Ryeowook’s POV

3 months have passed. My road to recovery throughout these three months have been filled with ups and down. But thanks to the members, I think that I can safely say that I am definitely better. And I am not just saying that for the members, but I am saying it for myself too. I am healthy for my members and for myself.

The first month had been the toughest. The members came together one night and made me talk about what I had been thinking and wanting that made me want to stave myself. Of course, they didn’t force me to spill everything out. Leeteuk came up with a tactic which I discovered only after a month later. He told us about his worries and problems and then the members started telling theirs too one by one and by the time it was my turn, I ended up spilling everything out. I didn’t wanted to at first but after listening to the other member’s worries, I suddenly felt normal. Safe even. It felt like… Like I wasn’t lonely. It became a weekly thing then. We’d come together after our individual busy schedule, seat in our dark apartment and lay out our worries. The members grew closer if that was even possible and I felt lighter without starving myself. It felt like such a miracle. If only you could feel it.

Of course, during that month, I was closely monitored. Siwon introduced to me a very patient and nice doctor and therapist and I’d meet him twice every week. The members took turns going with me and made me feel comfortable and if I told them that I didn’t want to answer a certain question or do anything, they’d patiently help me through it or tell the doctor that I really was uncomfortable with it. The members monitored my diet and weight closely and whenever I wanted to use the bathroom, they made sure that I wouldn’t spend more than five minutes in the toilet. Of course, I snuck around a lot to throw up whatever I ate in the first few weeks but I completely stopped after an incident that made me realized how I wasn’t only hurting myself but I was hurting the people who loved me even more.

It was our third or fourth win for Mamacita. I couldn’t remember exactly which. But I remembered how we were all excited and so happy when we found the news. We went to a nearby Chinese restaurant and celebrated and ordered lots of food. I ate a lot and one of the waitress suddenly came up to us to ask us how the food was. She then pointed at me and a few other members and told us that we ate really well and said that she found me cute with a little more weight. That was when it hit me that I was gaining weight and I suddenly got scared. Of course, after a few minutes, I snuck out to the bathroom and did what I had to do.

A knock on the bathroom door came ten minutes later. I stopped what I was doing and froze when I heard sniffles coming from outside my door.

“Ryeowook.”

It was Donghae. I didn’t why but I didn’t say anything. I stood in the cubicle frozen, staring at the door as if I could see Donghae through the door. I could hear the pain in his voice and the image of my disappointed hyung’s face stayed etched in my mind.

“It hurts.” Donghae said quietly. “It hurts us more than it hurts you.”

“Please stop.”

Donghae was crying. I could hear his sniffles and how shaky his voice and breathing was. I leaned against the door and I could imagine my hyung leaning on the other side of the door, his eyes red while his tears flowed uncontrollably. It’s painful. It’s painful to hear my hyung sobbing. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to. I would die if I went out and saw how Donghae was crying. And that was when I realized that …. I wasn’t only hurting myself. I was hurting Donghae, I was hurting Leeteuk, I was hurting all the people around me that loved me and cared for me. I wasn’t only trying to kill myself. I was also killing my members.

After that little heart breaking little incident, I stopped shoving my fingers down my throat. I still feared eating and gaining weight but slowly, my members helped me overcome my fears. They were so patient and never once did they snap or gave up on me. Because of how I truly appreciated and was thankful of all their efforts, I made a promise to myself to recover fast. And I did. It took me around two months to finally get myself all healed up psychically and well.... I wasn’t sure if I was emotionally healed but… I was getting there. I know I was. The members were still unaware about my little meet up with the CEO. I was afraid of telling them, afraid that they’d make a scene at SM or… Or that they would agree with the CEO. Perhaps, deep deep inside, I still had doubts of myself and allowed my insecurities to linger around whenever I thought I was doing well.

The CEO left me an email asking me to meet him next week. I replied him an OK but truthfully, I was dying inside. Did I do something wrong? Was I going to get scolded again? So many different negative thoughts lingered in my mind and all of them made my stomach churn. I wanted to run to the nearest bathroom and shoved my fingers down my throat so badly but I squeezed my eyes and thought of my members, of Donghae crying and I shook my head. I couldn’t go back. No, not for the members. And the members had sacrificed so much just for me, I didn’t want to burden them more by telling them about the CEO.

“Hey Wookie, you ready to go?”

Leetek’s voice startled me and I spun around to his dimples greeting me. I smile back at him and nod following behind him. I don’t know where we are going but he keeps repeating that he has a surprise for me and I wonder what this is all about. We get into his car and he starts driving towards our apartment.

“Because you’re doing so well, Wook, this will be our last therapy for you.” Leeteuk said.

I chuckled. “So what’s the name of today’s session?”

Leeteuk and all the other members comes up with the craziest and weirdest names for my “therapy sessions” with them. We once had a “Go Bananas” session where Eunhyuk and Donghae turned our dance practise room to a club and made us dance like monkeys for hours after I told them I was worried about ga