It hit him like a punch in the stomach. The sudden pain was too quick to believe at first but the sharp feeling pierced his heart and dug deeper with each blow until he had to acknowledge its presence.

Luhan was to be Exo M's new leader.

When the news of the previous leader's departure had reached him, the young man couldn't comprehend the words that rang through his mind. Kris. Contract. Nullify. They were words that didn't seem to fit together. As if it was impossible to string them all together to form a sentence.
 

But it wasn't all a dream like Luhan had hoped.
It was reality; the worst nightmare that could possibly exist.

Maybe it will all die down, maybe things will be solved and he'll come back. These rays of light that led Luhan on eventually turned to ashes as time passed, and it seemed less likely that his leader would return.

Luhan didn't want it. He didn't want to be leader. He wasn't ready. He knew that with the former leader gone, he was the best choice. Xiumin was the oldest, but his Chinese skills were not strong enough to lead a mandarin speaking group. Lay was a strong candidate, but his cluelessness on stage and his lack of knowledge in Korean along with his young age made him a second choice for replacement leader. Then there was Chen who was definitely improving in his mandarin but still lacking (and despite his improvement they couldn't just make a Korean the leader of a group promoting in China.) And of course Tao was the maknae and therefore could not be leader (Luhan shivered at the thought of the youngest being in charge.)
So that left Luhan, the member who was seen as the dainty, cute, childlike deer-boy, to step up to the plate as the new leader of Exo M.
To Luhan, this felt unfair. The title of leader was so suddenly at him without warning. And accepting the title of leader meant accepting that EXO had lost a member.

Luhan was angry. He was angry at the man who left him and his fellow members, forcing them to practice even harder for promotions to fill in that emptiness he had left in his place. He was angry at SM for letting this happen, but worst of all he was angry at himself for feeling so weak. Weakness was not something that Luhan normally felt. He was always the type of person to protect others, the type of person who was smart enough to avoid situations that made him weak. But this situation was unavoidable. Which left Luhan with a feeling of helplessness that mangled him and suffocated him. One day his anger finally got the best of him.
"What is it?!" Luhan screamed and spun around to face the person who had been getting on his nerves.
"I just wanted to ask if you were hungry, but I see that you're too busy drowning in self-pity to care about anyone else!" Sehun said back in a sarcastic manner.
"Why you-! You don't have any right to say that!"
"Why not?! We're all-"
But before Sehun could finish his sentence, Luhan had landed a punch right in the maknae's stomach.
Doubling over in pain, Sehun fell to the ground while all the other onlooking members tried to seperate the two, Chanyeol and Xiumin holding Luhan back from hurting him any more. Suho went over to Sehun and helped him up. As the two stood up together, Luhan could see the look in the two's eyes. Hurt shone in Sehun's, while disappointment filled Suho's.
It was the first time that Luhan had ever felt so angry at himself.


This anger that Luhan felt soon mixed in with regret and doubt.

He really isn't coming back.

Why is he not contacting us?

Was this friendship, this bond that we grew over the years nothing to him?

Did we really matter to him at all? If not, how could he just up and leave us like that?

Does he know how much pain we all feel? How betrayed we feel?

Why doesn't he trust us enough to tell us what's going on?

I should have been a better friend to him. He only seemed to be close to Tao and Chanyeol. Maybe if I had included him more he wouldn't be doing this.

These thoughts devoured Luhan everyday until they were all that he could think of.
One night, as he stood alone in the kitchen, these thoughts were occupying his mind. He then felt a sharp burning sensation on his wrist and something trickled down his wrist. Looking at his hands, he saw that it was blood.
In his right hand he held a knife and in the other hand he held an apple. He had been meaning to slice the apple but due to his mind being elsewhere he had accidentally his wrist with the blade and cut himself.
Standing there with the knife still in his hand and blood now dripping onto the countertop, Luhan acknowledged the stinging pain as a form of escape and a sign of punishment. I deserve this.
The pain almost took Luhan's mind off of the hell in his mind. Tempted, he lifted the knife up to his wrist so that the blade was nearly touching his pale, milky skin.
I've always tried my best to protect others. So I can't forgive myself for hurting Sehun. Maybe if I hurt myself as well, things will be even.
Just as Luhan was about to push the blade into his wrist, Minseok walked into the kitchen in time to see him poised over the counter with a bloodied knife in his hand.
"STOP!" Minseok yelled as he ran to his friend and grabbed the knife out of Luhan's grasp. "What were you thinking?!"
With the sudden pull to reality, tears welled in Luhan's doe eyes and streamed down his pale face.
"I was thinking that I deserved it!" Luhan screamed. His mind filled with silence as he sobbed, his sorrow and sadness reflecting on the pools in his eyes.
Suddenly he felt arms wrap around him, surrounding him in a warm embrace. Resigned, Luhan let himself rest against the warmth of his friend, tears wetting his shirt.

“Lu you pabo, hurting people, including yourself, will not help anyone heal.”



After the feelings of regret and doubt had faded into the backdrop of Luhan’s head, depression had begun to take its place in his mind. He began to eat less and sleep less. He even started putting less effort in his appearance, throwing on whatever clean clothes he could find strewn across his bedroom floor or in random member's closets.
Sadness, pure sadness and despair clouded Luhan's heart and mind until he could no longer function like he had before.
It was during dance practice that the members realized Luhan couldn't live like this any longer.
The booming music echoed across the practice room as the members all moved to the music as they had for the past months, doing the same routine over and over again until they could do it perfectly an endless amount of times. The air smelled of sweat and despite the air conditioner being fully functional, the sun seemed to be right in front of Luhan, heat radiating on his skin. In fact, he felt like he could almost see it. Yes. He reached out in front of him. There's the sun right there. If I go a bit further I can almost touch it.

The sun's bright rays blinded him until he could almost see nothing, though the floor was still visible. But, why does it feel like the ground is tilting? Hey, it's moving closer, it's gonna hit my head-
"LUHAN!" Arms caught him before he hit the ground, footsteps were heard as people gathered around him.
"Someone call an ambulance!"
"What happened?"
"Omo! Did he faint?"
"Luhan! Wake up!"
The voices surrounding him blurred as he floated into a different state of consciousness, the last thing he saw being the horrified concern in Kai’s eyes as he held Luhan in his arms.


Suddenly, Luhan could feel the air around him. He could hear the sounds of everyday cars and vehicles outside, carrying on with normal life as he lay on what felt like a bed. Slivers of light could be seen as he slowly opened his eyes.
What he saw first was white. Everything was white, from the ceiling, to the walls, to the sheets on the bed. Then he saw a person. He was holding onto Luhan's hand while he slept in a plastic chair, unaware of the fact that anything around him was any different.
"Jongin."
Silence.
"Jongin!"
Still nothing stirred.
"Jongin!" Luhan said again, this time pulling on his friend's hand attempting to awaken him.
Finally, Jongin's eyes flittered open to reveal a wide smile once Luhan came into sight.
"Lu Hyung!" Before he could say anything, Luhan was engulfed in a tight hug. "We were all so worried about you!"
Luhan was too touched to complain to Jongin that his embrace was too tight that it hurt so instead he asked:

"What happened? The last thing I remember was practicing our dance routine."
Jongin released his grasp on him and gave him a concerned look.
"You fainted. The doctor said you haven't been getting enough sleep and that you've been eating too little. Hyung, if you're ever not feeling well, you should tell me or one of the other members." He took Luhan's hand in his and sincerely looked at him. "We'll always be there for you. We're one, remember?" Luhan looked down at his hand interlocked with Jongin's.
 

"We love you, Lu Hyung. Never forget that."



Now that Luhan was eating and sleeping normally again, things seemed to have reverted back to how they were before. Everyone was working diligently on promoting their album and peaceful activity had been restored. The group had just finished filming late at night and had returned to the dorm exhausted.
"I'm going up to the rooftop for some fresh air. I'll be right back." Luhan told everyone.
Up on the roof, everything seemed to be visible. He could even see a single star in the sky despite the bright lights of the city. He looked up at the single star, tiny and sparkling bright up in the darkness.
"You must feel lonely up there, all alone." Luhan smiled. "But in reality, you aren't alone. There are billions of other stars just like you in the sky. They're all around you. You just can't see them. But they're there. So it's not just you."
"Talking to yourself?"
Luhan turned his head to see who it was that interrupted him.
"No," Luhan said, not knowing what else to say. So he changed the subject. "Why are you up here anyway, Sehunnie?"
"Just thought I'd come and keep you company." He said as he walked up next to Luhan.
Silence occupied the space between them until Luhan spoke up.
"I'm sorry I punched you in the stomach."
Sehun looked at his feet before he replied.
"It still hurts." Before he could apologize again, Sehun continued. "But I forgive you." He looked at his best friend with a spark of sincerity. "I could never not forgive you."
"It's just that- I was so consumed by my own feelings of grief that I lost control. I would never hurt you on purpose. I swear." Luhan explained.
"I know." Then Sehun looked up at the night sky. "It was that star, right?"
"What?"
"Earlier you were talking to that star, weren't you?"
"Well I sure wasn't talking to myself," Luhan replied with a smirk.
Smiling back, Sehun continued to look up.
"I think we all feel like that star at some point in our lives."
"Yeah." Sometimes we feel lonely but then we open our eyes and realize we’re surrounded by friends who love us.
Sehun then looked at his Hyung, "Hey, you're not still all sad about Kris Hyung, are you?"
Luhan turned to his best friend to meet eyes with him.
"What if I am?" He sighed.
After a bit of silence, Sehun spoke again.
"Do you remember that drawing Kris drew? The one with all 12 of us in it? The one with the weird looking horse thingy in front and-"
"I think it was a dog."
"Whatever, do you remember it?"
"Yeah. It was terrible."
"I know right? I mean, even Jongin's dogs could draw better than that-"
"Okay, are we just going to insult his drawing?"
"No. The point is, when he showed everyone that drawing he drew us all together and all those times he said that we were one couldn't have been a lie, right? We all promised each other we're one. He was a good friend of mine and he wouldn't just leave us without a legit reason."
Sehun smiled at Luhan and continued.
"He was everyone's friend. You can't live with someone for 2 years and not be friends. And besides, in life there will be friends who leave. There's nothing you can do but to accept it and move on. That's what he would have wanted anyway."
Luhan stared at Sehun.
"Since when did our little maknae become so wise?" He teased, putting his hand on Sehun's soft brown hair.
"I was always wise, Hyung." Sehun said, putting his arm around Luhan's shoulders.
"You called yourself a baby on Happy Camp last year." Luhan pointed out.
"Hmph," Sehun pouted. "It was for the fans." Then he asked Luhan with a grin on his face, "so are you feeling better now?"
Luhan grinned, "maybe."
Sehun released his hold on Luhan to reach for something in his pocket.
"I think this calls for a new beginning."
"A what?" Luhan asked, confused. Sehun took what appeared to be a writing utensil out of his pocket and held it up for Luhan to see. It was a silver marker.
"A new beginning." Sehun repeated, as if saying it again would explain anything. He bent down to the ground and uncapped the marker. Luhan could see him writing something but couldn't clearly make it out in the darkness. When Sehun stood up, he handed the marker to Luhan.
"Here, put down your own message. So that when you come here and look up you'll see the star and remember that you're not alone. But when you look down, you'll see the message that we wrote and remember that you're supposed to be happy and move on."
Luhan took the marker and kneeled onto the ground to write his message. On the black paved ground he could see what Sehun wrote:

Hyung, don't feel sad. Remember that I'll always be there for you! And everyone one else will be too! I love you! EXO Saranghaja!
 

With a smile, Luhan wrote his message underneath Sehun's, filling the cold ground with the warmth of his words.
 

I'll try to be there for everyone as well. I love you too. Sincerely, the second leader of EXO M, Luhan.

When Luhan was finished writing, he stood up and looked at the star one more time as if to say good-bye. Then he took Sehun's hand in his, and walked back down to the dorm where the other members, were waiting for his return with open arms.

Fin.

Author's Note: Hi! Wow, did you read this whole thing? I really don't really expect this story to be popular since I wrote it just for the sake of venting my pent up emotions on this whole situation. I tried to be artistic while writing this, adding metaphors and the five stages of grief.  Anyway, Thank you very much for reading! And it would mean so much to me if you subscribe, upvote, or comment! Bye!