TW: distorted body image

Hongbin has been trying to get Sanghyuk to talk to more people.

The past two weeks after meeting Jaehwan, Sanghyuk has been withdrawing further and further from the people around him –  so much so that Hongbin thinks the only two people the boy talks to anymore is Ravi and himself. He doesn’t give verbal responses to new people he meets at the office, and looks for an exit whenever they force him to speak. This is a major backtrack after Sanghyuk actually seemed like he was making friends on his own.

Hongbin tries to get into Sanghyuk’s head, tries to understand what exactly made him want to close off, and he’s starting to think that Jaehwan managed to spectacularly convince Sanghyuk that everyone who isn’t Hongbin’s friend is unkind.

Which means that some social gathering is in order.

Hongbin talks to Nakhun about it, and he manages to convince the newly-weds to bring forward the party they’ve been planning. They’re more than willing, but just because they can, they make Hongbin promise to get the drinks.

Sanghyuk spends days preparing for it. It helps that it’s going to be a house that he’s used to but apparently, there’s a sunbae that’s going to be there. A sunbae that Hongbin really respects. And apparently he’s going to meet people he didn’t meet during the housewarming.

It’s especially imperative for him not to mess up.

***

“I forgot where I put my sweater, hyung,” Sanghyuk says, his voice painfully apologetic, like he’s expecting punishment for being so sloppy. “Give me a minute.”

“It’s right on the kitchen chair where you left it, like, 10 minutes ago, Hyuk-ah.” Hongbin shouts from the doorway as he puts on his shoes.

Sanghyuk rushes into the kitchen and spots his sweater hanging off the chair. “Oh, sorry.”

Hongbin smiles as his roommate rushes to the doorway. “It’s okay.”

He puts on his shoes and then proceeds to pull the sweater over his head. As he lifts his arms up, his flannel shirt rides up a little bit up his stomach. Hongbin doesn’t remember Sanghyuk being this skinny since he started eating. He bites in a gasp but Sanghyuk pulls his shirt down before he can get a good look, so he just tries not to stare.

“You okay?” Hongbin asks, and he’s not sure what he’s hoping for. Honesty, maybe.

Sanghyuk glances at him and smiles gently. “Yeah…? Is there anything wrong? I’m okay.”

“Nothing.” Hongbin brushes the anxiety away (dismisses it) and twitches out a smile. “You nervous?”

Sanghyuk is terrified, and that’s putting it nicely. He’s scared of meeting people, because of Jaehwan, and he’s scared of people sizing him up. He’s too… big. And too undesirable. Too awkward, takes up too much space in this world. But he has to try – for Hongbin.

“I think I’ll be okay.”

***

His nervousness doesn’t ebb away like he expected, or begged it to. He feels like his head is going to explode, or like his body is about to snap in half.

He already knows half the people in the room – Hakyeon, Taekwoon, even Niel is there, but there are a few he’s not acquainted with. Nakhun has tried introducing him, but he spends so much energy trying to stick close to Hongbin that he’s too on edge to even make simple eye contact.

Then when Hongbin leaves the party briefly to pick up his sunbae – the sunbae – Sanghyuk latches onto Leo hyung. He keeps talking even though he’s tired, and makes weird gestures with his hands so people won’t disrupt the obviously-exciting conversation he’s holding to offer him food, etc.

But there’s still someone in the room that Sanghyuk is wary of. Daewon hyung. He makes him so wary that Sanghyuk tries to keep a clear escape path, shifts slightly when someone blocks off an option, something he hasn’t done hyper-obsessively in a very long time.  

Sanghyuk notices the looks Daewon gives this other guy – Byungjun, but it seems like he’s the only one in the room seeing it. Something lurches in his stomach because Daewon looks so much like Moonhyuk, he bites down on the inside of his cheek to keep the fear at bay. His every dom-attuned sensor is going off like crazy, and he doesn’t know how he knows but he does. He still tries to continue talking to Leo, but at the corner of his eye he knows he’s preparing for danger.  

“You guys were never really good at dancing anyway.” Byungjun shoots his mouth off again and Sanghyuk flinches, like someone just flicked him.

Leo looks up at him worriedly at the sudden movement and the silence.

Daewon suddenly stands up and Sanghyuk’s bite accidentally slips, immediately filling his mouth with blood. “Hey can I use your bedroom for a bit?” Byungjun immediately shuts up and glares holes in his lap.

Nakhun nods firmly and Daewon pulls Byungjun by his shirt collar. “Up. Now.”

Sanghyuk’s fingers instinctively dig into his palms and the pain grounds him but the discomfort in his chest continues to grow. He feels like he’s going to puke his stomach out. His eyes looks desperately around the room, trying to see if anyone is noticing this. How could no one have stopped that? How could no one have noticed? It’s impossible impossible impossible –

His ears block out and the edges of the world goes a little grey. He’s aware that Leo – Taekwoon – is talking to him, but the voice sounds so far away. He has to focus on remembering to inhale then exhale then inhale again or else Hongbin will be upset and then he’s going to be in trouble and –

Daewon and Byungjun emerge from the bathroom a good 10 minutes later and Sanghyuk can’t help but notice how sweaty Byungjun is, the erratic breathing, the tears at the end of his eyelids, the way he shifts uncomfortably after sitting down. Sanghyuk, from where he sits at the dining table, telling – lying to Taekwoon about forgetting to text Hongbin, and fiddling with his phone, gets up without excusing himself because he can feel the bile rising up his throat. He hasn’t eaten anything, so there’s absolutely nothing to buffer it. It burns but nothing burns more than what he just seen.

Sanghyuk scrambles straight to the kitchen, hands shaking and chest heaving. The tremors run through his bones like a ing hurricane as he leans against the sink, gagging and eventually spitting up bile. The memories are back – Moonhyuk taking him in the middle of a meeting, not letting him come, boasting to his associates – Someone touches him and Sanghyuk jerks sideways. He’s hoping its Taekwoon – or Nakhun – but he looks up and sees Daewon. Sanghyuk backs away behind the counter and Daewon follows him until Sanghyuk’s panicky “don’t!” reaches him and freezes him in his tracks.

“Hey, hey. Take it easy.” Daewon raises both his hands but Sanghyuk can only see him wanting to strike, wanting to hit and hurt.

“Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t…” Sanghyuk slides down the counter onto the floor, digging into his eyes with the heel of his hands until the heavy pain and the swirl of color settles beneath his closed lids. He doesn’t want to kneel, not anymore, not for a Dom, not – His arm muscles are shaking so hard they’re starting to hurt and cramp but Sanghyuk is grateful for another source of pain. Hongbin told him to not hurt himself but it’s the only – only way he knows how to cope. Hongbin’s going to be so upset with him when he gets back. He’s going to –

“Sanghyuk? Sanghyuk.” Leo hyung. “It’s just me.”               

“Yes – I – I,” Sanghyuk stops, swallowing and pulling his legs closer. “He’s – he’s hurting – Daewon – Daewon hyung is h – hurting Byungjun hyung? He is. He is. He is. I saw.”

Taekwoon doesn’t speak for a long time but Sanghyuk knows he’s still there. He can smell the faint fabric softener – then suddenly it’s gone. Someone else’s footsteps pad into the kitchen and Sanghyuk whimpers. His stomach is lurching and his head is spinning and all he wants to do is find the courage to just run away, maybe run all the way home except he can’t even remember where he is right now.

Is it Nakhun’s house? Or is it, is it – His mind is a mess. Even when he opens his eyes he can’t really see.

“Sanghyuk-ah. It’s me.” Byungjun walks towards the counter. “Can I sit down?”

Sanghyuk doesn’t reply but waits until Byungjun is half a meter away from him before he manages to choke out a strangled “stop”. He hears himself and he can’t really believe that he – that anyone could sound so… weird. So… un-human.

“Sanghyuk?” Byungjun sits down with his back against the counter, out of Sanghyuk’s sight.       

He doesn’t trust himself to reply, but a soft sound of distress escapes from between his teeth anyway.    

“I’m okay. You know that right?” Byungjun says reluctantly.

“No you’re not. He’s hurting you. He’s hurting you. He’s hurting you, and I – I –” Sanghyuk can’t think of anything else to say so he repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats until Byungjun moves in front of him in a flash, grabbing his wrists in a gentle hold. Sanghyuk is trying his best not to completely lose it.

“I’m fine.” Byungjun is trying so hard to meet Sanghyuk’s eyes but someone’s gonna have to order him if they want him to reciprocate.

Sanghyuk swallows. “It’s – it’s hard to explain because I’m – I’m only – I’m only – but – I know what he’s – he’s doing and – and you –”

“I have a safeword. To let Daewon hyung know I need him to stop everything. He stops. He really does. He stops when I want him to, when he knows I’m being pushed too far.”

“Sure we have and there’s a lot of pain sometimes but –” Sanghyuk tries to pull out of his grasp but Byungjun won’t let him go. He really, really, doesn’t want to be here. “Listen. But I want it. I love Daewon hyung and he loves me too, we just like being in a relationship – different – from other people. You know?”

Sanghyuk attempts to look up but he can’t – he just can’t. “You – you want this.”

Byungjun gives a forced laugh, almost embarrassed, as he lets go of Sanghyuk. “I do. I really do.”

Sanghyuk’s pathetic attempt at reciprocating polite laughter turns into half-hysterical sobs, swallowed down with the flashbacks and self-loathing. “Okay. I – I,” Sanghyuk coughs, hooking his elbows over his knees. “Am just. Having a hard – hard time. Wrapping my brain. Around this.”

“Take your time. Take your time.” Byungjun stands up slowly. “I’ll be outside. Call if anything.”

Sanghyuk shivers, clenching his teeth and tries to conjure whatever he remembers about Daewon hyung and Byungjun hyung. Their relationship was never like his and his Sir’s. Never. Daewon always tells Byungjun how much he loves him and – and Byungjun never – never tries to escape from Daewon. It’s different.

Byungjun wants this.

The anxiety and fear and adrenaline seeps out of his cells, slowly but surely, just leaving behind a familiar fatigue. He’s fully awake now and he’s not going to do anything stupid, but it’s comparable to having your battery run from 110% to 2% in the span of five minutes.

It’s different. It’s different. He tries to tell himself and somehow he believes it. He believes it because Byungjun looks happy, even now, and Daewon really does look like he’s in love with Byungjun. His body language is too relaxed to be lying about it being consensual. Either that or he’s a terrific liar. But people can’t lie about being hurt that easily. If there’s anyone that knows it, it’s Sanghyuk.  

Byungjun has a choice.

Byungjun has a choice.

But at the back of his head, without meaning to, without even wanting to, he’s thinking: why didn’t I? Why didn’t I get a choice?

***

Sanghyuk walks out of the kitchen to find Daewon and Byungjun cuddling on the couch as always, Byungjun in between Daewon’s legs. Byungjun looks genuinely upset, almost like he’s going to cry, but he moves out of Daewon’s embrace as soon as Sanghyuk sets foot in the living room.

“Hi,” Daewon tries and Sanghyuk wills himself to not see him as a different person.

Daewon had been nice and caring towards Sanghyuk so he’s different from Moonhyuk, different from Heungdeok, a different kind of nice from Soojin, and it’s only right for Sanghyuk to not look at him like he’s a monster. Maybe he is – he is harsh and uncaring during because all Sirs are cruel (they must be), but if – maybe Byungjun likes that he’s being hurt. Yeah that’s what he said. He likes being hurt. He said it himself.

Sanghyuk thinks he can understand. Sometimes his Sirs hurt him so much that he goes into a place where he can drift without feeling anything. Maybe it’s something like that.

“I’m sorry that made you uncomfortable. I’ll try not to do that around you in the future. Byungjun just tends to… go overboard sometimes.”

Sanghyuk nods, and the atmosphere is not as awkward as he thought it would be, given that things literally could not be worse. Firstly, he just had a meltdown in front of everyone. Secondly, everyone finally knows that he’s ed up. Thirdly, he thinks that Hongbin might yell at him for this. He messed everything up again but everyone is so forgiving he feels small.

Daewon smiles a bit, linking his hands in Byungjun’s. “I’m sorry I made you think I was hurting him but I promise you. I know my limits. So don’t worry, okay? I’m taking good care of him.”

Sanghyuk’s heart is still beating loudly – painfully, in his chest but he nods and forces the edges of his lips to curl upwards with all the strength he has left. Daewon kisses Byungjun lightly on the cheek as Sanghyuk returns to sit at his previous spot and tries to focus on the movie playing, Byungjun and Daewon’s joined hands only half-hidden from where he’s sitting.

[A/N] Long chapter as an apology (several long chapters coming up as apologies 2.0)