The 9th Beginning

I want to pose a question to you, and ask how you’d feel if you were in love with someone who could never love you back.

I spent the rest of my time in London mulling over that question, glancing at Hyukjun uneasily, feigning happiness, coping with guilt and avoiding the topic of Jessica as vehemently as possible.

What would you do though?

I twirled with the idea of just forgetting about her all together. Pretend that it never happened because Yuri, you do realise that having feelings for your brother’s future wife is extremely immoral.

I did realise.

“I’m going to miss you.” Hyukjun’s words left his lips quietly as he pulled away from the hug.

“It’ll be the wedding soon – you’ll be home in no time.” My mother tried to smile, clutching the handle of her suitcase tightly. She never really was good at goodbyes.

I did not to look into his eyes as we parted ways.

The flight back home was quiet, reflective, as my mother brushed away tears she pretended she wasn’t shedding.

“He looks well, doesn’t he?” She’d said suddenly – reassuring herself in the guise of asking me.

I nodded, choosing to stare down into my lap. “He seems fine.”

Three days after we got back, I passed my driving test. I still hadn’t heard from Jessica. Everything felt…empty.

I tried filling my days up with studying, school and spending time with my friends, but knowing that Hyukjun was halfway around the world, sad and upset, and Jessica was just a few miles away, most likely ashamed of herself, and all of us were just very confused, made life just seem a little pointless.

“Haven’t heard from Jessica in a while.” My dad commented one evening, chewing on some salted peanuts from a bowl on the coffee table.

“I was just thinking that.”

My eyes flickered away from my phone to my parents who were staring absently at the TV. The news reporter drawled on.

“You heard from her, Yul?” My dad asked, picking his beer up from the table.

I put my phone down and shook my head. “No, not really.”

“Maybe you should give her a ring and see if she’s okay? It’s unusual for Jessica to be so distant.” My mother said and I didn’t miss the concern flecked in her pupils.

“Yeah, sure.” I glanced at the time on my phone screen. “She’s probably asleep just now. I’ll call tomorrow.”

But I didn’t call. And I didn’t call the next day either. I just thought about it for a while, staring at my mobile for prolonged amounts of time, just waiting and wishing that it’d be Jessica’s name that’d flash across the screen. But it never did.

“School stress getting you down?” My dad asked, as he went by one morning. “You’re looking a little on the melancholy side.”

“No…uh…I’m fine. Just thinking about something.” I replied, scratching at my nose.

“Want to think aloud?”

“What are you? Ed Sheeran?”

He laughed disposing of his dishes in the sink. “I don’t think I’m ginger enough to be Ed Sheeran just yet.”

“Clearly.”

I watched him silently as she slipped into his coat. It was a weird brown colour and the pockets were always big and bulky with bunches of keys for this and bunches of keys for that and wads of cash for one thing or another. As much as he denied it, I always thought my father had a hoarding problem.

“Dad?”

“Hmm?” He looked at me as he pulled his zip up.

“You know Uncle Panyong?” I started. He paused. “Do you ever wish he was still around?”

His brows raised, confusion in his eyes. Uncle Panyong and/or feelings were not something we spoke of often in my family. “Well…uh…I don’t know, Yul. He screwed us over pretty bad.”

“I know but-…I just mean…you know, if you could’ve kept him in your life…would you have?”

“Uh…” He ruffled his hair and shrugged. “I can’t say.” We fell quiet and he checked his pockets distractedly. Finally, he found his van keys among a million others. He fiddled with them. “Why…why are you asking about your uncle Panyong all of a sudden?”

I lifted and dropped my shoulders. “I guess…I’m…Hyukjun is so far away.” I sighed at the half-truth about to fall from my mouth. “ I guess I’m just wondering whether or not we’ll be close forever…I…uh…I guess I don’t want to lose him.”

“Don’t be silly, Yul.” He said, brushing it off. “What happened between me and Panyong won’t happen to you and Hyukjun, alright? Your mother and I raised the both of you better than that.”

Then he smiled at me, bid me good day, and went on his way. The front door clattered closed and I sat there wondering what he would’ve said if he knew everything that was bubbling underneath the surface, so near to spilling over.

I waited around idly for a while – waiting for what exactly, I wasn’t sure.

I ran my finger across the countertop slowly, recalling soft lips on an early morning and the look on Hyukjun’s face. Everything bothered me. None of it seemed fair.

The thing was…the thing that plagued me was that…Jessica kissed me back. She didn’t hesitate, her arms had slid around my neck, she’d pulled me close, the sun had risen. And Jessica kissed me back. She kissed me back.

I turned it over and over again, for years and years after because- if I was kissed