The 7th Beginning

Jessica in my pajamas that we’re too big for me and definitely too big for her, sitting on my bed, under the covers, playing a game on my phone, was a sight that I never wanted to forget and never did.

“Are you tired?” She asked.

I looked at her, saw that she was wide-awake and decided that my answer to her question would be “No.” even if I was tired.

I flopped myself down beside her with a huff. “What do you want to do?”

She shrugged, glanced at the time as she thought. “We could watch something, if you want.”

“Sure,” I said. And then we scoured the realms of Netflix on my laptop until we found something that would murder our boredom. “Have you ever seen ‘Death Note’?” I asked her.

“No. What is it?” She questioned, looking at me with her brown eyes that only seemed to become deeper the longer you looked.

“It’s an anime,” I replied, looking away. “It’s about this guy who finds this notebook and-“ I stopped, my mouse hovering over the thumbnail. “Actually, I don’t want to spoil it for you.”

“Haven’t you already seen it though?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, a long time ago. I don’t mind watching it again.”

Jessica didn’t need much convincing – I’d like to think it was because she trusted my judgment. We sat there for a god-knows-how-long, watching at least ten episodes, with our shoulders almost touching.

When the theme song of the 11th episode commenced, Jessica let out a yawn.

“I think that’s enough Death Note.” I said with a smile as I watched her. She nodded, and I shut the lid of my computer with a click.

“You tired?”

“No,” She answered. “Just dehydrated.” She placed my laptop at the foot of the bed and stood. “Let’s go get water.”

I looked at her lazily. “Why do I have to come?”

“Because it’s late and dark and…it’s weird going around someone else’s house as if it’s your own.”

I looked up at her. “It’ll be your house too, soon enough.”

Her gaze softened a little in the lamplight, and she flexed her fingers. “C’mon, don’t be a knob.”

Not wanting to be a knob, I put my hand in hers and she pulled me off the bed. And through the dark hallways we moved, turning on the hall light before making our way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Despite what I’d said earlier about this being Jessica’s home soon, watching her move around the kitchen without a single ounce of effort, the fact that she knew where the cups and plates were kept, the fact that she knew how long to run the water to make sure it was cold enough, the fact that she knew I only drank from big glasses because the smaller ones never quite quenched my thirst properly, was strange to say the least.

Standing there with my cold feet and my worn-out t-shirt that my dad had gotten for free from the ‘Monster’ energy drink representative, I realized two things, rather suddenly and rather stupidly: One, that Jessica looked as though she belonged there, – sipping water in our kitchen, or maybe curled up on our sofa watching some critically-acclaimed movie, or even sitting at the dining table talking about fireflies as if they were her upmost passion, or laying in my bed and asking me what I thought the point of this enigma of a life was – like she just simply fitted into the middle of all the other interlocking puzzle pieces of mine and my family’s life. And, two, I realized that Jessica was going to marry Hyukjun, that she was going to become part of this family and I’d never be anything more to her than a sister-in-law. And no matter which way I tried to flip the thought around and change my perspective, the idea made me, maybe slightly, very sad.

We ended up back in my room, lying on my bed with nothing but thoughts between us - a glass of still water on the bedside cabinet.

“Yuri,” She called after a moment.

“Yeah?”

“Why do you love ‘The Great Gatsby’ so much?”

Our eyes met through the yellowish hum of the lamp’s light.

“I just…like it.” I answered with an uplift of my shoulders. “The whole book is written like a really long poem. Fitzgerald’s way of writing was really…beautiful. Here,” I got off the bed, went to my bookshelf and took The Great Gatsby from its place. “There are a lot of amazing quotes but…just listen to this one.” I flicked through the pages as I made my way back to sit on the mattress in front of her, and stopped at the lines highlighted in luminescent pink, and began to read aloud. “’But his heart was in a constant, turbulent riot. The most grotesque and fantastic conceits haunted him in his bed at night. A universe of ineffable gaudiness spun itself out in his brain while the clock ticked on the washstand and the moon soaked with wet light his tangled clothes upon the floor.’” My voice stopped, it’s remnants reverberating into the silent room.

Jessica stared at me for a while, her eyes soft and searching as she looked through the light at my awaiting figure.

“I think I’m going to read this book.” She said after some time, a gentle, understated smile on her glossy lips. “What’s it actually about?”

I closed the book in my hands and looked at her. “I suppose…in the most general definition…it’s about the failure of the American dream, told through Nick’s eyes and Gatsby’s story.”

We ended up watching the movie version and afterward she asked me if Daisy ever loved Gatsby, I said, “Yeah, I think she did. But her hedonistic lifestyle meant more to her than Gatsby ever did.” Or something like that.

Her expression drew into a thoughtful one as she laid flat on her back, arms spread, staring at the ceiling.

“I think I get it now.” She said.

“Get what?”

“Why you like The Great Gatsby so much.”

I would’ve asked her what exactly she got, because I didn’t even really know what my attraction to The Great Gatsby was. But some things just are, aren’t they.

I looked on at Jessica as she slipped under my covers. As she laid back, I remember thinking that it was my side that she was about to fall asleep on, and I would’ve said something if it were someone else, but it wasn’t someone else. It was Jessica.

I had the realization at that point that Jessica was now nestling up in a special place in my beating heart, and it scared me – because once a place in the heart has been built, one cannot simply tear it down, it shall forever remain there in one way or another, growing or shrinking, but always there.

After my head hit the pillow, we spoke for a long time, about a lot of unimportant things, watching the shadows dimin