I smiled slightly as the nurse helped me to get dress to my own outfit along with G.O. My back is alright now, the fact that make me really grateful. These past week had been terrible. I can’t do any single thing except lie in bed. I even need help to lie in bed. To say that I’m grateful to discharge of the hospital is such an understatement.

Although I feel grateful, I can’t really bring myself to enjoy and feel the excitement of the newly freedom. There’s something that continuously haunt my mind and I can’t brush it off.

Those tears, the expression that left on his face, why can’t I forget?

“Congratulation of being discharge Mr. Bang,” the nurse said kindly as she helped me to wear my coat.

“Thank you,” I spoke, smiled at her kindness. I may leave the hospital sooner than predicted. Doctor keep say that I need to at least stay until tomorrow morning for the past few days but I’ve eaten a lot and regain back the nutrition I need. I impressed him with the progress and he allowed me to go home, after I swear I will rest at home too.

“Ready?” G.O said, already slung my bag on his shoulder. I nodded. Apparently he’s the only one who could pick me, since Seungho and Cheondoong have schedule. My mom and my sisters promise to visit me later at dorm. For the other member that I didn’t mention, I don’t know what’s stopping him from showing his face here. But again, he comes and goes whenever he feels like doing it.

I nodded at G.O and took his hand as he led me to get out of my room. We both thank the nurse that bowed at us. I turned to open the door and stopped when I saw something on the floor.

“What’s that?” G.O asked when he sees what I saw earlier.

I bended down, ignoring the protest of my back to pick the thing. It’s a big bouquet of red tulips and sunflowers. Those flowers tied by a blue silver ribbon. “Who left flowers at front door?” G.O asked again, confused.

But I know. I know this kind of present. I had had it once before. I know it’s none other than him that sent me the flowers. He definitely also the only one that weird enough to leave flowers at the front door. Without really know why, I looked at the bouquet carefully and found what I’ve been searching for. In the middle of the flowers, lied a simple white card, written; ‘stay healthy’ with a black ink. Just like the first one, it’s not his handwriting.

So he did come, I thought while climbed up to G.O’s car. I held the flower with both my hands, don’t know what to do and what to feel. I stared at the flowers, at the beauty and cheerful of it, and smell the sweet scent that linger on each petals. It’s too pretty and too sweet that made me hard to breathe.

Just like this chaos situation between us, just like everything that revolved around him. They make me hard to breathe.

“So, what do you want to eat? Let’s celebrate,” G.O broke my trail of thought, glanced at me while driving off the hospital.

“Anything is fine hyung. I’d like to,” I replied.

“It’s been quite a long time since we all gather, right? We should call everyone. Ah, Joonie doesn’t know about your early discharge yet.”

“Yeah,” I said, tried to hide my uncomfortable. I finally talked to Seungho again after the very incident few months ago. He visited me several times in hospital. The conversation between us still awkward and develop on a business or general things, but at least we’re talking. We slowly on a good term again. I know after some time, Seungho will be the same warm and caring again. Maybe we won’t have the intimate relationship we shared few months ago, but we will have the family relationship we always have.

 As for the other man, Joon, I can’t say the same. After the kiss he took from me few months ago, things become out hand between us. The kiss itself isn’t the issue. My sister showering me with kisses every time. I kiss my friends too. Have a physical contact up to the kiss fully on the lips is not really bother me. I’m used to it and of course, I had kissed Joon before, like I kissed another member.

But the way his arms held me close to his warm body, the way his eyes fluttered close at the moment our lips touch, his erratic breaths… I can’t find a word to describe it. His lips grazing lightly on my own, softer than a butterfly touch. It’s hardly consider as kiss yet it speaks louder than if he shoved his tongue down my throat. The moment he pulled himself off me, parted our lips. The way he held his breath when he opened his closed eyes and looked at me. That night, he showed me the enormous feeling on his eyes. The strong feeling that I can only refer as indescribable love.

He didn’t have to say, I could see it clearly on his eyes. It’s choked me to discover such a massive feeling he has for me, but the way he reacted next is gradually stop me from breathing. He pried himself off me, let his hands go as if it’s burn. He looked at me with eyes widened in fear. He acted as if he tried to satisfy himself with that single kiss. As if he’s just tasted the ambrosia he only could taste once.

 Then Seungho came and the hell break loose and I can’t help from being angry. Yeah, I fury him, loathed that kiss, and anything that shared between us. The rage within me was so strong, like a big flame that burn my sense into oblivion. I’m mad at him for hurt me, for hurt Seungho, for what happened between us. I hate him and I keep bring myself to hate him. Every tears that ran through my cheeks, I blamed it on him. He took everything from me, he seized my happiness.

After weeks of desperation and rage, I could see through it and found my rational thought back. I feel betrayed with his feeling for me. It’s really confusing, how his eyes bored at mine, how he will gently touch me, and speaking in such a soft voice while never tear his eyes away from me. It’s not a problem before he kissed me on that night. I’ve always thought he just like to spend some time with me and cares for me as a brother, but it isn’t. I really don’t know how to react, I never see him that way. Not even once that thought cross my mind. Now when he touches me, speaks to me, I can’t feel the same anymore.

It’s not his fault to fall in love with someone, like it’s not my fault to fall in love with Seungho. Deep inside, I know it. But I still keep on blame everything to him. Why? Because blaming someone is easier than take the blame for yourself. And even though my rage is gone, the frustration, and the feeling of betrayed still linger.

Worse, I can see how I hurt him with my action. I saw how devastated he looked the first time he ran to the hospital. G.O told me he ran away from his schedule the next day. I saw those tired and sorrow in his eyes when he monitored me in hospital every night since I get in. yeah, I noticed every time he sat on the waiting chair outside my room and stayed with me until somebody come to visit.

I feel a pang of guilt in my heart at the bruises on his back two days ago, when he thought I was sleeping. The moment we fell, not a single word came from his mouth about the pain he feels. Instead he’s checking whether I’m hurt, looked so worried and lost.

Now, without the rage that clouded my mind, I can see how he always prioritize me over himself. I have a lot of examples like when he picked me from the convenience store that just about five minutes from dorm. He came with half soaked hoodie and an umbrella on his hand. He came from his home, which is far away from the store. He picked me up because it’s raining heavily and I’m forced to wait for it to stop because I didn’t bring umbrella with me.

 In the middle of waiting, my manager called, asked me where I am because he supposed to pick me for my schedule. I told him about being held by the rain in the convenience store and Joon shown up around some minute later, breath uneven. Until now, I can’t figure it out how he knows I’m trapped at the convenience store back then.

At that time, the incident already happened and we didn’t talk to each other. I gave him a cold shoulder but he smiled widely and gave me the umbrella he brought. He told me how glad he is to find me before I decide to go home under the rain. He walked silently behind me to the dorm. He waited until I entered the dorm and then turned back and leaving.

There’re many similar things happened, like how I found my favorite restaurant food miraculously appeared at our dorm, how coat drabbed over my body when I fell asleep at practice room and there’s a water bottle next to my head. Not to say all the things he did for me at the hospital. Joon stayed with me for the past couple days. He left when the other visited me, giving me some space to interact without him. When he came back, he’ll bring something with him.

Flowers, sweets, comic books, favorite foods, he brought me all. He stayed at the couch all the night. I didn’t know whether he took a sleep or not since he always rushed to my side in the middle of night when I’m awake. He almost never touch me and he maintained a distance between us. He never really talk to me. He just asked if I need something when I’m awaken.

But it’s all not the worst. The worst is two days ago, when I saw him shed tears silently in front of me. The worst is the defeated look on his face and how shaky and cold his hand felt against mine before he pulled it away. I never saw him so exhausted and frail, not even when he begged me from outside my door the early weeks after he had kissed me. Something snapped my heart when he tried to hide those tears away and forced a smile to his lips. I almost asked him what’s going on. When I saw him at that condition, I don’t know what to feel about him anymore.

“Let’s go,” G.O hyung said and I realized we just get home. I got out from the car and came into our dorm. I’ve just gone for a while but I miss this, my home, my brothers.

“Stay there and take a rest, I should start cooking now.” G.O immediately rushed to the kitchen after led me to the living room. I sat on the couch. From here I could heard he chat with the other member, invited them to come. He only reached for Seungho and Cheondoong, though. I could hear his nag when Joon’s phone is out of reach.

Spacing out, I wandered my eyes off, fingers absentmindedly brushed the soft petals of the tulips that sat on my lap. G.O kept the dorm clean and tidy. Nothing really change since the last time I left. If I’m not that bored of being lie on the bed, I would jump to my bed just because I miss it. My eyes looked at nothing specifically until it landed at a crumpled white paper next to my foot. Once again, I bend to pick the paper up.

I straightened the paper and looked at it. It’s not a paper. It’s a photo. A small photo with me and Joon in it. I recognized the photo as mine. There’s no way I’m wrong. I made the crump with my own hand. At the very night when I was very angry with Joon after what had he done and I saw the photo hang innocently at my desk. I just snapped and yanked it away, crumpled it with my hand and threw it across the room. Then I burst in tears.

Gave the photo second look and tried to straightened it a little more, I wondered how it could end here. Without really think about it, I flipped the photo to the back and squinted my eyes when I saw a neat scribbled with black ink at the bottom of the photo. It’s a familiar handwriting of Joon.

I could die in happiness if only I have one more time to hug you, one more chance to make you smile, and one more time to hear you call my name.

The sentence struck until I don’t know what to think. My body went numb and all I could do was stared at the scribble between my fingers. Once again I don’t know what I should do. Why it must be this complicated? He loves me and I don’t want it. I hate it, as well as I hate him, so why can’t I just brush it away? What’s this uncomfortable feeling inside me?

“Hey Mir?”

I snapped back to reality and looked straightly to G.O. He stood across me with a ladle in one hand. He looked at me with frown. “Your phone’s ringing for a while now,” he said and I realized he’s true.

Picked up the device from my pocket after carefully placed the flowers on the couch next to me, I answered the call. I saw he shook his head in unbelievable manner before he went back to whatever he’s doing in the kitchen.

“Hello?”

“Cheolyongie,” replied my brother in law on the other line. “I heard you released from hospital today. How have you been?”

“Yes, hyung,” I answered, feeling the warmness back to my body. “I’m good and already at dorm right now. I’m ready to work soon.”

The CEO chuckled. “Always so fierce, young boy. But no, your sister will kill me if you start to work right away. You need to get rest and don’t stress yourself out okay?”

“I’m really alright hyung, I can be dead with boredom if I don’t start to work, really,” I said with little laughter.

On the other line, the CEO fell silent for a moment. I was about to call him when he continued. “I know, but regarding with the issue we’re facing right now, it will be wiser if company pull all of you from media for a while. At least until we can give an official statement to media.”

I frowned. “Issue? What issue?” surely the news about me entered the hospital didn’t affect that big to force company to let out a statement. I could hear a soft sighed.

“Of course the issue about Joon. We still think about when the exact time to tell citizen. After Rain’s departure and all, I don’t think citizen will take it easily.”

My head started to hurt. What he’s talking about? Departure? “What?” I asked weakly. “What about Joon hyung?”

“Don’t tell me he hasn’t tell you about it,” the CEO gasped. I could hear guilt laced his voice.

“Tell me what exactly?”

“Cheolyong,” he called me like someone would cheer a crying child. “It’s not my place to tell you about it. You must ask Joon yourself.”

“No. I want you to tell me,” I said, forgetting all the honorific and politeness. “What is it?”

“Cheolyong,” he tried again, whimpered at my strong demand.

“Tell me hyung. I have the right to know. It’s somehow have something to do with me, right? Spill.”

I heard a defeated sigh and my brother in law finally told me the horrible news. “Joon decided to leave MBLAQ.”

My world stop moving. Even the time. “What?” I asked shakily once I figured out how to use my voice again.

“He’ll live in Japan with his mother. He came yesterday to terminate the contract.”

It must be a joke. Yeah, an ugly joke. Is this April’s fool? It can’t be true. It must be my brother in law lame way to celebrate my released from hospital. It must be something… anything. It can’t be true. No, it can’t be.

“You-you have to do something,” I demanded. Hope lit inside of me. There must be something he can do. He’s the CEO. He has to do something.

“I really can’t do anything, Cheolyong. He doesn’t break the contract. He fulfilled it and he refuses to extend. There’s not much I can do except to accept his decision.”

I felt the device slowly slipped off my grip but I made no movement to pick it up. Not when I felt a harsh pain travelled through my body. Pain that doesn’t relate to my back. I gasped for air. I felt choke. I realized my hands tremble when I saw the photo in my hand shaking. I flipped the photo and stared at his smiling face.

It could be a minute or an hour, I lost track of time. I can’t find myself to do anything beside to look at the photo. My mind is all mess up. I closed my eyes when the pain in my head overbearing. Behind my closed lids, I can think, I can breathe normally. I tried to organize my thought, to process what I’ve just heard.

My mind again become a stumble mess when I heard the front door opened. Few moments later, I heard a painfully familiar voice in distant.

“Hyung? Aren’t you supposed to be with Cheolyong right now?”

I heard another shuffling sound before G.O answered. “Joon! What a coincidence. I was tried to call you all along. Mir is discharge earlier. He’s in living room now.”

Joon didn’t answer, probably shocked from the news he heard, just like me. “We’ll have a dinner together, okay?” G.O said cheerfully. “Why are you here anyway? You haven’t come to dorm for a long time.”

 “I dropped something important.”

“I didn’t see any of your things when I cleaned up this morning,” G.O said, sounded confuse. “If you tell me what it is, I can help you looking for it.”

“It’s okay hyung,” Joon refused. “It’s a small photo. You might be miss it. I have a prediction where I dropped it.”

“Alright then. Ah, please help Mir to go to his bed. Doctor said he can’t seat for too long.”

After another short moment, I heard steps finally going closer. I didn’t realize I held my breath until my lungs screamed for air. I took a deep breath and waiting. When I saw his face, the throbbing pain crept again.

He looked at me as intense as I was. He was taken aback, as if he’s unprepared to meet my eyes. His eyes travelled down from my own and stopped abruptly at my hand. He stared at the photo in my hand. Quicker than before, his eyes landed on mine.

“That-that’s mine,” he stuttered weakly.

I found myself shifted my gaze between him and the photo several times. I couldn’t think of anything right now. He stood there awkwardly, didn’t make any move to come closer.

“I-I found it thrown away in your room,” he explained. His stutter clearly tell me his nervousness and insecurity. “Since you don’t want it anymore, may I have it?”

He only make a move when I extended my hand to give him the photo. He took it carefully from my hand and slipped it at his wallet gently. He treated the photo as if it was his most prized possession.

“Thank you,” he said sincerely, landed his eyes on mine.

Joon then walked away to my room. I didn’t tear my eyes off him until he came back with some pillows and blanket in hands. He tried to sound cheerful when says. “I thought you must be sick of stay in bed.”

He came closer and suddenly the pain became twice painful. I grabbed the flowers next to me and held it close to my body. Greedily, I smell the sweet scent to calm my nerve. I saw smile tugged his corner lips from my act. From the close distance between us, I could see the dark bags under his slightly swollen eyes. The make-up he wore poorly hid it. His face is as pale as the dead one. He looked worse than the night when I saw him cried, if it even possible.

Ever so carefully, he stack all the pillows on the couch next to me. I could smell the different smell from the sweet scent of flowers. His scent smelled like a fresh mint. Joon tapped my shoulder lightly to earn my attention. He guided me to rest my back on the pillow so I was half laying on the couch. Joon opened the folded blanket and spread it on top of me. He took the bouquet gently from my grasp and placed it on the table next to couch.

“Do you want anything else?” he asked.

I shook my head, refused to look him in the eyes and fiddled with my blanket instead. “Well then, I better going home.”

I watched as he turned his back and walked away. He hasn’t took another step yet when I opened my mouth. “What are you doing?”

He turned to face me again. He looked as confused as I was for my sudden outburst. I didn’t know why I talked, why I voiced my mind. I just know if he goes now, he’ll go somewhere I can’t go.

Joon frown when he didn’t catch the meaning behind my words. After some silent moments his eyes looked at me with worried. He took a hesitant step closer. “Did I hurt you?”

The pain in me growth and I figured out it was in my chest. I closed my eyes, tried to calm myself like I did before. I tried to control my breath normally as I heard another step.

“Cheolyong?” he asked worriedly. His voice sounded close. He must be kneeled next to me. I opened my eyes and confirmed my prediction.

“Yes,” I whispered, answering his question.

We both know what I’m talking about is not just the physical. Joon sensed the double meaning behind it. His body jerked away and I knew my single answer hurt him more. I closed my eyes again, felt horrible about myself.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered weakly. His cold, shaky hand touched mine lightly. In just a millisecond, his hand left mine. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured.

We stayed like that for a while. Me, kept my eyes close tightly. Him, kept murmuring his apology. He never stopped. But it’s not a plead he voiced. It just a cold fact. He apologized a thousand times until it died in his throat. Joon stayed silent after that, but he didn’t move from his place. I could feel his stare at my face.

“Cheolyong, could you please look at me?” he pled softly.

When I finally opened my eyes and looked at him, I found him stared back at me. He looked right into my eyes as if he tried to paint me in his mind. He looked at me as if he immersed in me and the little smile I saw after is just break me down.

He smiled as if I just granted his biggest wish. As if I just gave him the most valuable treasure.

“I’m so sorry, Cheolyongie. I’m very sorry,” he said all over again. The last smile painted his lips as he woke up from his kneeling position. “I’ll go now. Be healthy and don’t tired yourself too much.”

Joon gave me the last look before walked out. I felt numb. I heard G.O called out from him, but aside from that, I can’t caught what he said. Everything muted. My body paralyzed. If I felt a throbbing pain before, I didn’t feel it anymore. I just felt empty, hollow. I didn’t even panic when my vision disappeared. Darkness engulfed me. After some moment, I knew I closed my eyes, the reason why I lost my vision.

He’s gone. He’s gone now. I wished for it, didn’t I? I wanted him to disappear from my life. So I don’t have to feel any pain, so I don’t have to face the confusing situation between us. He already gave me what I wish for, then why?

Why I feel hurt even more? Why watched him leave break my heart even more? Something warm and wet escaped my eyes as tears streaked down my cheek.

He’s gone.

He’s gone.

Written By: Honey June

so this is Mir's view like I promised you guys.

two more to go. 

the picture above is the photo that Mir found. It's too big and it makes the chapter look ugly, I know. But AFF is being a or it's just me that don't know how to post picture properly here. I feel bad.

so what do you think about this? Lately I recieve a very little comment and attention for this. I hope it's just my popularity that decreased, not MBLAQ's.

Please show them lots of love until it chokes the life off them. 

oh, I feel like I need to apologize for the irregular update. I get distract by the little thief, Taemin. Have you guys seen him? that little baby is now a gentle man.

if you haven't, check him out;

because just like MBLAQ, Taemin deserves more than to be loved.

Have a good day.