When I first stepped off that plane from America, I felt a sense of profound loneliness in my 15 year old self. I barely spoke Korean, I have zero acquaintances, and the only way I could talk to my family is by staying up until the dead of night and Skype them. I went through a pretty deep slump that almost made me depressed. One moth later, I was introduced to Kim Hanbin and those dark feelings were instantly banished.

His friendship saved me and, and his passion for music lead me into my own love for it.

Fast forward to present day, my dear Hanbin is barely talking to me and I could feel that same feeling of loneliness creeping back into my heart. At first I thought it was because I am torn over Mino and Taehyun together, but after giving it some thought I found that it was not.

I’ve experienced heartbreak before and I could just easily soldier through it a second time, but this… This feeling of loss and doom… It could only come from losing a friend. Lovers comes and go, but people like Hanbin, they stay in your live forever. The fact that he's not talking to me is just not right.

On our normal team practices, Hanbin would act like he always does around the kids. He would be strict and firm, and then goof off once the music ended. Hell, he even smiled more often. However, once we are left alone, he would cease to acknowledge my presence. That, I realized, was the source of my unhappiness.

It’s scary to think that just one person could make me feel this way.

I’m not even sure why he’s so angry at me. I know that I must’ve hurt him during our talk just a few days ago, but his lack of communication isn’t helping me pinpoint the problem. I tried going up to him and just asking him straight up, I even contemplated using physical violence to punch some sense into him. And yet, every time our eyes met, I could see the flicker of pain in his eyes which he quickly mask with indifference. Guilt quickly overcame me and I let go of all attempts of approaching him.

If I did hurt him then the last thing that I would want to do is to cause him more harm.

So I kept my silence and went through the motions of my daily routine, my state of mind transported back to that first month as a lonely new tainee. At times like these, I usually resorted back to my family. I wish I could say that those late night Skype calls helped, but to tell you the truth, they’re like a band aid to gash that needed stitches.

I sighed to myself as I turned the computer off. I’m inside one of YG’s private computer rooms. Usually other trainees use it to do their homework, but tonight I nestled myself into one of the rooms and had a nice long skype conversation with my mother. I managed to keep my eyes dry and my voice positive, but now that they’re gone, I’m starting to feel rather blue. I quickly grabbed my bag and exited the place before I could ruminate on darker thoughts, dragging my feet for a long and lonely walk home. As I rushed out, I heard a loud thud behind the swinging door accompanied with a string of curses.

“Hanbin!” I yelled in surprise after I hit my leader on the face with the door. Afraid that I might’ve hit him hard, I kneeled down to check on his head. God, look at those dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he didn’t sleep for days “Oh…were you waiting to use the room?” I asked awkwardly.

“Not really.  Heard you were still in *yawn* Was waiting for you.” He answered sourly, rubbing his reddening forehead. I frowned at his answer. First he ignored me, and now suddenly he’s suddenly staying up until 4 am to wait for me? I don’t get him.

“Yeah, well I’m here now.” I said, slightly irked by the change in his whole attitude. Hanbin raised an eyebrow at my pointed tone and shook his head.

“I didn’t mean it like that hyung.” He said extra politely, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. “I thought that I need to explain my behavior to you… and well, I’ve just been to chicken to do it before. So I decided to just wait for you and show you instead of talking. But I fell asleep because you were in there for so long. Not that I was blaming you for spending your free time! I was just saying that I fell asleep-”

What a train wreck. I just stared at him, amused as he mumbled through his nonsense nervously, barely understanding his line of thought between his nervous stutter. He always does this when he feels guilty.

“Dude.” I stopped him mid sentence. “I’m not exactly proficient in Korean yet, so you’ll have to stop mumbling and start talking in a clear and concise manner, ok?”

My comment must’ve caught him off guard because he laughed like he never laughed before, and I along with him. Is that what’s needed to cure days of awkwardness? A stupid moment of comic relief?  My laughter died down into a chuckle, and that’s when I noticed how sad his eyes are.

“Hanbin.” I touched his shoulder gently. “Are you okay?” His great big smile melted down into a faint shrug.

“Not really hyung.” He admitted after some time. I raised my eyebrow in curiosity and nodded at him to continue. At first he tries to spit the words out, struggling to find the right words and mumbling again. In the end all he could say was;

“I’m going to break out some really bad news to my old man today… if you can… would you stay with me for a bit?”

And so, here I am in the very same PC room I used to hide out from him, nervous as hell as he texted his old man to come on to skype. He’s been glued to his phone his for about an hour and hasn’t let go of my hands since.

“Sorry hyung.” He said apologetically with tired eyes. “Maybe we should go home and get some sleep?” I waved my hand and scoffed.

“Puh-lease. We’ve pulled an all nighter before and we’ve never died became of it. Keep trying. I’ll be here, Ok B?”

Hanbin flashed me a small smile and mumbled a shy thanks. See? If only he would be this cute all the time. Just as I was imagining a very shy and timid Hanbin trying to command the practice room, his call went through and an old man’s face appeared on the computer screen.

“Hanbin?” An old man’s voice croaked tiredly. “It’s 5 am… Why are you calling so early? Are you hurt? Did something happened?”

“No… I just-“ Hanbin looked at me, unsure and afraid. I gave his hand a squeeze and urged him on.

“If it’s not an emergency then you have to have a damn good excuse to wake me up boy.” His father said coldly.

Hanbin’s fearful face hardened at his father’s words. “Typical.” He growled, rubbing his tired eyes and sighing out loud. “I don’t know why I was so worried about hurting your feelings, since you clearly don’t care about mine. So I’m just going to give it to you straight. I’m in love with a man. Yes dad, I am gay.

“You don’t know him, but I know him very well.. He’s kind, gentle, selfless… He’s everything you taught me not to be to succeed in business. Guess what dad? I  love him anyway. I love him dad. He’s the most hardworking and talented man and he’s going to be a success one day. Do you know why? Because unlike you, he deserve all the happiness in the world and I’m going to make it happen to him.”

Mr. Kim was furious, his face turning red as he try and contain his anger. “Who?!” he exploded. “Tell me who the hell he is! Is that him you’re holding hands with?! That basta-”

Hanbin grabbed the camera and slammed it away from my face. “No. I will never show him to you just so you can send one of your goonies to beat him up like you did with your business partner, father.”

That shut him up good for a second before Hanbin’s father began to unleash a torrent of vile and malicious obscenities to his own son. He called him a loser. A disappointment. A good for nothing son who left his responsibility to play around with his so called dreams. An inbred who had not only abandoned his future, but managed to drag it further down into the mud. A .

God. It was horrible. Hanbin just sat there, his gaze held strong as he stared proudly into the camera, unmoving by the waves of hate that his father spew. I looked on at the exchange, angry and confused by this merciless man that keeps pounding insults after insults just to hurt his son.

“Your mother is going to hate you.” Mr. Kim finally said.

Those words made me angrier that anything that he had just said.  Hanbin loves his mother more than anything, and his father knows it. What kind of man would use his wife’s name to make his son miserable? Furiously, I pulled the some cables from behind the computer, making the screen bleep out into nothingness.

“Thanks for that.” He said, turning away to wipe his eyes, his right hand still clutched together with mine. “ I didn’t know how much more I could stand him…”

I just stayed silent. Confusion. Anger. Guilt. Everything was whirling inside me like a whirlwind of emotions. I know I should be happy. All my life I’ve been looking for someone who loves me, and now he’s sitting right in front of me, looking up expectantly towards me. Somehow the hopeful fliker in his eyes made me feel so crap.

On the back of my mind I keep replaying our three years of friendship, and somewhere along the lines it all make sense. The way he let me touch him and no one else. How he laughed harder than anyone for my stupid jokes. How he lean on me when he’s feels overwhelmed and small. Those little gesture which I had mistaken for brotherly love had turned out to be just one of love. And how do I repay him? By spending hours upon hours talking about someone else but him.

Oh god, I’m a ty friend and an even tier lover. After all of those years, how could he say to his father that he loves me?

“Bobby-hyung…?” I could hear him calling him, but I was too ashamed to face him.

So I let go of his hand.

This beautifully kind and patient man does not deserve me. I told myself to keep my hands to myself, to let Hanbin walk away and find someone better for himself, but when I heard the door open, I couldn’t stop myself.

“Wait.” I said, pulling on the back of his shirt to stop him from leaving.

“How long?”

Hanbin turned around, his eyes downcast. I could see red spreading to the tips of his ear. “A while.” He admitted quietly.

“This year?”

“Longer…”

“…Last year?”

“Longer…”

“Before Jihwan-hyung?”

BI nodded, still not looking at me. And I thought my unrequited love for Mino was tragic. I took a deep breath, replaying and remembering the little gestures of affection that I mistook for brotherly love. He sat down opposite of me in the little booth. Suddenly feeling the gravity of the situation, I leaned my elbows on my knees and groaned.

“You don’t have to do anything hyung. “ he added quickly. “It was stupid of me to ask you to come. I shouldn’t have done it… I totally get it.” He said with that fake cheery voice of his. Look at this kid, trying to make me fell better at a time like this. Silly BI, always thinking of other people.

“I’m sorry Hanbin…” I finally forced those words out of my mouth.

“It’s okay,” He said quickly, pulling away. “I knew you like Mino-hyung already, so I don’t expect you to like me back. Anyways, thanks for the help. I’m gonna sleep in the studio so you should probably go-“

This er. He’s not going to escape this easily.

“No!” I said firmly pulling him close to me. “No. I mean, I’m sorry that I’ve been so blind.”

Forgetting all restraint, I touched my lips to his and poured all my love and regrets into those one kiss. It wasn’t a lukewarm peck done out of guilt or pity, it was a desperate kiss from a man who realized how close he was to losing someone that he love. In that one kiss, I begged him to stay. In that one kiss I prayed for his forgiveness. In that one kiss I gave him all the love that I had for him all along.

“I love you so much Kim Hanbin.” I whispered against his tear stricken cheeks.

I touched his lips with mine, tasting his tears as I murmur fervent confessions that I wish I had said years before. His small lips felt so soft as he sat there and listened like he always does.  When I ran out of words to say, he touched me gently and whispered;

“It’s okay, hyung. I love you.”

I was crying to my mother about being forgotten and being unloved, but I was so blind. As I sat there in my lover’s arm, sobbing tears of joy and relief, I realized one thing; I am loved beyond words.

It is time to love him back.

AN: A pretty moderately length bittersweet chapter :) Hope you guys enjoy it!