The rain hadn’t stopped falling since two hours ago. Zitao couldn’t stop looking at the rain drops slowly crawling its way to the downside of the window sill from where he was currently sitting. The coffee that once was so warm, had stopped showing its puff, signaling that it was no longer warm in the grip of his large hands.

Just like Zitao’s feelings right now.

He looked to the side, facing the love of his life with the most sincere gaze he could ever give after giving him twenty minutes of silent treatment. If only the stare alone was enough to keep Yifan stay. But it wasn’t. He knew it. It would never be enough for Yifan if he stayed by his side for now. His eyes were clouded with fear, knowing that his greatest nightmare would soon turn into reality when his gaze met with his. No words spoken, no touches shared, no feet bumped on each other under the table, no more stolen kisses when the other was sipping their coffee, no sickening sweet smile thrown for nothing. No anything.

Zitao swore he could hear the cracking sound of his heart when Yifan’s fingers slowly crawled on the table to reach his hands, intertwining his slander fingers with the younger’s. He tried so hard to hold back the urge to quickly grab them and hold them tight like he would always do years ago, to memorize the warmth he sent through their tangled fingers, because this would probably be his last time.

“Zitao…”

No he didn’t bother to reply. He didn’t want to look up from their tangled fingers. He only had to focus on their shared hands right now.

“Zitao, look at me.”

No, he didn’t want to.

“I…”

He finally looked up from where his gaze stayed for awhile. Yifan’s adam apples’ bobbing and Zitao knew exactly the words that were going to come out of his mouth weren’t going to be good anymore. But he was ready for this.

“I don’t know where our relationship stands right now.”

…wasn’t he?

“I can’t see the both of us in the long run anymore.”

It was so quiet. Nothing but the sound of the falling rain that could be heard. It was so quiet there that Zitao thought he could really hear his heart cracking and slowly broken to pieces. The thought of losing the fingers that now still intertwined with his, losing the reason of him for holding on for so long, the only person who could light up his world and change him… it all feared him to death. Knowing that he would have an empty space in his life and no one was going to fill it for who knew how long. It scared him.

It wasn’t going to be the same with anyone else.

Zitao knew he was crying when Yifan touched his now reddened cheeks with the movement of erasing his tear tracks. Oh now he was crying. The tears that he had held for the last few minutes was now flooding out through his eyes. He kept reminding himself that he was not supposed to cry. No, Yifan hated it when he cried because that meant Yifan couldn’t protect him from being unhappy. Years ago Zitao would stop crying when Yifan told him to. But now he wouldn’t stop. Not until all his sadness disappeared.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Yifan looked at his lover in disbelief. To hear such words like it’s okay to come out from Zitao’s mouth when really, he could throw all the words to him. Three years they had shared their previous days and now here they were sitting, facing each other and soon after this conversation ended, they would turn into strangers again. Just like how it all started three years ago.

“Aren’t you… mad?” He asked softly, still rubbing his thumb over the back of the younger’s hand.

“I am. Oh I’m so mad. I mean, who wouldn’t? B-but,” he stuttered, having difficulties speaking with tears choking him, “I can do n-nothing if this is w-what you really w-want.”

Zitao pulled his hand away from Yifan, securely keeping it from his touching range anymore.

“I need to know why,” he forced himself to speak. “Three years is not a while and if you’re going to leave me here with all that’s left, then I need to know the reason.”

Yifan pulled his stretched