I'm tired. Really tired.

I'm tired of everything that he done to me. Kai. I've never felt and experienced this things in my entire life. All of these emotions; anger & sad yet I feel happiness and excitement at the same time. It is really surprising to all that after all what he have done to me, I choose to stay and hold on with him. But, he still let go in the end. I really wish he know how much I love him, how much I treasure every pieces of him.

I'm really tired of seeing the scars he left to me. I hide my tears as I bury myself in a tub of water everytime I think of him. Like everyday. That's the only way I think I can die slowly. I bury myself everyday trying to forget everything which also makes me in near death. I try to kill myself just to escape in reality I don't want to be in. But, I really should thank the people around from me for stopping myself to do it. 

"Ma'am?" There, my life savers. I wish they could let me die. I just don't understand why everytime I do it, they rush into room just to save me. They knew when and how am I going to kill myself.

"Ma'am? Ma'am!" Knocks on my door and their screams are getting louder. Trying to call me as I ignore them. But they were smart. I wish the keys were on my hand. They didn't let me die once again.

They rush into my room, holding a towel for me. They were two at this time, the old lady & the new maid. I knew she was really shocked at what she saw. She is shaking but I'm more shaking than her, by the cold. She could used by now.

"You should really stop this" The old lady said while aiding my cuts on my wrist. I winced in pain but I'm getting used to it. The new maid is drying my hair but I knew, she is afraid of me.

"No" I firmly say. There is a picture of us infront of me. It was the image of us way back when he was still crazy with me. Kai's arms were around me while I held the flowers and the letter he gave to me.

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. This poem but I like you"  

Says on the letter. It gave me a reason to say yes to him. A yes is a worth for him for his seven months of courting to me. But what happened right now are not the worth the time we fell in love. The six years relationship turned into trash. Is it worthy? I don't see the reason why after all the love we give to the person we love, they still have the guts to hurt us. Is there any chance that if we fall in love, we don't get hurt? 

I remembered when I said yes to him. He was happy and so I am. He kissed me. That was my very first kiss.

"Sora" The old lady sighed as she says my name. There was disappointment in her voice and now, she is shooking her head. 

"I don't what to do with you anymore. It's been a half of a year since he was gone" Even though she is just my maid, she knew me very well and she is like my mother. If anyone would leave me just like how Kai leave me, well, she isn't. She will never do that.

"He ain't coming back" She said to me as matter of fact. Yes, he ain't and never will come back to me. I lean my head to her shoulders. She pats my head like she owns me.

"Let's go to your bed, shall we?" She guided me quietly to my bed, holding my shoulders. Avoiding my wrist. When I lay to my bed, she puts my blanket on. She bid goodnight, turn off the lights and she is off to her room.

I let myself feel the pain again. I look up the ceiling, thinking of him. Again. For the ninth time this day. Tonight, I promise myself not to think of him that much by tomorrow.

I remembered when he changed.

It was the moment when we were totally serious about our relationship. We get our own apartment,  for mine and for his sake. He got his job at a restaurant and I got mine, too, teaching kids at the daycare. Works flew over our minds to the point that we forget each other. Complains are everywhere about how he comes home so late or midnight. But there's worse than that. There was a time where in he doesn't come back home after he goes off in the work.

Everytime we fight about it, he hits me. He lits off his cigarette on my skin. He slaps me.

"I'm sick of you" He said to me and I could remember how he said it until now. It really pains me. A lot. It pains me because I didn't know where I was wrong. All I ever do is to love him.

Much worse to the situation is that my sister and me fought.

He didn't comfort me when me and my sister had our fight. He doesn't care about my condition. It feels like I'm commited to someone else who is not in reality. He knew my parents were rested in peace after that, and it is the time where we live to my parents' house, just in front of my sister's house.

Tears are falling in my eyes, more than the tears I let out earlier. Why it has to end up like this?

I couldn't handle this anymore. I wished Kai change for me, come back to me, but, reality is reality. And the reality si that there is no chance of me and Kai are getting back together. It is like broken glasses; fragile and when it brokens, you will never ever get it back together. There is a car stopped in front of my house. My sister is back from work with her husband. I stand up from my bed and take a glimpse of them. I just there, standing in front of my window, holding my curtain. I felt like my tears are rolling down once again.

There, I see Kai holding my sister's hand and their kids running. They are so happy while someone is in pain.