"--

A flicker of light wakes Luhan up from his slumber. It has been a very tiring night last night, the concert being only days away and they have been practicing every hour of the day. It's enough to send a body like Luhan's to hell-knows-what pain. Luhan bats his eyes slowly to try and wake himself up. , he thought to himself, I was having a nice dream. He cringes at the flickering light.

"No, don't do that, Jongin, you little ." Luhan gets up, walks sleepily as if he were a zombie and walks towards Jongin to hit the back of his neck.

"Ow! What the ? That actually hurt!" Jongin laughs and Luhan does, too. He was always the first to wake up from the members, maybe it's because he's always been the most enthusiastic to hit the practice room. Earliest to arrive and the last to go. Well, that was until a few weeks ago when someone started waking up hours before anyone did.

"So, where'd he go today?" Luhan motions to the empty bed above his. He asks Jongin as if he didn't know that Sehun went out hours earlier just to avoid seeing him.

"I think he went to get coffee at the shop." Jongin proceeded to raid Luhan's drawer and when he couldn't find what he was looking for, he proceeded to raid Sehun's.

"Are you looking for the black HBA because he wore it today."

"What? I told him I was going to wear that today." He proceeded to look for another shirt. Upon processing the words he's just heard, he stops to look back at Luhan, "Wait, you saw him leave today?"

Luhan half-nods but then cuts his own actions by denying it immediately, "Oh no, I saw him preparing his clothes last night."

He didn't want Jongin to think he's been creeping on Sehun at 4 in the morning. But the truth is he was. The truth is he was awake when Sehun left, just like he is everyday when Sehun leaves. He was always half hoping Sehun'll wake him up, hoping maybe that day Sehun will start talking to him again, but Sehun never does.

"Why did Sehun go out for coffee when he can just prepare one here." Luhan tried to sound like he was annoyed but he sounded more like he was worried.

"Minseok hyung makes the coffee here, hyung. You know that." Jongin says matter-of-factly. He knows Luhan knows that's the reason he never makes coffee at home anymore. He stopped talking to Minseok, too, the day he stopped talking to Luhan.

"Oh yeah. Well, I'll be preparing too so you'll have to leave." He pushes Jongin out of the room as soon as Jongin finds a shirt to wear, courtesy of Sehun's wardrobe. Really, he just needed the room to himself.

Luhan wonders how Sehun is. He's been  hanging out with Tao lately, well, he's always had, but now he does more than ever. He can't help but get jealous at the thought of Sehun's replacing him as his best friend. Is it really just a jealousy of a friend? He thinks to himself but dismisses the thought immediately. He can't do this because he’s with Minseok now and it was quite clear when he chose him over Sehun that night.

He remembers that night too vividly. The sight of Sehun confessing that he loved him more than a best friend. He remembers telling him he was too young for him and that they weren't good together, that he needed someone who was mature. The sight of Sehun crying and pleading for him and--

"Sehun-ah, you're back." He gulps as he speaks. Sehun's back early today. His heart drops at the sight of him and he doesn't even know why. This is the first time this has happened, he usually waits for Luhan to go to the bathroom before coming back to their room.

"Oh, yeah, I won't be able to practice today. I've asked permission from manager hyung." Sehun said this almost completely indifferently. Almost as if talking to Luhan for the first time again wasn't a big deal, as if he hasn't been ignoring Luhan for the past few weeks. Sehun changes his shirt hurriedly and puts his cap on.

"Where are you going?" Luhan asks Sehun with full curiosity and concern.

"I'm heading out with Tao today." Sehun says a bit too enthusiastically as he checks how he looked in the mirror. He then headed out of the room without even saying goodbye to Luhan or even asking him how he is at the least. Luhan knew he was going to talk to him soon but he didn't know that Sehun's first words to him would be like this. He expected Sehun to be tender like he was before but all he saw was a Sehun who didn't care about his existence. That was when he realized he missed hanging out with Sehun. He missed being the one Sehun's enthusiastic about. He missed Sehun wanting him, or even just wanting to talk to him. He missed Sehun like crazy.

--

Today was the last day of full practice and the concert is in two days. They have all been waiting for this moment since they debuted and Luhan's feeling more melancholic than ever. I'll be with you forever, hyung. We'll be going through everything together, we'll tour the world, hyung. He remembers Sehun's words that merely sounded like words from a brother years ago. How can he have not realized that Sehun wanted to be more.

Sehun and Tao walk in laughing among themselves and he can't help but stare.

"Since there are no more minors as of this day. We're playing a game. One shot each round. The person who gets knocked out first is, well, a loser." Chanyeol passes around a bottle of sake. Concentrated sake, enough to knock the hell out of everybody and since tomorrow is rest day, they really didn't mind.

"Are you sure you can handle this, Sehun?" Everyone laughs.

"I've proven to handle worse." Sehun laughs, too. Everyone laughs except Luhan, he doesn't know what to expect from a drunk Sehun or from his drunk self, even. And he did get drunk. Not after four shots each, everyone started acting different. The night was filled with mentions of good memories and not until Baekhyun begins to mention how everyone's relationships started out differently did Luhan start to speak up.

"I'm really glad we've made it all to this point. I really love you guys." Luhan says, tearing up a bit as he looks over to Sehun then to Tao and to Minseok. He didn't know if he was tearing up because of their accomplishment or because he suddenly felt the emptiness in all of it. Both, maybe. manliness, he thought to himself.

"I love you, guys. Yifan, Minseok, Jongdae.." Luhan proceeds to mention everyone, "..Sehun, and Tao," he finishes a bit weakly.

Just then, Sehun cuts his speech.

"I have an announcement to make! I and this thing right here," He motions to Tao as he grabs him by his shirt. "We're together!" He laughs and everyone laughs with him.

"Well, it's not like we don't know, you guys are always together." Kyungsoo comments, resting his head on Jongin's shoulder with eyes half-closed.

Luhan's reaction was one everyone didn't expect, a mix of confidence from alcohol and of long kept emotions. Jealousy and regret. He jumps out from his drunkenness.

"What do you mean together?" Luhan exclaims too loudly. "But, Sehun, you told me before--"

"Told you what?" Sehun says with an obvious annoyance in his words.

"You told me before that you--" and tears started to fill his eyes. He leans into Yixing on his left and then and there, he broke down crying. Minseok just stared in complete confusion at the scene of his boyfriend crying. But no one is more confused than Sehun himself.

"Shh. Let's get you home, hyung." Jongin says to calm Luhan down, he motions to Yixing to boost Luhan up. One arm around Jongin and another around Yixing, he is escorted to one of two vans and they are driven home.

Sehun sleeps in Tao's room tonight.

Everyone sleeps warily tonight, the rest because of tiredness and some because of pain.

---

The next morning seemed like most mornings. Except it wasn't. Sehun had slept in Tao's room last night and that thought alone sent Luhan to tears once again. He takes a deep breath and his hand reaches his chest, eyes still closed as he fists his shirt as if to alleviate the radiating pain. He was so mad at himself for a lot of things that he cries immediately upon waking up, thoughts lingering in the memories of last night, he recalls the drinking, the talking, but mostly that Sehun was now Tao's. It's as if a heavy weight was pressing down on his chest, making it harder and harder to breathe as he thinks about the complication of everything, wanting Sehun now that they're both someone else's and now that Sehun doesn't feel that way about him anymore.

He half-opens his eyes as he sees light suddenly coming from the small opening of the door and sees a silhouette of a man walking towards him almost like a ghost.

"Hyung." a familiar voice whispers very quietly.

"S-sehun?" Luhan covers his face to hide his swollen eyes. It was him. The person he had, for quite a while now, let walk away every morning at this same hour.

"Hyung, I--."

Both of them couldn't speak properly.

Sehun locks the door and walks towards Luhan in a manner that's only his, taking each movement with caution. Slow but sure, he settles beside Luhan who was an obvious mess and he moves to touch the hands that were covering his face.

“Shh. Why are you crying?” He asks surprisingly tenderly as he softly takes the two hands into his own, settling them on his lap and not letting them go.

“I’m sorry about last night.” Luhan speaks into his sobbing and whimpering.

“No, don’t be. I’m sorry if the way I spoke to you hurt you. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m sorry, really.” Sehun gave the hands that were in his a gentle squeeze. He looks up at Luhan and they meet at a tender gaze, both eyes watery from the confusion of the situation. He looks at Luhan straight in the eye for the first time in a long time and it was as if all the memories of the past came back to remind him of why he had loved him in the first place.

He doesn’t know if it was the way Luhan looked at him that seemed to force his entire being into this but he moves closer until he’s an inch away from the smaller’s face to close in the gap between lips.

“No, wait.” Sehun stops himself. “I can’t do this.” Sehun remembers why he had come to Luhan's room. To finally end whatever there is (or isn't).

"What do you mean you can't? I'm here, Sehun."

"It's just wrong. All of this. How can you want me now that it's all complicated. Tao, Minseok hyung. What are we gonna do about them?"

"I-I don't know. How am I supposed to know? I don't even know myself to begin with. I'm just so-" Luhan stutters, "I'm just so sorry."

"You hurt me so much." Sehun says bluntly and Luhan swears he can feel his pain, "And now, when I thought I was finally fine, you make me feel like I'm eighteen all over again, crying myself to sleep."

Luhan cries harder, letting himself fall completely into Sehun. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I didn't know, Sehun."

Sehun feels an almost unbearable pain in his chest. He knows this is wrong but just about everything Luhan is screams right.

Luhan.

Tao.

Minseok.

No.

Luhan.

"I can't believe that after all this time, I still want you." Sehun looks down and says this almost in a whisper, not looking at Luhan because he knows it will break him. Sehun's eyes fill with tears.

It comes as a shock for Luhan what Sehun just said. He is all grown up now but inside him is a fragile little boy who's hopelessly still lost in Luhan. After all these years, he sees this. He sees how much Sehun has suffered over him, sending his heart to break from regret with every tear streaming down Sehun's cheek. He sees for the first time how much Sehun loved him, still loves him, after all these years.

He leans in and kisses Sehun.

He does so with all the strength he has left. Sehun surrenders and does the same. He had initially stopped Luhan, he knew he had wanted to do this for what seems like a painful eternity.

They lay there, kissing each other amidst the tears and the sobbing, tied between the words I'm sorry, please forgive me. Holding each other closely and touching each other over their clothes and after, underneath, and then without. It's okay, it doesn't matter now. Touching each other as if to cover up whatever was unsaid, healing all the years of confusion, denial, and insecurities.

Sehun traced the map of Luhan's body with his hands, then his lips, making sure he doesn't miss a single detail and Luhan shivers and trembles with each kiss, and later, for having Sehun so intimately inside him, rocking each other back and forth slowly like branches of trees, whispering each other's names with every movement, and careful not to break each other more than they already have.

I love you, Sehun.

I love you.

Luhan.

Hyung.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

It's an absolution that they both have been waiting for for years.

"I love you." Luhan manages to say. Both of them weak and spent. Sehun buries his head in Luhan's neck, closing his eyes as he kisses the older's hair.

"I love you, too. I always have." Sehun breathes these words, meaning them with all of him.

Luhan doesn't know how this is going to work. He knows he'll hurt a lot of people and disappoint them, at the least.

What happens after? What about Minseok and Tao? What about the distance? Will we make it? There were just a little too many questions Luhan has yet to answer.

But amidst all the chaos and misconceptions, there is one thing every event has led to up until this night that made him come to a conclusion. He knew certainly, he loves Sehun. It will be harder.

He knows this and Sehun does, too.