Another letter. How did they keep getting here? Yifan heaved a sigh as he sat at his desk and held the letter in hand. It smelled of Zitao's musky scent as they always did.

He opened it slowly; preparing himself for the words that would soon make his heart feel heavy and his spirit quiver with guilt.

Dear Ge,

We tried to walk together, but the night was growing dark.

I thought you were beside me, but I reached and you were gone.

Don’t my dreams seem more and more realistic as they come?

Sometimes I hear you calling from some lost and distant shore.

It's strange isn't it? I feel like I might be losing my mind.

I hear you crying softly for the way it was before.

But even when I did try to fix what I thought I had changed...

You still left us, Yifan.

You still left me.

I've tried finding you, but you're never where I think you would be.

I start to think that maybe you've gone where I almost was and I feel like I've lost my chance to find you again.

If you are there, will you wait for me?

Yifan stopped reading, knowing what the next page would say. He always wrote the same thing, as if he believed that one day he would send a response.

Where are you now?

Are you lost?

Will I find you again?

Are you alone?

Are you afraid

Where did you go?

I had to stay.

Now I'm reaching for you.

Will you wait?

Will you wait?

Will I see you again?

Was he really expecting his answer to these questions?

He had told him he would leave many times before in whispered words under sheets, yet he hadn't believed him. Zitao had always thought that he had been lying then, that his leader would always stay with him. It hadn't been because he wanted to leave Zitao behind. He had wanted to leave himself. He placed the letter back in its envelope and left it in the drawer with the many others he had received from him before. It was strange how he could hear Zitao's voice, speaking the words he wrote only for him.

Another letter.

They seemed to come more and more each day. He wasn't getting tired of them; it was just that the urge to go to him was more threatening than ever. It was in the exact same place as it was everyday, sitting on the desk as if that were where it belonged. But it wasn't. He lifted the letter as he sat down again, sighing as he opened the envelope and pulled out the letter inside.

Dear Ge,

'You took it with you when you left.

These scars are just a trace.

Now it wanders lost and wounded, this heart that I misplaced.'

You told me this when I went to Korea for a while the first time we had our first really bad argument.

But now I feel like I know exactly how you felt, if you truly did feel like this.

I never would have thought that I would feel pain so much before.

You've hurt me in the worse way, but I can't help but still love you.

And then the same words as before.

Where are you now?

Are you lost?

Will I find you again?

Are you alone?

Are you afraid?

Why did you go?

I had to stay.

Now I'm reaching for you.

Will you wait?

Will you wait?

Will I see you again?

There were extra lines at the end of the letter, ones that he had never seen there before.

I know you hate me writing you, but it's been so hard to stop.

I know you probably don't want to speak to me, and I try my hardest to stop, but I miss you so much gege that I can't help but try to get you to write me back.

Just once.

So this will be the last time I write.

I'm going back to our staging now, and SM has arranged a date for me and a girl from Red Velvet, he's taking advantage of us all, and it seems like he really believes that they'll all work out.

She's very sweet, but I doubt that I will be able to love her.

At least not as much as I love you.

But I know you think that I've changed and I've tried so hard to act how I used to be, but I don't know what you want from me.

Everything is different.

But now I can't help but laugh, even when I'm crying because I know that we'll never be able to please you again.

You must really hate me now, don't you?

His fists tightened on the page as fear filled his chest. He had sent this letter so many times before, and he knew it caused Zitao pain when he got nothing in return from him. Zitao didn't deserve the pain that he was causing him. And now he has to deal with a rumor. The beautiful writing had been slightly smeared, and tearstains graced the page. He was shocked to find that some of them were his own. Tears of hatred for himself filled his eyes as regret from leaving him took over his entire being.

He missed him.

Not once had he admitted this to himself, and the realization caused him to shed tears for the relationship he had left behind. In the spur of the moment he wanted this hatred to leave. He was becoming the selfish person he had wanted nothing to do with. He had done so much to make a change for himself that he forgot the one person that did all he could to stay the same just to keep him happy. Zitao had tried to accept his change, but Yifan had been a selfish bastard that thought Zitao was the one that wasn't staying the same.

He needed him back.

Yifan did the only thing he could do, even if he didn't know where he was right now. It wasn't too late to make things right. In a moment of panic and despair. Yifan sat at his desk with a pen in hand.

Dear, Taozi

But no words came to him, and he panicked because he knew the longer he took the further he would be going from him.

Tao, I--

He scratched out the words and began again, his thoughts becoming jumbles in his head.

I'm sorry for--

I can't--

I miss you so much--

He could not put what he was feeling into words, and he felt as if he were having a heart attack. He needed to write to him. Just this one time. Yifan inhaled deeply, his grip tightening on the pen as he wrote one final message.

Will I see you again?