☀ let's go for a run
☀ℬlue ℱirefly ℛeviews☀ (not accepting requests)
CALLING FOR multi-ulti-23
reviewer: ladylokiofasgard
title: 3/5
the title itself sounds interesting, i could probably click on it since it's the motif of the entire story. but i dislike the way you've formatted it, since it is a song, the quotation marks are fine but please capitalise it! i have this thing against lower case fonts.
appearance/graphics:3/5
Since you don't have a poster but more a photo of a gorgeous baekhyun, i can't say anything about it. i quite like the background image though, it's a nice colour, not too bright and doesn't distract from the story. the font is a nice, clean font, not a weird colour and easy to read so bonus points for that! I do however dislike how you've titled the chapters. Instead of using abbreviations with "5 Y.O" perhaps try using the the full title or just "5 years".
description/foreword:7/10
i think you may have mixed up the description and foreword, the description is a plot summary and the foreword is the extract from the story. if you put an extract in the description and then didn't write anything in the foreword that would be fine but since you didn it makes it a bit obvious. aside from that, the extract sounded sweet despite the slightly archaic language, do people really say "how i wish" anymore? but i'll see if it pops up again, that might be a characterisation problem. the summary was quite sweet, it had me intrigued. Also personally, i have a thing against italicised dialogue unless it's really necessary but since it's only the description, it's cool.
Characterisation:13/20
granted this is a kpop fic so i can't really call you out for charactirising them wrong because if we characterised them according to what we see on tv, then everyone would be sweet and kind. but i felt that eunji and baekhyun fell kind of flat. i couldn't feel any empathy whatsoever for them, they were a bit 2d. so they like to run, anything else? oh and they compete with each other all the time. chanyeol is just their nerdy friend who could not more obviously not belong, the third wheel in this story is really explicit, a bit too explicit. you don't need to write "nerdy glasses" just so show that chanyeol doesn't fit with them, perhaps "thick black-rimmed glasses" would get your point across. so eunji is a pyromaniac? throwing firecrackers into the air seems a bit...unusual. from the way you described that beach scene, it seemed like eunji was literally the girl on fire. i actually quite like the easy going friendship baekhyun and eunji have, i don't like, like i said, how chanyeol clearly doesn't belong, i feel so sorry for him.
plot/originality:24/30
it was a very simplistic plot but simplistic is good. i guess because it was such a short fic, it's pretty original and i can't say much else since all you focused on was running, running where, running for fun. there were a lot of plotholes you didn't address. why were chanyeol, baekhyun and eunji using gambling terms anyway? the foreword mentions that this fic contains gambling terms but for what reason did you put them in? if it was baekhyun's father who taught baekhyun these, then is the father an addict gambler, what is the relationship thus in their family? you don't address a lot of these sub-plots so either leave them out completely by saying that baekhyun learnt it from movies or address them more in-depth. similarly, eunji's parents fighting serves no other purpose than as a catalyst to the beach scene. it's a bit shallow how you've portrayed her emotions here, they go to the beach and suddenly she's a-okay? slightly unrealistic there, it is terrible to a child to have parents fighting. also, this fic is just all about running. i felt that every chapter was the exact same, everyone runs. now i get that this is the premise of the entire story but try finding synonyms for running like "jogging" or "sprinting" so that i don't read it and go "ooo let's see the word run in every sentence".
flow:2/5
a lot of the time, you use the wrong verb that impeded the flow quite a bit. for example "he depressed to one knee" and another one "to shoot baekhyun her tongue" is plain weird. consider using "he bent down to one knee" and "she stuck her tongue out at baekhyun" instead. a "stupid three seconds" is a pretty darn big margin and would hardly be counted as close unless no.1 was usain boltbecause i'm gathering that eunji is pretty fast. at one point you call eunji "eunmi" please proofread your stories before publishing, even the littlest ones are pretty good at destroying the overall feel of the story. a few continuity errors, is this carnival in 15yo set outside or inside? you mention "wind" and "hall" so now i'm confused, please clarify!
At the end of the day (overall enjoyment):2/5
Basically your fic is nice, sweet and cute but it isn't going to be one that i remember after a lot of other fics and not one that would be seen on rec lists.
Additioinal comments:
i'm sure you know the golden rule when writing stories "show don't tell". i admit i am terrible at abiding by it too but really, it becomes very obvious in your story. you basically force things upon me and expect me to believe them, instead try to give evidence. for example "emotionally wished". you are basically telling me that she's being emotional with no back-up. instead think of actions that describe someone being emotional. try to get rid of most of your emotive adverb+verb combinations, there is power in a verb, random example but instead of saying "angrily walked" instead say "stomped". it's fine to use things such as "slowly" as they are facts and not emotions.
Overall: 55/80
remember to comment when you read this, and please credit blue firefly! thank you for requesting <3
the title itself sounds interesting, i could probably click on it since it's the motif of the entire story. but i dislike the way you've formatted it, since it is a song, the quotation marks are fine but please capitalise it! i have this thing against lower case fonts.
appearance/graphics:3/5
Since you don't have a poster but more a photo of a gorgeous baekhyun, i can't say anything about it. i quite like the background image though, it's a nice colour, not too bright and doesn't distract from the story. the font is a nice, clean font, not a weird colour and easy to read so bonus points for that! I do however dislike how you've titled the chapters. Instead of using abbreviations with "5 Y.O" perhaps try using the the full title or just "5 years".
description/foreword:7/10
i think you may have mixed up the description and foreword, the description is a plot summary and the foreword is the extract from the story. if you put an extract in the description and then didn't write anything in the foreword that would be fine but since you didn it makes it a bit obvious. aside from that, the extract sounded sweet despite the slightly archaic language, do people really say "how i wish" anymore? but i'll see if it pops up again, that might be a characterisation problem. the summary was quite sweet, it had me intrigued. Also personally, i have a thing against italicised dialogue unless it's really necessary but since it's only the description, it's cool.
Characterisation:13/20
granted this is a kpop fic so i can't really call you out for charactirising them wrong because if we characterised them according to what we see on tv, then everyone would be sweet and kind. but i felt that eunji and baekhyun fell kind of flat. i couldn't feel any empathy whatsoever for them, they were a bit 2d. so they like to run, anything else? oh and they compete with each other all the time. chanyeol is just their nerdy friend who could not more obviously not belong, the third wheel in this story is really explicit, a bit too explicit. you don't need to write "nerdy glasses" just so show that chanyeol doesn't fit with them, perhaps "thick black-rimmed glasses" would get your point across. so eunji is a pyromaniac? throwing firecrackers into the air seems a bit...unusual. from the way you described that beach scene, it seemed like eunji was literally the girl on fire. i actually quite like the easy going friendship baekhyun and eunji have, i don't like, like i said, how chanyeol clearly doesn't belong, i feel so sorry for him.
plot/originality:24/30
it was a very simplistic plot but simplistic is good. i guess because it was such a short fic, it's pretty original and i can't say much else since all you focused on was running, running where, running for fun. there were a lot of plotholes you didn't address. why were chanyeol, baekhyun and eunji using gambling terms anyway? the foreword mentions that this fic contains gambling terms but for what reason did you put them in? if it was baekhyun's father who taught baekhyun these, then is the father an addict gambler, what is the relationship thus in their family? you don't address a lot of these sub-plots so either leave them out completely by saying that baekhyun learnt it from movies or address them more in-depth. similarly, eunji's parents fighting serves no other purpose than as a catalyst to the beach scene. it's a bit shallow how you've portrayed her emotions here, they go to the beach and suddenly she's a-okay? slightly unrealistic there, it is terrible to a child to have parents fighting. also, this fic is just all about running. i felt that every chapter was the exact same, everyone runs. now i get that this is the premise of the entire story but try finding synonyms for running like "jogging" or "sprinting" so that i don't read it and go "ooo let's see the word run in every sentence".
flow:2/5
a lot of the time, you use the wrong verb that impeded the flow quite a bit. for example "he depressed to one knee" and another one "to shoot baekhyun her tongue" is plain weird. consider using "he bent down to one knee" and "she stuck her tongue out at baekhyun" instead. a "stupid three seconds" is a pretty darn big margin and would hardly be counted as close unless no.1 was usain boltbecause i'm gathering that eunji is pretty fast. at one point you call eunji "eunmi" please proofread your stories before publishing, even the littlest ones are pretty good at destroying the overall feel of the story. a few continuity errors, is this carnival in 15yo set outside or inside? you mention "wind" and "hall" so now i'm confused, please clarify!
At the end of the day (overall enjoyment):2/5
Basically your fic is nice, sweet and cute but it isn't going to be one that i remember after a lot of other fics and not one that would be seen on rec lists.
Additioinal comments:
i'm sure you know the golden rule when writing stories "show don't tell". i admit i am terrible at abiding by it too but really, it becomes very obvious in your story. you basically force things upon me and expect me to believe them, instead try to give evidence. for example "emotionally wished". you are basically telling me that she's being emotional with no back-up. instead think of actions that describe someone being emotional. try to get rid of most of your emotive adverb+verb combinations, there is power in a verb, random example but instead of saying "angrily walked" instead say "stomped". it's fine to use things such as "slowly" as they are facts and not emotions.
Overall: 55/80
remember to comment when you read this, and please credit blue firefly! thank you for requesting <3
Comments