Before the dawn
Paradise Lost
Waking up in cold sweat, you find yourself staring at the glaring clock flashing an infuriating 3:12AM in green florescent light. 3:13, 3:14, 3:15, the minutes slowly tick away as you shut your eyes tightly, willing yourself to fall back asleep with no such luck. Sigh. Wrapping your pink blanket around you, you tiptoe quietly in your thick woolly socks making your way quietly into Woohyun and Sunggyu’s room for no reason at all. Feeling your way around the room, you turn on the white bedside lamp, casting an eerie glow over the huge empty master bedroom. You find yourself toying with their possessions, not sure why you can’t sleep tonight. 'I can't ever bear to get rid of anything,' you think, running your hands over Sunggyu’s massive hat collection, carefully organized by color. I should throw this one out now that you’re gone, oppa, you think ironically, shaking your head at his silly leopard print cap.
Restless, you find yourself walking over to the floor to ceiling pegboard filled with photos and a million little scraps of handwritten notes that accumulated over the years, none of you ever willing to throw anything away ("It's memories!" Hoya yelled, when you wanted to throw away his first grocery list."You'll treasure it one day!") - “Pick up breakfast!” “I love you more than chicken wings!” “Kim Sunggyu is a meanie!” Each note now unbearable. You were right, oppa. you think, swallowing the huge lump in your throat. More than you know.
A huge INFINITE + INSPIRITS banner hangs across the top, its pale silver edges frayed over time, a gift from their fans. Biting your lip, you touch the many polaroids tacked to the wall...Sungjong's face smeared with cake for his 17th birthday, the horrified faces at top of the Tokyo Tower, the teary first win, Woohyun's self taken ab pictures ("..to track my progress!" he had said, blushing)....a random cluster of Hoya’s daily purple outfits.. you stifle a laugh noticing that Sungyeol drew horns and a tail and wrote Barney over Hoya’s face. You tug at a picture, stuck behind all the others, hidden behind the layers of photos. It was a faded picture of your big move-in day, the eight people in the picture sweaty but smiling holding up cute peace signs. It seemed so long ago that you look at it almost detached, as if the people in the picture were mere strangers.
Flipping it over, your lips move quietly, reciting the bittersweet inscription by heart.. Day one to infinity~!
Awakened by your absence in bed, Sunggyu rubs his eyes, yawning shuffling down the hall. He was always a light sleeper. ‘What is she doing?’ he thinks, peeking into the room, your small frame overwhelmed by the empty room. Worried that you might hurt yourself again tonight, he tries to place a hand on your shoulder hoping to give you strength. "Is she....?" a voice calls from behind him, Sunggyu turns around surprised, the others quietly slipping into the room, huddled sleepily together. "I don't know...."
But he didn’t need to worry. Tonight.... tonight all you want to do is sleep in their bed tonight because your own bed felt too foreign, too big. You itched to be closer, in any way to them tonight. You pull his favorite black sweatshirt from his closet, fitting your tiny arms through the sleeves. It smells like you, Sunggyu-ah, you say out loud, wrapping the worn sleeves around your tiny, freezing body crawling into the king sized bed. I miss you all. The leader smiles sadly at the mention of his name, getting in bed after you, patting your tired head in comfort. The others wordlessly make themselves comfortable, as if this was just another silly sleepover....Woohyun, L and Sungyeol snuggled on the adjacent couch, hoodies pulled tightly over their heads. Dongwoo, Sungjong at the foot of the bed and Hoya and Sunggyu pushed close on both sides.
“It’s our last night together..” Hoya mumbles dejectedly, his gentle hands grazing your midsection. “I hate this.”
“Thanks Captain Obvious.” Sungjong sighs loudly, his voice nasally as if holding back tears. Hoya glares at the younger boy in the dark. “Sungjong’s talking back, hyung.” He complains to Sunggyu.
Sunggyu sighs deeply, closing his eyes, blocking out everything, relishing the remaining hours.
__________________________
“Bye house!” Sungjong calls, trying to keep joy in his voice. He walks up to you sitting by yourself on the pretty pink couch, knees tucked underneath your chin, the bright sun casting a glowing halo over you. "Take care of yourself ok? Read my comic books if you’re bored ok? They’re really funny.” He pauses, tears falling from his eyes. “.... Mr. Fluffy is all yours now. Don’t hurt yourself anymore ok? If you need to, slap him.. he’s good for that.”
Sungyeol puts a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t cry, Sungjongie. It’s for her own good.” He turns to you, kneeling down on his knees. “And don’t forget to laugh. I think we filled you with enough happiness for a lifetime, right? You are always the prettiest when you smile. Think of us often. Your funny, handsome oppas. Don’t forget us, ok?”
Dongwoo coughed softly, the two younger boys nodding giving their hyung alone time with you, moving reluctantly toward the door.. the end. The blonde haired rapper sits next to you, placing a hand on your leg.
It’s so cold today, you think, shivering even in this bright, sunny day.
“Did you know that I couldn’t stand this house when we moved it?” Dongwoo laughed to himself, “I hated that Hoya got a room next to yours and I was stuck on the first floor. Remember when everyone tricked me and told me I was the lucky one to share a room with you and moved all my stuff in the laundry room? I really fell for it, babe!” He slides to the floor, laying his head on your lap.
“Now you can move into a smaller place. Something with pink walls, pink carpet. You’d like that right?....We had a lot of memories in this house...We were...we are a family. And family doesn’t let family get hurt...We.. let you get hurt. But no more of that ok? Be happy......We love you..” he sniffles, kissing you on the cheek, looking at you once last time.
“Get some ...closure.” Dongwoo urges Hoya, standing stiffly in the hallway, refusing to let you go. Refusing to believe he’ll never see you again, the kind-hearted boy taking it the hardest. With a small shove from Dongwoo, he stumbles at your feet, sitting down between your legs, his face inches from yours, “..........It’s a nice day today. Why do all bad things happen on nice days?” he smiles ironically, his voice shaking, “I hate good weather now.”
“But you. You.. This is the start of a new beginning for you ok? I know I’m supposed to have good words to send you off, but … it’s ..it’s so hard baby... do you know that?” Hoya rubs his eyes roughly, his eyes swollen and red. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to continue, “You...You live up to be everything you want to be. You are the most talented, most amazing person I know. And I love you so, so much. I’ll always love you....Don’t forget your Ho-aegi..” He chuckles feebly, kissing you on your cheek. “Live well, baby..” You stare down at the floor, nearly making eye contact. It was good enough for him.
Shivering harder, you get up and walk to the patio window. Were your oppas near? It felt so cold today, so unusually still. “What are you looking for, kitten?” L smiles, circling around you. You glance back at a sudden wind, but there’s nothing. “Yes, it’s me silly girl..you just can’t see me.” He presses his hands on the window, next to yours, already close to tears. “I can’t believe we’ve been together for so long..I hope I was a good oppa to you. Even though I’m not always as vocal as your other oppas... I... really care for you. Since the first night. Do you remember that night? I wish we could go back to the school gym and dance together again..I wish we could..start over.” He wipes his tears with his sleeve. “I wish..that we didn’t have to go. But....” L breaks down, unable to continue, walking abruptly to the door. He could not bare to stay anymore, each minute hurting even more. “I love you...”
Sunggyu reaches out and holds L in his arms, letting the young man cry, his body shaking violently. His own heart pounded, hurting with every step. He nods at Woohyun who came into the room, his face dark and somber. “Go...”
Woohyun follows you as you sit down on the living room floor, looking at the house for one last time. “Pretty huh?” He smiles weakly, pointing to the chandelier above the couch. “Remember how hard you begged for that? Sungyeol nearly killed himself hanging that up. But you smiled, you smiled so brightly..dancing underneath the crystals.” He leans down to kiss your lips, satisfied at your sudden intake of breath. He slides down against the wall, your head tilting seemingly resting on his shoulders.
“I’m sorry, babe. I’m .. so sorry.” He murmurs, “I was wrong. You need to live. Live well for us. Have lots of kids ok? Maybe seven, is that too many? Name one of them Woohyun ok? He’ll be the luckiest baby on earth to have such a kind, loving mother. You are going to marry someone amazing, live in a beautiful house, even more beautiful than this! And you will live. Live to be a happy, old woman... even though you will always be the vibrant, silly baby that we all love. That I love.” Crying, he wraps his arms around you. “Good bye...”
He walks by Sunggyu, tears falling freely. “Hyung, I’m sorry about....” Sunggyu shakes his head, hugging his younger member. “No.. we all … we all … wanted it . at least for a moment.. I’m sorry for doing this.” Woohyun hands on to Sunggyu’s embrace, sobbing his eyes out. “I don’t want to leave her...” Squeezing his thin, frail body, Sunggyu tries to be strong. “I know, Woohyunnie. I know.”
Sunggyu approaches you finally, tentatively. There were so many things to say, yet he can’t remember anything. The tired leader holds your face in his hands, trying to memorize the color of your eyes, the shape of your nose, everything that there was to know, feel about you. What if.. what if he forgets. “Can you believe your oppas? You’d laugh if you saw us cry so much, wouldn’t you? Babe..” He stutters, words caught in his mouth. “I... I never loved anyone, anything as much as I loved you. You are the first person I share things with, even before Woohyun. You are my best friend. You made everyone so happy. Ever since you came into my life, I’ve danced only for you. I’ve sang only for you. I’ve lived..only for you.” he chuckles softly. “Oppa isn’t mad ok? If.. it was me, I would have done the same. I would die in an instant to be with you, to even see you again.”
“But now oppa has to leave you ok?” he bites his lip, forcing himself to face the truth. “Take care of yourself. Go to practices. Listen to manager hyung. Eat.. don’t forget to eat, babe..” Sunggyu rushes, knowing that he has to leave soon. “Live well...” He kisses you on the forehead sweetly, his heart breaking that he can’t touch you or see you any longer.
“We have to go..” Dongwoo whispers from the doorway. Sunggyu nods stiffly, getting up to his feet. Your seven oppas linger at the door for another second, looking at each other.
“She’s going to be fine, right hyung?” Sungyeol says, hopefully.
“She’s going to be fine.” Sunggyu replies, unable to keep the waver from his voice. The seven Infinite boys smiled and waved for the last time.. and stepped through the door.
The front door suddenly swings open slightly, Was it open this entire time? You get up confused walking over to close it gently. With a sunken heart, you press your hand against the wood door, closing your eyes, inhaling deeply. If only you could feel Sunggyu’s palm pressing back in the exact same spot.
The house is unusually quiet today, the usual chill no longer permeating the house. Taking a deep breath, you slide to the floor, fearing... knowing.. that you were truly alone.
You press your face to the door again.
“Goodbye, oppa...”
“It’s our last night together..” Hoya mumbles dejectedly, his gentle hands grazing your midsection. “I hate this.”
“Thanks Captain Obvious.” Sungjong sighs loudly, his voice nasally as if holding back tears. Hoya glares at the younger boy in the dark. “Sungjong’s talking back, hyung.” He complains to Sunggyu.
Sunggyu sighs deeply, closing his eyes, blocking out everything, relishing the remaining hours.
__________________________
“Bye house!” Sungjong calls, trying to keep joy in his voice. He walks up to you sitting by yourself on the pretty pink couch, knees tucked underneath your chin, the bright sun casting a glowing halo over you. "Take care of yourself ok? Read my comic books if you’re bored ok? They’re really funny.” He pauses, tears falling from his eyes. “.... Mr. Fluffy is all yours now. Don’t hurt yourself anymore ok? If you need to, slap him.. he’s good for that.”
Sungyeol puts a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t cry, Sungjongie. It’s for her own good.” He turns to you, kneeling down on his knees. “And don’t forget to laugh. I think we filled you with enough happiness for a lifetime, right? You are always the prettiest when you smile. Think of us often. Your funny, handsome oppas. Don’t forget us, ok?”
Dongwoo coughed softly, the two younger boys nodding giving their hyung alone time with you, moving reluctantly toward the door.. the end. The blonde haired rapper sits next to you, placing a hand on your leg.
It’s so cold today, you think, shivering even in this bright, sunny day.
“Did you know that I couldn’t stand this house when we moved it?” Dongwoo laughed to himself, “I hated that Hoya got a room next to yours and I was stuck on the first floor. Remember when everyone tricked me and told me I was the lucky one to share a room with you and moved all my stuff in the laundry room? I really fell for it, babe!” He slides to the floor, laying his head on your lap.
“Now you can move into a smaller place. Something with pink walls, pink carpet. You’d like that right?....We had a lot of memories in this house...We were...we are a family. And family doesn’t let family get hurt...We.. let you get hurt. But no more of that ok? Be happy......We love you..” he sniffles, kissing you on the cheek, looking at you once last time.
“Get some ...closure.” Dongwoo urges Hoya, standing stiffly in the hallway, refusing to let you go. Refusing to believe he’ll never see you again, the kind-hearted boy taking it the hardest. With a small shove from Dongwoo, he stumbles at your feet, sitting down between your legs, his face inches from yours, “..........It’s a nice day today. Why do all bad things happen on nice days?” he smiles ironically, his voice shaking, “I hate good weather now.”
“But you. You.. This is the start of a new beginning for you ok? I know I’m supposed to have good words to send you off, but … it’s ..it’s so hard baby... do you know that?” Hoya rubs his eyes roughly, his eyes swollen and red. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to continue, “You...You live up to be everything you want to be. You are the most talented, most amazing person I know. And I love you so, so much. I’ll always love you....Don’t forget your Ho-aegi..” He chuckles feebly, kissing you on your cheek. “Live well, baby..” You stare down at the floor, nearly making eye contact. It was good enough for him.
Shivering harder, you get up and walk to the patio window. Were your oppas near? It felt so cold today, so unusually still. “What are you looking for, kitten?” L smiles, circling around you. You glance back at a sudden wind, but there’s nothing. “Yes, it’s me silly girl..you just can’t see me.” He presses his hands on the window, next to yours, already close to tears. “I can’t believe we’ve been together for so long..I hope I was a good oppa to you. Even though I’m not always as vocal as your other oppas... I... really care for you. Since the first night. Do you remember that night? I wish we could go back to the school gym and dance together again..I wish we could..start over.” He wipes his tears with his sleeve. “I wish..that we didn’t have to go. But....” L breaks down, unable to continue, walking abruptly to the door. He could not bare to stay anymore, each minute hurting even more. “I love you...”
Sunggyu reaches out and holds L in his arms, letting the young man cry, his body shaking violently. His own heart pounded, hurting with every step. He nods at Woohyun who came into the room, his face dark and somber. “Go...”
Woohyun follows you as you sit down on the living room floor, looking at the house for one last time. “Pretty huh?” He smiles weakly, pointing to the chandelier above the couch. “Remember how hard you begged for that? Sungyeol nearly killed himself hanging that up. But you smiled, you smiled so brightly..dancing underneath the crystals.” He leans down to kiss your lips, satisfied at your sudden intake of breath. He slides down against the wall, your head tilting seemingly resting on his shoulders.
“I’m sorry, babe. I’m .. so sorry.” He murmurs, “I was wrong. You need to live. Live well for us. Have lots of kids ok? Maybe seven, is that too many? Name one of them Woohyun ok? He’ll be the luckiest baby on earth to have such a kind, loving mother. You are going to marry someone amazing, live in a beautiful house, even more beautiful than this! And you will live. Live to be a happy, old woman... even though you will always be the vibrant, silly baby that we all love. That I love.” Crying, he wraps his arms around you. “Good bye...”
He walks by Sunggyu, tears falling freely. “Hyung, I’m sorry about....” Sunggyu shakes his head, hugging his younger member. “No.. we all … we all … wanted it . at least for a moment.. I’m sorry for doing this.” Woohyun hands on to Sunggyu’s embrace, sobbing his eyes out. “I don’t want to leave her...” Squeezing his thin, frail body, Sunggyu tries to be strong. “I know, Woohyunnie. I know.”
Sunggyu approaches you finally, tentatively. There were so many things to say, yet he can’t remember anything. The tired leader holds your face in his hands, trying to memorize the color of your eyes, the shape of your nose, everything that there was to know, feel about you. What if.. what if he forgets. “Can you believe your oppas? You’d laugh if you saw us cry so much, wouldn’t you? Babe..” He stutters, words caught in his mouth. “I... I never loved anyone, anything as much as I loved you. You are the first person I share things with, even before Woohyun. You are my best friend. You made everyone so happy. Ever since you came into my life, I’ve danced only for you. I’ve sang only for you. I’ve lived..only for you.” he chuckles softly. “Oppa isn’t mad ok? If.. it was me, I would have done the same. I would die in an instant to be with you, to even see you again.”
“But now oppa has to leave you ok?” he bites his lip, forcing himself to face the truth. “Take care of yourself. Go to practices. Listen to manager hyung. Eat.. don’t forget to eat, babe..” Sunggyu rushes, knowing that he has to leave soon. “Live well...” He kisses you on the forehead sweetly, his heart breaking that he can’t touch you or see you any longer.
“We have to go..” Dongwoo whispers from the doorway. Sunggyu nods stiffly, getting up to his feet. Your seven oppas linger at the door for another second, looking at each other.
“She’s going to be fine, right hyung?” Sungyeol says, hopefully.
“She’s going to be fine.” Sunggyu replies, unable to keep the waver from his voice. The seven Infinite boys smiled and waved for the last time.. and stepped through the door.
The front door suddenly swings open slightly, Was it open this entire time? You get up confused walking over to close it gently. With a sunken heart, you press your hand against the wood door, closing your eyes, inhaling deeply. If only you could feel Sunggyu’s palm pressing back in the exact same spot.
The house is unusually quiet today, the usual chill no longer permeating the house. Taking a deep breath, you slide to the floor, fearing... knowing.. that you were truly alone.
You press your face to the door again.
“Goodbye, oppa...”
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