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The Manual – Eddy Kim

                Luhan can’t help but feel blessed as he wakes up every morning next to the most perfect being in the world. Who else would deal with Luhan through 4 years of high school, and continue the pattern through college? Looking at the wonderfully plush face that’s rested on his arm (that may or may not be numb), he smiles. And when Minseok’s eyes bat open and he lets out the most adorable yawn, Luhan can’t help but hug the small man.

                “Why must you hug me so early in the morning?” Minseok’s voice is soft as he slowly wakes up, blinking a few more times.

                “Because you’re so cute in the mornings.” Luhan says, to which Minseok mumbles something very similar to, I’m not cute, and buries his head in Luhan’s arm again. Luhan can just feel the pout that’s forming on Minseok’s lips.

                “But every morning , Lu?”

                “It’s because you’re cute every morning.” Luhan can feel Minseok furrow his eyebrows at the comment, and  a groan escapes his lips. Minseok gets up before Luhan to head to shower, while whispering an, I’m not even that cute, that Luhan hears (but he doubts he was supposed to).

                When Luhan gets out of the shower, there’s already a cup of coffee and a plate of breakfast read for him, a routine Luhan’s gotten used to. Luhan will always go up behind Minseok who is always reading something in the morning, slip an arm around his waist and give him a peck on the cheek. Which will always make Minseok blush, and quickly grumble something along the lines of, Just go eat your breakfast. They’ll sit across the table from each other, and Minseok will look up from whatever he’s reading to look at Luhan. Sometimes Luhan is too busy eating his food to notice it. Other times, he’ll catch Minseok’s gaze, and give Minseok a smile. This usually warrants two actions: Minseok looks back at his book again, or he smiles back (or that one time Minseok bursts out laughing, because Luhan has food stuck in his teeth).

                They go together to campus. But once they have to spilt, Luhan always asks for a goodbye kiss. Minseok’s still embarrassed to show affection in public even though they’ve been dating for three years. Even if it’s a small peck on the lips, Luhan will take what he can get. Then, they’ll part ways until after classes are over.

                Minseok swears he gets glares from the people around the campus. Every morning when Luhan forces a kiss out of him, he feels most of the female population’s (and some male) stare at the back of his head.

                It’s not that Luhan’s athletic or super rich or the smartest person out there. It’s because Minseok’s not the smart one, rich, or athletic one. Most people pining after Luhan feel  like they could be better for him, and Minseok honestly doesn’t disagree with him. Minseok knows that he may not be the skinniest or prettiest, because being so focused in studies, he’s never thought about things like that (well until Luhan and the fangirls arrived). He may have gained more than a few pounds.

                Minseok’s not the smartest apple off the tree either. He may study hard, but even after hours of throwing himself in books, he can only come out with meager test scores. While Luhan excels in all subjects, and he’s multilingual. Plus, Luhan’s dad owns one of the biggest joint country ventures, and so Luhan’s never had to worry about money.

                Minseok pales in comparison to others, and especially Luhan.

                But Minseok wants to keep this, whatever this thing is he has with Luhan, for as long as posssible. So Minseok will try his best to hide all his flaws, and wait for the day Luhan finally realizes he can find someone better than him.

                Minseok wants to believe Luhan when he says, I love you, but Minseok knows that this won’t last very long, and it’s hard to just cut to the impending break up when Luhan sweeps Minseok off his feet. After a particularly bad day at work (because he’s not going to let Luhan pay for everything), Minseok will show up at their apartment completely exhausted. Luhan immediately can tell what the problem is, and what he can do to help it within seconds.

                One night, Minseok has a terrible day with at work (his fellow baristas don’t even know how to make decent coffee it seems), classes were bad after Jongdae spills chocolate milk all over his paper that was due that period, and he just wants to forget the whole day. Luhan coaxes Minseok to go take a shower, and Minseok let’s the hot water soak up his entire being.

                Thirty minutes in, Minseok hears a soft knock on the bathroom door (a signal to finally get out). When he finally get’s out of the shower, he sees the dinner table set with two bottles of soju and bulgogi. Luhan gives Minseok a sympathetic smile, and drags him to the table to lead him into many shots of soju for the night.

                Drunk Minseok talks about anything, and tells Luhan almost everthing.

                Minseok tells Luhan about how much he wants to rip out Jongdae’s hair after the incident, how much he hates training new baristas since half of them aren’t serious enough, he hates how his face is too chubby, he hates wearing shorts since they show his big thighs, and he doesn’t know how Luhan can stay with Minseok when he’s anywhere but perfect. Whenever it comes to the subject of their relationship, Luhan usually stops giving him soju, and ushers him to their bed.

`               After Minseok’s settled in bed, Luhan will crawl in after. He’ll press kisses all over Minseok’s face, whispering words of affection.

                “You’re perfect already.”

                “I like your chubby cheeks.”

                “You already do so much for me.”

                “You’re the perfect size to cuddle with.”

                “I don’t understand why you’re like this.”

                “Goodnight, Minnie.”

                “Thank you for staying with me, Minseok.”

                Minseok always tears up at the last one, because he doesn’t understand. Minseok would never leave Luhan, but Minseok doesn’t think Luhan feels the same. Even as he dozes off to the words of comfort slipping out of Luhan’s mouth.

                It’s always after those nights where Luhan doesn’t know what’s wrong. Minseok always seems to forget what they talk about the night before, and doesn’t seem affected by what he might’ve potentially have said when he was drunk. Luhan never knows where Minseok gets these insecurities from, but if Luhan could kiss them all away, he would.

                Luhan doesn’t understand how Minseok could even think that Luhan would leave him. Minseok thinks that Luhan doesn’t know anything about these insecurities, but Luhan knows too much. It eats Luhan up inside knowing that Minseok doesn’t see himself as Luhan sees Minseok; the most perfect being in the world.

                He wishes he could talk about this with a sober Minseok, but whenever Luhan even mentions something about it, Minseok will evade the conversation completely. He’ll give Luhan a smile that he can tell is completely fake, and tell him that everything is okay.

                Everything is not okay though, as Luhan goes out to a soccer team party (which is nowhere near a small party), and Luhan invites Minseok to go. Minseok just gives his usual decline. Minseok and parties don’t go well together.

                Minseok doesn’t even know how people figure out that he’s not going to the party, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t spread like a wildfire. Minseok can’t even comprehend how that can have any negative connotation to it, but dirty comments are flying across campus the whole day.

                Minseok didn’t want to come to the party, quickly turns into, Minseok was too lame to go to the party. Then it turned into, Luhan was too embarrassed to take Minseok to the party. It might be unreasonable for Minseok to believe these things since he was the only person there for the actual conversation, but he can’t help the words soaking into his being.

                If Luhan really wanted to Minseok to go to the party, he’d try a little harder to get Minseok to go to the party. Maybe he really didn’t want to be with me in a more public gathering than casual dates around the city. Maybe he didn’t want Minseok to be introduced to his other soccer friends. Why would he want me to go just to pale in comparison to Doojoon’s boyfriend, Yoseob, or Minho’s Taemin? They are skinnier and prettier and just everything Minseok wasn’t. It makes Minseok want to go home and through himself a pity party.

                Luhan leaves the party early, after hearing a bunch of things he’d rather not remember. Most of them being about Minseok, and none of the comments were anything friendly or even positive. He’s actually angry as he opens the apartment doors, because how could people even talk about a person like that?

                Luhan (and his temper) aren’t prepared for what he finds inside the doors. Luhan can hear whimpers from their bedroom doors, and Luhan quickens his pace towards the door. His heart shatters as he sees a boy on the bed, curled up in a ball, and trying to stifle his cries. He’s not even surprised when Minseok doesn’t even know that Luhan is standing right there. Luhan softly knocks on the door.

                “Minseok ah.”  Minseok’s eyes dart up to meet Luhan’s, and he hides his face and quickly wipes at his eyes to try to hide the fact he’d been crying. But Luhan has seen it all, and he crawls up into the spot next to Minseok.

                “What’s wrong Minnie?”

                “N-nothing is wrong.” Minseok hiccups as he gives Luhan a smile. The fakest smile he’s seen thus far. Luhan grabs Minseok’s wrist, and leads him out of the house. Minseok looking a bit frazzled.

                “Where are we going Luhan?”

                “Out.” Is all Luhan says.

                Luhan has Minseok lay down on the grass of the park next to him. Luhan is silent as he tries to figure out what he wants to say first.

                “Minseok, what do you think about your looks?” Luhan refuses to look in Minseok’s eyes, because more than likely he’ll convince him through his puppy eyes not to talk about this. It’s time to confront the problem though. Minseok’s voice is shaky as he mutters out his thoughts.

                “Well, I’m not the most attract---.”

                “I think you’re the most beautiful person out there.”

                “What about Victoria, Soojung, or Sooyoung?” Luhan just laughs.
                “Minseok, you seem to forget that I’m gay.”

                “Then what about Zitao, Yixing, and Sehun?” Minseok says more seriously.

                “They’re nothing compared to you.” Minseok scoffs.

                “You and your sweet talking lies.”

                “None of these are lies. Like how I think you’re the most perfect person in the world.”

                “That’s not eve--.”

                “I think you’re the most perfect person in the world, and I don’t understand how you see it. I don’t see how you or anyone else sees it. I see it in the smiles you give me everyday. I see it everytime I wake up in the morning. I see it in my perfectly made coffee. I see it in your adorable cheeks, and the way you cuddle with me. I see the greatest person in the world, and no one else sees it. Not even you.”

                “It’s because I’m no--.”

                “And it makes me sad those nights where you drink and you tell me about everything you don’t like about yourself, and you think I don’t know these things, but I do. And I hate it when it never changes, even I tell you how perfect you are everyday. I hate how you think that I’ll break up with you, because the other way around is probably more likely than that. And I. A-and I.” Luhan stops for a second to breathe.

                “And I want you to believe it too. I want you to realize how beautiful you are, and how perfect you are. How you’re one of the nicest people in the world, and I’m selfish and childish. I’m the one that’s been blessed for these years, and I want this to last as long as possible.” Luhan can’t stop his tears from flowing, and he hopes, really hopes, that Minseok understands. Minseok is just staring at Luhan now, his own eyes tearing up.

                It’s Minseok that ushers both of them, and leads them back on the journey to their home, because it’s later than he thought it was. The reassuring hand on the back of his neck is comforting, and Luhan just wants to cuddle himself closer into Minseok’s embrace. The walk is silent besides the sound of cars passing, and people eating at local stores.

                “Minseok, you know I love you right?” Luhan doesn’t look at him, just listens to Minseok’s breathing stuttering before he lets out a sigh, a content one.

                “Yeah, I think I do.”