— Radio Silence —

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Sup
Date: September 12, 2005

Hey,

Took me a while to track down your new e-mail address... I tried sending to the personal one I knew for a while, but you never replied. It's okay, just ignore those. I just wanted to know what your mailing address is. I need to send something. Let me know soon, okay?

Lots of love,

Changmin

P.S.: Hope you're doing fine.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Sup
Date: September 19, 2005

659 Myeondeok Street, Namsan 4 District, South Korea. Send to room 12, floor 14. This is my work address.

Regards,

Im Yoona
Columnist, Simple Life Magazine

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Sup
Date: September 19, 2005

Haha, you don't have a home address?

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Address
Date: September 23, 2005

Hello,

You emailed me at my work address. I answered you accordingly.

Regards,

Im Yoona
Columnist, Simple Life Magazine

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Address
Date: September 23, 2005

Alright, I sent you something. Tell me when you receive it!

It's nice hearing from you after a long time. I read your magazine sometimes.

I hope you're doing well.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject:
Date: September 23, 2005

Good day,

Unfortunately, I am out of office from the 23rd to the 31st. I will get back to you as soon as possible.

If you are need of immediate assistance in regards to anything related to our magazine, Simple Life, you may contact our Chief Editor, Kim Heechul at [email protected] or you may reach him at (999) 891-9181.

Thank you,

Im Yoona
Columnist, Simple Life Magazine

She never gets back to him, but he expected that much. At least she's in the country, he shrugs. He smiles to himself because he always thought she would be anywhere but here.

"How was Nepal?" Sooyoung asks when she sees Yoona come through the door. "Was it hot?"

"Yeah," Yoona jeers, pulling off her trenchcoat. "But it was worth it. I got a lot of work done. Though the research team there wasn't incredibly helpful..."

"Aw well, all is good as long as you got to see what you needed to see and as long as you can come up with something good to make up for the lack of interesting articles we've been coming up with lately," Sooyoung laughs from her desk, sipping her espresso delicately.

"Of course, put all the pressure on me," Yoona rolls her eyes.

"Haha, I don't think I missed your sarcasm," Sooyoung hisses.

"But you were obviously beyond bored without me around," Yoona grins. "I land and suddenly my phone gets reception and starts buzzing like crazy with new texts... 106 unread... Really?"

"Oh c'mon you know I need a buddy to keep me awake," Sooyoung glowers. "The coffee isn't doing its job anymore."

Yoona chuckles, dropping her umbrella in a bucket near the entrance. "No one called for me, right?" Yoona asks. From her desk, Sooyoung shakes her head slowly, too focused on searching up energy drinks to glance over. "Okay..." Yoona mutters, walking by a few other workers before plopping down onto her cushiony seat and letting out a big huff.

She's about to reach over to revive her PC when her hand grazes by a messy package sprawled across some of her papers. She recognizes Changmin's name written in familiar penmanship on the back, and it takes her two minutes before she's searching up his address and rolling her eyes because he still lives in the same neighbourhood.

It's nothing elaborate when she gently peels the tape apart and pulls out just an ornate envelope with her name on it. It's crisp and baby blue, simple calligraphy decorating the card inside.

She flips it open, sees a name that is barely a fragment of a memory in the deepest part of her mind and reads through it, once, twice, too many times. She drops it when she realizes her fingers are shaking, heaving painfully at the pounding of reality.

You are cordially invited to the auspicious event of Shim Changmin and Song Qian's marriage.

"You should RSVP," Sooyoung notes, staring at the card curled up at the corner of Yoona's desk. "You know... not to be rude and stuff."

"Yeah..." Yoona murmurs (anything to be left alone, she thinks). Sooyoung is the type who gets the hint. She doesn't hover too long usually, asks if everything is okay before backing off. But she lingers today, and Yoona wonders if it's because Sooyoung's heard her of her losses over late night drinks over and over and knows how much this much hurt.

"Aren't you going home today?" she asks when she's picking up her umbrella and sees Yoona still staring aimlessly at her screen.

"I think I'll work late," Yoona calls out, not looking over. She hears a goodbye and the sounds of footsteps fading into the distance. It's quiet and she thinks maybe the sound of the other office workers was more comforting than the silence that numbs her mind now. Suddenly there is nothing to distract her from the thoughts in her mind and she wonders if going home with Sooyoung would've been a better choice.

How is he getting married? It's not like Qian was that unfamiliar of a name. She'd heard through friends that Changmin was seeing someone, and she supposes that back then it hadn't seemed so surreal. He moved on. So what? Didn't she expect that much?

But suddenly there is more to know than she wants to and she realizes that even though she's vaguely kept up with him over the past years (social networking and whatnot)... she actually hasn't. And the moment of anger in the pit of her stomach is accusatory because Changmin was always the one who initiated things, why didn't he call earlier, why didn't he ask her opinion for anything, why didn't he reach out sooner?

She guesses that maybe she always thought breakups would be easier, that she would be the one cutting things off, that she would be the one who would be happy in the end, that maybe they'd connect often enough to stay friends. But they didn't and she frowns because she realizes she's already logging into her ancient Facebook account, her fingers moving mechanically as she searches his name.

She wishes she hadn't...

His profile is cluttered with pictures with her, of them hugging at a picnic, of them holding hands on a date, of them kissing under the starlit sky. Some photos are old; she recognizes them as the first days of dating. Most of them are new, things she doesn't remember seeing because she hasn't really been online in a while.

Second year anniversary! I love you Song Qian.

Dinner date with my queen.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

She scrolls through years of his life in under an hour, pausing on all the pictures of places she recognizes. You took me there once on a date, she glowers at the monitor. And it's only when she stumbles upon her own feed, discoloured with only a few pictures of her first (and only) days of interest in Facebook, she realizes how sad she is.

Hiking. The weather is nice out and the world is just a decorated canvas waiting to be explored.

Nothing more interesting than finding a strange flower here and there.

She is smiling next to mountains, she is smiling in the Sahara, she is smiling meeting important people. Everything is captioned with long sentences of information that she realizes never really mattered. Because even though she was distracting herself from the deep distress in her heart, she wasn't exactly happy. And only now, as she sees what happiness must look like in Changmin's life, she realizes that maybe she only ever posted those few photos to make herself feel better about herself, maybe she got over social networking so quickly because she just couldn't stand seeing everyone else living life the way they always wanted to.

She wrinkles her nose. Why is Changmin wearing green. He never liked green. (Gift from my leading lady, it says next to the picture). Why is Changmin buying those chocolates... He said they were overrated. Why is Changmin taking her to see that movie. He doesn't like romcoms.

It goes on until she realizes she's crying and it hits her kind of sadly that maybe she did want a life with traveling and adventure. But maybe she wanted that life with him. And as she deletes the few things on her profile, she wonders if the portrait of her life will ever look as complete as his. Because in his pictures at least he's not alone.

"Are you okay with vanilla for the cake?" Qian asks over the counter, handing him a cup of cocoa and then settling down next to him. He doesn't respond, simply stares emptily out the nearby window. "What's wrong?" she coos, running her hand through his hair softly.

"Hm?" Changmin glances over at her. "Nothing, just thinking."

"Ah, I see," she nods knowingly. "Yoona didn't reply?"

"Nope," he sighs. "I'd ask someone for her number but I'm at the point where I guess I realize she probably doesn't really want to see me."

"I don't think that's it," she murmurs, reaching for his hand and tying her fingers into his. "I think everyone needs space, but she's known you since you were kids. I doubt she'd miss your big day."

"That's wishful thinking," Changmin huffs. "She'd probably come up with a good excuse too. Something about being abroad studying some new culture in Africa that's inherently important for her magazine."

"Oh don't be so sour," Qian rolls her eyes, but there is sadness in his eyes and her features soften as she leans closer to him. "Changmin?"

"Yeah?"

She stares at him for a moment before smiling. "What bothers you more? The fact that you think your best friend has blacklisted you from her life or the fact that you can't come to terms with the fact that maybe you're the one who pushed her out in the first place?"

"I didn't–"

"Shh," she presses her index finger to his mouth. "You need to stop feeling selfish for letting go when you knew there couldn't be compromise in that relationship. You tried to keep in touch, you tried to keep her in your life, you tried to connect with her as a friend, but it's not your fault if she didn't respond the way you wanted."

"It is my fault that she wants to stay away though."

Qian her head to the side. "How do you know she wants to stay away?"

"I–"

"You're assuming."

"I'm being logical."

She laughs. "Think of it this way... You have a case, you might know for sure that you're fighting for a lost cause but you fight nonetheless. You'd look at any reasonable answer that would make your case more plausible, right? So I wonder, where is that man I know? The man who wouldn't look at the story, but what's between the lines... the man who would find any substantial reason to justify optimism, to believe that what's between you and Yoona now isn't just distance, but something deeper... the man I'm going to marry in two months, where is he?"

He stare