“Taeyeon...Tae! Taengoo!!!” My eyes lifted to meet hers. “Ah you are there! What were you thinking of??”

You...but I can’t tell her that. “Nothing in particular.”

Her eyebrows scrunched. It was cute but it also meant that she was thinking and doubting my answer. I knew a rebuttal was coming, “You think too much Taengoo.”

I chuckled. I hate that side of me too. My thoughts never brought me happiness because they were full of what-ifs. Like what if she loved me instead of him? What if I took her hand? Would she like that? What if she thought of me more than a friend one day? What would I do...or we do together? However, all these what-ifs come to a crashing end when I see that ring on her finger. That one material possession that signifies a mutual love to another.

That makes me come to the next set of what-ifs. What if I just walk away? Why haven’t I walked away yet? Why do I keep watching? A complicated question with a simple answer...it is because I love her.

Some people may perceive love as a story. To have a story you must have many ups and downs but I never thought of love as that since my love never had any ups. My love started with a downward spiral so how can that make a story? However, I know a story of longing. One where the longing of love leaves one person without love.

The story begins like all other stories should: the first meeting. At the young and spry age of 18 I worked at an amusement park in the games area. Sure I saw many couples together but at this point I never experienced love so I was never the one to long for such feelings or get jealous of those who acted affectionate in front of me. Up to this point my life was good, no great in fact. I was able to interact with kids and see the joy in the eyes of many people’s faces when they conquered the difficulty of the games at hand.

Saturday. It was a Saturday that her golden hair moved my gaze. My eyes followed her as if my heart told my brain to move my eyes towards her. All thoughts of what I was doing before vanished, maybe time did stop but she was still moving so that couldn’t be possible. However, reality crashed down on me when I saw her hands link with a handsome young boy. I could hear sounds again and saw the people shoving money in my face. Reality was there. She was taken and I had customers. I had to forget her at this point but life is cruel.

The second time I met her was a few weeks later. By this point, I hated seeing couples. Work was not full of rainbows and butterflies anymore. I was always unhappy at work and life made me bitter. I didn’t even know the girl but she made my life miserable. At this point, I wanted summer to end so I could escape this job and the possibility of seeing her around here with him...

College is the best years of your life as many people say. I was hoping for the same as I was ready to make new friends and possibly find the love of my life. The new challenges that I would be facing were exciting.

Since the school year just started, the warm summer weather hugged my body while I enjoyed the sun’s rays on the bench in the school courtyard. “The Catcher and the Rye...a little melancholic if you ask me.” My eyes went from the words to my book up to her eyes. They glistened on her perfect face that was glowing in the sun. I was at a loss for words but she seemed to want to continue a conversation with me. “Umm sorry I was prying. My name is Jessica by the way. I saw you at orientation.”

I looked at her with curious eyes, “Kim Taeyeon.”

She smiled, “Oh...I didn’t even ask. I am sorry if I was bothering you while you read and all. I was just happy to see a familiar face.”

My brain wasn’t really functioning well. I was still caught up on the fact that she was watching me too. I didn’t want her to leave yet so I cut off my thoughts, “No! I mean I saw you too. I mean you are not bothering me at all. Just casual reading.” My face was burning. I knew everything I just said was just short of a love confession and didn’t make any sense.

A small laugh escaped , “It is okay Taeyeon. So why are you reading such a depressing book for fun?”

Was this book really that depressing? I picked it up because the character’s feelings were raw and undefined. “No particular reason.”

She leaned back on the bench for more comfort, “Ah well it is a classic. Next time you should read something a bit more upbeat.”

I closed my book carefully and placed it in my bag, “Any recommendations?”

“Humm for a classic? Most classic fiction is pretty depressing.” We both laughed thinking of books that were considered classics. A classic book means for it to be recommended by many people for the writing style and moving story lines. Yet all these books were lined with tragedy and weathered characters. Maybe these types of books were considered classics because they reflect real life better. Life was not meant to be full of happiness and straightforward decisions. I guess I was living life correctly.

Life is full of choices. Choosing her friendship might have been the worst mistake I made in life. I was already in love with her and having her around me more made the feelings grow stronger. Also, as a friend, I had the pleasure of hearing about him constantly. I knew she was in love...with him. Living in the constant realization that she will never love you the way you love her, made my college years full of anguish.

I saw everything because I was her best friend. I was saw everything because she had nothing to hide. I saw everything because my eyes were always looking for her.

She was there with him holding hands. She was there with him in his embrace. She was there with him while they kissed. I was there with a broken heart.

College came and went. She dated the same guy the whole time. They were high school sweethearts. The length of time they spent together now would make anyone guess the next step for them is marriage. Now that college was done, I had a pit in my stomach thinking the same thing. I was starting to live in constant fear that he would propose the question to her soon and an increasing fear that she would accept.

Life after college was becoming enjoyable. At first it was hard not being around her constantly because I loved every second I had with her. Yet, I was glad not to see her as often because she was often with him.

“Taengoo! Seriously why do I even try talking to you when you never pay attention to me?!”

Reality. I was back to reality. “I was paying attention I promise!”

“Yea right you were. What was I telling you then?”

“Boyfriend?”

“Wrong. I was telling you that he isn’t my boyfriend anymore.” Happy...no ecstatic! I have been wanting to hear those words as long as I knew her, “Fiancé. He asked me to marry him.” Nope. Hurt, pain, utter agony while my heart was shredded...no my heart was annihilated. Existence? I really didn’t feel like I was there anymore. Without a heart, how can one live?

I stood up as my tears threatened to fall. No they were not tears of joy as a friend should shed in times of happiness like these. These tears were of sadness because that is what happens when you are in love with your friend. “I have to go.”

“Taeyeon!” I heard her chair fall over as she must have stood up. As if her yelling at me would make me stop. I was determined to get out of there. Her face and the view of that ring on her finger was it. I had to stop looking. I had to get away.

A few days passed since she told me the news. 17. The number of calls she sent me. 28. The number of texts she sent me. 0. The number of replies I gave her.

It was early morning and there was a fierce knocking on my door. Not thinking straight I toppled out of my bed and slugged towards the door. It could have been an ax murderer on the other side and I would have been stupid enough to open the door since my brain doesn’t function this early. With my eyes half open I saw a fuzzy figure, “yea?”

“Yea? Really Kim Taeyeon?! I just get a yea after all the messages I sent you?” That voice was sharp and demanding. My eyes opened wider as I saw her on the other side of the door. She followed me! I was awake! I slightly panicked and tried closing the door in her face but she caught it with her foot and forced her way in. “What is wrong with you?” Her voice sounded calmer but she still sounded very demanding. I looked around as if I could find a place to hide in my own house while she was in front of me. Man I think of stupid things to do when I am in a situation with no escape.

“Nothing is wrong. I was sleeping.”

Her eyes. I saw worry? No maybe it was longing? Somehow the look made me feel very guilty for ignoring her the past few days. I mean we are friends. I must have hurt her when I did that, “Taeyeon did you know that your eyes shift when you are lying?”

How did she know that! I only heard things like that from my parents. “Umm...I was really sleeping.”

She smiled and ruffled my hair, “I know how messy you can be in the morning.”

Small acts of affection like these make my heart flutter...wait...my heart needs to stop all this fluttering. I can’t love her. “Can I go back to bed?”

She took off her shoes like I gave her permission to stay, “Can I join you?”

It was...4am. How can I kick her out? Although, shoving her out the door sounded tempting. “Do what you like...” I shuffled back to my bedroom leaving her at the doorway. I didn’t care. I just wanted to sleep and think this was all a dream in the morning. After I slipped under the covers, I felt another weight on the bed and a new warmth on my left side. “Go home.”

That comment didn’t work since she moved closer and put her arms around me, “No.”

I felt her tighten her hold on me which was not helping. Of course all this felt amazing and I would kill to stay in this position with her the rest of my life but this was temporary. She was only giving me affection so I wouldn’t be mad at her, but she doesn’t know how this really makes me feel. “Jessica go home.”

“Not till you tell me why you left me at the restaurant. Did something happen? I know we haven’t kept in contact as much but I really wanted to see you.”

I wanted to see you too. “Nothing happened. I...I just...”

“Taeyeon please tell me why you ran out.”

I turned my back to her and shut my eyes tightly, “I don’t think you want to hear my answer.”

Oh god my insides were going crazy as she pressed herself on me and tightened her hold on my waist. I am pretty sure she wants to kill me because right now I am having so much trouble keeping my emotions at bay, “You can tell me anything.”

“Not everything...”

Yep my emotions were about to win as she nuzzled her face in the back of my head, “I want to be here for you Taeyeon. Can’t you see that I care for you a lot?”

I know! I know! Now stop touching me before I do something we will both regret! “I can’t be there for you Jessica.”

I felt a wetness on my neck. I turned to face her out of panic. I saw her crying so I lifted my hand to wipe her tears away, but she started shaking violently while she went to cry into my shoulder. “Why are you crying?” There was no answer so I started to her hair, “did he hurt you?” I felt her shake her head ‘no.’ “Umm okay. Did I hurt you?”

“Pabo.” It was muffled but I heard her loud and clear. Hurting the one you love is an awful feeling yet I did it. I ended up hurting her.

“I am sorry.” I never meant to make her cry. “How can I make it up to you?”

She looked up at me with those eyes. Those eyes were so beautiful even when stained with tears, “Don’t leave me. Be there for me. Why can’t you just do that?”

Simple. I love you. I can’t be there anymore while you are with him. I can’t watch you enjoy your life with him. I can’t watch while you smile at him. I can’t watch you be in love with anyone else but me. “Because...he will be there for you instead.”

“I want you more than him.”

“Huh?!” Confusion. Utter confusion! “You don’t mean that. You love him. You are going to marry him and have a beautiful life together!”

“How is that happiness when I don’t have you to share it with?” I think she is missing the whole point that I don’t want to see that. That seeing that makes my life miserable.

“I am not your only friend.”

“But you are the only friend that matters.”

“But I am not the only person that matters to you.”

“Am I the only person that matters to you?”

Does it make me sound lonely and desperate when I say that she is the only one that ever mattered to me? I would sound a bit pathetic if I say that right? “No...”

She sighed, “I guess I was the only one feeling that...”

I looked at her closely, “feeling what?”

“It is nothing. Just my imagination I guess.”

“Imagining what?”

“Have you ever had a feeling when you were in a crowd of people and all you could see was one person? In a sea of people, your eyes just saw that one person?”

Like right now... “Of course. Isn’t that love?”

“Taeyeon you are my person in that sea of people. I can’t see without you. I need to see you.”

“I will always have my eyes on you...you don’t need to go searching for me. You don’t need to see me.”

Like our eyes were locked on each other, we never broke our gaze. “I don’t need to but I have an utter desperation to want to.”

“Can you see him?”

“No,” she said that with so much certainty.

“Then I am here. I will be here always watching you, but I want your eyes to be the only one watching me.”

“From the beginning they always were.”

I am making a new choice. A choice to start a love story. 

~END~

**Or Sequel: I Am Closely Watching**