some nights sooyoung would stay up late and spend the whole night tossing and turning. this was one of those nights.

out of the darkness, a small figure emerged, her feet moved in small steps and voice a low whisper, “what’s wrong?” 

but juhyun didn’t have to ask that, because sooyoung never had an answer for her, but she always asked anyways.

“how long have you been awake?” juhyun inquired as she got into bed with the other.

“a couple hours” 

juhyun said nothing further, knowing the only thing sooyoung wanted was her undivided silence. 

-

“you know my.. my.. boyfriend right?” sooyoung found it hard to say the world aloud, especially to the girl besides her.

juhyun did not answer right away, she laid motionless on the bed for a while.

“..yes” 

“what do you think of him?” 

“you know how. i think he’s a nice kid.”

“i know but.. what do you really think of him?” 

juhyun’s eyes flickered over to sooyoung with her eyebrows furrowed, “what?”

sooyoung didn’t need light to be able to identify juhyun’s reaction.

“what’s your honest opinion of him?” 

“i like him. he makes you happy.” 

sooyoung glanced over at juhyun, it was pitch dark and she could not make her out in the slightest, so she inched closer to the girl, hugging the girl’s arm, you make me happy, sooyoung thought as she drifted off into sleep.

-

sleep did not last long, it never did for her these days. 

sooyoung laid there, dried mouth and teary-eyed at the desire burning in her lungs. it was too much - so much she could smell the smoke from inside of her. she had bit back the urge earlier when the other was awake, the urge to cup juhyun’s small little face and taste a bit of heaven, the urge to undo her rigid lips that were full of secrets and 3 lettered love notes for juhyun, the urge to do anything but nothing.

sooyoung wanted juhyun in the most purest form. she wanted to pepper kisses on juhyun’s collarbones, she wanted to fall asleep next to her every night and receive bad breath kisses from the girl every morning, she wanted her shy glances to mean something to the other, she wanted her to feel what she felt whenever their hands brush.

sooyoung wanted juhyun so bad it scared her. 

-

juhyun woke up alone, the spot next to her cold and empty. 

she felt a sense of longing but did not know for whom.

/ 

they haven’t talked much as of late; a few hi’s and hello’s exchanged in the kitchen as they respectively rush off to their schedules, not seeing each other until the next day.

juhyun is too busy to notice.

sooyoung marked down all the days in her calendar.

/

sooyoung’s love for juhyun has swallowed her whole, so strong, she could barely keep herself alive as it marked every inch of her skin. 

it was maddening. 

but sooyoung could not stop.

/

“have you ever been in love?” sooyoung asked taehwan.

“yes, have you?”

she ignored his question, “did it hurt?”

“love is not supposed to hurt”

then what was it she felt every time she looked at juhyun?

/ 

sooyoung decided it’d be best to keep her distance from juhyun.

/

it was a free day; no schedules or any type of busy work. juhyun was excited to spend the day with sooyoung, wanting to make up for the past busy month where they barely held a conversation. she raps on their closed bedroom door, and upon receiving no response, welcomes herself in.

“hey i have some movies, do y--”

juhyun pauses mid-sentence when her eyes catch up to the sight in front of her; sooyoung donned in a short white dress and high heels as she sat in front of her vanity applying make-up. 

sooyoung does not look at juhyun, not because she doesn’t want to, but because she can’t.

“where are you going? i thought we were ha--”

sooyoung’s phone buzzed to life, the name ‘taehwan’ dancing on the screen, and she lunged for it as if her life depended on it. she stood up, phone next to her ear but words directed at the older girl as she dashes out the door “sorry.. i have to go, but i’ll see you later tonight!”

“..ok-”

sooyoung was already gone.

this hurts juhyun more than it should.

she does not bother to wait up for sooyoung that night.

/

juhyun’s eyes linger on sooyoung longer than they usually do.

juhyun does not notice, but everyone else does.

/

it was two in the morning and sooyoung stood bent over in front of the refrigerator, searching for snacks to calm her volatile thoughts.

“do you hate me?” 

“oh my god!” sooyoung yelped at the sudden presence behind her. she turned around, a plastic cup of yogurt in hand and confusion on her face.

“do you hate me?” juhyun reiterated as she advanced towards her.

“of course not” sooyoung replied almost immediately.

somehow, juhyun could not bring herself to believe her.