Tao tries to resting his body, closing his eyes to lead him into the night sleep. Turning his body right and left, hugging his pillow comfortably, pulling up his blanket to cover his body from the night shiver, all things he does to accompany his night but nothing can help him for good. His eyes object his will to close down and let his night life to end.

Finally after nothing he can do anymore, Tao gives up and lets himself to stare long into his night sky looking window. It’s dark yet the stars are the only things giving out a sign of living on the dead looking sky. At his spacious bedroom, only him alone. The other occupant that should be there with him sleeps somewhere else he doesn’t know. The silence and small bed lamp are the only things with him.

Out of nowhere, suddenly Tao’s eyes play with his conscience, because it’s definitely impossible to see what his eyes saw right now. There’s no way. It’s just his hallucination. Tao is sure about that but his heart refuses to acknowledge it.

His eyes look for a broad shoulder with brownish blonde hair present in front of his eyes. The figure is taller than him, sleeping while giving his back to Tao and he doesn’t move a little bit. Tao’s longing eyes concentrates full enough to the man’s back until even his body sensory nerve must be foul him too. His fingertips move to touch the back and weirdly it feels like surreal. The back is warm and just like what he always feel all the time before.

The sensation pushes his braveness more to touch fully his palm to the back. He misses it a lot, not just the back, but as the full person. He longs to see this person so much.

Tao’s eyes blurred with tears and his palm rubs slowly the back’s figure.

“Kris..” He speaks in a low level of voice yet shaking because he’s in the verge of crying.

Tao’s hand stops on Kris’ top shoulder. He’s tired. He wants to lean down. He wants to stop pretending. He wants to tear down his ‘I’m okay’ mask. He can’t hold it anymore after seeing the one he wants to see the most. The one easing him most of the time, the one who always be there for him. The place where he would be comforted. And at last, Tao lands his head to the back in front of him, looking for strength.

“Kris..” He said again with more broken voice.

How much he wants that hallucination of his become the reality. How much he wants to see that person. How much Tao wants to finally come back in that arms, circled in the warmth of those strong arms, hugs him close and never let go of him again no matter what reason he might had for him. Closing his eyes, Tao only remembers the hurt face Kris showed him one week ago. While went away without looking back at Tao, the last expression he saw is hurt. He, Tao, already hurting the one he loves the most. The one he treasures the most.

Tears flow down wetting Tao’s cheeks and he covers it, like never wants to let Kris saw his weakness. He never wants to burden Kris more. He wants Kris to be happy, to live with ease, and Tao wants to lighten the burden if the man even had one. What Tao’s aiming is Kris’ happy life, Kris’ well-being, everything Kris should only get is to be happy. Kris had enough, he suffered so much already, for Tao, or even for himself. Tao knows Kris already trying hard for him and Tao hopes he can be the solution, not adding more scar and hurt to Kris.

“I’m.. sorry Kris..”

The back he’s leaning to isn’t moving at all. Yeah, because it’s his hallucination, the things that never even exist there. How could it move? How can it reply his words? Tao knows but refuse to acknowledge it. His heart refuses.

“Come back please..” His palm grasps harder, his eyes now is close down. “I.. I can’t without you.” He confesses to no one, but he feels as if Kris is there, in front of him.

The salt water from his brownish orbs flow more. The silent he kept for a while looks like punching his sense to come back. The warm touch on his fingertips slowly goes down by a few degrees. The place he leans down to did the same to his skin. Slowly the Kris in front of him, on his bed, is gone.

Tao’s crying becomes harder, and when the hallucination of Kris is completely gone from his hands he can’t held up his heart again. The rain on him flow down and flooding his face. He did wrong, he didn’t had much courage to stand for Kris. When people accuse Kris for the reason of Tao’s change, his lips refuse to open and torts back. Something sealed his own voice, what is it? Tao’s heart knows Kris is not the one in mistake. If people calling their love is a mistake, then Tao is also in wrong. But people only look down on Kris. Because Kris is just an orphanage boy? Because Kris is far less rich than his family? Because Kris had nothing to be offered to his family?

That’s the biggest bull he will ever acknowledge.

For Tao, Kris has everything. Kris’ heart is sincere. Kris doesn’t measure him from wealth, or from his family status, or his popularity on college. They met without knowing who the other is at first but at last they love each other. Tao knows he’s not perfect, but he knows Kris loves his slacking side too. Kris accepts every of Tao’s short coming and tantrums. Kris never complaints even Tao made him to wait for 2 hours for their first date.