No more I love yous to be heard,

No more sad smile as a reply,

Just a confession that was left unheard,

And a chance that went by.

 

Luhan had always been the insecure one, and every time he was feeling low of himself, Sehun was always there to assure him that he was fine, that he was always alright in his eyes.

Luhan loved Sehun and he knew he should trust what Sehun always said, but he just couldn’t force himself to believe— not when everybody else kept telling him that he wasn’t good enough, that things just ain’t right when it came to him, that he wasn’t perfect.

Human wasn’t supposed to be perfect, Luhan knew, but he really wanted to be one.

He wanted to satisfy everyone else’s satisfaction that he forgot to satisfy his own self-satisfaction. And every time he let out his concern towards Sehun, Sehun always told him that Luhan had satisfied him more than he ever imagined.

Luhan was always perfect in Sehun’s eyes and heart, but Luhan did not really hear him out. Or maybe he did hear, but never chose to listen to it.

“Hyung, the coffee is already perfect.” Sehun whispered as he worriedly looked at Luhan’s back as the older guy walked back and forth behind the counter, to the sink back to the coffee machine, back to him and back to the sink again.

Luhan let out a bitter laugh as he shook his head. “No, Sehun. It is not.” Luhan said as he turned around and looked at Sehun in the eyes, bringing a cup of coffee and put it on the counter.

Luhan had always dream to be a barista and to have his own chief that he admired the most spat on the coffee that he made, it was just painful and insufferable for him.

Sehun did not know whether Luhan had been any sadder than he was that night. He did not know— no, Sehun did not remember. Things were always sad for Luhan that Sehun had lost his counting.

Shaking his head, Sehun gently interlaced his fingers with Luhan’s that was on the counter. “It is perfect, I know.” said Sehun with a very sincere smile. “It is because you’re the one who made it.”

“You don’t know, Sehun. You don’t drink coffees.” Luhan chuckled. “Even if I am the one who makes it.”

Sehun did not drink coffees, he disliked it. Coffees were too bitter to his liking even they were mixed with sugar and milk or just plain black. He did not like coffees and will never ever like it.

But Sehun loved Luhan, a lot more than a lot.

So, that night, in front of Luhan, he drank it.

The mixture of black coffee, hot water, milk and sugar ran down to his throat and he was having a hard time to actually swallow it down but if it came to Luhan, he’d always did things that he’d never imagine he can do it. With 5 big gulps, the cup was emptied— clean and white and shiny under the dim light as if it was never been used before.

Sehun wiped his upper lips with the back of his free hand before he flashed Luhan a smile. “It’s tasty.”

“No, it’s not. Don’t lie, Sehun. It’s terrible.”

Sehun did not lie and it took Luhan almost a week for him to believe him when Sehun asked him to do the same coffee that he made that night one day.

“I told you.” Sehun said as he pulled Luhan to sit beside him. “I didn’t lie.”

Sehun always knew how to make Luhan felt better. He had his way even when everybody else too had their own way to bring Luhan down, but apparently, what Sehun did wasn’t always enough.

Luhan hated Physics. It was too complicated for his mind to take whatever his professor was blabbering and he knew to just follow what his parents asked him to do was a really bad idea. He did not want to major in a field that he didn’t like, but there was nothing he can do. He knew if he was going to say no, he would be compared to his cousins and he hated the feeling of being compared.

It felt like he was never good in whatever his cousins were good at and he was such a shame and disappointment to his parents. He didn’t want that.

Luhan loved soccer, he loved music— something that his cousins weren’t good at. He once had a dream to be a football player or a musician but of course, nobody had listened to his wishes except for the wind and the bed of stars at night.

And Sehun.

Whenever Luhan was sad or just having that blue look on his face, Sehun would always either bring him to the court or his studio.

That night, Sehun brought him to the court.

Luhan fell onto the nicely trimmed grass as he panted and tried to catch a breath. Sehun too, then fell just right beside him, also tried to breathe properly like before they started the football match.

It wasn’t really a match, it was just a distraction. It was just a distraction of Oh Sehun’s way that absolutely made Luhan forgot whatever melancholic feelings that he had an hour ago.

Sehun did not ask what happened because he knew and Luhan did not tell him either. They both knew what’s best and that was to let it all go.

And it was all go through the countless goals that he made, through the skills that he showed, through his run and his kicks, through the adrenaline rush in his nerves, through his laughter when Sehun’s face turned sour when he made goals.

Luhan giggled and Sehun wondered why.

“It looks like you.” Said Luhan as he pointed his index finger to the blanket of stars and Sehun’s eyes followed to where he pointed.

“I look like salt?”

“Salt?” Luhan asked, completely did not understand.

Sehun nodded as if Luhan was looking at him. “Salt.” He said. “The stars look like salts, don’t they? The sky’s like a black table and the stars are like the salts that are sprinkled on it.”

Luhan laughed as if he never laughed before he kicked Sehun’s leg playfully. “No, it’s not that, you idiot.” He looked at Sehun by the corner of his eyes before averted his gaze to the black sky again.

“The stars.”

“The stars?”

“The stars.” Luhan nodded, smiling as his eyes twinkled against the starry night sky. “They look very much like you.”

“What does it have to do with me?” Sehun did not really get it, not even a tiny bit.

“It’s you, Sehun.”

It was easy, really. That dark sky was Luhan’s world and Sehun was the stars that light it up from every little angle. Without Sehun, he’d probably be nothing.

If only he had the bravery to tell him that.

Before Sehun could even discover the real meaning of his words, he laughed and said, “The stars are beautiful, aren’t they?”

Sehun looked at Luhan and he suddenly remembered his old conversation with Luhan. It happened one day when Luhan suddenly blurted out that was what supposed to be his inner thought that nobody will ever stared at him lovingly like how Ron did to Hermione.

Sehun didn’t know what to reply at that time, but he did know that night.

Probably the answer was Luhan wasn’t even looking when one did that, or to be precise, when he did that.

Still looking at Luhan but this time with a very beautiful smile and twinkling eyes that were like the stars, he answered.

“Yes.”

If only Luhan knew what Sehun meant by ‘yes’.

If the stars were beautiful, then Luhan was magnificently breath-taking.

To Luhan, Sehun was an absolute perfection. Sehun had the looks— with the chestnut, soft locks, perfectly shaped eyebrows, stunning dark brown orbs, his oyster-pink lips; Sehun was like a prince charming in those classic fairy tales, except that he really did exist—even Luhan thought that Sehun could be so surreal at times.

But it was not just about the looks. Sehun was a beauty, both inside and outside and that was what made him so beautiful in Luhan’s eyes.

Luhan loved Sehun, but Sehun was perfect and he was not.

“Luhan hyung,”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

Luhan could only look at Sehun with a very sad smile.

With the shake of his head, Sehun knew what he meant by that. It was Luhan’s insecurities that were acting up. Luhan felt like he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth of anything. Sehun was perfect and he was not, and to be perfection, he needed time.

Sehun nodded understandingly.

If Luhan needed time, then he would give him time, just like what he always did.

Luhan did not realise that Sehun did give him time after all these times.

People didn’t really need water to feel like they were drowning. There was always another thing. And another thing. And another thing another thing. It was always like that. It didn’t have precisely to be water—it could be time, people, phobias, anything—even your own self.

In Luhan’s case, it was insecurities.

It was insecurities that drowned him every time. Whenever he tried to push himself towards the surface—to survive—it would drown him down again and those times would be even crueller than all the drowns before. It kept getting harder by time that he eventually gave up and let himself to die.

Insecurities killed all that were beautiful.

Luhan’s insecurities drowned him—ripped and tore him apart. That was all in his mind. If only he saw himself the way that Sehun did.

“Luhan hyung.”

Luhan loved how nice his name sounded from Sehun’s lips. He loved how soft and lovely and whatever sounds that others never made but Sehun.

“I love you.”           

Probably because of that Luhan’s name had always been lovely if it came from Sehun.

Because Sehun was deeply in love with Luhan. Because he was in love with him that it felt and sounded so different—like it was safe inside his mouth.

It was another depleted day, a Prom Day, for Luhan (just like always) as he gulping down the cocktail juice from his glass. His eyes boringly scanned the big crowd as his delicate fingers tapping on the glass, making an almost inaudible indefinite rhythm.

“Have you ever walked through a room that’s packed with people and you feel so lonely that you can hardly take the next step?”

Luhan’s literature teacher asked once and he answered it with a ‘every time’.

It was funny that you were actually surrounded by people yet you were still feeling lonely—as if you did not belong there, as if you were not there at all. It was funny how the blustering noise could be so dead in your ears. It was like watching a mute movie; it moved but it was dead silence.

“What did I miss?” the chair beside him was now occupied by the taller but younger male.

Luhan turned his head upon hearing the very awfully familiar voice and he swore he’d never seen something more beautiful than Sehun was that night. Dressed in a black tuxedo with a dark red bow as a complement, Sehun looked like a Greek God except that he was human; surreally beautiful human.

“Hyung?”

“Ah,” Luhan unnecessarily scratched his head as he tried to remember. “Nothing. Not much.” Nothing really happened, at least to him and he knew Sehun knew that.

The time flew as the crowd grew bigger and bigger, bigger than the two of them, plates over plates replacing one another after every minutes, and before he knew, people were already moving to the dance floor, hand in hand as a soft, melodious instrumental played at the background.

Luhan didn’t know how he, too, ended up at the dance floor, with someone, or to be precise with Sehun. He only realised it when the taller boy pulled him close by the waist as his hands rested on his shoulder.

But Luhan couldn’t deny that it was incredibly nice when they were that close. He felt secure, safe. He felt free.

He took another step after another step, making sure not to step on Sehun’s feet because he wanted to be perfect only for once and it was that night. He wanted to enjoy it because by that time, the only thing—person—that he could see was Sehun. And that was all that mattered.

If only he could think like that in every time.

“Have you ever walked through a room that’s packed with people and you feel so lonely that you can hardly take the next step?”

Yes, Luhan thought, but perhaps it’s not tonight.

Luhan did realise that he was actually moving, that he was taking steps after steps in a very, very crowded room and it ain’t that hard. And it wasn’t lonely; he didn’t feel like he was lonely because Sehun was there.

Maybe he didn’t need many people in his life to feel like he’s belonged, to feel like he’s actually belonged just like the others. Maybe he didn’t need the others but only one.

And that only one was Sehun.

“Sehun,” Luhan whispered in a very tiny voice as if he could be eaten by his own voice if he went even louder.

“Hmm.”

“Why me?”

Sehun chuckled as he rested his eyes in Luhan’s distant yet twinkling ones.

“Love,” Sehun said, slightly brushing his nose against Luhan’s. “is not a because—it’s a no matter what.”

If Shakespeare’s words were beautiful, then probably Sehun’s was way more beyond that.

And Luhan did not pull away when Sehun kissed him that night. The kiss was just right. It was slow and nice. Sehun held Luhan’s frame tightly yet gently in his arms as he kissed him ever so softly; as if Luhan would break even more if he did not.

It saved Luhan; the kiss. In some ways, it did save him. He never felt so complete in his life. He never felt that safe in his whole life. It was like all the broken pieces were put back together, and it was not perfectly perfect because it never did, but it was enough to make him feel so alive after a very very long time.

It was a brand new feeling and it was refreshing and Luhan loved it very much. 

“Just,” Luhan whispered when he pulled himself from the kiss, feeling slightly disappointed because he was not a whole anymore but he smiled anyway. “Wait.” He breathed. “Wait for me.”

Sehun nodded and Luhan knew he meant ‘forever’.

Sehun waited. Luhan tried and this time he knew it was going to be worth it. He would get and be better if he tried hard enough.

“You know what, hyung?”

Luhan raised his eyebrows. “What?”

“You’re like...”

“Like...?”

“An...”

Luhan was irritated by now. It did not cause so much help even when Sehun flashed him a very genuine smile.

“Angel.”

He would not give up on that boy, seriously. Never.

Luhan could not bit back his smile so he smiled—a real, genuine smile that he didn’t remember the last time he showed it. He, also, wondered whether he was more in love with Sehun or his words. Both were perfect and he felt like he was the luckiest person alive.

Scars faded over time but it wasn’t easy for people who were trying to change. There was always time when they would remember their dark pasts; whether it was plain black, or grey ashes or just translucent smokes. And dark pasts weren’t always about death, tragedy, loss. It could be acceptance, insecurities, or their own selves. There would be times when they’d feel like all the dark pasts were threatening to goof off on their future so that there would be a little stain here and there over their newly-planned, colourful future.

It was the same for Luhan. Trying to change was one thing, trying to accept him just the way he was, was indeed another thing. It was never easy but he tried—sighing and crying were his routines but Sehun was always there so he would not give up.

And it was going to be worth it, or at least that was what he hoped.

“f o r e v e r

for-ev-er [fawr-ev-er, fer-]

—adverb

1. without ever ending; eternally: to last forever.
2. continually; incessantly; always: He’s forever complaining.

—noun

3. an endless or seemingly endless period of time: It took them forever to make up their minds.

 

—idioms

4. forever and a day, eternally; always: They pledged to love each other forever and a day. “

 

Luhan smiled as he finished reading that.

He realised forever was a very long time; an eternity, but what he did not realised was that the fact that not everyone’s forever was the same as others’. The period of forever—it could be long for one person but it could be short for the others.

It was always different on different people. It would never be the same. That was life. It might look like it treated people differently, unfair; but that was that. It was unfair to every person and that’s what made it fair.

Forever; just different on different person.

“Will you stop taking those?” Sehun said as he took the pills ever so harshly from Luhan’s palm.

“Give me that, Sehun.” Luhan replied with a firm voice. “I need to sleep.”

“Who the hell takes 7 pills at a time?” Sehun was almost close to shouting but he calmed himself. Luhan was a fragile thing. He did not want to break him even more. “And these aren’t just pills, they’re sleeping pills.”

“You do not understand.” Luhan breathed, his fingers were tightly clenched to his palms, forming a fist. “Give me that.”

Sehun, of course, won’t give them up to him.

“Are you trying to kill yourself? I thought we’re over over that past.”

It was Sehun was over, Luhan was not. He was, but not fully.

Luhan laughed, a very melancholic one. “Sometimes,” he whispered as he looked at Sehun by the eyes. “ending everything is way easier than to face all these s, Sehun.”

The way Sehun looked at him right after he said that broke him more than all the dirty looks people had ever given to him.

“Oh.” ? 

Sehun laughed. His eyes were glassy. The pills were no longer solids in his hands, they were aqueous.

“I’m still a nothing after all these years, huh?”

Sehun didn’t know why he couldn’t force himself to understand Luhan like how he always did. Probably because people could get tired at one time. Even the nicest person had limits.

He laughed again. “I only want you to see yourself like how I see you, hyung.”

Luhan knew he hit a nerve and so he tried to say something, opening his mouth only to let out a nothing so he shut his mouth again. He was afraid that he might say something even more stupid and Sehun would misunderstood him even more so he decided to keep himself shut.

But Sehun wasn’t hoping for a silence, he was hoping for a reply, explanation, a ‘sorry’, anything. But he received none of that and for the first in his whole life, the silence was very loud in his ears.

So he got out from the apartment and ran.

It was raining hard and the sky was decorated by the striking thunder but he didn’t stop. Not even when he heard Luhan’s voice that was calling for him and all the ‘sorry’ and ‘wait’ that came afterwards.

“Sehun!!!”

Please, Sehun.

[You’ve been listened to me for countless times, so why don’t you this time?]

“Wait!”

You said you’d wait for me. [People won’t wait forever.]

“I’m sorry!!!”

I’m so so sorry. [I’m begging you.]

“Sehun, I love yo---“

And then,

an ugly scream,

blinding lights,

nauseous sound,

and all the paralyzed silence that followed.

And then, nothing...

 

“We tried.”

Luhan’s world collapsed.

 

People made mistakes, every minutes, seconds, milliseconds, every time. So did Luhan and Sehun.

Probably Luhan’s mistake was when he resembled Sehun as the stars. Stars were beautiful, indeed, but they were dead.

Probably Sehun’s mistake was when he resembled Luhan as an angel. Luhan was, indeed, an angel but Sehun forgot that angels can do that one particular thing.

Fly.

“Angels can fly.”

 

Forever; just different on different person. Luhan’s one was just two days longer than Sehun’s.

 

Luhan was never been found since then but not that it’d matter anymore.

 

 

+++

some of the quotes here are from jodi picoult,

so thanks to her for being so awesome when it comes to words, i love you <333

drop your comment, guys! i really want to know what you think about it ^_^

or you can mention me on twitter ; @EXOSONBAENIM

thanks again and i love you! <33