Work could be the source of happiness and mourned at the same time. Just like now. It's worse than a demanding girlfriend. I love the stage, the attention. I like to sing and dance, but sometimes after drenched in sweat and panted hard, legs gave up for too much dancing, I started to re-think if this all worth it.

"Hey, birthday boy. What are you doing sulking here all alone?" I turned my head to the voice and found my band-mates, Cheondoong and Minki, both having their way to my bubble of silence. I smiled at them.

"Just resting," I said and gulped down from my bottle.

Cheondoong sat next to me and handed me a brown paper back. "Wow, thanks hyung!" I tried to sound excited as I received his gift and rummaged through it. He gave me the latest series of comic book I've been reading. I leaned in to kiss his cheek as gratitude. Cheondoong chuckled and ruffled my hair.

"Happy birthday, Mir."

"Really, you are 26 now but you still act like a child," I heard my other band-mate, Minki jokingly said next to Cheondoong. I stick my tongue out to him. He laughed his melodic laughter. The sound reached my ear, made me smile too. He passed my a white box with red ribbon.

I took the gift carefully and opened the lid, to find an elegant bottle of perfume lied inside. I took it out, sprayed some to my direction and sniffed the scent. "It's good, thank you, Minki hyung. You are forever my favorite."

I laughed when the two hyungs argued on who's my most favorite. My eyes travelled back to the view outside from our window. It's become a habit. A stupid hope that certain someone will show up. The stupid hope didn't vanish even after four years passed. Each day, each ing day, I looked out to see if he will show with his grin plastered on. And for the last 4 years, it reminded a hope.

When he decided to leave, he leaves for good.

"Mireeeeuu," sang voice broke my bubble of thought. I looked at G.O who ran toward me and gave me a bear hug. I circled my arms around him, looked at Seungho behind G.O. He shook his head at his friend's childish antics but he smiled at me warmly. I replied to that smile. Even though I'm smiling, it feels like my heart's bleeding. It needs us a tragic story of 4 years grieving to come into this term.

It took me 4 years of broken heart to deal with what I have now.

Seungho gave me his gift, which turned out a good watch. I thanked him and wore the watch. They jokingly teased Seungho about his preference that earned a not so light punch from him.

"So what's your gift, G.O hyung?"

G.O and I shared a look. He smiled warmly at me and ruffled my hair with a motherly touched. The touch that always success to calm me, to make me feel safe and strong. His warm hug each night helped me to put myself together. "Mireu will buy anything he desires with my card," I heard G.O said.

Once again I searched for his eyes. The calm and steady eyes that reassure me all over again. I almost smile with his words. Since about four years ago, he decided it will be the best if I buy my own gift from him. His last preference made me cry a river that really shocked him. It's not his fault really, all he does just gave me a bouquet of dozen roses. The bouquet that triggered my memory about another bouquet. A bouquet that mixed of red tulips and sunflowers.

After that day G.O helps me to take a grip of myself. He listened my heart. He patiently rubbed my back and dried my tears. He kept me sane. G.O came to my room every time I have a bad dream about him, about Joon. The phrase you only realize how precious someone after you lost them is exactly true. I've learnt it in the harshest way. The agony is still inside my heart. The guilty expression on his face whenever he saw me, his pleading, all haunted me.

Eventually G.O knows much about Joon. He shared all he knows with me. He told me about all the long suffer Joon'd been, how he takes all the blame and put it on his shoulders. G.O told me how careful Joon takes care of me, treats me like I'm vulnerable, and guards me with his self as a shield. Joon that cried when I was mad at him because of the kiss, broken hearted when I stupidly talked about my crush, crumpled when I went into hospital.

G.O's stories made me to see a whole new side of Joon. A side that he strictly hid from me. Side that he afraid will hurt me. I see a man that loves me too much that I can't find it on any men. I feel love that fill me, belong to me no matter I want it or not. Love that I wasted countless times but still soar strongly. I see Joon, who keeps smiling even when I broke his heart, who keeps cheering me, even when I stomp his feeling, and takes it for granted.

It crush me down to pieces when I knew how suffered he had been. When G.O told me how he spent every night crying for me, begging my forgiveness, blaming his self for being in love. He blames his self for the crack in our relationship, everyday punishes his self for kissed me once. I wonder why he can’t see that it’s me who shattered out relationship into dust.

The saddest part is when I realized I would never know all of this right from his mouth. The saddest part is that now I can’t do anything to even make it better.

The early time when he left, I can’t function properly. I felt lost without his constant present despite my despised for him. When I realized it’s me that made him leave, I felt angry. I’m angry at him, angry at his unused feeling for me. Things will become easy if he doesn’t develop such a troublesome feeling for me, or so do I believe. Once again I blamed him for the situation where we are now. Like I said before, it’s always easier to blame someone than yourself.

And like an arrogant bastard that I am, I ignored him. I shut all my feeling, all my thought about him, pretended that he doesn’t exist from the first time. The rest of the member all felt lost without Joon too. More than once they force the agency to search on him, begs for Joon to come back as a part of MBLAQ. They don’t go anywhere, though, since Joon never leave a trace. He really leaves for good, didn’t bother to leave his new phone number and address. Also, agency actually can’t do much, because Joon clearly stated that he won’t come back.

I laughed at them behind their back, told myself they’re stupid for hoping. They want someone that just threw them, how stupid it can be? Each time passed my anger subdued and I become ignorant, lifeless. I get used to the ignorant part, but I never get used for the emptiness that I felt along the way. Soon I grew frustrate. I felt lonely in the middle of crowd. I’ve awaken every night after dreamt about Joon. I started to search on his present. I went to his old house just to see a stranger that now live in there. I tried to dial his old number that never connected.

Frustration grew into depression and I realized I’ve missed him. I miss his warm present. I miss his bright and gentle smile, I miss the way he pronounced my name, I miss all of him. Dreams become wilder. I saw flashback of the last days he spent with me. I dreamt about when he protected me from falling at hospital. I remembered those bruises that he got from the impact yet he still checking on me, worried over me.

I had a flashback about how he always smile when I finished my meal at hospital. How there’s an insecure and fear in his eyes whenever he had to leave me. I tended to ignore it before but when I realized I missed him, it became vivid in my mind. I wondered if he already plan on leaving when he accompanied me night by night at hospital. He always keeps his guard up, never allow me to take a peak from inside his heart.

I’m at the brink of break down when agency announced that Minki will replace Joon in MBLAQ. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I’m not ready to change. I’m not ready to get reminded that Joon’s truly leave. I’m not ready to face my guilt, to acknowledge, name, and make it life.

 Minki is nice. He’s a hard worker and a good dancer, but he can’t replace Joon. Minki suffered from the pressure that fans gave. They all miss Joon. Minki craved for acknowledge, something that I familiar at the early era of MBLAQ. I can empathy to his condition and decided to accept him as a new part of family. He would never replace Joon, but he can makes his own place.

Minki got punched in the face by me not so long after. It’s on the same day when Joon’s birthday. His first birthday that I celebrate without the celebrant. I terribly missed him that night that I cried and poured my feeling for the first time. Minki tried to cheer me. He said that I don’t need to waste my precious tears over someone that irresponsible and has a heart to leave his family. I never one to use violent but that time I did. I’m not ashamed to say I enjoyed it. He might be have a good intention but no one can talk about Joon that way. If only I could treat all those fans-turn-to-haters the same.

After the blow I practically screamed to shut the up in front of his face. I leave him right after. Later at night G.O came to my room and talked to me. Why you bother so much when someone bad mouth Joon? You hate him anyway. That’s when I realized I don’t have him. I don’t hate him and I never did.

Joon was once my favorite brother, later then I know he always be my most favorite brother. That night I released all my feeling. I cried and told G.O I missed Joon. I missed him so much it hurt. G.O patiently rubbed my back and said that he missed Joon too.

Shared with G.O somehow helped me to get better. I still missed Joon but I learnt how to push those feeling aside to be able to function properly. I devoted my life for job, drawn myself to them. Minki came and asking for my forgiveness, said that he didn’t have any right to judge. I forgave him and we are fine again.

It needs me a little more time to realize that I actually grow indescribable feeling for Joon. It needs me lot of courage (more than the one to acknowledge my guilt) to acknowledge that I’ve actually known it for a long time before. I know it, yet I shut my eyes and pretend that I don’t know. The symptoms are bolder every day. I can’t stay and close my eyes forever. The beautiful red roses that G.O gave me was the last straw.

When G.O told me how madly Joon in love with me, how wild yet pure his love heard, I can’t help but crazily regret of not letting myself fall into his waiting arms.

And now he decided that he’s waited too long and it’s time to stop and leave. To continue lives and move forward, leaves the immovable me. My love broken even before it has a chance to bloom. But this time, I can’t even pretend to accuse other, because it solely is my fault. His leaving broken my heart, yet relief my guilt. Somehow it’s relieving, knowing that finally, he tries to break free and continues life. Somehow, I hope that he can grab his own happiness, like how he tried to give me one. That’s the main reason why I stopped search for him, why everyone also consider my reason and stop altogether. I owe him at least a chance, a choice to live his life. I stopped searching, but I can’t stop hope.

Once in a while, I buy myself red tulips and sunflowers. Those flowers cheered me up, reminded me that someone did care for me once. Someone that put me first over anything. The flower itself is shout his heart. A pure and eternal love. If only I stopped myself in the past and look at him. The regret reminds, but it completes me. It prevented me to feel lifeless. I live with grief but it’s a luxury than feel empty. To count the steps he took to leave me, to torture my soul by each memory I have about him. The pain keeps me sane, keeps my heart from void of emotion.

A loud flicked on my forehead subdued my mind and brought me to the present. “Ouch!” I cried.

“Stop daydreaming, let’s go home then get ready to celebrate. It’s not polite to make them all waiting,” G.O nagged.

A sour smile came through my lips. No, it’s not all. That one person isn’t there. He won’t be there. But I still stood up and walked home together with them. In the van, I could feel their worried glance over me, especially from Minki. There’s no way they don’t know who I’m thinking about. They always know. I’m too tired to hide that I care, that I love him with every breath that I take. I suppressed that feeling once and look where it gets me.

The van made a turn to the left and I could see the florist shop with the merry of it flowers. Another pang shot my heart when I saw bunch of tulips and a warm glow of sunflowers. The view brings me to say a word that I didn’t realize I want to say.

“Stop.”

Every single person looked at me, even the driver watched me through the rear mirror. “Mir?” Minki asked.

“I need to buy something. Please stop the car.”

The van pulled over and finally came to stop.  I took my wallet and hat for disguise, then walked out of the van. The cold win hit my face but I felt alive. I could inhale the air, freeing me from suffocated.

“I’ll meet you guys later,” I said, put the hat on my head and was about to shut the door closed when Minki covered my hand in his.

He looked at me straight in the eyes. “Do you want me to go with you?”

His eyes warmth with care and love. Those magical orbs pled me to stay, pled me to allow them to come and strive me . Minki as I said before, is a good man. He helped me through the worst part of my life. He bandaged my wound. He wanted me to heal.

But I can’t. I can’t take his hand and continue my life. I can’t pulled off my mask and stay for him to look at me. I can’t heal. I don’t want to heal. He bandaged my wound, but he can’t erase the scar. He can’t erased the pain that I felt whenever I touch the scar. He can’t make me forget that the scar is right there, claim me.

He wanted to fulfill me, but I’m empty. He can’t fill me, I can’t allow him. I’ve been lying to my feeling all the time, I won’t lie again now.

“No,” I said firmly. “I will be there in an hour.”

I shut the door closed and walked away. I could see the hurt look I inflicted to those caring eyes. I hate myself to hurt him again, to hurt someone that so kind again. But it’s better this way. He deserves someone’s better. He deserves someone that could give him all of theirs, something that I can’t.

I continued walking with my head down to protect myself from the cold wind. I still thought about those hurtful eyes that I know will haunt me at night. I sighed. Why I always hurt anyone?

The bumped on my right shoulder cut my thought of as I stumbled back. A firm hand held me straight, prevented me from falling. The contact made me somewhat shivered. A sunglasses fell next to my feet. I’ve just about to bend down and put that thing up but the man is quicker. He bowed and took his shades.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t pay attention.”

Those voice made me freeze. No way. It felt familiar, way too familiar. I need to look up, I need to confirm whose voice is this. I need to know, but my body refused my command. I felt chained down.

“Mir?” those voice heard again, now sounding shock.

Finally, my body obeyed and I looked up, only to meet another pair of eyes. Those eyes… God know how many times do I wish to see those eyes again. The strong new sensation overwhelmed me and I can’t do anything to prevent myself to look at him eagerly. His eyes, his nose, his cheek, why it sunken so much? It’s pale too. His lips… are not as red as I remember. It’s pale, but still lips that once tasted like honey.

“Joon,” I mustered weakly after a good moment of silence. He’s under a quite disguised, with the shades before, the thick coat and scarf that covered half of his face. But there’s no way I’m wrong. I saw him too many times. I saw him even with closed eyes, I saw him in all my dreams.

We both fell into another silence. His eyes bored to mine, reading it as easy as read an open book through the shadow of the hat I wore. I read him just the same, scanning those dark orbs that held so much miseries. But he always good at hiding things. He always deceive me with those warm glow, with those gentle smile at his lips. How many unbearable pains he kept from me? How many times he pretend that he’s okay? How many times he took all my insult and keeps take care of me? How many times he protects me? Tears gathered in my eyes, but I didn’t cry. Having him right in front of me dull any other feeling.

“How have you been?” he said softy.

Dying. I’m broken every time passed. I lost, and never hate myself this great. “Fine,” I said at last with choked sound. “What about you?”

And the smile that used to deceive me countless time is up again. It’s as mesmerizing as the last time I remember. It stirred my heart, lost me once again. “I’m better now.”

A lot of questions I want to ask him. Are you really alright? Why are you become so thin? Are you happy now? Are you angry at me? Can you forgive me? Will you go and leave again? Will you forgive me? Do you know how much I wish to see you? But I can’t bring myself to ask those questions.

“I don’t know you are in Korea.”

“I have work to do here,” he said slowly, tried to read me again. Joon traced all part of my body as if he can’t help himself from doing so. I couldn’t help from doing the same. I still need to know if this is all real.

“Then I remember today is your birthday,” his soft voice brought my attention back to his eyes. His lips curved into another light smile that looked guilty in my eyes. “Happy birthday, Mireu.”

A new wave of sensation drown me. His soft voice, the way he affectionately called my name. Did he always call me this way? I could feel my hands trembling by the new sensation I feel. I can’t name it. It’s too strong for me even to understand. My body all shaken up by the harsh raw feeling that dominated me inside. The wounds within me started to bleed and still, I don’t know what to do.

“You’re shivering,” he stated. He undid the scarf on his neck and slowly approached me, put the scarf on my neck. “You always forget to use one,” he said with a light smile as he adjusted his scarf on my neck. I could smell his scent that linger on his scarf and it soothe me but at the same time burnt me. Joon gave a last touch and dropped his hand off the scarf.

"I don't really have something to give, but I think you will like this." Slowly, he took something from his pocket on his coat and hold it into tight grip. Even slower, he drifted his gaze to mine, studied my expression with worried. I stay still until he opened his palm and shown me what's inside. It's a small glass bottle. Inside the bottle are petals. Red petals, tulip.

Love.

Tears gathered in my eyes and I need to blink profusely to clear my visions. I heard he gasped. "Mir?" he called in a thin air. The next thing I know, I took steps further and brought my arms around him, rested my head on the crook of his neck. My hat fell off in the process but I don’t care. His breath hitched and he tensed under my touch. I could feel his rapid heartbeat against mine.

"No, please don't cry," he whispered shakily. His hand my back lightly, just like butterflies. "What's wrong? You don't like it?"

I can't brought myself to answer. Emotions choked me down, I can’t merely think straight. His voice, his warmth, his touch are blinding my sense. All I could do just buried my head on his shoulder and wetted his shirt.

"No, please, I'm sorry," he pled. "I'm sorry. Please stop crying."

I shook my head as a sign for him, but I can't bring myself to speak. Joon, as usual, motionless and allowed me to use him as a shield. After some moments, his hand combed my hair tenderly, as if he afraid a little pressure will break me. It felt so soft that my heart paused from beating.

"Did I do something wrong again?" he murmured lightly. His hand my hair in calm manner that relaxed me. "What can I do to make you feel better?"

Another minutes of silence until I could find my voice again. "You leave," I stated.

His body tensed and he detached himself of me, looked at me right in the eyes. He searched for something in my eyes. I can tell by the frown on his forehead as I looked back at him. "Is this what bothering you?" he asked carefully. "Don't worry, I won't do anything. I will go right back to Japan when my work finished here. I won't cause you any problem." Even when he said that, his eyes flickered with pain. The sorrow that he tried to hide from me again.

When he drifted his eyes back at me, the pain disguised by a small smile on his lips. A smile that forced. Smile of tiredness that I've seen countless times before. "Well, I better get goin-"

"I've missed you."

His eyes blinked twice and he looked at me with confused looking face. Once again his eyes searched for something within me. “I’ve missed you,” I repeated. Joon closed his eyes and took a step back.

I took one step closer to fill the gap. I opened my mouth to convince him but he beat me. “Don’t say something like that.”

Tilted my head in confuse, I reached out for his hand. His body tensed again when I held him. “Why?”

 Joon opened his eyes and looked anywhere except my direction. A clear ashamed and guilt shown at his face. “Because I might get the wrong idea,” he whispered weakly. He looked down to our join hand, ever so lightly brushed his thumb at the back of my hand. Right after he froze and he looked like as if he just done something that banned. It dug my heart and scattered it when I saw how scared his face was.

“It’s been a long time since I heard from you, let alone saw you,” I said. I didn’t really mind that I told him right away about my deepest heart. Anything to erase that contorted with pain expression. “I really miss you. Don’t you feel the same?”

It’s my turn to feel insecure when his dark orbs travelled to mine. I almost regretted my question, but I stubbornly waiting for his answer. I should know. 4 years is not a short time. I won’t blame him if he moved on pass me. Everyone will do that too. But I can’t lie to myself that there’s a part of me wish he hasn’t. I wish for him to keep hold on to me. I’m selfish I know, but I can’t help if there’s nothing I want more. “You don’t?” I pushed.

“I-I miss you too,” he said honestly.

His answer brought two opposite reaction in me. My knees weak for the relief I feel. At the same time, his voice that seemed so guilty pierced my heart. He looked so weak and vulnerable, like a little kid that I just want to protect him. I brought him into my arms and held him there.

***

I inhaled a sharp breath. It felt as if there was a stone that pressed me down before. His scent, I almost went wild by the familiar feeling that bombarded me. God, oh God, I have him exactly in my arms. Is it another dream? Whatever, I don’t want to wake up.

But his scent, his warmth, his breath on my neck, it’s real. My mind won’t be able to portray him this perfect. He’s here, he’s here.

And he said he missed me.

I felt like a high school girl that finally able to see her crush, feeling all jumpy and nervous. Need my best control to not to jump on him and... I don’t know, kiss? I‘m sure as hell want to kiss those pink lips. And thanks to whoever in charge, I still stick to the ground. I don’t do anything stupid, yet. The painful memory of the last 4 years haunted me all of sudden, invaded my mind like an intruder.

Let out another shaky breath to release myself from the sudden pain, I bury my head to inhale his fruity smelled hair. The wave of strawberry scent keeps me sane, bring me back to now. I almost laugh. Even after 4 years, he still the reason for both my pain and happiness, my cure and sickness.

How can this be? Even after 4 years, my love isn’t die. No, the moment I saw him again, it’s just renewed. It proven to me that he always own me, no matter how hard I tried to deny, to ignore it. No matter what I do. What should I do? Even ran away from him doesn’t enough. How can I conquer this?

It’s like a terrible faith that I can’t win from the beginning. But it’s not the point. The point is I don’t want to win either. I stood there sweetly, allowed him to own me, to place his claw on me. I’m more than happy to let him do that. Gosh, I sounded like sick person. Mir would run away if he heard how insane my thought.

But I always know I’m insane. Yeah it must be it. There’s no logic explanation why I still feel love, still have hope even after four years of desperation. 4 years, for God sake, didn’t I even learn? I still hope to touch the untouchable. I still have a hope to love someone that clearly devastated the idea. I still wish to hold him and never let go, just like this.

Either I’m insane, or just a plain fool.

Mir slowly lifted his head and our eyes met for the nth times today. My first instinct is to avoid the eye contact, a reflex that I’ve trained long time ago. But this time I didn’t. I let myself to look inside those warm eyes, searching any sign of uncomfortable, sign of sorrow and pain. I need to know how he is. The need to know whether he’s alright all this time washed over me like a gigantic wave, too strong to ignore.

He looked back at me without blink, without tear his gaze away. He let me take a clear look. My heart sank when I clearly saw how fragile he looked. Beneath those thick coat, he still so thin. I can feel all his bone with my hand. His waist is so small. And his eyes, his eyes shine with tiredness. The glow of liveliness I always see before is dying, almost gone. Did he work too hard? He always the one who pushed himself very hard. Did he has a good rest every day?

Without really noticing, I cupped his cold cheeks with my own hands. “Are you really alright?”

My question brought another tears from his eyes. I felt guilty that I make him cry again today. Even after 4 years passed, it still the same. I still the one who make him cry. The view clenched my heart and tightened the chain around monster inside me that growl loudly.

Can’t you see that?! I asked myself harshly. Look how fragile he is, look how easily you could hurt him! No, listen to me! You can’t have him. You can’t! Don’t you dare to break him even more with your hand! Don’t you dare to even think about it!

And for the first time in my life, I really shut the insatiable part of me. I’m in the middle of overjoy over my ability to put a lace on those madness I have when Mir asked me something that I never thought he would ask.

“Have you ever ask yourself the same?”

The attack is too sudden for me to get prepare. I just could look at him quizzically, unsure of what to do and how to respond to his question. I could see his gaze slowly changing. It’s not unreadable that I feared of before. It’s not that vulnerable either. It’s strong and fix on me. He scanned into me, stripped me under his fixate gaze. And I can’t help but drown into those mesmerizing eyes.

“Why don’t you ask yourself whether you really alright with all of this Joonie?” he elaborated slowly.

The tenderness of his voice, the fond calling of my name, it’s as if I never leave. It’s as if all of this never happen and I never leave him, leave MBLAQ here. He called me by my stage name. The name that I technically don’t use anymore. He called me ‘Joonie’, pet name that I grew fond of. And all I could think of just how sorry I feel to leave. I wonder how they took the news. I wonder if they could understand and forgive me. I’ve watched how chaos the situation when I left. MBLAQ came into destruction. Fans turns into haters, haters dance in joy, company suffers to cover all from media, and all members, my family, went under such a horrible experience. I’ve destroyed the balance in our group.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured in shame, casted my eyes low on the ground.

His slender fingers came under my chin and lifted up my face to once again saw his animated eyes that always a window to his soul. He looks guilty, for the unknown reason to me. He smiled a small smile that doesn’t convincing at all.

“That’s not what I want you to say, hyung,” he said softly. He glanced sideways to the bench and held my hand. “Let’s take a seat, shall we? We have a lot of to catch on.”

The rational side of me screamed dangerous. The alarm inside me loudly ringing, warned me to stay away. It’s not good. I can’t be with him for too long. It’s hard enough just to meet Mir here now, it will be unbearable to seat and talk. At such a close range where there’s just us, I don’t think I can believe myself. What if I hurt him? Just a little time I spent with him earlier already affect me terribly. I uncontrollably held him, touch him. What will happen if I stay a little longer? I can’t take the risk.

“Hyung?” his calling snapped me to reality and I met straight with his uncertain eyes. I can see his other hand clutched to bottle glass I gave him tightly. His fingers shaking and turn white. He nervously bit his bottom lip. His beautiful eyes looked at me as if he’s pleading.

Just like the old time, I can’t bring myself to say no. I can’t ever say no to him, I can’t just ignore his request. The need to fulfill Mir’s wish is too strong, shut all the rational up. I found myself nodded and followed him to seat on a cold and slightly wet bench near the abandoned park.

It’s a good thing that the snow falls down heavily. It’s cold up to my bones but there’s only a few passerby. Nobody recognized us yet. I don’t think it’s good to show the media about our meet today. We don’t need another scandal and speculation.

Next to me Mir is so quiet. He didn’t even look at me. Only lifted his head up and stared at the gray sky, let the snow fell to his face and melt. I’m as nervous as him, didn’t find a courage to break the silent between us. My heart racing very fast, my mind’s restless, thinking about what I should do.

After continuous foot tapping for quite a while, I suddenly feel calm. I almost slap myself because feel so nervous before. Silly me. I don’t have all time in the world, and I use this very limited time to become nervous and busy with my own thought. Maybe I only have one hour left. One precious hour just for us. Why should make things complicated? I should just feel this moment. Feel the way he looks at me, feel the harsh and loud beating of my heart whenever his scent hit me.

Just for this hour, the world could wait. The cruel fact that I don’t deserve this, that it will vanish and slip through my fingers aren’t matter anymore. For the next one hour, I just want to be an old friend. An old friend that reunion with his friend after a long time. My feelings and how he feels about me aren’t relevant anymore. I don’t want to think about it now. And just like that I push it aside. I push my obsession, my needs, my unbearable love and my desire for him. Left me with a pure longing of missing him.

As if he could touch my thought, Mir became calm and steady beside me. When his eyes finally landed on me, I gave him a little smile. A smile that I don’t make up. Just a carefree smile like I gave him long time ago. His breath hitched but I held him with my gaze, pleading him to just forget about anything. It might be a big request for me to ask, but I pushed that thought away soon as it emerged. I’ll think about it later. He seemed understand because he asked me such a simple question.

“What you do now?”

“I do a little acting and modelling for magazines,” I answered, watching in amuse how cold wind play with his brunette hair.

He nodded in understanding. “You always like to act,” he said, eyes travelled far away. I wonder where he goes. There’s a fond laced in his voice, told me that maybe he wandered to the old times.

“I can’t let go the feeling of acting on stage,” I confessed, drew his eyes back on me. “I feel good when I act.”

Mir gave me such a sweet smile that if I could, I would bottle it up for my only eyes to see. “You do look good when you act.”

The compliment warmed up my cheeks. He laughed when he saw my cheeks flamed. Nevertheless, his laugh made me smile too. How long it had been since the last time I heard his laughter? God, I miss him so much.

“How’s MBLAQ?” I asked after another moment of silent.

“We’ll manage,” he said, assured me. “It’s chaotic when you leave, but we try our best to unity again, and let’s say we did it.” He patted my knee softly. “You don’t have to worry.”

This is the topic that we can’t avoid anymore. I can’t hold the guilty I feel any longer. “I’m sorry,” I said for nth times today.

Mir’s warm eyes pierced back at me, patiently waited for me to finish what I’m about to say. “For leaving,” that came out as a whisper. “For disappear so sudden without telling everyone before.”

“Everyone is upset when you’re gone,” he said softly. There’s no judgment there, only fact. “We don’ know what to do without you. I feel angry, lost, I feel lot of emotion at the same time that I don’t know what to feel anymore. We all do.”

“But that’s not the point here,” he added, made me abruptly looked at him. “The point is the reason you left, isn’t it?”

He waited for me to answer, to explain, but I stayed still. No, he can’t find out about it. I won’t hurt him again.

“Joonie,” his called broke me from my thought. “Why did you leave?”

Just lie, my thought command. Yeah, I should’ve just lied and came out with something safe. Then I realized I never lie to him. I could lie to the whole world, even to myself, but not with him. Our relationship is far from perfection. It filled with crestfallen, sorrow, and pain, but never with lie. Honesty, is the one that left, the one that I try to protect.

“You know why,” I replied weakly. Defeated.

“Tell me,” he whispered softly, hand still on my knee. His voice is warm and gentle. It caressed my ear endearingly. I want to remember this voice, not the cold and empty voice he used back then. I want to hear it forever, playing it all over again in my mind to wash the memory about the cold voice before.

I took a deep breath before mustered my courage and looked him in the eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

He blinked but didn’t show me a sign of shock. He knew. I know he knew it all along, the reason why I’ve left them behind. I broke in a cold sweat. Worried, too much worried. I’m terrified. I should go now, before I regret it. I should go while I still can.

“Will you hurt me if you stay?”

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. Let him know. Mir needs to know. So he could run away. So he could hide and stay away from me. He needs to know how dangerous I am to him. “I don’t have a good control.”

“Over what?” he asked carefully, as if he’s having a conversation with a delicate boy. Maybe that’s what I am, a fragile boy. “Why you have to hold back that strongly?”

“I can’t answer that,” I said few minutes later. I didn’t realize I bit my bottom lip too hard until it started to feel numb.

He fiddled beside me. His whole gesture is tense again. I regretted not to try to answer with a better answer. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean it like that.”

Mir shook his head. “It’s not what I want you to say,” he said. Those eyes looked at me as if he is pleading. I would give him anything if only I know what he asked for. But I just can’t understand. “When exactly I could hear that from your mouth?” he whispered before he slowly leaned in and kissed my forehead.

The touch of his lips were as light as butterfly but it shook me down to the core nevertheless. I even forgot how to breathe for a brief second. I can’t move until he leaned back to his original position, eyes as uncertain as mine.

His cheeks redden, just exactly as mine, decided by the heat on it. His hand lingered at my cheek and I need to continuously remind myself that this is real. His touch burnt me, in the way I like it, too like it. “How could you protect me that much, even from my own stubbornness?”

Before I could react and do much of open my mouth, he cut me off. “I should be the one who say sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t hurt you that much, I shouldn’t let you took all the blame. I’m so sorry for making you leave. I’m sorry for take all away from you.”

Tears glistening on his eyes yet he still the most beautiful person I ever see. He cried and kept telling me how sorry he was, for being so ignorant, for hurting me, for all that happened in the last 4 years. He can’t even point out what more he needed to apologize, he just kept going on. It shattered my heart all over again each time tear fell from his eyes. I can’t even concentrate on what he is talking about. All I could see just his tears.

That’s why I didn’t see it coming when he leaned in once again and pressed his lips on mine. It just as light as a moist that I’m afraid I just imagine thing. Then like a flashback, I remembered the first time we kissed, the first time I tasted those honey lips. Am I dead? This must be heaven.

I can’t even closed my eyes. It happened so quick that I can’t think how to react. He looked back at me carefully, hands shaky at my side of face. “What do you feel?” he asked, almost afraid and rigid when I could only looked at him blankly.

“Do you still feel the same like before, when you kissed me years ago?”

What I feel? I feel…delighted, ecstatic. I feel alive. No, it’s different with my feeling the first time I kissed him. Now is ten thousands stronger than before. I felt like there’s a giant butterfly on my stomach. My heart beat so fast that I almost can’t feel it anymore. I feel lightheaded. Can’t even think of how wrong it is, when my mind just repeatedly remembered the sensation.

“Joonie?”

The light called snapped me back and I looked straight to his teary eyes. It clenched my heart to see. My vision got blurry at the same time. How can this be wrong when it feels so right?

Mir shook his head. “No, please don’t say something like that. It’s not wrong,” he said and I realized I spoke my mind loudly. He looked at me with tear stained face and still, he’s still so beautiful that I’m afraid I could taint him just by looking at him. “What do you feel?” he repeated.

After the deadly silent, I said the truth. “I feel alive.”

He sighed in relief. “So do I. And it’s not wrong. It’s never wrong.” His warm hand my cheek lovingly, erased my tears that came along. It just drew another tears from my eyes. This warm… I missed it so much, I dreamt about it too much for me to count. I’m so afraid this is just another dream, a very bad dream and I will wake up, lost all of it again in the end.

“I don’t want to lose you again,” he whispered. I closed my eyes when reality strike me hard.

That he feels guilty about my leave. He thought this all his fault, that he’s the one who responsible for all of this. And he tries to fix it. He tries to give me what I want. He tries to surrender and let me have him, then broke him. He’ll withering in pain, just like those in my dreams.

I opened my eyes again and forced out a smile. “You don’t have to do this,” I said slowly, covered his hand that on my cheek and tried hard not to lean into his touch. God, I can’t be weak now. “Don’t feel sorry, none of this is your fault.”

It needed a few intake of deep breath before I could continue on. I can’t let myself think about his offer. No, I can’t be tempted. It will kill him. I will kill him. Mir is forbidden. He is forbidden. I can’t have him. I can’t.

How can you refuse something that you dying to have?

No, he just confuse. He didn’t realize how dangerous I could be. Mir doesn’t realize what I can do to hurt him. He doesn’t want to lose me, but not in the same way as my deepest desire. I just caught the wrong idea, like usual.

“This is all because of me. I’m just selfish and purely insane. Don’t feel guilty for any of it.”

Mir opened his mouth to protest but I cut him. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want to have any connection with you. If you- if you maybe, somehow need me, we can be friend like we used to. I remember you like to tell me everything in your mind when we were friend. I’m happy to be your friend. I want to be your friend again. I promise I’ll be careful so I won’t make the same mistake again.”

He shook his head and I didn’t have enough time to analyze what I feel before he spoke again. “I don’t want you to be anything I need. You have to stop that. I want you to be everything you want to be.”

“You don’t know what you asked for. You just confuse.”

“I’m not!” he defended. His sudden rise of voice startled me. I looked at him confusedly as he removed my hand from his and he looked so fierce. He took my face with both his hands and forced me to look at him, as if it necessary since all I look is only him.

As sudden as it emerged, his fierceness was gone, replaced by a sad desperation that killed him from the inside. His tears fell and wet my hand since he leaned closer to me. “Why can’t you stop thinking so low of yourself? I want you, not because you have to be someone that I need. I want you because it’s you. Why can’t you believe that?”

“Because it just sounds like a dream,” I murmured lowly, afraid to hurt him.

Another tear slipped off his eyes, but at the same time, soft smile grazed his lips. That smile… the one that I longed for all I could I remember. “Then I’ll remind you all over again that this is real,” he said. Before I could registered what he meant, he closed the gap between us.

Jolt of electricity burnt me down when I tasted those lips again. The softness when it moved against mine, I could’ve die at this instant and won’t regret any single thing. I like it way too much to even react. His lips like a warm whisper that lit my body on fire. His hands tangled in my hair and shiver went down my spine. As if have its own mind, my arms moved to securely wrap his small waist. I pulled him closer, earned a small gasp when I actually react to the kiss. I never feel this complete.

“I have four years to realize what I missed,” he spoke on my lips. He gave me a light peck and I can’t help from opened my eyes and see the beauty. “I have that long agonizing time to know myself, to know what I let go, to understand what I feel, and to realize whom exactly I love.”

If my heart beat any faster, it would probably broke out from my rib cage. “I was so stupid, so proud of myself, and blinded,” he trailed, fingers also trailed and comb my hair softly. “I’m guilty and responsible for all the pain I’ve caused you.”

Mir leaned in and pecked my lips again before I could speak. “Don’t lie. Don’t tell me it’s not my fault. It is,” he pressed our forehead together and closed his eyes. I could see his wet eyelashes and I want nothing than to kiss him again. “I love you.”

My world stopped.

He’s waiting for me to react, but I can’t. What he’d just said? He loves me. He said he loves me. Did I even hear it right? But there’s no way I heard it wrong since the three words glued in my mind.

“Is this really not just a dream?”

“This is real,” he said before he kissed me again.

“But I-“ I tried to say between his kiss.

“It’s not what I want to hear,” Mir said before pecked my lips again.

“Still-“

“Nah, try harder,” he gave me another peck.

I groaned when the control really snapped and I pulled him close, connect our lips harder than a soft peck that drift me crazy. Mir easily complied and molded his lips together with mine. He slowly my bottom lips, before tug at it softly, made my arms around him clasped like an iron and locked him there. After a moment that too long, at the same time too short, he released himself from me.

“Give me an answer,” he demanded, short breath.

And under such a demand, I let out the confession I yearn to tell for years. “I love you,” I said breathless. “God, how can I’m not?”

He almost knocked me down with his sudden strong hug. Without thinking, I circled my arms around him and took a deep breath. No sick feeling, no insane monster that screamed for freedom. Nothing but a peaceful completeness and it feels so right, too right to me to let go.

Mir buried his head on my chest, hid his tears. “Is this still feel wrong?” he whispered.

“No,” I replied, ran fingers on his hair. “This is the rightest thing I’ve ever done.”

And that’s the truth. I might be insane, crazy, whatever you call this. But this is right. This is the whole thing that even the word ‘happiness’ can’t explain. This is all I ever wish for.

Yes I’m insane, but at the end of the day, when I look at the perfection that lie in my arms, I can’t think of anything besides how worth it is to be insane for him. And when I feel the warm of his presence that light my world, I know this could never be wrong.

-end-

Written by : Honey June

I'm so sorry for leaving too long. I won't defend myself and give any excuse.

However, this is the end of another journey. Again, I feel sad and happy at the same time. 

The news about MBLAQ surely broke my heart, and I realized I can't make them suffer here. ^^

Thank you so much for all the support, comment, and for read this until the end. It means so much for me. You guys are amazing, as always. I can't finish this without each one of you, and I could never be thankful enough.

I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I am. i'm truly happy to be able to finish this, since the story originally only an incomplete single chapter that born two years ago. 

pst. Do you guys read Unspoken Words? I decide to write a oneshot as a sequel for that. This is the first time for me to write a sequel, so I'm pretty nervous. 

It will be called Stray of Light. Please look for it. ^^

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/859866/stray-of-light-joonmir-leejoon-joomi-joonmi-bangmir

see ya