|03| The Vow

People said that I’ve changed.

After I found out about the truth behind Jongdae oppa’s mysterious girl(boy)friend, I've changed. My friends said that I’ve become a completely different person for a while. My friends know me as the bubbly and talkative girl who’s always been honest about her feelings, but not anymore. After I knew about Jongdae oppa’s secret, I’m not as cheerful as I was before. My smile is not as bright as it was and I'm also not that talkative anymore. My friends said that not only my personality, but my habit have changed too. I don’t patch my face on the window anymore. I don’t come to school early to waiting for Jongdae oppa anymore. I don’t talk about Jongdae oppa anymore. It is so different from the past when I could talk about Jongdae oppa everyday and every minute, telling people about how kind he was, how handsome he was, and how perfect he was as a human being. Too bad, I don’t do that anymore.

My friends think that those reasons are enough for them to prove their assumption about something that might happened between me and Jongdae oppa. Of course my friends wouldn’t know about what actually happened, but they were guessing that I finally decided to move on from him after being in one-sided love situation for such a long time. Well, they were not completely wrong actually. If they thought like that, then I shall just let them be. I can’t tell them the real reason, that the pure and kind-hearted Kim Jongdae is actually a gay, right? Even if I do tell them, they won’t believe me anyway.

The only person that know about Jongdae oppa’s secret beside me is my bestfriend, Jieun. Calling Jieun was the first thing that I did on the Saturday morning after I found out the truth on Friday. Jieun came into my house and found me in my worst mental-breakdown state. I was definitely sure she could see the trace of tears on my cheeks clearly and my red, watery eyes. Oh and don’t forget about my mussy hair and a bunch of used tissues that were spreading in every corner of my bed.

Jieun heard all of my story thoroughly and when I finished it, I found her speechless. Jieun was always worried about me since I told her that I love Kim Jongdae, she told me that being obssesed with someone is not good. But when she met Jongdae oppa, I could tell that she can't deny about the reality, that Jongdae oppa was a really nice boy. He love to help people and he always give his smile to everyone. I also told her a few years ago that Jongdae oppa was quite religious, but what the hell is happening now? I can imagine him smoking, drinking alcohol, or even use drugs because I’ve always have the fantasy if someday he might become a bad boy, but certainly I've never imagine him to be a gay.

Jieun is definitely, obviously, and totally sure that this truth is crushing my hope to be with him in the future. I know that very well too and it really really really breaks my heart. Why can’t he just get a girlfriend? Or engaged? Or even married? At least he’s still interested with girls and I won’t give up just because of that. Hey, who knows, they might be break up someday, right?

But what? A gay? This is totally a deal breaker because how am I suppose to keep loving someone who doesn’t even have a ual desire for me? Or for any girls. Knowing about this, Jieun said that she wouldn’t let someone like Jongdae oppa to came into my life anymore. She wished that I’m not that stupid to keep holding on to him.

Well, am I? Am I really not that stupid? I'm so ashamed to admit it but after I found out that I've been in love with a gay, I feel so stupid. I can't even fall in love with a proper guy. What do I expect in my next life? Why should I fall in love with the wrong one? The Heaven should've know that I always love someone sincerely from my heart and always try to keep a faith, but why is this happened to me? Is it really my fate? I want to find my true love too!

I love Jongdae oppa for almost 4 years. I love him and only him. He’s the only boy that I think when I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning. I believed that he's the one for me. I was sure that he was destined to be with me, but now, I’m not sure anymore. My faith in him is fading. This is just too cruel and too bad to be true. I have faith in him for almost 4 years. I trusted him. I believed that he’s the nicest, the kindest, and the best boy in all over the world and he was created by God for me. Eventually, all of those thoughts are wrong. So what am I suppose to do now?

Should I try to forget him and move on? Or should I keep holding on to him?

I know that the right answer is to forget him and move on, but I can’t stop thinking about my struggle and efforts for him in the past 3 years. Even after I found out that he’s a gay, I already know that my efforts are useless. But I still have some hope that maybe, just maybe, someday he will back to become a straight person and fully interested with girls again. Is it that wrong to have some hope like that? When I said this to Jieun, she was disagree with me. She said that it’s difficult and almost impossible for someone who's gay to become straight again.

“Besides, he has a....well...boyfriend, Soojung-ah. You know, from the picture. Who can guarantee that he...umm...hasn't perform any ual activity with him?”

I looked at her in shock. My eyes were enlarged. “What the...excuse me, are you accusing Jongdae oppa that he’s already doing....um..eh...'that'....with his girl..no, I mean..boyfriend?” I stuttered.

Jieun shrugged, “No, I’m not accusing him but who knows. Gays, lesbians, they have too many secret, Soojung-ah. Can’t you see? Jongdae oppa’s is one of them.”

I looked down as my mind was agree with her. Jieun was right. Of course I don’t want to spend my life with someone like that, but I loved him too much! I should have move on right away and it should’ve been easy for me because the reason is certain but why can’t I? Why am I so confuse?

Maybe because I did everything for him. I always gave him chocolate on Valentine’s day, I always gave him a birthday present, and I always texted him and cheered him up whenever he had a bad time. I was always be there for him, practically. And I feel like I can’t let my longlasting love for him broken into pieces just like this, but I can’t possibly keep holding on to him too.

An idea popped in my mind at the time I talked with Jieun.

“Hey, what if I could make Jongdae oppa change his preferrences? What if I could make him interested with girls again?” I beamed at Jieun. I blinked my eyes several times at her, hoping for some positive response.

But the result was otherwise. Jieun poked my forehead.

“Are you nuts? I've told you, it’s very difficult. Almost impossible. And what if you couldn’t? Are you going to keep trying for him? Are you going to keep chasing him? Well let's say that someday he'll come to you and tell you that has interest in you and wants to marry you, but when you guys are married, you find him cheating, with a guy! What are you going to do?”

I pouted, “I will kill the guy. How dare he...” but Jieun cut me off.

“Jung Soojung!” She yelled.

“Okay okay. I'm just asking. I'm not going to try to change his preferrences because you know why? You just give me a creepy imagination about my future if I were going to keep holding on to him. Thank you.” I sighed.

Jieun stared at me sincreley.

“Soojung-ah, you’re my bestfriend. I want you to be with the best guy, the one who can make you happy forever, not someone who have the possibility to cheating, On a guy. I’m sure you deserve someone much better than him.”

I could feel the sense of caring on her voice and her eyes and I knew that Jieun always thought of me just like her sister and so do I. She just wants the best for me.

“I know. Thank you, Jieun-ah.” I thanked her with all my heart and hugged her.

 At that moment, I decided to follow Jieun’s suggestion. I decided to try to give up on him and move on. But I told her that it will be quite hard. Ever since I found out about the truth and all the talks I did with Jieun, I feel like I can’t trust boys anymore. I have a feeling like I must be careful if I wanted to love someone again. To be exact, I’m not going to love someone first. I will wait until whoever he is, show how much he love and care for me first. Until then, I will remain quiet. I’ve made a promise to myself and I will do everything to keep this promise. It’s not hard, isn’t it?

Well, I do it because it seems like I tend to fall in love with a wrong person. Kim Jongdae, my first love. And that stupid guy in elementary school, my first crush. Thank God I have no idea where he is now but seriously, I’m starting to questioning myself if my taste in boys are really that bad. When I fell in love with Kim Jongdae, I thought he was the right one. And so did I when I liked that stupid boy from elementary school. Well, it turns out that I was wrong. They’re not the right one. They’re the bad one. That’s why I think I really shouldn’t fall in love with a boy first.

Do you hear me, my heart?

Do not fall in love first, Jung Soojung!

In that way, I won’t be the one who love too much, who give too much, and who care too much. I will not allow anyone to turn my life upside down like this anymore.

This is my vow.

***

Author's note :

Starting from this chapter, I will use Soojung's POV. Hope you will enjoy the story^^