The hotel room is dimly lit and quiet, because it’s midnight but mostly because it’s Yongguk’s room. He’s playing a game on his tablet and his earphones are plugged in, not like he would be bothering anyone if they weren’t, but he feels better this way. He’s good at the game, he’s always been good with simulation games. Now he’s managing a farm. Yongguk purchases another cow (a male one this time) and levels up when he successfully mates them. The celebratory music is loud so Yongguk doesn’t hear his door click open.

"Oh dear Lord," Yongguk jumps when he feels his bed dip and he pulls the earphones out. " Himchan how did you get in?"

He shifts closer to the edge to make space for the younger male when he realizes Himchan's hair is a mess and he's wearing his Paisley pajama pants. Himchan only ever wears those when he's feeling . They look like and that's exactly how I feel. Himchan had said that once when he had broken his hand in the midst of promoting for one shot.

"Took one of your key cards when you were too busy playing your game." Himchan spits as Yongguk returns to his game, evidently after losing the willpower to focus on his friend instead of his farm. The game isn't quite as fun without the semi-realistic farm ambience but Yongguk settles. He knows how the game sounds like anyway so he has that to fall back on.

"Having no roommates ." Himchan groans as he rolls closer towards Yongguk before settling flat on his own belly. Yongguk straightens his position and feels a crick in his neck.

"That's not what you said when we were choosing rooms at our dorm."

"I was complaining about you specifically. You don't sleep at all."

"Uh huh. And Jongup sleeps just fine. I know." Yongguk mumbles. It's not that he's sore about it. It's just that he hadn't really expected Himchan to choose anyone but him. Yongguk likes existing within habit and what Himchan did was unusual. Then again it's Jongup and Himchan has a soft spot for his favourite dongsaeng. But somehow that left Yongguk with a little bit of emptiness and it hasn't gone away since.

"Too fine actually. He falls asleep mid-sentence while talking to me."

Yongguk smirks and he isn't too sure if it's because he just picked up a free bottle of potion for quick harvest or because ///see, that’s what you get for straying away from the usual habit.

"So you're here only because Jongup didn't answer the door?"

"I'm here coz I wanna be here. Why do you think I stole your keycard ?" Himchan rolls his eyes and Yongguk laughs. Himchan wriggles and soon his head was on Yongguk's lap. It feels weird and uncomfortable and he's going to get pins and needles in a while but Yongguk doesn't protest so he plays his game over Himchan's forehead. He doesn't tell Himchan to go lie on a pillow instead and he's never actually stopped to wonder why.

"I hope you die in the game.”

Himchan hisses and curls his legs in towards Yongguk's body and Yongguk takes offense.

"You can curse me but don't you diss my cows." He has a four of them now, they're a family and he's very proud.

"Is that what you've been up to all day? Cows?" Himchan asks, incredulous.”

"I've reached level fifteen on my farm. I've been very productive for the past eight hours." Yongguk says as he raises his tablet above his head before Himchan can make a grab at it. The last time Himchan snatched his tablet away to have a try at Yongguk's billionaire mogul game his virtual shares plummeted eighty percent.

"Is there anything you aren't good at?" Himchan sighs and rolls off Yongguk's lap and Yongguk knows exactly where this conversation is headed so he unplugs his headphones, winds them around his tablet and puts it away. There are splotches of black and little squiggly lines floating in his vision and he blinks to get rid of them.

"As far as I can remember I'm not very good at comforting people." Yongguk says. And it's true. Yongguk usually just settles for 'it's okay's and that's about it. He doesn't believe in comfort. He takes on the world, all of it, and lets it devour him whole.

"That you aren't."

Himchan knows because he's been on the receiving end of Yongguk's 'it's okay's lately. But no matter how much he complains to everyone about Yongguk's indifference to every living soul in the planet unqualified to call him daddy, Himchan still gravitates towards him. That's the way it has been since they were trainees. Himchan can't seem to help it and he suspects it's divine punishment for talking too much all the damned time.

"Oh and that time I tried to play the jjangu..."

"Yeah," Himchan laughs breathily, "yeah you ." And Yongguk smiles. It's quiet again and Yongguk places his hands behind his head and drops his weight on the pillows. He studies the ceiling, watching the blinking light of the smoke detector. The room is perfectly still until Yongguk hears his sheets rustle and soon Himchan is flush against his side, face buried in his shirt and Yongguk pulls away in surprise, "what are you doing?" He says and Himchan takes offense at his tone.

"Just pretend you enjoy my company for a while please."

Yongguk drops the left part of his body back onto the bed and sighs. "But I do enjoy your company.”

Himchan scoffs because Yongguk has the intonation of television static and that makes him sound very unconvincing. “No, you think I’m annoying.” Yongguk laughs. It’s true, but he doesn’t mind, really. Himchan buries his head further into Yongguk's side and Yongguk feels Himchan’s breath against the fabric of his shirt. Yongguk thinks Himchan is adorable like this, though he'd never admit it. His hair spilling onto the side of Yongguk's shirt and his voice muffled by the sheets. Yongguk drops his hand awkwardly and starts to ruffle Himchan's already dishevelled hair. The stylists have decided not to cut it and soon it's going to grow to rival yongguk's mop. He doesn't know if he's doing this out of affection or if it's coz Himchan's giving off sad puppy vibes at the moment. He thinks it's a potent mix of both.

"I was really pitchy today wasn't I?"

Oh. Yongguk nearly says. Oh. Because this is what this was all about. Yongguk wants to say 'it's okay' but he doesn't because it's not. Himchan had been particularly off and the company has pulled him aside to let him know just how much it wasn't okay. Yongguk wants to tell him that even Youngjae and Daehyun get pitchy too and they started singing lessons way earlier than Himchan did. But the words don't quite come to Yongguk because he's the leader. He's the one who tells them to concentrate even when they're too tired to function. He's the one who plays the bad guy and sometimes he hates it. So Yongguk just hums a reply and shifts in a little closer to Himchan, threading his fingers gently through his hair, making awkward little scratches on his scalp. He wants Himchan to know he isn't angry. Isn't angry that Himchan had been a little off today, isn't angry that Himchan has been gaining a bit of weight, isn't angry when he misses a beat or two during dance practice. Because Himchan is a little too hard on himself and that's probably the only thing they have in common.

Himchan tilts his head to the side to breathe and his eyes are shut. But Yongguk can see the tears b at the corners of his eyes.

Suddenly a loud trumpeting sound tears through the room and Yongguk winces when Himchan frowns and his whole body just tenses. He swats about for the tablet and mutes it although his crops are ready for harvest and they’ll probably die by the time Yongguk gets back to them.

Yongguk doesn't say anything. He shifts his hand down to Himchan's back and pats him like he would a baby. And Yongguk doesn't know why he's doing this. He tells himself it's because it's Himchan. Himchan who has always been so tactile. Himchan who clings onto Jongup and gives Junhong pats on his still. Himchan who man-handles Youngjae on stage and shoves Daehyun a little too hard when he's not in the mood. Himchan who nudges Yongguk during interviews and occasionally slips into his bed at night and steals the blanket. And Yongguk lets him because he's only ever good at just being there, maybe because Yongguk likes existing around Himchan.

Himchan is a habit that Yongguk can't seem to shake.

And it feels safe.

Yongguk doesn't know why and when he started paying attention. He knows what Himchan's favourite colour is and he knows to leave him alone when he hasn't had enough caffeine in the morning. (He gives Himchan more than half his drink. "Finish it, I don't want it anymore," he tells Himchan. But Yongguk could use a little more caffeine in his system.) He knows it all in his heart even if he doesn’t show it. And he's scared because Himchan knows him better than he knows himself. He knows what to say when Yongguk gets angry, he’s the one that riles Yongguk up in the first place, but somehow he knows how to make Yongguk give in. It's strange.

Yongguk doesn't know why he's doing this. Why he's letting Himchan snuggle up to him and why he's drawing circles into his back gingerly. It isn't something he's had to deal with since young. He figured his voice put people off. He doesn’t have much of a comforting sort of voice, so he's never had to deal with crying or whining. His sister complains to him about ty customers at her tattoo shop occasionally and all Yongguk can offer is a sheepish smile. Because Yongguk loves his silence and Himchan just pushes for more.

And Yongguk just caves.

Yongguk tries to tell himself it’s because he’s the leader, it’s natural instinct, an obligation almost- he’d do it for the other members too. But he can’t seem to imagine letting the others huddling up to him without pushing them away somehow. It’s weird. And it still is but Yongguk lets it happen because Himchan is a firework display, one that breaks his silence in the most beautiful, albeit annoyingly loud, way possible. And no matter how much Yongguk pushes him away, he manages to come back somehow, closer than ever, so Yongguk wishes that he could someday tell Himchan before he gravitates towards someone else and leave him to form new habits amidst changing dynamics. They’re not trainees anymore, they don’t have the whole dorm to themselves and Yongguk finds himself trying too hard to figure out his life, to find himself through his music. Himchan used to tell him that he misses trainee life with Yongguk, that those were the best days. But he doesn’t say it anymore, maybe because they’re too far into the present and it’s no point looking back because Himchan has found new reasons to smile- the dongsaengs teasing him affectionately, fans complimenting his every move, when he’s standing on stage and everything falls in place.

But Himchan is here with him in his Paisley pajama pants and that probably means something.

“Himchan. Are you asleep?” Yongguk peers closer at Himchan’s face. He has been uncharacteristically still.

“No.” He replies with his eyes closed, “so you can’t play your game yet.”

Yongguk chuckles. Smart guy. “Not even thinking about it.” Yongguk lies. He just thought of it. The moment the words left Himchan’s mouth.

“Don’t lie. You’re looking forward to levelling up after I leave.”

“I thought you were going to stay the entire night.” Yongguk says wryly, the corner of his lip pulls up in a self-satisfied smirk and Himchan’s lips quiver. He isn’t quite able to contain the smile that spreads across his whole face, and he gives up squeezing his eyes shut. He opens his eyes and the light seems to have returned and the spark is beautiful. Yongguk smiles at the childish glint.

“I’ll leave if you’re still not asleep by 3.” Himchan says, sure of himself as he sits up and reaches for the television remote.

“I can teach you how to play the game well if you stay past 3.” Yongguk makes Himchan pause at the news channel with a little fussing from the man.

Himchan is reminded of the time when they were trainees and Yongguk had a movie he really wanted to watch. It’s a bad movie, Himchan had said, you’re gonna regret. But Yongguk hadn’t listened. He fell asleep and Himchan had to explain more than half the movie to him. Himchan groans. It’s a bad idea. They both need sleep, they have another show tomorrow. But it’s Yongguk and Himchan knows they’re going to stay up regardless. Yongguk laughs and the headlines loop in the background.

They are quiet for the most part of the night. Yongguk’s farm has trebled the size, he now invests in expensive crops instead of wheat. He has a herd of cows now and a seven figure salary. He no longer feels the satisfaction of levelling up, so he downloads another game. Maybe running an airport would be more of a challenge. And Himchan is talking about how he’s thinking of laying off coffee for a while because it’s a big problem to Himchan and it has been a burden to him for quite a while. But apparently Yongguk doesn’t think so as he grunts a sceptical reply. It’s past 3 in the morning and their minds are bright and eyelids heavy and they don’t mind because Yongguk loves his silence and Himchan allows himself to be wrapped in it. 

this is written in the same arc as curxe -

but can definitely be read independently.

[thanks for all your lovely comments on curxe! have a great mid-week<3]