Darkness of the Night

Once again I was there, in the kitchen. Not cooking like everybody seemed to believe, but thinking. This was my place, the only one I owned, more than the room I had to share since our début. The kitchen was the place for me to have time for myself and be able to take distance.

“Jae, would you tell what you're doing exactly?” Changmin asked from the door frame where he was standing, one eyebrow raised.

Akwardly sitting in the middle of the room, a paper in one hand, pen in the second one, I knew it wasn't the most expected things

“I revise the knew choreography.” I said as natural as possible.

“In the kitchen...” He stated as if I was crazy.

Maybe I was, I thought, forcing a smile on my lips to answer his question.

“Exactly.”

“And sitting.”

“Yes.”

“With a paper.”

“Yes.”

“Did someone ever told you what a weirdo you are?” He said with a smile that only I could understand.

Looking away, I avoided this soft gaze focused on me and stuck my tongue out at him.

“All the time, but as if I care.” I answered, catching his eyes to be sure he would get the whole meaning of my sentence.

The situation might look banal, it wasn't so insignificant. While I looked at him, I got lost, forgetting the time and almost regretting my words when I saw the hint of sadness in those dark orbs. Only few seconds that looked endless and during which we exchanged way more than our words ever could. As if, without my consent, my eyes were there to send this silent confession that I knew mutual. A short moment as short as prohibited that couldn't go on.

“If my dear son is only here to criticize his mother, he can as well leave.” I joked as I stood up.

He knew it. He knew that behind this humour was my refusal. Just like he could easily notice that behind those words, it was him I tried to turn down, us. I built this wall of kinship, this fake family relationship to stop myself, and him as well. If moral, reason and friendship didn't manage to vanish those feeling, maybe, the 's taboo might be able to.

I could feel in his gaze some kind of defiance. Without a sound, a questioning in the dark, checking my will, my determination. To avoid getting weaker, I broke our contact and looked away. I turned my back to him, staring at my paper on the counter more than necessary as I waited for him to leave. Even if I wanted to break him down somehow, I wasn't able to be more violent with him. I wanted him to give up, leave and forget. I simply couldn't allow him to try longer, but in front of him, I was too soft to be hurtful.

I didn't want him to be hurt in the first place, but I had to, I couldn't let him think I was ready to give in. Despite his maturity, he was far from understanding what those feelings, meant and implied.

Contrary to what he imagined in his foolish mind, it wasn't only a matter between both of us. It has also to do with the whole group, the agency, the fans. We were both famous, public figures, and this was the other side of the coin. Beside some attention from few fans, the fanfictions and the fuss around YunJae, this wasn't exactly a thing well accepted in the world, let alone in the wonderful entertainment in Korea.

We were selling our voices, our bodies, our images and somewhere, our lives.

We had to do sacrifices for our fans and we were manipulated by the agency. If it was forbidden to stay too close with our feminine colleagues, it wasn't to build a relationship with another member of the group, a boy. But this, he never seemed to get it, or maybe he just didn't want to.

Behind me, I could still feel his presence, but I didn't dare to move. Without even looking at it, as always, I could read his thoughts behind his dark orbs “I don't mind what people thinks”, “Love is strong”.

Naivety, nothing more. After ten years leaving in this kind of environment, I knew it was never so easy. Those words were for people who could actually live their love, for those who wanted to be reassured but never needed to fight.

How many times? How many times did I want to give in? Follow his lead and let my desire overcome my reason? Give up those responsibilities I couldn't bear and experience his gullible world... way too many times.

He was always the one to weaken my conviction and I wanted to believe like he did, but only few remarks from our agency and fans vanished those thoughts. I couldn't let him break what we had. Not for some delusional feelings we shared.

Gosh, what did he do with me? A poor weak man struggling with his emotions. Way too heavy feelings I wished I could erase. His love like mine, to avoid any pain. But if I couldn't stop mine, I hoped I could at least disperse his. He was young, stubborn, but more easily influenced. As weird or complicated as it might look, I knew that with a bit more time, his heart would change.

For my relief, Yunho arrived at his turn in the room. I turned toward him to share a smile, avoiding willingly any visual contact with our magnae.

“What are you doing?

“Revising the new choreography.”

“Inside the kitchen?” he asked with a slight frown.

“Someone