The moment it happened, chaos filled the practice room. It was unbelievable that one of their own could disappear in the blink of an eye, without any trace of a goodbye. There was yelling, disbelief, anger, sadness, but most of all, there was confusion. How could one of them just disappear in the blink of an eye?

Though, when you looked close enough, Kris wasn’t happy. Actually, a lot of them weren’t happy, not all the time. They had fleeting moments of happiness on stage in between stressful dance practices, exhausting all night sessions in the recording booth, and frightening experiences in airports where fans who loved them were blinded by that love and let things get hectic. But, it was still hard to believe that he left them.

While some other members began shedding tears or taking to the internet, Kai sat down against SM’s famous cloudy wall in the practice room, just staring at the ground in front of him. He felt numb and he felt tired, but mostly, he was confused. He couldn’t bring himself to get angry or cry or even say anything. He just spent hours staring at the shiny, hardwood floors in front of him.

It was only when a familiar person sat down next to him that he was able to say anything. “I’m okay.”

“If you really are, maybe you are the punk half of our fans think you are.” Suho had a slight smirk on his lips, but his eyes were hollow. “In this situation, it’s okay to not be okay.”

“I know.” Kai could hear that his voice sounded just as hollow as his leader’s eyes. “I just-“ his eyes caught sight of Exo-M’s lanky maknae pushing away the supportive arms of Xiumin, “I just don’t need to make it harder. It won’t bring him back.”

“Don’t hold back for anyone else’s sake besides your own.” Suho rested a hand on the young dancer’s shoulder, “It’ll drive you insane. You have to get hurt before you can heal.”

“You’re not a fortune cookie, hyung, don’t talk like that.” Kai did his best to smile, but he couldn’t do it. No when so much chaos was surrounding him. No matter where he looked, he saw his bandmates suffering.

When he looked left, he could see Chen being silent, for what felt like the first time since debut. On any other day, Kai would have thanked every higher power imaginable for an hour of silence from Chen. But now, as the seconds passed by, Kai would have given his soul for another stupid joke from the older male.

To his right, Suho had moved on to Sehun, who looked like he was having none of it. The youngest was angry, there was no mistaking the fire in his eyes. When the leader of Exo-K attempted to wrap a supportive arm around him, Sehun immediately shoved him away and whispered something that had to be venomous. Or at least that’s how Kai read Suho’s reaction. After recovering from the shock, Suho shook his head, muttered something, and walked away.

Kai’s eyes followed the leader as he moved over to another person to console, which happened to be a red eyed, hyperventilating Luhan. Kai couldn’t blame him though, after all the time the two spent together, so far from home, Luhan deserved to go a little crazy.

Traveling the room even further, his eyes landed on the only person who looked more lost than he felt. After years of idolizing Exo-M’s charismatic leader, Tao looked broken. The boy had been furious at first, and took to social network sites to try and express his frustration, however within moments, his entire demeanor changed and, almost as if in slow motion, the boy crumpled to the ground. And ever since then, he just stayed there, barely moving.

Feeling a bit concerned, and considering checking the other for a pulse, Kai stood up on wobbly legs – one of his feet had actually fallen asleep – and made his way to Tao.  “Zitao?”

The Chinese boy’s eyes flickered up to Kai’s face momentarily, before zoning out into the space in front of him. He didn’t move any other muscle, just sat completely still.

“He’s not going to talk,” Yixing seemed to appear out of nowhere. “He’s denying anything happened, because even the thought of admitting he left is killing him.”

“You have to get hurt before you can heal.” Kai found himself repeating Suho’s fortune cookie talk, but Tao had no response.

Yixing knelt in front of Tao, pushed the boy’s hair away from his face, and muttered something softly in Mandarin.

The younger Chinese boy’s body seemed to tense for a second before he shook his head. Yixing, being the caring member he was, ran a comforting hand through the boy’s hair while saying more things Kai couldn’t understand.

Despite not being a part of Exo-M, Kai liked to think that his grasp on Mandarin was descent, but the only thing he managed to pick up from Yixing’s muttering was a term of affection that he, Luhan, and Kris used only for Tao. Since thebeginning, the older three Chinese members had a huge soft spot for Tao, and Kai had no problem with that at first. But, as time went on and Kai grew to know his new hyungs, he couldn’t help but feel a small bubble of jealousy in his chest. Even in a situation as unthinkable as the one they were in now, Kai felt that same bubble rise, however, he also felt a bit ashamed of himself for feeling that way. There were so many bigger problems going on, and Yixing was only trying to comfort Tao, who was almost like a brother to Kai. How could he be feeling jealousy at a time like this?

The dancer was pulled out of his guilty jealous when Tao suddenly stood up and crossed the room. Kai’s eyes followed the slightly older boy until his lanky frame reached Luhan and, without a word, embraced him.

“He still won’t admit it,” Yixing sighed, his eyes not leaving the other two Chinese members. “But at least this way he can be useful.” Then, the dancer turned to Kai and began straightening his hair, “How are you holding up?”

“Honestly?” Kai liked the feeling of the other boy’s fingers threading through his hair, “I don’t know.”

“Give it time to sink in,” Yixing brought his hand down to Kai’s shoulder to grip it softly. “We’ll be here for you when it hits.”

“Thanks.” Kai felt like he could almost send a smile to the older boy. It wasn’t quite to his lips, but it was the closest thing to a smile Kai had felt since the news broke. “But are you-“

“Yixing,” Luhan’s soft voice called the talented dancer.

Immediately Yixing turned towards the older and replied with some quick Mandarin before turning to Kai and switching to Korean, “Just remember to find me when you need me, I’ll be there for you.”

With that, Yixing walked over to Luhan and Tao.

As Kai watched them interact, he couldn’t help but wonder what they were saying. It was always breathtaking to watch two of the Chinese members together. Sure there were times when Kai felt homesick since he was away from his family, but he only had to wait for a day off to go see them. Plus, it wasn’t hard to send a text or make a phone call to someone in the same city. And for most of the other members, it wasn’t hard to think about texting family, texting across the country was just like texting someone in the room right next to you. However, for the members whose families were in China, the stars had to practically align for them to meet face to face. Texting was a little bit easier, but it still wasn’t the same as a mother’s home cooked meal or just spending time with them.

Since they couldn’t see their family as much, the Chinese members had adapted to each other. They became their own version of a family, even if it wasn’t the type of relationship that was obvious from a thousand meters away.

“You still okay?” Suho had made his way around the room and back to Kai.

“I think so, yeah.” Despite feeling jealous not too long before, and plain confused before that, Kai felt a bit more at ease when he thought about what Yixing had said. The older dancer didn’t say the group was there for him, nor the company. He had said he, as in Yixing, would be there for Kai. Personally. Just for him.

“Just please, make sure you talk to someone about it before it starts eating you up inside,” Suho finished talking just as one of their manager’s walked in with a stern look on his face.

“Keep strong guys,” The manager took a moment to look at the group of lost boys in front of him, “You guys have to stay strong because nothing’s getting cancelled, which means you have a lot to relearn.”