I was holding a hand but was I really? I saw nothing around me and the face of the person who held my hand wasn’t what I noticed. He was there but why did my eyes only go towards her? Was it that infectious smile or her unique laugh? I wasn’t sure why but I knew it was only her who captivated my gaze at this moment.

I watched from afar as her laughter ringed in my ears. Words couldn’t even describe how much I wanted to be the one to make her laugh, make her smile, make her happy. Unfortunately, I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me. College just started and friendships were yet to be established but I knew at the moment our eyes met, she and I would be together eventually.

A strong and warm hand slipped into mine, “Jessy do you want to go get ice cream after this?”

I looked up into the calm and assured eyes of my boyfriend, “it is hot isn’t it?” He was gentle and caring. Maybe that is why I feel for him high school and started dating him shortly before coming to college.

My boyfriend and I went to the cafeteria to find the shop to eat ice cream. We were like any other couple. We held hands, we gave each other a short peck on the lips to greet and say good bye so it was natural for us to share a taste of each other’s ice cream. It was wonderful to have him around. I was sure that I was falling for him.

After a while, my boyfriend and I split ways because he had things to do so I decided to go to the school courtyard and enjoy the summer weather. I was walking when my eyes spotted her. You could say it was a picture perfect moment with her hair slightly blowing in the wind while the sun brightened up her white skin. My legs moved without instruction towards her because without thinking, every fiber of my being knew I wanted to be next to her.

She didn’t even see me approach as she was immersed in her book, “The Catcher and the Rye...a little melancholic if you ask me.” Not the best conversation starter but that is what I thought of when I read the book title. Why she was reading such a complex book made me curious. People who find enjoyment out of books such as these are either English majors, someone who is depressed, or someone who has very deep thoughts. Well that was my opinion.

Our eyes met for the second time…it was then that she was the last of the three. How could I tell? Well…doesn’t your heart just know?

“Umm sorry I was prying. My name is Jessica by the way. I saw you at orientation.” I am not sure why but that makes me seem like some crazy stalker.

“Kim Taeyeon.” I felt all my anxiety fade when she said her name. It wasn’t a name that was special or anything like that, but the fact that she didn’t just run up and leave because I was definitely being a bit stalkerish today.

“Oh...I didn’t even ask. I am sorry if I was bothering you while you read and all. I was just happy to see a familiar face.” The anxiety I felt returned but quickly faded when she cutely stammered through her next lines.

“No! I mean I saw you too. I mean you are not bothering me at all. Just casual reading.” Makes me think that we were both nervous. Nervous for what reasons would remain unanswered as we started a conversation about books. It wasn’t like I was interested in reading all that much but any conversation with her made it seem like it was only us two in this world, and a feeling like that is wonderful.

When did it all change? It wasn’t a sudden change. Like everything in the world, things happen gradually until you look back and say ‘something has changed!’ So it would be, when did I notice the change? I noticed when my eyes no longer searched for his, when his touch didn’t make me shiver, when my heart was calm, when she was the only one I wanted there.

She and I were best of friends by the time our second year of university happened. This night was nothing special. I had freedom from my boyfriend for the night and I had mixed feelings to why I was so happy for that fact. I could brush it off as I get to spend quality time with my best friend or I like having my individuality, but both of those seemed wrong to do. My heart knew the answer but why didn’t my actions reflect what my heart knew?

“Taeyeon…”

She looked away from the TV with a glare that pierced my heart, “Do you think when something bad happens, there will always be a silver lining?”

She leaned back on the couch while her eyes stared off into space. Only when she was looked off blankly, did I know that she was seriously thinking about something. “Probably. I mean even in death we could make the plants grow.” I leaned back and smiled knowing Taeyeon would always be my silver lining.

When college finished, I panicked. I was still with him when I no longer loved him and she would be gone. Many times I thought of breaking up with my boyfriend at this time but then I thought about certain expectations I had to hold. I was supposed to be with a boy, I was supposed to get married in my twenties, I was supposed to make children, but none of these meant I should be in love. Was I expected to love? If it was like this, then I was living life correctly.

“Happy Anniversary!” I watched as the candles were blown out while he still stood proudly next to me. All I could do was smile seeing the loving couple in front of me. I reached down and gave a kiss on the cheek to both my mom and dad, “Congrats on 25 years together!”

My mom engulfed me into a big hug, “thank you for being here and for finishing school so the bills stop coming.” I playfully slapped my mom’s arm before my boyfriend pulled me aside. I looked back to my mom who just gave me a reassuring smile so I walked away with him.

“Jessica going on 5 years with you is a miracle in itself but I want to continue to make miracles with you as my wife. Will you marry me?” I looked down at the ring and looked at the person who wanted to give it to me. I was lost in a paradox. I saw that I should take it but my body felt heavy like it was preventing me. Seeing the people who were watching us, I accepted the proposal with an emptiness in my heart.

I looked at the ring on my finger. Something that should mean a mutual love but why is it on my finger when I didn’t share the same love? I wanted to pull it off as if the love story between him and I would end if I did that but things don’t work out that way. I saw my world turn into one big storm so I called the one person who could make the sun shine through my darkness…my silver lining.

With the same picture I had in my mind of her 4 years ago she walked through that café with the wind slightly blowing her hair while the sunlight made her skin glow. It was like a fog covered everything but her at that moment. She smiled as she sat across from me but I saw her eyes freeze when she looked down at my hands.

After getting her attention again, she finally looked at me in the eyes, “I was paying attention I promise!”

“Yea right you were. What was I telling you then?”

“Boyfriend?”

“Wrong. I was telling you that he isn’t my boyfriend anymore.” I saw her eyes light up although that wasn’t the truth, “Fiancé. He asked me to marry him.” I searched her eyes to see what she thought. I never wanted to tell her those words but I needed to ask her how to break it off. She always helped me formulate my ideas and make sure I made the right decisions. I was sure I needed to break off my engagement but she didn’t leave me time to talk.

“I have to go.”

I stood up in a haste but my feet got caught in the chair and table, “Taeyeon!” I screamed it desperately as my chair fell over but she disappeared. The only person who could help me escape vanished like the other people that I used to see. I was covered in the fog again but had no light.

Seconds without her scent means I don’t smell anything, minutes with her voice means I don’t hear anything, hours without her touch means I feel nothing, days without seeing her means I don’t see anything. Without her, I lose my senses. Nothing makes sense without her. Life is nonsense.

I couldn’t take it any longer so I decided to go to her apartment. She has never ignored me for so long that I had to resort to going to her place uninvited but never before have I seen her just walk away.

After making a scene outside her apartment, I managed to wake her up but she was still reluctant to see me. However I was determined more than ever to have her talk to me so I came into her apartment uninvited. At this point I was thankful that she was still half asleep because she didn’t protest and had nowhere to run to but I was still hesitant of her running away so I put my arms around her after we entered her bed.

“Go home.” Those words pierced my heart hearing that but words were not going to make me leave. If they did, then I wouldn’t be here with her right now.

“No.”

“Jessica go home.”

“Not till you tell me why you left me at the restaurant. Did something happen? I know we haven’t kept in contact as much but I really wanted to see you.”

“Nothing happened. I...I just...” She was lying to me again. Even with her eyes closed, I could see her eyes shifting and searching for an answer.

“Taeyeon please tell me why you ran out.”

“I don’t think you want to hear my answer.” This girl has to be kidding me. Coming to her apartment early in the morning didn’t show her how desperate I was for an answer?

I wanted to reassure her so I tightened my hold on her. “You can tell me anything.”

“Not everything...”

“I want to be here for you Taeyeon.” Not having you by my side is painful… “Can’t you see that I…” love “…care for you a lot?”

“I can’t be there for you Jessica.” And the knife goes into my heart again. It was so painful how many times she could just stab me. So painful that the tears came. It hurt so much how she could just disregard me when all I wanted to do was keep holding her until my arms grew numb and tired.

“Pabo.”

“I am sorry.” Do those words mean you will stay? “How can I make it up to you?”

“Don’t leave me. Be there for me. Why can’t you just do that?”

“Because...he will be there for you instead.” Then why am I not with him now?

“I want you more than him.”

“You don’t mean that. You love him. You are going to marry him and have a beautiful life together!” Does she also expect that from me?

“How is that happiness when I don’t have you to share it with?”

“I am not your only friend.”

“But you are the only friend that matters.”

“But I am not the only person that matters to you.” Yes you are.

“Am I the only person that matters to you?”

“No...” My heart dropped. What did I see the last 4 years together? Her eyes never lied. When I was with him, I saw her looking at me. I saw her eyes say she wanted me, I saw her eyes say she missed me, I saw her eyes say I love you. Did she not see my eyes replying ‘me too…’?

“Have you ever had a feeling when you were in a crowd of people and all you could see was one person? In a sea of people, your eyes just saw that one person?”

“Of course. Isn’t that love?” Then are you blinded by love like me?

“Taeyeon you are my person in that sea of people. I can’t see without you. I need to see you.”

“I will always have my eyes on you...you don’t need to go searching for me. You don’t need to see me.” But how can I see without my light?

“I don’t need to but I have an utter desperation to want to.”

“Can you see him?”

“No.”

She looked into my eyes with her soul, “Then I am here. I will be here always watching you, but I want your eyes to be the only one watching me.”

I looked back with the same eagerness, “From the beginning they always were.” I leaned towards her and placed my lips on hers. It was then that the dark room became brighter than the shining sun because there is no darkness that could cloud my love for her.

~END~

Author's Note

The sequel I promised ^^. The repetitiveness was on purpose. Kind of had the same writing style as My Dream is to Be With You and I Wish You Would Dream of Me (some of my first works I put on AFF), but I think my writing improved since I wrote those.

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