Trigger warning for: referenced/graphic torture and inappropriate/incorrect etiquette. 

They get back home without any more nervous breakdowns and they’re just doing their own thing. More like, Hongbin is doing his own thing. Sanghyuk keeps his eyes on Hongbin as he paces around the apartment, cleaning everything meticulously with more detail that he himself could ever learn to muster. Sanghyuk tries to get up and help many times but Hongbin just shoots him a sharp glance that makes him sit down. He’s “still sick”, apparently, but he really isn’t. He wants to pull his weight in the house. It’s not right to make Hongbin do the cleaning. It’s supposed to be his job.

The more Sanghyuk stares at Hongbin, the more he’s intrigued. The way Hongbin carries himself, the way he furrows his eyebrows as he spots a clump of dust in the corner, the way his lips curl when he reads something on his phone. Its confidence and Sanghyuk knows because it’s the type of light that his previous Sirs radiated from their very bodies. They were all successful big shots and Hongbin is “a small-town photographer” but he’s pretty sure Hongbin could be anything he wanted if he tried hard enough.  The best part is that the confidence he exudes is warm and that Hongbin himself is kinder than most people he has met so far. He wonders how Hongbin was like in high school. Did he go to college? What were his grades like? 

In the end, Hongbin does end up giving him something to do because Sanghyuk gets too fidgety into the first half and hour, offering to help so much that he spends more time off the beanbag than on it. It’s just a stack of magazines to sort through but Sanghyuk is thankful for it. He doesn’t feel like a total sponge, just soaking up all of Hongbin’s generosity, and he gets to know more about the world he left when he was just little. He doesn’t linger as long as he wants to on the pages, though. Hongbin might scold him for taking too long. Or not…?

“So,” Hongbin starts, settling down next to Sanghyuk after he’s done cleaning up every part of the apartment. “Can we talk about your – um – your previous – Wait no.”

Sanghyuk looks up. Hongbin takes a deep breath and Sanghyuk scratches at the side of his thumb, dislodging a strip of skin and tugging at it. Sanghyuk can feel his heart beating faster.

“Have I done something wrong, hyung?” Sanghyuk asks dejectedly, his eyes wide with desperation. He should've known that he wouldn't last long without messing up. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no.” Hongbin looks away awkwardly. “I just meant – Let’s talk about the people you were with before you came here. Your hospital checkup was… worrying, to say the least. And I need to know what happened so I can help you.”

“Oh.” Sanghyuk pulls his knees to his chest, stunned, his walls of defense up. “O – Okay.”

“Is it okay if I record it?” A flash of fear comes and goes in Sanghyuk’s pupils. It’s almost the desperation of a soul so fully taken apart. “I’m just going to record your voice. No cameras, no videos, I promise. It’s just so you don’t have to explain the whole thing again to anyone.”

Hongbin decides to keep the thing about making a police report a secret for now. Just the hospital can incite such fear from Sanghyuk, he can't possibly imagine what going to the police might do. Besides, if they’re ever going to report, Hongbin’s going to head up to Seoul with Sanghyuk. There’s no way in hell he’s going to trust any of the scumbag policemen here.

He almost misses the nod but it’s there. Hongbin turns on the audio recording on his phone and places it in front of Sanghyuk, but the boy still doesn’t speak.

“Sanghyuk,” Hongbin says softly. “We can do this another day if you can’t – you know.”

The dial on the screen moves with the volume of Hongbin’s voice. Sanghyuk doesn’t want to do it. He has come so far in the short time he has been safe but it isn’t time. Not yet.

“I don’t want to.” Sanghyuk pulls more at the skin; the pain makes his vision sharp and bright. “But you want me to, hyung.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I told you at the hospital.”

“But I’ll have to one day, won’t I, hyung?”

“Yes, but that’s only because they have to be punished for hurting you.” Hongbin pauses.  “What if – What if they found another person? To replace you?”

The thought of someone else being in there, being humiliated and hurt makes Sanghyuk want to puke. The bile rises up his throat and his skin starts to crawl. He tugs at the skin harder and it comes off completely, leaving behind a small pool of blood. He clasps his hands together and presses one thumb over the wound. It hurts but it feels good.

“Okay. I – I think I need to do this.” Sanghyuk stutters.

“Start whenever. But stop if you have to, okay?”

Sanghyuk takes a shaky breath and coughs as his throats tightens painfully. “They – um –”

The words are sticking to the walls of his throat and even though the same scenes have been going through his head millions of times, it’s just different to voice it out. He can feel the blood under his thumb going sticky. He can feel everything, hear everything. It’s like all his senses became hypersensitive all at once.

“Do you want me to ask you questions instead? Would that be better?” Hongbin offers and Sanghyuk nods. 

Hongbin takes a shallow breath to steady himself. Be strong for Sanghyuk.

“Were you abducted? ...How?”

“They grabbed me off the sidewalk of the orphanage. I knew I shouldn’t have wandered out but I did. And then I – I don’t remember.”

“Just… one person? Or did you get moved from place to place?”

“I – I had three – three places in total.”

“All male?”

“Yes.” Sanghyuk flinches from an invisible touch. Byunghee Sir.

“What happened at your first place?”

“I ate properly, dressed properly, slept properly. It wasn’t all that bad.” Hongbin raises an eyebrow and Sanghyuk reminds himself not to lie to Hongbin. “Just that – um – I got hit a lot? Yeah.”  

“How much did he hurt you?”            

“A lot. It was so – so painful. For a really, really long time.” Sanghyuk breaths out. “But the worst part was that I – I didn’t even know what I did wrong. He never ever told me. The rest – The rest of my Sirs always told me what was wrong with me. He didn’t. So I was um… really confused. All the time.”

“How old were you?”                                                                                        

“7. He gave me away when he decided I was getting too old.” Sanghyuk fidgets anxiously because the rest of the Sirs are ten – no, twenty times worse than this one and he doesn’t know how he’s going to get through the rest of the conversation.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Don’t be, hyung.”

It’s not your fault. It’s mine.  

“Where did you go after that?”

“I –” Sanghyuk swallows. “Jooncheol. Jooncheol Sir.”

“He was… bad. Wasn’t he?”

“Y – Yes.”                          

“What did he –” Hongbin trails off and knows he’s only just starting to get to the real problem. “Can you tell me?”

“He took away my food sometimes when I did something wrong, like not cleaning properly or – or not kneeling.” Sanghyuk starts to rock back and forth. “And then at night in the shower or in bed when he wanted – wanted to…”

“He you.” Hongbin whispers, then repeats himself, louder this time, as the truth sinks into his mind. “He you, Sanghyuk-ah. He did, didn’t he?”

Sanghyuk looks at him, eyes filled with such emptiness that makes Hongbin want to kill the man with his bare hands. “I never – I never said no.”

“It doesn’t mean you wanted it! It’s different!”                                    

“It didn’t matter to him.” Sanghyuk whispers. “I didn’t matter.”

“Why didn’t you run away then?” Hongbin knows he’s pushing it.

“He – He told me that so many things could happen if I did. He told me that he was so much nicer than the people out there just waiting for me.” Sanghyuk can’t feel his fingers and his palms getting sweaty. “He told me that he would kill me if I tried. And I believed him. Why wouldn’t I? He – um – He… Made sure I would always listen.”

“You were still a kid?” Hongbin asks incredulously and he’s starting to feel sick. “People can bring themselves to do that to a kid?”

Jooncheol Sir wiped his brain so deeply and thoroughly that he operates now on someone that doesn’t exist. After all, the person he is now isn’t created by nature. It’s a false, constructed image that Sanghyuk has projected onto himself because of Jooncheol Sir. The Han Sanghyuk that he used to be is now gone forever because he was the one who wanted to forget. He doesn’t ever want to remember what it was like to be able to be happy. It’s easier to believe that you never was than to still hold on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, you’re better than the sum of your parts. In some ways, he is grateful. He became a good boy. But somehow, the word good just settles in the bottom of his stomach like a wolf gnawing into his bones. It hurts and maybe it’s because the word good was never supposed to be used to describe him at all. He’s not good. He’s anything but good.

“He’s such a jerk.”                        

Sanghyuk agrees but doesn’t nod.

“How long? How long were you…”

“I don’t know.” Sanghyuk says (a little bit too quickly) and the words seem to stab Hongbin in the chest. He’s grateful. He doesn’t think he could’ve handled the answer anyway.

“Your… Your scar. On your hip.” Hongbin states carefully and Sanghyuk’s hands instinctively come up to wrap around his stomach. “Was it from…”

Sanghyuk’s eyes start to dart around the living room, shaky and wild. “Yes – um – Yes, it was him.”  

“Sanghyuk,” Hongbin says firmly but to Sanghyuk it sounds so, so far away. “Are you okay?”

He’s starting to drift. He’s not answering Hongbin with any sort of conscious volition, he’s answering Hongbin with nothing but his mouth, like – like he’s removed from himself.

Sanghyuk swallows and the pressure in his ears are gone. He closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath to clear his mind. “Yes hyung.”

Hongbin pushes hair out of Sanghyuk’s eyes and Sanghyuk flinches. Flinches so hard that he is out of Hongbin’s reach. Then he recovers and he realizes what he’d done. The lightbulb visions of punishments keep going on and on at the back of his eyeballs and his head hurts.

“Sorry –”

“. Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Sanghyuk replies tersely. “Just caught me off guard. Sorry for – I didn’t mean it. I promise.”

“No, no, no. I’m sorry.” Hongbin says and reminds himself that he has to keep his hands off the boy, goddammit.

The air becomes tense, awkward, and Sanghyuk becomes extremely aware of Hongbin’s every move. Then they resume with an abrupt start.

“Did he starve you a lot?” Hongbin looks carefully at Sanghyuk. “Is that why you’re so skinny?”

Sanghyuk gives a lopsided smile and reminds himself to breathe. “I deserved it. I hated him. I still do. After leaving his place I thought life would get better, you know? What could be worse than that, right? But it wasn’t him that made me so… skinny. ”

“Hell –” Hongbin breaths out heavily then eyes the boy warily. “Can you continue?”

Sanghyuk nods but all he can think of is nonononononono I can’t. Because Moonhyuk and Soojin are the first time he was actually tortured; because they’re hiding in the basin of his collarbones whenever he looks into the mirror; because they’re – they were the worst.

It’s still fresh in his mind and Moonhyuk and Soojin are back from work. He is still bent over the table, a in his , a gag forcing it’s way in between his teeth, rope tied tightly around his balls. Didn’t we tell you not to come? Soojin says and he feels tears emerging. His entire body was on fire and he doesn’t think it’s because of the flogging he received this morning because he didn’t make breakfast quickly enough. The hypersensitivity of his skin makes him want to scream as Moonhyuk runs his hands all over his body, paying extra attention to his private parts.

Soojin takes out a remote controller out of his pocket and turns the off. He wants to scream in relief but that would get him punished again, as if staining the floor didn’t already land him in a huge load of trouble. 

Why can’t you do what we tell you to do? Says Moonhyuk and he cries out from the hits he’s receiving all over his flushed skin. Why are you such a mess, Sanghyukkie? Why can’t you be good for us? We trained you to be better than this.

Soojin wipes the pre- off the floor and unties his arms from the legs of the table. He continues to stay in position as Moonhyuk and Soojin start kissing each other. His muscles are straining and screaming out in pain but he doesn’t move. He needs to be good. So he gets to eat. Maybe he’ll get to eat tonight.

Stand up for me, darling. Soojin caresses his hair and he stands up shakily, still hard and still full. They tease his hard-on, snickering at how much of a he is. Then they lead him to the bedroom by his collar, laughing at how pathetic he looks, crawling on the floor. They open the cage, coaxing him in like a dog before tying his leash to the bars. They lock the cage even though they know it’s not necessary. He curls in on himself, wanting to die, whimpering in hunger and the pain of not being able to release for the past week.

Shhh, be good. Moonhyuk says, tugging roughly on the leash even though his voice is steady and gentle.

That night they have dinner without him again. That night they have with him watching again.

That night he doesn’t go to sleep again. Can’t.

***

“Sanghyuk?” Hongbin is holding a glass of water and Sanghyuk can’t remember when he got up to go to the kitchen. “Hi. Welcome back.”

Sanghyuk opens his mouth to speak but his teeth are chattering so hard, he nods instead. Hongbin passes the glass of warm water to him and he gulps it down but the chattering doesn’t get any better. Sanghyuk rests his forehead on the peak of his knees, closing his eyes and rocking back and forth. He tries so hard to suppress the memories but a few still creep into his mind. The phone isn’t in front of him anymore. His back aches and his arms are cramping and he wonders –

“How long was I like that, hyung?” Sanghyuk says softly, too embarrassed to look at Hongbin.

“The past half an hour?”              

“I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean t –”

“Don’t even start.” Hongbin says sternly and that shuts Sanghyuk up in a good way.

Hongbin places his hands on Sanghyuk’s shoulders (disgustingly prominent, even through the shirt) and squeezes tightly. Sanghyuk flinches on the initial contact but slowly his hands stop shaking and his teeth stop chattering. He can feel blood rushing back into his ears, the fog in his mind clearing up, and he can hear the cars outside the apartment. Hongbin doesn’t stop rubbing Sanghyuk’s back in circles until Sanghyuk starts to breathe evenly.

“Better now?”                         

“Yes, hyung.” Sanghyuk looks at the green bean bag in the corner and Hongbin notes how soft the boy suddenly is (not that he was loud to start with) but he’s glad that Sanghyuk is even able to speak. “I’d like to go sit there now if that’s okay with you.”

“You can do whatever you want, Sanghyuk.” Hongbin reassures. “I don’t own you.”

Sanghyuk starts to unfold his limbs, waiting for the feeling in his legs and arms to come back. He shuffles over to the corner of the room and sits down on the beanbag, settling perfectly into the previous shape that he had left since the last time he sat there.

Sanghyuk stares out of the balcony and Hongbin stays with him until he falls into a fitful sleep 3 hours later.

***

Sanghyuk wakes up the next day with his vision clear and it’s the first time this has happened in a couple of years. The gray at the four corners of his eyes have faded and everything seems to be in – in color. He gets up and the beanbag under him shifts. He remembers what happened last night. He remembers them all. But somehow, it makes him feel lighter even though he thought it would make him feel worse.

Hongbin was already up at the dinner table, scrolling through his tablet.

“Good morning, hyung.” Sanghyuk says, eyes not leaving the floor, hands clasped together.

Please, please, please don’t be disgusted with me.                              

“Good morning!” Hongbin looks up from the gadget and smiles at Sanghyuk. “Would you like to take a shower before breakfast?”

Sanghyuk looks up and smiles softly. “Yes, please. I would like that. ”

“Go do that.” Hongbin stands up almost… excitedly? “Okay wait but first let me show you something.”

Hongbin opens the door to a room right next to the bathroom and opposite his bedroom, Sanghyuk close behind. The room has light blue walls and a bed with navy blue covers. The cupboard next to the window was grey and the night lights are blue stars affixed on the walls.

Sanghyuk looks up at Hongbin and it’s exhilarating that he can look into Hongbin’s eyes without being told to. It’s even more exciting that Hongbin doesn’t ever scream at him for being so disrespectful.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?”

Sanghyuk stares at the room then back at Hongbin. “What?”

“It’s yours.” Hongbin says, laughing at the younger boy’s expression and Sanghyuk thinks that Hongbin is making fun of him for a moment. “Spent all night decorating it. The room is yours.”

Sanghyuk backs up one step. “No way. You’re kidding, hyung.”

“Yes way.” Hongbin takes the boy gently by the shoulders and relishes in the fact that Sanghyuk doesn’t squirm, pushing him into the room. “It’s all yours. I had no use for the guest room, and since I’m guessing you’ll be staying here for long, I set up a room for you.”

“But I can just sleep on the flo –”

“How they treated you was inhumane and wrong.” Sanghyuk’s heart starts to drum. “I’m not like that. I’m going to treat you like a proper teenager.”

“And because you’re a teenager, I won’t come in here unless you give me permission so don’t worry about me infringing your privacy. After you’re done, go get bathed then come out for breakfast, alright? Have fun. Please relax. You look like you’re going to faint.” Hongbin chuckles and closes the door behind him.

Sanghyuk scans the space for a camera. He doesn’t do many things for a reason anymore. It’s not that he thinks Hongbin is capable of being erted like that but he’s just trained to check if there’s any blinking red lights or reflective lenses before putting down his guard. He does things now for survival and for an easier life. Less pain. He trusts Hongbin, but he just can’t place his trust in Hongbin. Not yet. It’s a chance he’s not willing to take. He looks at the room – his room – in bewilderment. He walks over to the bed and sits down on it lightly as if it was going to break. The truth begins to settle in and he doesn’t smile even though he feels a foreign feeling in his chest that vaguely reminds him of a faraway emotion that he hasn’t felt in a long while, bouncing a little on the new springs.

Sanghyuk stands up and walks over to the cupboard, fingers trailing over the night lights. He slides it open and marvels at the t-shirts and shorts already lying there neatly. It’s categorized from light to dark – he’s almost taken aback at how conscientious Hongbin is. Sanghyuk slides the cupboard closed then touches the electronic gadgets sitting square on the table lightly. They’re the ones from yesterday. Hongbin didn’t take them away after all. He presses a square button on the phone and it lights up, much to Sanghyuk’s amazement. He picks it up and runs his fingers over the sleek keyboard.

None of the things on the screen make sense to him, though, and he reminds himself to learn soon. Catch up on all the years he lost. Know how it’s like to be normal.

Sanghyuk lies down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, his hands covering his face. He can’t express in words how different he’s treated here and how opposite Hongbin is to any of his previous Sirs.

He muffles the doubt within his heart that maybe Hongbin isn’t as good as – as he made him out to be. Because Hongbin is an even better person than any human he can conjure up with his imagination. He muffles every single doubt and replaces it with a ‘maybe this could work out after all’

[A/N] I'm not trying to guilt trip anyone into commenting, I really am not, but I can't deny that I develop and write each chapter according to the input. And I think it might be better if I got more critique. Sorry for killing the vibe...?  Also, feel free to add me as a friend, I might (or might not) be replying to input/queries on my blog