[they say you die twice

you'll be carried away once by the winds of time
and the other-
by your lover's hand]


--


One time we argued because I came home drunk and I started telling you things.

“I’m ed, Daehyun. This is so messed up. I’m so messed up.”

That was what I kept saying the whole night. I remember because I could still taste it on my tongue in the morning. 

You left my dorm in the morning. We were both angry because we never dared to say the things we should’ve said. I knew it, I knew. But I had been pretending. I pretended to be normal. But another part of me would be in some other boy’s sheets, and my soul is in your hands, I feel most alive when I’m with you, when we do things I would never be able to do with a girl. That’s the part of me I find in my poems. You slammed the door and left. I didn't see you for a week and I'd write to you daily. I never got an answer from you until Sunday. You put a crumpled slip of paper in an envelope and slid it under my door. 


The ink was fading from the paper, but I recognised my handwriting. It was my writing. The one I had thrown from the roof, the one I had watched as it drifted away from sight-


As we watch our lives pass from the cheap seats,
I’ll write you all the love in the world on this crumpled piece of paper.
I hope it’s enough because it’s all I have in exchange for some affection.


That’s what was written on the paper. And everything fell into place that day. 

You are Jung Daehyun. You get riled up easily and your accent shows when you're angry. But you're brave and you never pretended to be something you're not. And you were crazy enough that day to ask me to be yours.

And I'm Kim Himchan. The boy who was too afraid then to tell you he loved you first. Before you loved him.

I’m sorry we didn’t meet at the end of the path the other day. But you still manage to find your way into my dreams every night. 


--

Himchan peers into room 59, it’s quiet save from the steady hum of the air conditioning. He takes a step forward and freezes when he sees Daehyun propping himself upright on the bed. Daehyun is smiling, serene, eyes bright and drenched in morning light.


You’re awake. Himchan says, startled, more for his own benefit. 


“I didn’t take my pills.” Daehyun says with childish laughter and it makes Himchan’s heart skip a beat. His toes go numb and he shifts on the balls of his feet to keep himself upright. Daehyun pats the spot beside him and Himchan is artlessly drawn towards him. He sits himself on the chair and lets Daehyun study his features over and over again. 


“I wanted to see you.”


Himchan nods, the lump in his throat grows and his mouth is dry. 



“I loved you a lot, didn’t I?” Daehyun mumbles, his voice rustling like the wind and Himchan shatters. He nods and tries to swallow the tears but they come anyway and Himchan scratches at his arm. 



“I’m sorry.” Daehyun pulls Himchan’s fingers away from his arm and laces them with his own. “I’m so sorry.”


It’s the morning and the sun has wrapped itself comfortably around them. Himchan feels the headwinds pulling at his soul, and he finds himself in Daehyun’s arms again. 

--

Everything works around a schedule in the hospital, every day at about 2 he gets to escape the routine for an hour or so. Youngjae takes him on a different route every time and although Daehyun is starting to walk just fine, he thinks it would be more efficient on a wheel chair. (Daehyun doesn’t tell Youngjae, but he has always wanted to try out a wheel chair when he was young). 


“We’re going to the park behind the hospital. It’s a little far away but we can make it.” Daehyun hums a reply. He doesn’t turn his head back to look at Youngjae, but he knows the younger male is smiling. He always sounds different when he smiles. Youngjae has his break at 2, but he has decided he is unable to leave Daehyun alone, as Daehyun himself so aptly puts it. Youngjae just thinks it’s nice to get a little fresh air once in a while. 


“You know people are usually excited to get off the wheel chair and actually use their legs.” Youngjae says as he takes a long off his ice cream cone. “But I have to admit the sympathy you get comes in pretty handy.” They smile deviously at one another, admiring their extra-large scoops of ice cream. Daehyun gets up from his wheel chair with a groan and hobbles over to sit beside Youngjae by the bench. It’s a quiet park, there isn’t a playground, no proper bicycle track, it’s nothing much, and that’s how Youngjae likes it when he sits with his packed kimbap. 


Youngjae likes taking Daehyun to the park, it feels nice to not have patients calling his name all the time and the other senior nurses telling him he has paperwork to do. And it sure beats holing Daehyun up in his room all the time because then Youngjae would have to deal with his daily jokes that Daehyun conveniently gets from the internet. 


“What?” Youngjae says when they’re both done with their ice creams and Daehyun is staring at him like he has a trail of chocolate ice cream on his upper lip. Daehyun shrugs and chuckles, his hospital gown sagging slightly over his collarbones. And soon they’re settled into comfortable silence again, that is until Youngjae suggests they take a walk a little further because there’s a pond at the end of the park and there might be fish they could feed. And Daehyun really starts to think that Youngjae fleets between treating him like the teenage son he never wanted and a senile old man. 


“You know what could be fun?” Daehyun leans back against the wheel chair and beams at Youngjae, all teeth and gums and disappearing eyes and Youngjae raises his brow, sceptical at the amount of excitement Daehyun is exuding. Excitement usually means bad ideas when it comes to Daehyun. “You could push me really fast. It’s a downhill drop. That would be really fun.” Daehyun says, and he’s still smiling like he’s challenging Youngjae to say no to him.


“No.” 


Youngjae directs his attention up ahead. The pond should be around here somewhere-


“And why’s that?” Daehyun smirks this time. Youngjae thinks it’s ridiculous how he’s so smug all the time when he’s dressed in unflattering hospital pajamas that are obviously a size too large. Not to mention Youngjae has seen him before. It’s not a bad body, really, it’s just that that shut Daehyun up for a while. 


“Because this,” Youngjae taps on the wheel chair and the screws give out a pained creak, “this is hospital property. Not to mention it’s very old.” 


“Admit it Yoo Youngjae. You’re incapable of having any fun.” Daehyun teases and he’s about to check for Youngjae’s reaction but it’s too late. His wheelchair is gaining speed and he’s rolling downhill a little faster than he’d like. Youngjae had pushed him. Youngjae that little . The aged contraption groans as it rolls down the tar path. Daehyun is about to scream when he feels himself being pulled abruptly to a stop and he hears roaring laughter from behind him. He clutches at his heart, now weakened by his little misadventure. There is no way to win when it comes to Youngjae, he had learnt it now.



"Wasn't that fun Daehyunnie?" Youngjae says, breathless as he tries to recover from the laughter that still threatens to spill out of his lungs. 



"Let's just find the damned pond."


--

Himchan spends whatever free time he has with Daehyun, and today his phone lies at the bottom of his pile of work and he's at the hospital, they are sitting at the café, watching as the current pulls the lunch crowd away. It's 3 and it's suddenly quiet. There is no need to shout their conversations over the blurred noise. Daehyun shifts in his seat and Himchan has many things to say, but the floodgates at the back of his throat remains shut.



"So your favourite drink is Americano. And you don't really like sweet foods." 



Daehyun makes a mental note as Himchan nods. They had agreed to starting all over, to give Daehyun more time to take it all in and Daehyun has been relearning everything about Himchan. From the way he forces his laugh back when he talks by limiting the movement of his lips to the way he studies his surroundings with such great detail. And through the lack of familiarity Daehyun has to remind himself that he had loved him so very much once. 



He tries another question, "when did we officially meet? Since that time in Middle school didn't count." 



Himchan stops playing with the lid of his drink and a smile pulls at the corners of his lips. Daehyun takes it that he's not offended and he stills in his seat.



"We met at a cemetery." 



Himchan chuckles humourlessly, "pretty ing unromantic huh." He says, then proceeds to slap his hands against his mouth when he realises he just used a cuss word. Really loudly. In a hospital. Daehyun thinks it's endearing and he laughs it off. 



"Why were we there?"



Himchan sighs and sinks into his seat, he hunches over the table and laces his fingers with Daehyun's. Daehyun doesn't flinch. This has become familiar now, and he finds himself caving into the warmth of Himchan's presence. 



"Your best friend, the one you fell in love with. I knew him too."



Daehyun doesn't say anything. He doesn't probe. That would be for another time because now he's semi-conscious of the way Himchan's hand is slipping away from his. Under the table, Daehyun leans his ankle against Himchan's. 



"Did you fall in love with me then?" There's a certain playful curiosity in Daehyun's voice and Himchan merely grins in return. Daehyun takes that as a yes. 



"Why?"



Himchan shrugs and juts his bottom lip out childishly, "that's for you to find out."




--

“You’re awake.” Youngjae’s voice is almost a whisper and he looks drained, his footsteps have dulled to a shuffle. 


“I didn’t see you in the day.” Daehyun realises too late that his words come out wrong. Now it seems that he’s only awake because he’s waiting for Youngjae to come, but in all honesty he had been curious as to why Youngjae was on-


“Night shift,” Youngjae smiles, a slight one, evidently because Daehyun had been waiting for him to come. “I’m taking over the night shift. Just for today.” He sighs and proceeds to check Daehyun’s charts.


“Getting pushed around again?” Daehyun says, trying to recall the name of that one nurse Youngjae talks about, the one with the big eyes and obnoxious laugh. The night shift nurse who always seems to get her way. Sunhwa? Youngjae sulks as he proceeds to take Daehyun's blood pressure. 



"Hey," Daehyun tries to get Youngjae to look directly at him but the nursing intern seems unusually busy. "Hey. Are you okay?" 


Youngjae’s lips curve slightly at the hint of concern in Daehyun’s voice. “Do you think I’m not trying hard enough?” He sighs, dropping down to the visitor’s chair, "I got shouted at today. My supervisor said I was incompetent." 



Daehyun swallows the urge to make a joke because Youngjae looks so very tired and Daehyun almost feels guilty. "No. You're the best I swear. You almost make getting drips enjoyable. In fact I feel like getting one now" Daehyun is blabbering and Youngjae laughs, the same charming, annoying laugh that Daehyun has grown acquainted with. Daehyun doesn't say but he thinks it's a pretty cute laugh. 



"Plus 10 good karma points for you." Youngjae nods proudly at Daehyun like he just saved the world and Daehyun chuckles. "Can we go for a walk?" He asks, he has learnt exactly which pills to skip, so he avoids feeling like asks sedated bear all the time. He sometimes wonder if Youngjae deliberately doesn't notice that he's wide awake most of the time. 



"Now?" Youngjae says. It's ridiculous. It's nearing midnight and everyone's supposed to be asleep. He sighs when Daehyun nods feverishly. "The furthest i'll take you is the toilets."



"Can we go further if I take you for a walk?" Daehyun beams like he had just done something exceedingly smart and Youngjae just stares at him like he has finally lost his mind. But youngjae does nothing to object, save for the bits of uncertainty when Daehyun tries to make him sit on the wheelchair.



Daehyun insists they are going to have a race. 



And Youngjae does all he can to make his concerns known. But he’s listening to Daehyun explain the rules nonetheless, and he watches as Daehyun points out the finish line at the end of the corridor. “Daehyun you’re an absolute idiot, but this might be the best worst idea ever.” Youngjae shakes his head and rolls himself forward and back on the chair. 


“What you’ve wanted to be a nurse all your life but you’ve never thought of doing this before?” Daehyun smirks and Youngjae crashes his wheelchair into his. 


Youngjae is out of breath from laughing by the time they reach the end of the corridor and the old lady in the ward shakes her head and grumbles before pulling the sheets over her head. Youngjae mouths an ‘oops’ and soon he’s slipping into bouts of giggles. 


“Thank you.” Youngjae says when they’re done weaving their way through the other wards and Daehyun is wheeling him back to his own ward. “Thank you Daehyun.” He stifles a laugh when he sees Daehyun hobbling behind him. Daehyun ruffles Youngjae’s hair, now mussed up because it’s a little too late to bother. He thinks of that one time in middle school when things had been great and he and his best friend had found that little abandoned shopping cart by their school gate. They had taken turns pushing each other home. But the memory goes away when they’re back at Daehyun’s ward and Youngjae is looking at him with what seems to be a mix of awe and leftover adrenaline. And he’s here now, the childhood path home fades to white walls and cold beds and he’s standing in front of Youngjae with a strange pulling in his heart.


--

"You sure you're gonna be okay?" Himchan says as he inspects the fridge in Daehyun's rented apartment. Himchan has made sure he has enough food to last him the week. 



"Yes," Daehyun says for the hundredth time, "yes mother." He laughs and limps towards Himchan, pulling him in for a hug and Himchan laughs into Daehyun’s shoulder. 


Soon he’s alone in his apartment. His décor doesn’t seem too familiar. There’s now fewer posters on his bedroom wall. He doesn’t remember taking those down. There’s a row of succulents by the window and he doesn’t remember being much into plants. He sighs and waters them anyway. He’s halfway through convincing himself he should be reading his course materials when his phone beeps. He smiles at the name on the screen.


“Sorry for the late reply. It’s kind of a busy day. Sunhwa’s buying me dinner later, I’m taking up her late shifts again.”


Daehyun types in a reply and places his phone on his textbook, just below the line he had been trying to read for the past twenty minutes. Youngjae had given Daehyun his number on the day of his discharge. You won’t survive without me, call me for medical emergencies. Youngjae had said. But Daehyun had texted him to ask him about the proper care of succulents because that had been an emergency and somehow that developed into sending Youngjae picture of his meals and Youngjae replying with one too many photos of himself looking uninterested at work. 



He checks his phone again and watches as the words on his textbook blur and stretch, like they’re trying to map out the path Daehyun should take to normalcy, for him to get his life back again. But Daehyun doesn’t quite focus, until his phone beeps again and the screen lights up with a reply.

--


Daehyun buys Himchan flowers on his way home from the library. He has the keys to HImchan’s apartment, apparently he’s always had them, attached to a little leather strap keyring he’s had since middle school. He buys a mixture of baby’s breath, gerberas and roses and he doesn’t think they look tacky with their odd clash of colours until he stares at them on the way back. The newspaper wrapping does very little to help the situation. He slaps his free hand to his forehead.


Himchan smiles nonetheless. His hand is resting on his hip and he’s tapping his foot idly against the floor. He’s amused, clearly, and the heat proceeds to crawl up Daehyun’s neck into his cheeks. He holds out the flowers sheepishly and throws in an unsure um, for you?


“If you’re thinking of wooing me, it’s already done. You’ve already done that.” Himchan receives the flowers and he’s looking for a vase somewhere in the kitchen. 


“Did I do a good job?” Daehyun asks, closing the door behind him, watching Himchan make faces as he struggles to rearrange the bouquet. HImchan shrugs, “you were successful, so I guess you did okay.”


Daehyun throws his fists in the air and HImchan places the vase in the middle of the room. They don’t match the careful design of his apartment but Himchan enjoys their company. Daehyun thinks he’s scored a pretty good catch every time he looks at Himchan. 


“So that means you’ll say yes to dinner tonight?”

“Maybe… I’ll have to check my schedule.” Himchan dismisses Daehyun with a wave of his hand. 


They have dinner anyway.


Daehyun brings them to a small deli and HImchan smiles because they used to come here a lot. It’s Daehyun’s favourite place. And somehow Himchan is relieved that everything is still the same- the waiter greets them and settles them by the window.



--
Daehyun returns to school and everything falls into a routine, like he’s trying to gain back lost time but the world doesn’t stop for him. But Himchan does. Himchan waits for him where the present fails to rekindle with his past, however Daehyun senses the impatience in the air. So he leans forward and kisses Himchan one night at the latter’s apartment. It’s a strange sort of kiss, Daehyun’s determination keeps his hands on Himchan’s back and soon he’s touching and he thinks he wants more. He wonders if Himchan is used to him kissing so hard because he’s sure he hasn’t done it since that night with his best friend. His hands dip past the hem of Himchan’s shirt and soon his fingers are ghosting past Himchan’s , raising goosebumps in their trail and he thinks he wants more, until Himchan stops him. 


Himchan is straightening his shirt and he pats Daehyun on his cheek. “You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for you know?” He says and Daehyun wants to say that he is ready but he doesn’t lie too well. Not when his fists are clenched and he feels uncomfortable in his own skin. 


“I’ll wait.”


And with that Daehyun pecks Himchan on the lips and they hold hands under the duvet while watching 11pm re-runs of the daily news.