a gallivant knight whenever you complaint of the cold and delivering you your favorite apple pie and cafe latte from your favorite cafe down the street whenever you had your monthly gift. I tried everything to make you happy, as cliché​ as it sounds, I was addicted to your smile and your melodious laughter that was music to my ears. Like an overdose, I was tempted to see your smile daily and I would do anything within my means to see it. My friends noticed the things I did for you and started teasing me, saying that I've fallen head over heels for you. Initially I brushed it aside nonchalantly but later that night, I thought of what they said and started doubting my feelings for you. That night I didn't catch a wink of sleep, I tossed and turned aimlessly as my friends words resonated in my mind like a freaking mantra; when morning came, I felt like a complete zombie but the sight of you acted like a stimulant and perked me up. The concern b in your voice as you asked me if I was fine send my heart palpating furiously against my chest and when you reached out and placed your hand on my forehead to check my temperature, heat gushed throughout my body. I noticed you had a small mole on the right side of your cheek right under your eye and a complextion so flawless that no blemish could stain it. And, when I looked into your eyes, it was only there and then that I realised that I had fallen for you - I was completely smitten by you.

To be honest, I was scared; I was afraid of ruining our precious friendship with the insidious feelings I harbored for you, I was afraid that you never saw me in such a light and I was afraid that you'll run away from me if I showed my heart to you. I didn't know when my feelings for you turned into something more than platonic; maybe it was the time when you asked me out to prom as your partner or when I saw you seated under the tree one spring with your sketchbook - I don't know. Like the selfish bastard I was, I kept my feelings to myself, afraid of breaking it to you. I sealed my feeling for you deep inside my heart, I did not want to tear up the bond we forged over the years over a mere love confession; I treasured our life-long friendship over a rocky romantic relationship. I knew things would never be the same if I had confessed to you, we would never be able to return to the path we were on if we ever broke up. I didn't want to take such a risk; I wasn't fearless like Baek Hyun or courageous like Kris, I was a coward - a ing pathetic coward who chose the easiest path, who avoided the high road, who played the safest bet. I didn't deserve you, you deserved someone better than me. Silently, I watched you from the sides in the shadows as you developed crushes on the boys you met in your life. However, inwardly, a small part of me wished that you liked me the way I liked you, I sincerely wished that someday you would see me in such a light and reciprocate the feelings I had for you. I was egotistical to think that way but a small part of me clung onto that small ray of hope and that was what propelled me to be your black knight.

I would never forget the 21st of September 2008, my sixteenth birthday , it was a day that I would never forget for my whole life. It was the day you introduced your first boyfriend to me. Kevin Woo Seung Hyun, an androgynous catholic boy from San Francisco America, the transfer student in your English class. The sunny smile evident in your voice when you introduced him as your boyfriend cued the crushing of my heart, I knew such a day would come but never had I expected you to drop the bomb on me during my sixteenth birthday - it hurt Ha Eun, it really hurt.How could you be so cruel? I cannot describe how much horrible I felt when I had to brace a smile and congratulate you ,however, in retrospect I was shattered to pieces on the inside. I cannot describe how much I wanted to run home and hide myself under the blanket, allowing myself to cry my heart out like a prissy teenage girl; I wasn't ready to be brutally ripped away from the perfect fairytale I had spun. At that moment, I felt a sudden surge of hatred for the male you called your boyfriend. I hated him for taking you away from me. I hated him for having the guts I never had in confessing to you. I hated him for having a special place in your heart. But I knew he was a good guy, he'll make you happy and so I gave you my blessing and wished that you'll last forever. You dated him for a lengthy period of  over a year before you broke up with him. It was a painful experience for the both of us. You remained in your room for three days, refusing to eat or communicate with anyone; you drove me up the wall with y