Jaejoong stood at the altar in the meadow, dressed in black from head to toe. The air was light, and the sun glazed down softly whilst the breeze gently moved around, sending the delicate smells of nature around everyone, giving a peaceful, beautiful sight that helped cure their hurting hearts.

His eyes stared down the aisle, awaiting his wife to arrive. He looked to his mother who gave him the most comforting smile she could make despite her proud tears falling down. He looked to his friends who couldn’t look back at him. He looked to her mother whose head was bowed down, hidden beneath a black veil. He forced himself to stay standing even though his legs shook and his heart ached. He looked down at his hand and smiled at the engagement ring, remembering the memories of the past.

The slow, sad music began. Jaejoong closed his eyes and turned to the priest who held his shoulder in comfort. The priest nodded towards the front of the aisle. Jaejoong slowly and reluctantly spun around to see her coffin enter, carried by her family, her best friends and her father who held her casket proudly. Jaejoong’s mind flew back to a time he imagined she’d be walking down happily, her arms in her father’s, her hand clutching a bouquet of roses, her eyes stuck on his, grinning as she always did.

Jaejoong stepped aside and watched as the casket was put down on the beautiful white table. Inside she lay, pale-faced; so cold. Her lips were painted red, her eyes were closed and in between her hands were white roses tied with a pink ribbon. On her finger was her engagement ring. Jaejoong shook violently, feeling sick. She looked like she was about to spring up and scare him. She looked like herself, she looked like she could sit up if she wanted.

“May everybody please stand.” The priest called out softly. Jaejoong stepped to the side of the coffin and almost began weeping when a little hand reached up to his. Jaejoong looked down to see his daughter who stared back up in bewilderment. Jaejoong couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what to do. It was the first time she had ever touched him since that day.

His mind went back into the past.

He waited outside the room whilst she gave birth. She was weak as it was, he remembered thinking. She was suffering so much due to cancer, and he forced the burden of pregnancy upon her. She couldn’t have the treatment and it was his fault. He remembered her saying “Please love our baby no matter what happens”, but he never promised her, not knowing at the time they would be her last words. He couldn’t promise to care for a child who had destroyed his love’s chances of survival, who ruined her in society, who hurt her the most when she couldn’t find the energy to lift up a finger. Yet inside she was struggling horrifically forcing herself to give birth, finding every last ounce of pure energy to bring her baby to the world.

She stayed in a coma for two years after giving birth, after receiving futile treatment that attempted to save her mind. The cancer was too violent. Jaejoong refused to accept reality and fought to keep the machine running, paying the costs, in the hope she would wake up again. He never gave up for two years. He lost his job, he lost his friends, he lost his family… he lost his daughter. He didn’t want to lose her. Yet one day, he stayed home, drunk, when his mother phoned to tell him her parents switched off the machine that kept her lungs moving and her heart beating.

He looked down at his baby’s eyes. She was two, and her eyes were exactly like her mother’s. He began hyperventilating as he reached his hand down to her precious, jewel-like head. His heart warmed up looking at the innocent beauty. The priest waited patiently as Jaejoong looked back at his wife.

“My love…” He breathed, his hand around his daughter. “I-I’m sorry…” He wept, looking down at his sleeping beauty. “I… I’m so sorry.” His tears fell down, truly accepting that she was gone. “I-I’m sorry I didn’t… I didn’t raise her… I’m so sorry my love, please, wherever you are,” he looked up into the skies where the sun shone down. “Forgive me. Forgive me, please, and I promise to be a father, to love our daughter forever.” He looked at her parents and fell to his knees, bowing down to them. “I am sorry for forcing her to stay with us in- in the hospital… I’m sorry for everything I have done, I… I’m begging for forgiveness for everything…” He wept, his whole body straining to stay conscious as his dizzy head threatened to give up. He looked at his daughter who stepped back towards his mother who cuddled her tightly. “Mom…” He breathed, “I’m sorry for not being a better father and son, and…” He looked back at the skies, “Father, if you can hear me, please guide me to become anything like you…” He looked back at his wife. “I-I love you…” He wiped away his tears and bent down to kiss her forehead.

Twenty years later, Jaejoong held his daughter’s arm and kissed her forehead. She stood next to him in her wedding dress, smiling brightly with her eyes as bright as ever, her cheeks rosy, the exact mirror image of how he imagined her mother would look.

“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” Jaejoong asked his daughter with a soft smile.

“Every day, Dad.” She replied, leaning her head to his shoulder, perhaps leaning on him for the last time.

“You look so like your mother. She would have been so proud to see you looking like a real princess.” Jaejoong felt his eyes well up.

“Dad…” Her eyes, too, began to well up with tears but he brushed them away gently.

“Don’t cry, my dear, your Dad is being silly. Let’s go now, hm? You ready?” He asked brightly, slowly ushering her forward. She nodded nervously with a giggle as the doors opened and there, at the altar, Jaejoong saw his wife for a split second, smiling down with tears before she disappeared. There stood the groom, Jung Yunho with the same kind of tears he once shared.