It was around a year ago when I asked him to be my boyfriend ,I was so much in love with him that I didn’t mind when he told he will accept to be my boyfriend but I should know that he doesn’t love me and probably he won’t love me . I told him that my love for him would be enough for both of us.

That’s what I believed, I was so in love with him I was blind to see what is going to happen to me and to him, the first month I was so happy to finally have him with me  even when I would say I love him his answer will always be

“And I don’t love you”

I felt like he just wants to remind me of his word and that answer wouldn’t change but the problem is that now it hurts and it hurts a lot. But then he was still interested in me he would at least listen to me when I talk ,he would smile a little when I try to be funny, some time he would initiate a kiss even if it was rare, he would answer my phone calls and the most important thing, I was his only special person ,not that he would love me or something but at least I was the only person in his life no one would touch him unless it’s me ,no one would kiss him unless it’s me. But that changed in the second month, not his “I don’t love you” changed because he never forget to remind me of them every day, but it becomes worst every day, he will let people molest him, bath with him, kiss him and the problem its always when I was there, I have to watch every moment of his action but what was worst is that I will always be with him no matter what,

“I love you from the bottom of my heart Hyukjae” I’ll always say that right after he get a kiss from his friend or even having with some girl and like always.

“I don’t love you” and he will kiss me, hug me and get his way with me, and I will always smile to him some time I would say.

“How is your bath with singmin or let say how’s your ? “

“He was quite good but I like your more” and with that I will be so happy that I’ll forget everything and I will always say that as long as he return to me, it would be enough.

Time passes and I was no longer that donghae before ,this love was killing me day by day ,even to smile was not there anymore, I couldn’t smile anymore ,I was so lifeless my friends always say that I look like a zombie and there is no one could find anything that related to donghae before I was no longer donghae, that they knew and that they liked to talk to I almost lost every one ,I don’t blame them who woud want to be friend with someone that he just will be sitting with them and didn’t talk, maybe the only word I would say “ I love  you hyukjae “ and I will wait for him to say “I love you too” but it was always a fantasy .

“I love you hyukjae “

“I don’t love you”

And that was our conversion apart from kisses or between as, and then everyone goes to his way.

I’m sitting now waiting for him as always and here he is. I was ready to tell him my usual but he said not bothering to sit down:

“Look I know you love me and by now you absolutely know that I don’t and it becomes ridicules I want to break out with you.”

I was stunned by his word, I know that I love him but somehow it makes me relieved that he said those words, at least like this he could find someone he could love.

“thank you “

He was lost of words first, his mouth was wide open, and he couldn’t understand why I’m thanking him.

“I know I was a burden, I know you didn’t love me and I know that there is someone else that will make you love her, and she is a nice girl by the way.”

“w..wh…what do you mean?”

“I’ve seen how you eyed her every time she’s in the restaurant, you always take me there even if you hate sea food and you always taking salad, and since you sow her from the first time you didn’t have this flings with everyone, you were loyal to her even if she’s not yours yet. And that’s what makes her different from others, she tamed you. That is what I couldn’t do.”

“I’m sorry” he whispered.

“Don’t be, I’m thankful that you accepted me in the first place and to tell that we lasted for a year, it makes me happy. But I don’t know if I can give you this or not since you just break up with me?”

I told him while holding a wrapped gift.

“What’s that for?” he asked confused

“I know you forgot actually it’s our anniversary today so I thought I t would be nice to give you this.” I smiled bitterly and added “I was trying last night to think of topic to talk about since this month. I was so stressed and I didn’t try to talk, it was so silent and I’m sorry to bore you “my eyes were getting teary and I know that I couldn’t hold it anymore.

“I’m sorry I have to go now ,have a nice life, and please be happy ok” I said and turned around and run, but before going too far I turned around not bothering to wash away my tears and said

“Please act as if we didn’t know each other if we met “and with that I left.

I run until I couldn’t handle it anymore, I collapsed but before I touched the floor there was a delicate hands trying to prevent me from collapsing, he managed to barely save me because he was now under me, I know who is it. He was Heechul ,the only friend that accepted my change, actually I felt guilty for him because, he just changed with me ,he didn’t talk when I didn’t ,ha didn’t smile when I didn’t, I was afraid that he loves me and really hope he is not because he is the last person I want him to be hurt.

I looked under me I was looking at his cat eyes ready to apologize but he bit me up and said:

“You know that you are heavy right?” I didn’t understand what he means by that, I just looked at him with a big eyes

“Oh my god, I know that you are stupid but not that much?”

“You are being rude chillie “

“Really?” he was stunned by my answer

“Of Corse first you said I’m heavy and then I’m stupid. You are rude.” I pouted

“Oh my god! What are you? Get up you idiot, you are suffocating me you fat.” And with that I just remembered that I was on top of him, and with that I rolled and laughed forgetting all the worries I was on.

He laughed with me and then his eyes soften and become serious and then he said

“It’s nice to see you smile again hae, I almost forget how shining you becomes when you do.”

“I missed laughing to. He let me go; I was relieved when he did, to tell the truth I still love him so much and I don’t think that I can get over him, but I’m happy that he soon will find someone that he will love, I’m really happy to see him happy, I will wait for the day to see his smile, his real smile.”

I looked at Heechul waiting for him to say something, but he looked hurt and I knew in that moment that he really loves me, but I tried to make sure of it so I asked him:

“Do think that I’m stupid to think this way?”

“No ,you are not, you are just too much in love that you don’t care about yourself ,you just see that you’ll be happy if he is happy, people say that love is to let go when you have to.” There are some tears in his eyes and it really hurts to see him like that. It really hurts.

“Do you think that one day when you can get over him you can see me as a lover?”

He asked very seriously and with that I knew that he loves me as much as I love hyukjae, I was crying now, I was sorry for him ,but I couldn’t do anything to make him feel better because I know what it feels to be a one-sided lover. The only thing that I can do is to hug him tightly.

“I’m sorry Heechul, I’m really sorry,”

“If you are then…” he posed a little I was scared of him to tell me that I have to go out with him but what he said next made me respect him more and more he always was unpredictable even in situation like this. “Then you should be happy and try to forget him, I want to see you happy so I could be happy, don’t be selfish you got your happiness by hyukjae’s happiness, so what about me?”

He said pouting. And that’s my hyung again, some time break ups are not painfull when your relation ship was out of sympathy, he pitied me first when he found me so desperate to be with him, but that’s the worst thing that would happen to someone. I know It will take me so much time to get over him and I’m afraid I won’t ,but I also know that it will be best for the tow of us to stay away, like that I can gain myself back.

Now I feel peaceful.