[T/W]: Disordered eating/eating disorder, Sub-drop 

Hongbin has to leave for an overseas assignment. It’s something he cannot avoid; Hakyeon hyung tries to re-schedule it because he knows Sanghyuk is still reeling from the house party, still trying to sort everything out in his head. But the other end of the contract is more than willing to find new photographers from new companies if Hongbin doesn’t express interest.

And so they find themselves in the airport boarding hall on a Sunday night, Hongbin still fussing over Sanghyuk.

He’s been nagging for the past hour, about how Sanghyuk has to call him every day at a certain time if not he's going to call INTERPOL, or how Sanghyuk has to – has to – call him if anything crops up, how he has to arrange classes with Ravi but only if he’s up to it, etc. etc.. 

Hongbin is only going away for four days, but they both know how hard it is for Sanghyuk to be alone.

As Hakyeon and Taekwoon drop him off at the apartment, makes sure he gets in safe and the door shuts behind him, the silence descends upon his body like a blinding fog. There’s nothing for him to do. He paces the apartment, tracing his finger over the furniture. It’s a nice apartment – especially in such a rough neighborhood; The furniture is sleek, but half the things don’t work because of how run down the building is. The heater doesn’t work well, the sink leaks, but it has morphed into a space, in Sanghyuk’s head, that registers as something in between a house and a home. He thinks about Hongbin’s offer to move houses and he thinks he’s really going to miss this place if they do.

He really hopes Hongbin will continue to take him in, because in his head, Hongbin already registers as something in between a friend and a home.

On some days, Sanghyuk can see the way Hongbin looks at him; like he’s the best thing to ever exist, like he’s normal, and pure, and un-hurt. He doesn’t know if he can ever be what Hongbin wants (he tries), but to be honest he doesn’t know if he was ever what Hongbin thinks him to be. If he was ever that amazing.

Things have been getting slightly better. His night-long terrors have dulled slowly into short bursts of bad dreams, and Hongbin has become less wary around him. Rightfully so, because Sanghyuk doesn’t let himself slip into different realities as easily now.

But there are still many things wrong. Sometimes he forgets where he is, or what he’s supposed to do. He still isn’t eating enough, he still feels like he’s going to get hit when he does something wrong. His body still flinches and shudders like a faulty machine cowering under its own weight.

And he's scared being alone will make his monsters all emerge from the shadows. The rest of the night, Sanghyuk doesn’t sleep, just pacing and making sure the door is locked every few minutes.

***

He forces himself to get off the couch because he promised Hongbin he was going to be okay. It’s not a big deal, he grits out to himself, but the soft anxiety settles at the bottom of his stomach, a darkness lurking, seems to want to argue with that.

His idea of being okay is so radically different from Hongbin’s, that he’s at a loss of what it is he really needs to do. His idea of okay is don’t mess up, do the housework, be functional for once, when Hongbin really means to do whatever you want, don’t hurt yourself, and call me if anything.

So he makes himself a smoothie with lots of strawberries and soy milk because even though he doesn’t feel like eating, he promised. Drinks it, even though it takes him thirty minutes to get through the entire cup. His gag reflex is acting up on him again. Washes the blender. Dries everything. Makes sure the kitchen looks like it hasn’t been touched. Good.

He writes himself a to-do list, words splaying themselves over scraps of paper that he sticks to the fridge with little ‘Welcome to Holland!’ magnets. His notes stick out like an angry man bitter with life in a party of cheerful tourist magnets. His notes say things like: Bathe, or Call Nakhun, Call Hongbin, Eat, Ravi 4.30pm, Do homework. His memory is a patchy quilt. If he doesn’t use the checklist, he ends up forgetting how to schedule his day – To the point where Hongbin has to remind him that he hasn’t eaten lunch, or that he’s already taken a shower for the fourth time in a day. Sometimes he reads his book three times from cover to back and still can’t remember ever reading it at all. It makes it hard on Wonshik, but they pull through.

He pulls through.

Just barely.

***

He rolls out of bed after four hours of just... reading, and crosses out the date on the calendar. Only two more days till Hongbin is back. Two more days.

The note on the fridge from past-Sanghyuk says to give Nakhun a call when he’s up so he does, and Nakhun greets him with a chirpy “good morning”. It almost makes him feel better, but not quite. He likes Nakhun and the rest, he really does, but they don’t give him the familiarity that Hongbin does. They make him feel safe but not in the way Hongbin does. Nakhun tells him that Daewon and Byungjun are coming over in 2 hours to drop off groceries and then “if it’s okay, they can accompany you for a bit”.

The warning signs in his head blare, but he says "okay" anyway, because it's what Hongbin would want him to do. 

***

“Can you be more careful around Sanghyuk, please,” Daewon says, not taking his eyes off the road but he knows that Byungjun knows he means it not as an order but as a plea. “He’s fragile and not good with people like you yet.”

Byungjun grunts out a reply.

“I mean it,” Daewon warns and Byungjun tears his eyes away from his phone to look at him. “If you mess up today you’re going to fix everything.”

“I know, I know. I’ll try to keep my tongue under control today.”

“Can you ever, honestly.” Daewon smiles an amused grin.

Byungjun looks up, almost offended, but with nothing for a comeback. “You’re lame. Shut up.”

***

“Look at you. You’re so thin.” Byungjun’s voice cuts into his skin like a whip.

Byungjun reaches over to circle Sanghyuk’s wrist and he doesn’t even have time to react. “How are you so thin?”   

Byungjun makes a grossed out face and Sanghyuk’s skin prickles. He can feel himself retracting back into himself, and the overwhelming fear of not being good enough presses heavily on him. He really just wants to please everyone. Why can’t he just make everyone happy? Sanghyuk slowly but desperately pulls his arm out of Byungjun’s grasp and rubs the area where fingers had circled around it self-consciously. Something breaks inside him. Shatters into smithereens.

Daewon quickly interjects, breaking down the heavy tension in the air. “Do you want any more pizza?”

Sanghyuk clenches his teeth hard. “Um, no, it’s okay. I – ate in the morning.”

Daewon smiles the gentle smile. “I’ll just leave the pizza in the fridge so you can eat it for breakfast or something, tomorrow. Does that sound okay?”

He nods but Sanghyuk doesn’t eat the pizza at all. He watches as it goes down the chute that night, chest aching with the realization that maybe he will never be as normal as Hongbin wants him to be. Or as normal as any other person.

That night when Hongbin calls, Sanghyuk doesn’t say anything about Byungjun. Hongbin is excited to hear that he hasn’t gotten any night terrors and Sanghyuk can’t bring himself to tell Hongbin that it’s because he hasn’t even been sleeping at all. Not even two hours if he adds up all his rest time.

Sanghyuk was even good enough to think that he was on the way to becoming okay. He was doing so much more than eating his regular meals and even seriously contemplating saying yes to Hongbin whenever he asked if Sanghyuk wants something to eat at odd timings of the day like 3am or 10pm. And now everything is messed up. He let himself get messed up again. When the bricks come collapsing, it takes twice the effort to build them up again.

***

Daewon drops by the next day without Byungjun and Sanghyuk is taken aback, his memory conveniently erasing the fact that he got a call an hour back that Daewon had to pick up something from the apartment. But it's not just that. Daewon has the commanding voice, the deep and mellowed one that always makes Sanghyuk weak at the knees, like he has to kneel. Merely a minute into conversation and Sanghyuk is feeling lightheaded, like he can't focus – or is too focused on one person and one person only. 

 “You’re –” Daewon starts and Sanghyuk’s stomach lurches. The Dom knows something is wrong.

“You’re dropping, aren’t you? Sub-drop?”

He’s – um – he’s heard that before. Maybe…? Something like a sub molding into his submissive role in front of a dom, and. And. And. His mind is getting fuzzier and fuzzier the more Daewon speaks to him. The back of his head tingles like the way it did when Sir wanted him to get something done.

“Ye – Yeah,” His speech is slurry and he’s starting to panic. “I thin – k. Sir. Daewon-ssi.”

He runs his hands down the sides of his face. He feels like he’s touching skin that isn’t on him but he can – he can bring himself up. Don’t panic. You’re alright. You’re fine. Please. Please don’t do this.

Except he isn’t. And Daewon can tell.

“Sanghyuk.” Daewon’s voice is 10 times… no, 20 times more commanding than his usual voice. It overwhelms Sanghyuk. Daewon is a Sir. Not to him, but to Byungjun, at least, and – and he has to listen. He has to listen to every Sir that talks to him – it’s – it’s not allowed to disobey.

“Um – I – I –” Sanghyuk finds himself unconsciously folding his hands and ducking his head, making himself as small as possible. He hates it when his body tells him to do this, to let go and give in to his second instincts like he was made to be a toy.

“Look at me, please.” He chooses his words carefully, tries to smoothen out the angular edges in his voice slowly so that there’s a smooth transition. 

Daewon knows what he’s doing. He’s handled subs that were abused and he knows that he shouldn’t – can’t bring a submissive up from a sub-drop too quickly if not they’ll be disorientated and needy, or in other words, craving for touch. For intimacy. Like latching onto a hot drink after getting out of a storm. But he can’t fulfill Sanghyuk’s needs if that does happen because he doesn’t have permission to do that for Sanghyuk. 

Sanghyuk snaps up but doesn’t look at Daewon – not really. He’s definitely looking at his general direction but it’s almost like he’s staring through him. Like he sees the person he’s looking at in front of him but he’s recognizing someone else.

Then suddenly, almost silently but gracefully, Sanghyuk gets to his knees. He keeps his head down, hands flat next to his ears.