Hang on. Just a little bit more. When the day passed, you'll be alright. Everything will be alright. When the sun comes, all the agony will be forgotten, you'll live and alive. You'll manage, you had done it before, and you’ll make it now as well. Or so do I say to myself.

Breath, Joon, I told myself. Just breath, keep your mind off it and you'll pass this day. I've already done it once, what's so different? Oh right, I almost killed myself last year. As the thought of that desperate and hollow feeling last year came to my mind, I shudder in fear. No, I can't bring myself to think about it. I won't break this time, no, no I can't.

Groaned, I buried my face in the stuffed pillow. Even when I closed my eyes his figure printed behind my lids. I sighed and gave up, allowed my delusion of him played in my mind. I miss you, how many times I’ve said it today? I lost count. Another wave of nausea hit me as the thought that maybe I can't recognize him now swirled in my mind. What if he changed so much? What if I can't portray him again? What if I forget how he looks like? All the 'what if' really drove me crazy.

Gave up for the second time, I reached out to the crumpled photo under my pillow. Gazing at it intensely, my breath finally even as my mind draw him over again. It's been too long. Too long since the last time I saw him in person. Too long since the last time I saw his smile. Too long since I can bear it. It's been one year, seven months, and 13 days.

I started to feel the familiar warm that stung my eyes. Oh, please not again.

"Baby?" I could hear my mom said before she opened my door room.

Put my best smile I could muster, I greeted her. "What is it mom?"

She came and sat at the edge of my bed. I put the photo down to give my attention on her. She smiled softly, like she always do, and it breaks me more to know how the weak me hurt her. "Are you feel any better?"

"Yeah, I feel great," I lied, closed my eyes as she brought her hand to check my temperature. "You still have the fever."

I smiled. "I'm going to be alright mom. It also happened last year. I can endure it."

Her eyes told me how sad she is and I hated myself to make her sad. Enough with the weakness. I need to be strong now. I need to endure it for her, for myself, and for him.

"Go to sleep now, honey. You look tired."

Her gentle touch on my hair feels soothing. I nodded and obediently closed my eyes, though the unconsciousness won't take me away that easy.

She left me alone with my thought that wasn’t pleasant. Time tickling ever so slowly crawled to my skin. Numerous pictures replaced my visions, too fast for me to catch. The familiar suffocating feeling in my chest sent a lump to my throat. Broke in cold sweat, I realized all my body’s shaking.

The panic attack comes again.

Gritted teeth in a tight clamp that hurt my jaw, I tossed aside to lay on my stomach, scrunching eyes shut tightly. Small grunt escaped my lips as I tried to breath. No, I can’t come back to that. I need to think over something. Anything that could ease the anxiety. Another picture of him flashed behind my eyelids and I braced it eagerly. Soon enough, the fears, the worried, all retreat, leaving me some space to breath.

It’s funny how he could be the sickness and the cure at the same time.

Another picture flashed but this time it stayed. This time I saw me, at the very same room I am now. I saw myself sitting at the edge of my own bed, waiting. That me continuously watched the opened door, anticipating. All of sudden he’s become me. It’s me who saw the door, with my own eyes. It’s me that anticipate with uneasy feeling inside my heart.

It’s my breath that get caught when I saw him walked through the open door. His small smile would surely stole my breath away if his presence didn’t steal it earlier. But the small smile is also told me what exactly it is, a dream. Another dream of him. Another manifestation of my weeping soul.

“You come again,” I found myself said, smiling at him.

My heart hammered in my chest as he accepted my hand, spreading his warmth into me. His frequent visit in my dream still amazed me. It always sent me the sweetest feeling. It almost felt like I’m drunk, flying on cloud nine wrapped in a fluffy blanket. I’m not supposed to happy with these dream. Opposite, I should be terrified. The aching heart that I will feel right after I woke up will kill me all over again. Then I will shatter again, foolishly searching for him as if he’s actually there.

I brought my thumb to gently brush his hand. Even now my heart’s ached. Broken with the longing I have for him. It’s ache, but in the way I want it. Its ache with fulfill of his presence. And that’s the feeling that keep push me. The feeling that makes me eager to have these dreams with him. Even though I know I will always wake up and he will always gone when I opened my eyes, I still want this. Even though I know these all are not real by any means, I wouldn’t exchange it with anything.

Because only here, in this unreal and dull world, I could finally see his smile. I could be with him, without hurting him or anyone. Here only, I could ignore the whole world and be true to who am I and what I feel. I could hold him without fear I would scare him. Now, tell me, how can I refuse?

“I miss you,” the words finally slipped off my mouth. Pulled him closer and slowly circled my arms around his torso, I could feel my own body trembling. His scent still the scent that I know by heart, still could easily comfort me. I rest my head on his abdomen, eyes flutter shut when I felt his slender fingers thread in my hair.

“I miss you,” I repeated, as if said it once won’t enough. “I thought I’m going crazy.”

Mir didn’t say a single thing. I almost laugh in bitter knowing that even the whole thing is my dream, manifestation of what I longed to have, and made by my own desire, I still can’t make him say something to answer. Even my unconscious mind can’t make up some glimpse where Mir would accept me.

Clutching to his shirt as I hug him tighter, I swatted those thoughts away. It’s not the exact time to think about it. I shouldn’t waste a precious time where I could have him. I could awake anytime then I would lost him again. Should as well make it count.

Leaned away to look at his face, I could feel the shatter pieces of my heart slowly fixing to one. It beat uncontrollably fast in the way only Mir could done. I feel it swelled inside my chest and the chain that I put around it disappear as if it wasn’t exist on the first hand. The enormous feeling I have for him kicking free and dominating. It hurt me, but again, in the way I cherished.

“You’ve been happy this whole time, right?” I asked as I stood up in front of him and cupped his face. “I’m not hurt you anymore, am I?”

Mir smiled softly and nodded, leaned into my touch. The action reassured me more than anything could. And for the moment, I forget that this is just created by my mind, I forget that it’s only my mind played trick on me. I don’t care, I want to believe this. Mir held my hand with his own, earned my attention.

“You have to be happy too,” he said gently and the sound of his voice made my stomach do somersault.

“I’m happy,” I answered, surprised with the truth behind it myself. Mir looked at me with curious eyes and I smiled. “I’m happy now you’re here. I’m happy as long I know you’re happy where I can’t hurt you.”

“Really?”

I nodded and his cheek. “Don’t worry. You’ll be alright, therefore, we will be alright.”

He smiled breathtakingly and tip toed to place a kiss at my forehead. I smiled and closed my eyes, felt contended. However it just a short-live then I felt a wetness fell to my face. I pulled away and confusedly looked at him. The sight broke my heart in an instant. Mir’s eyes red and wet with tears. His face scrunched in pain that shattered me.

“Cheolyong?” I reached out to him weakly. He sobbed broken heartedly. “Cheolyong what’s wrong?”

“You lied.” He sniffled between his sob. Immediately, I pulled him into another hug, grateful that I could do the antics without any fear. 

“Don’t cry,” I whispered, patted his back slowly.

"I never lie to you, we are going to be alright. Please, stop crying."

He didn't listen. He wept and hug me in a crushing hug, but i let him. I'm willing to give him any reassurance he wants. "What are you doing?" he asked broken heartedly. Those sentence and the way he said it, it's the same with the last time we met. I felt Deja vu all of sudden.

"Am I do something wrong?" I asked nervously as I separated our body to look at his face. The sigh of his puffy eyes and rosy cheeks torn my heart. I reached out to wipe his tears but he avoided my touch. The nervousness rushed twice as hard. He never cry before, not in my dream. So why now?

"Mireu?"

Mir shook his head, watched me with sorrow eyes. "What've you done to yourself?"

Then without any warning the scene changed. We are in my bathroom, on a very day that I tried to kill myself by cut my wrist. I didn't do that though. At the last minute I saw every flash of people I love, and there he was, looking at me with disappointed painted his face. He looked just like now. Then I saw my mom and my dad. I've done nothing except to make them sad, brought them into a tangle mess. Then I looked all my members, my second family. Kwanghee, Jinki, and all my friends.

I saw flash of memories I had. With Mir, I saw how we were laugh together and it makes me remember that yes, we've been happy once. That brought me to drop the razor down. Now, I looked at crying Mir in front of me.

"Sshh Mireu," I cooed. "I won't do that ever again, please, just don't cry."

Mir held my wrists and pulled it up right at my eye level. I almost screamed by the sight of red liquid oozing through the deep cuts on both my wrists. I looked at my own wrists with amazed. It feels hurt now I noticed the wounds. Another teardrop fell on the open wound as Mir cried harder. Then another pain stabbed me, much stronger that made me forget the pain on my wrists.

"I won't leave you." The words caught me off guard, freezing while I watched him brought my hands to his lips and kissed each one of my wounds. Blood colored his lips and cheeks, draw us with crimson. "I'll stay with you," he said with gleaming eyes.

My breath hitched. All the pain forgotten and I felt numb, too thrilled too reacted immediately. To ever hear Mir said that words, the words that even I feared to hope. To hear it passed his mouth and reached my ears, I really don't have anything left to wish.

"You-you really want to be with me?"

He nodded and closed his eyes, another tears slipped away and fell to his cheeks. Euphoria reeked down my body as I ran my fingers to catch the teardrop. I wiped some more of teardrops until it becomes reddened. He cried blood.

I gasped as blood streak down his cheeks. "Cheolyong!" I squeak, cupped his face immediately with worried. I wiped the blood but another oozing out from his eyes. "No," I whispered, felt sharp nails of panic scratched my heart.

Mir opened his eyes. "I'm yours," he said empty. His face void of all emotion, just like a ragged doll.

"No, no," I panted, frantically looked around to find something to stop his blood. Soon enough, we're drench in blood.

"I won't go anywhere," he repeated, came closer to bury his head in my chest, soaked it with blood. I put my arms around him in an instant. "I will be right here with you."

Before I could mustered my answer the door went open and I gaped when I saw Seungho walked toward us direction. He looked at me furiously, eyes shine with flaming anger. I almost thought he was going to hit me, but he stopped just right in front of us.

"See what have you done," he said, tint of anger and disappointed laced his voice.

I wonder what he meant but still, I looked down. This time, I really screamed when I looked at uncountable wounds on the youngest body. Mir's soaked in blood, skin torn and faltered everywhere. Circling his neck, wrists, and ankles, is a tight chain. My shaky hands touched the metal thing on his neck and gripped it in an attempt to release him from the cuff. My little touch drove him to cried in pain.

Watching quietly for some moment, Seungho finally shook his head. "Do what you want," he muttered nonchalantly.

Seungho turned and walked away from us. Horrified, I saw the chain on Mir connected with him. The chain tightened with every step he took, crash Mir in the process. His limp body fell and I caught him before he hit the ground. Blood kept oozing. Mir screamed. A horrible scream just like when he locked himself at his room long ago.

"NO! SEUNGHO HYUNG! COME BACK HERE!" I screamed desperately. Placing Mir carefully on the floor, I ran after Seungho. I can't think. All I know I must stopped Seungho before Mir, before Mir... I can't think about it.

After what felt like endless running, I caught a glimpse of his back. I forced myself to go faster, and caught him in the middle.

"What do you want Lee Joon? Don't you have enough?"

"No, the chain. Let go of the chain. It hurts him," I said between my pant.

Once again Seungho shook his head. "How long do you intend to be selfish? How much more will you hurt him?"

"I don't hurt him!" I said, desperate as the time passing. It's not a time to chitchat. Mir is bleeding and unconscious.

"You chain him," Seungho said swiftly.

I felt a cold metal on my grip and I looked down. Nausea hit me as I saw the chain was actually secure on my firm grip. I let it go as if it burnt my hands.

"No, no," I denied, looked at my own hands in disgust. Strong wave of nausea hit me and I felt sick. I snapped my head when I heard a faint sound.

"Joonie," he called as he stumbled to my arms. Chain still tightly clasped around his entire bloody body. From head to toe, he's covered in red.

"Don't worry, I'll stay with you." Blood spurting with each word he said.

Time seemed frozen within us. I brought my hand to slowly touch his face, afraid my touch will hurt him.

"You can't," I said softly, leaned to kiss his forehead. "Don't stay with me."

He looked at me with died eyes but I closed my eyes, can't bear to see my blatant form of selfish that hideous. "Take him," I said to Seungho. The moment I opened my eyes was when his soft voice called me.

"It's not right. There's no way it could be right. You have to go."

With the last embrace, Mir vanished in the thin air. Seungho's gone too, left me all alone in the dark pain of despair. Hot tears rolled over my cheeks.

"It's much better than hurt you."

I woke with cold sweat ran all over my body. Gasped, I tried to enter an enormous amount of oxygen I could have. My heart beat crazy under my ribs, my visions swirled. I sat right away, looked around me to search for him. My eyes darted to each corner of my room like crazy. Tears blurred my visions and I blinked to swat it away.

Just a dream, I tried to reassure myself. It's just a stupid dream, but I can't help from being suffocated. I almost forced myself to think about anything than him. I swore I tried. I tried really hard but the image of him hurting and bleeding is haunting my mind. I need to try harder.

Looked at the clock, I realized it's past twelve. Just like an instinct, I reached for my phone, typed numbers that I know by heart, and stopped just a little before I pressed the call button. No, what would I do anyway? Congratulate him? Send him a gift? A dozen of red tulips and sunflowers just like how he likes it?

Someone will do that, I thought, as I pressed the end button and tossed the phone elsewhere. I let myself fell to the bed once again, lost in thought. Yeah, everyone can give him flowers, present, a happy birthday wish. Will someone sing for him? I hope G.O did, Mir likes a happy birthday song. Everyone that he loves will gather around and he'll laughing happily. Mir is going to be fine without me. He'll smile real big, his life will full of happiness, he won't become a bloody mess next to me. I won't let that happen. He will be fine. Without me, only without me he'll be fine. It's okay, it's okay. No matter how many times I tell myself that, it still doesn't feel okay. My mind told me this is the very best thing, my heart told me to run to his side. My fingertips burning at the sensation of touch him earlier. I felt like I'm out of my mind just feeling his presence.

 It's a good thing Mir's an idol. I tend to be able to see him frequently. I saw the conference when they announced my leaving. His eyes were red and puffy. He'd been crying. It hurt for me just to see. I feel really sorry for the other too. They looked lost and betrayed. I feel guilty not to tell them before. I feel very wrong to go without said a single thing to them. But I wouldn't change anything. I could bear to disappoint them, but I can't bear to disappoint Mir. Not at all.

When MBLAQ went to Japan few months ago, I have to lock myself up in my room. I don't trust myself to go out. I know I will go to him and only God knows what I’m going to do if I really saw him in person. But I watched them on TV. I saw now they are all able to smile. And I cried again for countless time.

I don't know what to feel when they informed that MBLAQ got a new member to replace me. I watched how his presence makes everyone smile, make him smile. I can't help but feel jealous. It's supposed to be my place there. That should be my presence that bring laughter. Absentmindedly I circled my own wrist with my other hand. That's the time when I tried to end my life.

I sighed and once again watched the time trickled down. This day finally end, I could breathe easier. This specific day is the day that I don't certain I can pass. It's the day when I feel loneliest, worthless, and weak. The part of me that yearn of him demand a satisfaction.

Happy birthday, Mireu I whispered to no one, wishing with all my heart. Because still, I want to at least say that.

I started to question my mental health. I know I was insane for a long time, this is all form of my insanity, but after I decided to let go of him and get out from his world, I feel the intensity of this madness growing. I started to talk to myself, as if I just talked to Mir. As if he could hear me. As the time pass, I’m closer to the edge. I tried to accept it, to make it a part of myself and live my life between it. I’m broken, out of my mind, and pile of mess up. But I’m breathing. I’m alive, and that’s the point.

I’m in love. I love him. I love Mir. It doesn’t change. It can’t be changed by pain, distance, time, anything. It didn’t even lessen. It stays the way it is, if not stronger. It filled me, contented me. Mir filled me.

I’m ready to shout to the world that I love him. I love him to death. I love him with my selfish heart. But that’s not what he wants. That’s not what he needs. And I won’t ignore that. I won’t forget and I won’t deny what he needs. I won’t change any single thing of my decision. One of us should be happy, and it has to be Mir. Then I could be happy to, in twisted way, I will be happy too.

My mind told me to stop, to leave all of this and go away. But my heart still love Mir and that’s how I’m survive. Nothing else matter.

Clock pointed at one and I closed my eyes in defeated, know sleep will take over me soon. My nerves all tense, afraid to see horrible views again. Sighed, I do the usual thing I do when I can’t sleep, when Mir’s presence in me is too dominant and my heart ache too much for me to handle. I lock him somewhere secure in the corner of my heart. That’s the only way I could functioning, the only way I could sleep little better, and numb my heart for a while.

I snuggled into my pillow, and brought the blanket up to my shoulder, in an attempt to face the sudden emptiness I feel. My hand found a way under my pillow and found the certain photo that I always left there. I started to feel calm. Goodnight my dear, and I shut him away.

Written By : Honey June

Hello~ Hello~

I'm very sorry this takes a long time.

I've been very busy with college, course, and part time job. They are all pressed me down. I feel deppressed for a while and felt sick. I'm a slow to warm up person, so I need an extra time to adapt. Now I'm very good, and get back to my rail. So I'm ready to bring this story to finish.. ^^

Thanks for waiting. I feel really bad to leave you guys. Especially for GenerationX who show so much care and concern. I'm really lucky to have you guys.

so enjoy.. ^^