a simple Father's day tribute since i kinda missed my Papa :[ hope one day I get to say the words I wrote in her to you. Face to face.

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A Father

Kim Taeyeon grew up not being really close to her father. She always find her father hard, cold, quiet, faraway and not fun. Maybe the last part played a crucial role. Like any normal child, she’s also the normal hyper and active child. Taeyeon was contended playing with her cousins, hoping from houses to houses seeking playmates or just someone to hang out with and listen to her ramblings. Her father was always not around during those times Taeyeon was growing up. Her mother would always says that he’s busy earning money for them to have yummy foods in their table. And like a child she is that time, Taeyeon was contended with her mother’s reasons and excuses.

“Appa, can you help me fix my toy? Jaesung unnie broke it yesterday and no one could fix it! Please!” Little Taeyeon sadly looked up to the tall figure of her father standing near the doorway.

“Sorry, but Appa is running late for work I had an emergency meeting to attend.” There goes the tall figure hastily walking away towards his parked car.

“But Appa…” The little girl doesn’t know what to do to the broken toy.

~~~~~~~

“Appa, look I got five stars from our art earlier! My teacher says I’m very good at drawing!” A pre-schooler Taeyeon happily run towards the tall figure of her father walking towards their gate.

“Oh that’s good. But Appa has to review his report for tomorrow’s meeting.” There she watched the back figure of her father disappear as the door of his workroom closes.

 “But Appa aren’t you gonna…” She just walked slowly towards their kitchen and took a magnet and place her little drawing in the fridge’s door.

~~~~~~~

“Appa, I’ll be reciting the short poem I wrote in front of the class on Parents Day. You and Umma will come. Right?” A third grader Taeyeon nervously asked her father on Sunday afternoon while the latter was busy choosing his office attire.

“Oh that! Your Umma and I already talked about that. I can’t I have a conference to attend that day.” She watched him as he went to the closet and get the suite case he will be needing for the trip.

“But Appa it was about…” Taeyeon stood there thoughtless for the umpteen time like before.

~~~~~~~

But as Taeyeon grew older and older the image of her father has become nothing but distance picture. An image she could only see and look at from a far. He was there, near and within reach but she could never get to hold. Days and years passed and Taeyeon no longer notice and miss the affection she used to yearn from her father and then slowly she noticed that there had been an invisible wall that has been built between them. A wall that she didn’t know which one of them has built. And that wall was getting thicker and stronger as more time passes between them.

“Tae, aren’t you going to ask your Appa to attend the Parents Day?” Taeyeon’s older cousin asked her.

“Nah, he’s busy. And besides my Umma will be there and so are my brother and my sister.” The now seventh grader Taeyeon coolly shrugged at her cousin’s question.

“Are you sure? It will be the last Parents Day before you enter middle school.” The cousin doubtly asked her.

“It will be fine.” Taeyeon assuringly said. Not to her cousin exactly. But to her own. ‘I will be fine, I’ve always been.’

~~~~~~~

Was it because of lack of communication from both of them? Since Taeyeon knows that both she and her father were really not the talkative type. Her older brother was the talkative one, maybe which is why he’s closer to him than her since they have a lot of things to talk about since both of them are boys in the first place. Or was it because of the lack of expressiveness from both of them? Since both of them were really not the expressive type. Their youngest was the expressive one, maybe which is why their father favors her more than any of them combined because she’s just so adorable. But Taeyeon never really got jealous of them, well maybe a little when she was still younger and naïve. But now, no. She love them to bits and pieces. Both equally and unconditionally.

“Tae, when will you tell Appa about the prize you won at school last week?” Her brother jumped on her bed and ruffled her hair.

“Yes Unnie, that one even reached the school’s paper! And boy I was bragging to all my classmates that I’m your baby sister! Hahaha!” Their youngest boasted a loud laughter.

“Well, I still haven’t had my paper back.” She made an excuse. It’s half the truth anyway, but the real reason behind is she doesn’t know how to show it their father once she got the paper back.

“You can just show Appa the news paper! It would be so cool! He will see your name printed in bold letters KIM TAEYEON 1^st PLACER for the Literature Month and I’m sure he would flip in joy! And Appa would take us to the mall and buy us delicious ice cream! But really Unnie you’re WOW! You’re just like one of those k-pop idols in headlines!” Their youngest squealed again garnering a slap from the other and a loud laughter from her.

“But reading it from the original paper is much more meaningful don’t you think?” Taeyeon asked them while catching her breath. Still trying to make an excuse.

“Well, you have a point there Tae! So you kiddo stop ridding on your Unnie’s fame! Don’t go shouting to everybody that you’re her baby sister! It’s quite embarrassing!” Taeyeon watched as her siblings bicker endlessly in her room.

~~~~~~~

When Taeyeon reached the age when a lot of changes are happening to her not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. Her mother, like normal was the one who guided her through her physical changes and that lessens the fear and worries that has started to accumulate her weary mind. But the confusion and curiosity has made her pretty much a wreck inside. Taeyeon knows that in that process, she had hurted her family. She gave them a lot of worries and constant fears. And no matter what they say, she knows that somehow she disappointed them, maybe not big time but she still knows she had disappointed them. Because Taeyeon knows they have dreams for her. Normal hopes and dreams any parents wished for their child. But as years pass she then fully understand what does they mean.

“Kim Taeyeon, what is wrong with you? You were never like this before what has happened to you? What has gotten inside that brain of yours? You’re always the smart one! But why are doing this now? What is happening to you?” Her mother nagged her continuously without batting her eyes and breaking her breath.

“I… I… I don’t know.” Taeyeon just hanged her head down. She doesn’t know what to say. She just doesn’t know. And what more can she say when her father was just an armchair away from her silently looking at her and her mother.

“Why did you cut all you classes? And ditched school? God! You ditched school for a month!” Her mother’s voice went higher on the second wave of her lecture.

“I… I don’t know…” Taeyeon’s answer only came out as whisper. How could she tell them that she’s trying to avoid her classmate who confessed to her? How could she say that that classmate is not a boy but a girl? How could she asked them that why does she feel so giddy when that friend of hers confessed to her? How could she asked them if it’s okay to feel like this when she, for herself that is not normal?

“Yeobo, enough. Let your daughter rest. She’s tired from all the nagging and lectures you and the teachers had given her all day. She’s just confused. Let her rest first. Like you said you’re daughter is smart. She definitely knows by now that what she did was wrong and I know she will definitely figure it out.” Taeyeon’s head rose up when she heard her father speak for the first time.

Her heartbeat sped up in an instant when she heard her father’s words. Taeyeon’s mind was running miles and miles. She wonders if he knows. She wonders why he spoke to her like that. But the biggest question in her mind that moment is that, why does his father was gently smiling at her with eyes full of emotions she couldn’t all name. Was it love, caring, understanding, acceptance, trust? She doesn’t quite know. This is the first time in such a long time that she and her father had ever looked into each other’s eyes. And then she heard something slowing cracking deep inside her.

~~~~~~~

“Who do they think they are?” Taeyeon heard the faint shout of her mother from their closed bedroom.

“Yeobo, please calm down! They are your sisters and your brothers. Please relax remember your blood pressure!” She heard her father’s soothing voice trying to calm her mother as she walk slowly toward their door. Taeyeon has no intention of eavesdropping at her parents but her mother really sounds mad.

“I can’t calm down! When they are bad mouthing my daughter! Your daughter! I swear I will not talk to them for a long time if they don’t stop their stupid way of thinking against OUR daughter!” Taeyeon flinched a couple of meters away from the door.

“I know Yeobo, but what else can we do? Not anyone can be open about it. But it doesn’t matter what they say. What matter is we know that our daughter is not doing anything bad to anything and to anyone. All that matter is Taeyeon, you already know how difficult this is to hers right? Let’s not put more worries into her shoulders. I know in time she will come to us. Just be patient and don’t mind what they say, the only thing that matters right now is US, her FAMILY, her PARENTS, her SIBLINGS.

Taeyeon didn’t notice how she reached her parents’ bedroom door and how did she had the courage to turn the door knob and showed herself to her sobbing mother and shocked father.

“How?... Why?... I… I… I’m sorry!” Taeyeon ran away as fast as she can back to her room and cried her eyes out. She didn’t notice how slowly her bedroom door opened and entered a tall lean figure.

And then, ever so slowly a gentle big hand caressed the top of her head and a thick masculine voice hum a slow lullaby in her ears. And slowly, Taeyeon calmed down and felt the warmth she missed so much.

“I remember you used to like it when I pat your head and hum to you like this when you’re still a baby. Glad to know it still could stop you from crying.” Taeyeon lay still with her back against her father. She doesn’t need to turn around to see that her father is gently smiling at her again.

She just stayed still from that moment on wards. Waiting for what will happen next. What would her father say to say. Or maybe because she just want to feel more of her father’s gentle caress that she missed so much.

“I also used to do this every night when you would have a bad dream. You would sneak into our bedroom crying and I would put you back to bed again or sometimes when I just feel like patting your head slowly like this measuring it at the same time if you had grown up a little the days I didn’t get to see you. I always do that a lot with you and your brother and sister since I was always away. But then all you get to learn the usage of the invention called locks. I never get the chance to pat your head like this again.” Tears started to flow out of Taeyeon’s eyes as she quietly listen to her father’s soothing voice.

“I’m sorry if Appa was never around to give you answers to your questions. Appa is sorry that he never gets to give you advices on dates and love. But I know, that you are a very smart girl so I never get worried one bit in that matter and also because I trust you enough on that part. But, there is this part where Appa is really really sorry to you.” Taeyeon’s silent crying was already reducing due to the continuous gentle caress on her head but only to cry again and harder this time when her father continued his words.

“That is, I was not always around you to protect you from people’s harsh word and judging eyes who are trying to bring you down with their nasty doings. If only I was there, I would have cover your eyes and ears so you don’t have to see or hear them but Appa knows that it would be selfish of me to deprive you from reality of life no matter how harsh it may be. But a father must do what a father has got to do, I should have stand by your side and held you hand tight so you could have walk straight with head held high against those people’s judging eyes. But I didn’t get the chance to do that to you that time because I know I brought that distance between us by myself. So, Appa is really really sorry to you Taengoo.” Taeyeon cried harder and harder especially the moment she had heard that old nickname only her father called her.

“Remember, when you always broke your toys when you are little? I always tried to fix them when I get home from work. And then I will see them broken again the next day but I’ll still try to fix them anyway. But so you remember when your sister broke your dollhouse. I tried to fix it but I really can’t so I just secretly bought you a new one again and then you told us you no longer like it and just gave it to you sister since you said she liked it more than you did.” She heard her father laugh  with a secret joke that he suddenly remembers. Unknowingly, that laughter also made her smile. Of course she remembers, and she wonders who fixed all her broken toys.

“And then there’s your school programs, Parents Day and those declamation contest you joined at that I couldn’t attend that you would disguise as simple classroom gathering so that I won’t feel bad. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to attend all those. It would probably a million times better watching my daughter speaks so proudly about her father than watching it through video tapes. I’m glad Jiwoong taped them all.” Taeyeon’s thoughts suddenly feels so full as she listen to her father’s stories.

‘He knew, he watched me when I recited that poem about him during that program!’ Although hearing late, Taeyeon couldn’t help but feel warm and happy.

“And there’s your poem again that won 1^st place and got publish in your school’s paper. Hayeon, earn herself a couple of bucks because she told me that she’ll buy me the best news paper in the world. I thought she was only playing trick on me but when she showed me the paper. It was indeed the best news paper in the world.” Taeyeon listens as his father’s voice speak up with such pride and joy. Deep inside she feels so happy knowing that her father was indeed happy to get to read that paper.

‘They were right Appa would flip out. That Hayeon tricked us!’ She mentally wants to smacked her sisters head and hug her at the same time.

“And then there was that time when you’ve gone missing from school. Your mother was really furious at you. Because you were never had been the type to skipped classes what more not entirely attending school and wandering around to places we don’t know of. But honestly I was more worried than mad at you. Because I should have been the one that you should have run into when you’re troubled and lost but since I was not there all the time. you decided to look for answers all by yourself.” The gentle caress on her head stopped and the next thing Taeyeon felt was long and hard arms enveloped her in an embrace. That kind of embrace that made her felt safe right from the beginning.

“Taengoo, you don’t have to feel like that ever again, you shouldn’t even have to suffer that in the first place if only Appa was there by your side. From now on, Appa would try to be there even though you’re now big and strong. Don’t ever let people judgment bring you down. All of us will stand by your side no matter what. You will always be Appa little girl, the moment I first held you in my arms when your Umma gave birth to you. I knew that no matter what happen you will always be my precious baby. And the fear I also had that moment of that day is still here. That I know one day someone would take away the heart of my baby girl and that I have no choice but to share my precious girl with someone else. No matter who that someone will be. I would gladly share you with that someone as long that someone would promise me that you will taken care of and will be loved whole heartedly.” Taeyeon returned the hug tightly that made her father hug her just as tight.

“Appa, I love you!” She whispered in her father’s protective arms.

“I love you too my daughter!” Taeyeon felt a soft kiss landed on the top of her head.

“From now on, never keep any secrets from us anymore. Okay?!”

“I promise!”

“In return, I also promise to make up for all the lost times I never get to spend with all you.”

“And Taengoo, can you promise Appa one more thing?” Taeyeon looked up to meet her father’s worried eyes.

“If you have problems, please come to Appa or Umma. Especially when you need advice on how to woo your crush. Don’t be like your brother, since he never asked for my advice he never gets the girl and always ends up being busted! For your info, I’m very good at courting girls. I wouldn’t get your mother and have all of you here if I’m not! Right!” Her father’s laugh out loud and Taeyeon couldn’t help but blushed at the way their conversions are running into.

“APPA!” Was all the flustered Taeyeon could say.

A Father is every daughter’s first love.

A Father is every daughter’s first image of what hero should be.

A Father is every daughter’s first dance before someone comes and sweeps them off their feet.

A Father is neither an anchor that holds us back,

Nor a sail that would take us there.

But a guiding light that whose love will show us the way.

A Father might be invincible during daytime, but always comes home at night.

And in darkness he cast all the fears away,

And gives nothing but warmth and protection within his embrace.