Life isn’t easy. Life , actualy. And once again life is kicking your balls, cutting your hopes by the root, smashing your happiness as if it were nothing. The rainy day match perfectly with your mood while you walk to your boyfriend’s dorm, thinking about what you are up to do next, and it’s killing you. Slowly killing you.

You ring the bell, waiting at the door, totally soak, breathing heavily, nervous and anxious. It’s take a while until someone open the door, and you see the sleepy face of the youngest member of the group. Oh, great, then everyone is at home today.

“Hi, sleepy head…” You fake a smile, waiting patiently the tall boy recognize you through his blurry eyes, and he smile you back gently.

“ Hyung! What are you doing here? Aren’t YoungJae-hyung classes only saturdays” he asks, and you can’t tell him the truth, that YoungJae are more than your student.

“ Yeah, but I have some urgent issues with him… Are he at home?” you ask, entering the dorm as he nodded.

It started one year ago, when the dean of the college where your work call you and asked you to go meet him at his officer. When you went there, worried about your job, you find him accompanied by three other men. Or two men and a boy, probably younger than you, and miles away more beautiful than any other person you have met at this country since you arrived five months ago. His shy smile makes your hearth skip a beat.

The dean asked you to teach English to him privately, something about he being famous, an idol, so he couldn’t attend classes with the normal students. You agreed because extra money is always good, and the idol boy was really beautiful to lose the chance. When they left you alone with him, he shyly try to communicate with you in English, insecure stuttering things. And you gently told him that you speak his language, making him smile brightly, showing more confidence while he says his name to you. Yoo YoungJae.

After that you started to meet him once a week, every Saturday at his dorm. You met his band members, and they are really cool. Little by little you knew him more, he told you his age, and he was five years younger than you, he told you that he loves books, and his favorite food in the world is meat. Your learned about him Saturday after Saturday, and you could help but fall in love with him was inevitable.

It takes two months to you have courage enough to do something about your really big crush on him. It was one of your classes, and you were evaluating his pronunciation. You were seated near each other and he was reading a text to you, looking to you sometimes nervously when he noticed mistakes, blushing softly as you just smile, correcting him gently and encouraging him to keep going. Inevitable, you start to analyze him. His sweet eyes, perfect nose, fluffy lips. His lips… You can’t remember how many times you have dreamed about those lips… To be honest, they almost chase you in your dreams.

You can’t handle with the proximity, standing up to go near the window, saying to him to keep reading, and he obey. Now you can’t forget his lips, fluffy lips, so perfect lips… so kissable… He look to you, asking something that you just nodded for, and then he start to read another page. Slowly you walk to close to him, you place your hands on his shoulders, and you can feel his muscles getting tenses. You ask him if he is understanding what he is reading, and he look up to you, thinking about what he was reading. He bites his lower lips, not so sure about the answer, and you just do something really stupid. You lean your body, and just kiss him. Softly, gently, in some weird gay spider man way.

He didn’t pull you away, but you do it anyway. You look to his closed eyes, his blushed cheeks and his parted lips, and you feel your self control slipping through your fingers. He opens his eyes and your freeze for a few seconds, before you walk back.

“ sorry..” you muttered “ sorry… I didn’t mean… Actualy, I did… Anyways! Sorry… I… I… Well. See you next Saturday. “ then you start to pack your things to go out. He look at you, unbelieving.

“ Are you kidding me? You kiss me after two extremely longer months, while I’m almost dropped myself at your lap and then you will just go away?!” He almost scream.

“ You what?” you ask, walk near to him, seeing him blush and look to the floor.

“ Nothing…” he muttered, and you just kiss him again, in the right way this time. And it was the best kiss you have ever kissed.

You ask him to go out with you the next day, and he accepted shyly. After that day, every Sunday became Yoo YoungJae Day at your schedule, an entire day to stay with your baby hippo, not that YoungJae really likes his sweet nickname, but after you watched Madagascar with him, you can’t stopped yourself to compare him with that truly lovely singer hippo. And watch YoungJae pouting because of that is too precious to stop.

But dating an idol isn’t easy in any ways, and being in a gay relationship makes everything worse. After his parents almost disown him, you two decides to not tell anyone else, no even his band member, not wanting to screw up his job, or his entire life. But dating under the hood takes its toll, and your relationship slowly start to ruin. Fights and discussions ruins your Sundays together sometimes, because date a ghost is difficult to both of you.

Then we back to the present, and you are walking to your boyfriend’s bedroom. He is smiling at you, and you feel something dying inside you. You can’t smile back, and he knows you good enough to know that something bad is happening.

“ What…?” He asks, and you can feel his insecurity. He knows you too well.

“ We need to talk…” you muttered, and he nodded, biting his lower lip nervously. You two sit at his bed, and you look into his eyes. “ I think… We should break up.”

It takes a few minutes until he realizes what you said, and you just wait patiently for what you know will come to you

“ YOU WHAT?!” he scream, and you close your eyes, trying to keep yourself calm.

“ I think we sho…” his screams interrupt you

“DON’T YOU DARE TO FINISH THAT IN PHRASE! DON’T YOU EVEN DARE!” He is standing, looking at you so hurt that you almost give up and hug him, but you can’t.

“YoungJae… Please…”

“ DON’T! YOU CAN’T! HOW…?! How can you think something like that…?” He is crying, and you can’t tell if it is for anger or for anything else.

“ Will be better to you. To your career.” You try to explain, but he gets anger again.

“ I DON’T IN CARE TO MY CAREER!” you sigh

“ You don’t mean it.” You can see him crying, and it’s hurting you so much that you almost can’t handle with.

“ I mean it. Oh, you can be sure I mean it. My career are useless if I can’t share it with the man I love. I love you..” he whisper

“ I love you too…” you whisper back.

 “ So why? Why are you hurting me in that way?” He tries to walk up to you, but he seemed not have strong enough

“ Because I can’t ruin your life! I love you too much to ruin your life… I saw the pictures, YoungJae… I saw what people talk about your uality at SNS… I can’t do this with you. I can’t be the reason why your life collapsed.”

He find his strength, and walk to you, holding your shirt between his fingers “ You are the reason why my life is better. When everything around makes me want to die, you are the only thing that give me strength enough to keep myself alive. I have nothing today, nothing. I don’t have my family because they hate me so much, my friends living a lie because I don’t have  courage enough to tell them what I really am, maybe my fans will hate more than anything because I’m a in queer. But I don’t care. Because I have you. I have your love.”

You can’t fight anymore. He never talks too much about his feelings, its always you who whisper sweet things at his ear, and nothing in the world would prepare you to what you listened. You pull him near to you, kissing his lips gently, with all the love in the world, because if someone deserve that love, it is Yoo YoungJae.

“ Please…” he asks, crying again, his lips brushing yours “ please, don’t leave me… I can’t do this without you… You’re the only person I have left…. And the only person I need.”

“ I will not let you… You are my life, YoungJae… My life. I was just too desperate… Because I can’t be the person who hurts you… I rather die to be the one who ruins your life.”

He kiss you again, and this time the contact became deeper. You broke the contact between your lips when someone knock the door softly. YongGuk opens the door, and you two are so shocked that you can’t even broke the hug. “ I think all of us need to talk…” He says gently, and asks you to go to the room with him.

Protecting you yet boyfriend with your body, you enter the  room, and the other boys are there. You can feel YoungJae trembling behind you, and you just want to protect him. YongGuk smile for you, asking gently “ Do you have something to tell us, YoungJae?”

“ I... I… “ YoungJae is shaking, and you can hear HimChan sigh.

“ Do we need to do this with him? Can’t we just told him that we already know he is gay and we don’t really care for it?”

“ You what…?” You ask, widening your eyes.

“ He is family. We know him. “ YongGuk says, and YoungJae still so deep in silence that you start to worry. “ We love you, YoungJae. And we don’t care about your uality.”

“Oh! I care! “ Everyone turn his heads to DaeHyun.

“ You what?!” HimChan is about to kill the Busan boy, you can feel it.

“ I’m not talking about his uality. I don’t give a if he likes boys, girls or pillows! I care about the fact that my bestfriend didn’t tell me something so important and suffer alone instead trust me!” He says, and you can’t help but smile gently.

YoungJae just run to Daehyun, hugging he so tightly that the busan boy almost fall in the floor, laughing. And you know now that everything is okay. He have his friends, he have you. And you have him. And nothing else matters.