No matter how many times my mind tells me to let you go, I just can’t do it. My heart is still pounding for you. I simply love you too much. Much more than I love myself.

 

“Jonghyun, let’s go on a date tonight!” I exclaimed excitedly as I took hold of his hand.

 

He harshly slapped my hand away and glared. “Date? Who would even want to go out with you? You . God.. Why did I even cheated on Se Kyung for you?”

 

Se Kyung..

 

Se Kyung…

 

Se Kyung….

 

It had always been about her. Those words felt like a slap to my cheeks. I could literally hear my heart shatter into pieces. How could you be so cruel to me? I bit my lips hard to stop my lips from quivering. I know how much you hate weak people and I am determined not to show you my weaker side.

 

I turned myself away from you. My warm smile had slipped away from my face. I just wish you would treat me like how you would treat him. I don’t even know why I love you so much when I know that you are just using me as a rebound to forget him. Call me idiot but I am still holding on a tiny shred of hope believing that you would love me as time goes by. I want to keep on believing that you won’t leave me for him one day.

 

 

************************

 

 

“Kibum, I’m leaving you,” you said one day, solemnly.

 

I felt my hand flew to my mouth. You knew how much I dread the word but yet you still used it to abandon me. The words kept ringing in my ears and for a while, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. It took me a moment before I could fully digest those words. Without realising it, I found my tears sliding down my cheeks. I hastily wiped the tears away, hoping that you won’t see them.

 

But you must have seen them. You were walking away as you pulled your luggage to your car.

 

“Jongah!”

 

I tried calling you back but you wouldn’t turn around. I tried chasing after you but you seem keen on not wanting to see me anymore. It was halfway through the chase when I realised that my attempts on catching up with you are futile. I collapsed on the sidewalk as I tried to blink back my tears. I watched you drive away as I cried quietly along the sidewalk.

 

 

No matter how much you hurt me, I still can’t forget you. Everything I do seem to remind me of you. I hate my current self right now. No matter how hard I tried, the tears won’t stop. I can’t seem to do anything but cry all day. Since when am I so dependent on you? Since when am I so weak? Since when am I this broken?

 

Maybe I should have listened to Jinki. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

 

Flashback

 

“Jinki! Guess what?” I bounced to my seat and beamed widely.

 

Jinki chuckled as he watched me fidgeting in my seat.

 

“Calm down Kibum. What kind of news had made you this excited?”

 

“You will never guess what had happened!” I shrieked in excitement.

 

“What is it? You got yourself a new boyfriend?” He joked.

 

“Yes!”

 

The announcement had made Jinki sat up from his chair as he blinked in shocked. “What?”

 

I pouted in annoyance. “Jonghyun asked me out! Why are you so shocked?”

 

“Jonghyun?”

 

“Yes, Jonghyun. I’ve been talking about him all summer. Weren’t you listening to me?”

 

“Didn’t I tell you that he is bad news? Why are you still going out with him?”

 

“Just because you have heard nasty rumours about him doesn’t mean it is true. Besides, it had been forever since I dated anyone. I don’t want to remain single forever.”

 

He sighed as a sign of defeat. “Don’t come crying to me when you get hurt. Be careful Kibum.”

 

“I will Jinki. Don’t worry!” I glanced at my watched and my eyes widened when I noticed the time. “I got to go. My first date is in two hours and I need to look good.” I stood up from the chair and kissed his forehead. “Talk to you later! Love you Jinki!”

 

All I heard was a weak “I love you” as I exited the café.

 

Flashback ended

 

 

I knew I should have listened to Jinki but Jonghyun was nothing but sweet to me during those early days of being together. I was just too smitten by him. I should have known better.

 

 

************************

 

 

Meeting up with Jinki and telling him about my downfall was the hardest task. I was expecting him to laugh and say “I told you so!” in my face but it was the complete opposite. He immediately hugged me and consoled me. How am I so lucky to have him as my best friend?

 

“Spill it out Jinki.” I could feel his gaze on me.

 

He studied my face before hesitantly blurted out those words. “I- Forget about him Kibum. He’s getting married.”

 

He’s getting married? It had been only three months since we broke up and he is already getting married? I laughed at the ridiculousness. Do I really mean nothing to him?

 

“Who is he getting married to?” I managed to ask while keeping my pain at bay.

 

He fiddled with his fingers as he pretended not to hear my question.

 

Don’t tell me it’s her. “Who Jinki? Who?” I screamed hysterically for his answer.

 

“I.. It’s.. Se Kyung.”

 

Jinki started to look worried as I started laughing. Se Kyung? This feels like a joke. A joke that got me hurt so bad that everything seems funny. He getting back to her and getting married at that? I must be a joke to him.

 

“Kibum? Are you okay?” Jinki asked as he attempted to hold me.

 

I laughed again. Why didn’t I see this coming? I am so foolish. “I’m okay Jinki. I just remembered something funny.” I lied.

 

He frowned at me unconvinced at my reply as he said nothing. I felt bad for lying to him but I think I has troubled him enough.

 

“Go home Jinki. I promised you I’m okay.” I lied again. Since when am I such a good liar.

 

He reluctantly stood up from the couch as he made his way to the door. “Don’t do anything stupid Kibum. You know that I will always be there for you right?”

 

“Yes, I know Jinki. Don’t worry.” I forced a smile as he kissed my forehead.

 

“Call me if you need anything. Call me if you need a shoulder to cry on.” He gazed worriedly at me as I nodded frantically, willing him to go away.

 

“See you later Kibum. Love you.” He took one last look at me and walked away.

 

I closed the door shut and fell to the floor. Why did my heart hurt so much? I let out a sob as tears start pooling to my eyes. I hit my chest in attempt to lessen the pain but the pain seem to be getting stronger. It hurts to be played with. It hurts so much.

 

The idea of jumping off the rooftop seem so appealing right now. I’ve been toying with the thought so much these days that it seems normal. Jonghyun will probably feel guilty if he knew I died because of him. I laughed sarcastically. He should live his life with guilt! I entertained the thought as I made my way to the rooftop. I laughed again. This is so exciting! I should have done this a long time ago.

 

I stood at the edge of the platform. A light warm breeze touched my skin causing me to smile. It seems like a good day to die. I hummed a happy tune as I admired the view from the top. I have always love the view. Too bad that the view will be stained by my soon-to-be-dead body. I took a step forward and immediately felt the wind as gravity pulled me down harshly. Goodbye world. May Jonghyun feel guilty always.

 

 

 

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I'm sorry! T.T