“Never beg a man for things you deserve.
The right one will give you everything you never even knew about.” - unknown
 

New Year Eve.

Hyoyeon really outdid herself, mused Yoona as she surveyed the scene before her, taking in the exuberant atmosphere, listening to the jovial chatter as the crowd intermingled with one another. Seniority and departments had no place in the highly anticipated Peace Minus One’s New Year Eve company party. And it was then, did Yoona wonder, how it was possible to feel so alone in a place so crowded.

Of late, she had began to contemplate her purpose, her place in Jiyong’s life. Just what were they exactly? Sure they had been spending a considerable amount of time together, but that was it. Jiyong hadn’t given any signs that he would like to take things further and Yoona wondered if this was as far as they would go. Had it all been wishful thinking? Thinking that she mattered to Jiyong, that she would have a place in his life. Was whatever they had not a mutual attraction but an one-sided affair? And even worse still, why is she even caring about that?

Yooa sighed, feeling the oncoming of a headache. Drowning her drink, Yoona was about to walk to bar for a refill when she heard the voices. Hiding herself behind the divider, Yoona positioned herself better to listen in to the gossip of her co-workers.

“Do you think that Bella and Jiyong are truly dating?”

“I highly doubt it. I mean take a look, they aren’t even spending time together now. Look, Mr Kwon is over there chatting up to Suzy and friends.”

Yoona looked in the direction of where Jiyong was instinctively and the sight of Jiyong smirking charmingly to the group of laughing girls piercing her heart.

“But they go for lunch on a near daily basis!” insisted the first voice.

“Eyy,” interrupted another voice, “That doesn’t count for anything official. For all we know, Mr Kwon might just be treating Bella like one of his extra flings on the side.”

“True, if Mr Kwon were serious about Bella, he would’ve done something about Kiko. He’s still engaged isn’t he?”

“Omo! Doesn’t that make Bella the other woman? Seducing a taken man, how despicable!”

Yoona turned, walking away from the group of gossipmongers. She had heard enough. Each of their vicious words fed her existing insecurities, amplifying the doubt she already had within. Yoona fought a bitter chuckle. The other woman; how was it that she had managed to turn herself into the one thing she hated the most in the world? How was it that she became the despicable one when all she was doing was taking back what she was owed? Why was she always the one in the wrong no matter what?

Yoona stared in the direction of Jiyong once more, her sorrow in sync with each breath she took. He never sees me, she realized. The certainty of the dreadful statement weighing her heart down like an achor deep falling into the bottomless sea. No matter how hard she tries, Kwon Jiyong never did see her, not when it mattered the most.

Scorned, Yoona turned her back on the tortuous sight, making a beeline towards the bar before ordering the stiffest drink possible. The night was young, and so was she. With a toss of her drink, her courage and resolution grew. If Kwon Jiyong doesn’t see her, she’ll just find someone else that does. Young, wild and free, Im Yoona was ready to party for the night, to end off the year with a bang, matters of the heart be damned.

A lone man smoked at the empty stairwell, the moonlight pouring in from the extensive glass windows.

Jiyong took a deep puff of his cigarette, inhaling the spicy tobacco and relishing in the burn. Jiyong sighed as he took another puff. The girl had been avoiding him throughout the entire night of the party, giving him the cold treatment as she partied hard and along with her fellow office-mates. Jiyong frowned, the bitter taste of jealousy lingering in his mouth as he recalled her wild abandonment with the other men; the laughs and smiles she had gave freely, the utter smitten looks given by the male colleagues who had the luck to be in her company tonight. Jiyong sighed once more, wondering if he had done something wrong to upset the girl.

Jiyong exhaled moodily, blurring his vision with the white smoke. Just then, the door leading to the stairwell swung open. Jiyong spun towards the door in surprise, taken aback by the abrupt action, before frowning in concern when he saw who it was exactly that stumbled out. The girl was drunk, he could tell.

Yoona swayed at where she stood, cursing her luck when she saw just who it was at the top of the staircase. All she wanted was to head to the open roof for a fresh bout of air, but there he was, the source of her woes, standing proud and tall in the middle of her way. Sniffing at the man’s judgemental look, Yoona trudged on, climbing the stairs with a moderate amount of difficulty. She wasn’t about to let the man ruin her night more than he already did.

Jiyong snuffed his cigarette, grabbing onto the girl as she passed him, “Where are you going?”

Pouting, Yoona tried to shake Jiyong’s grip to no avail. The man merely held onto her tighter, releasing her only when he had maneuvered her expertly into the corner of the stairway, boxing her into the corner. Sure she still had somewhat of a personal space but there was no way she could leave (be it to climb up or down the stairs) without getting past Jiyong.

Pouting further, Yoona let out a little sigh when she saw that Jiyong was still looking at her intently, awaiting her answer. “The open roof.” she simply said, offering no other explanation.

Jiyong’s brow rose questionably at the girl’s answer. If he weren’t so concerned (and a little mad) at the girl, he would have found her drunken antics rather adorable.

Silence settled between the two as Jiyong continued staring at the girl while she focused her attention on the ground as she swayed.

“What’s wrong?” asked Jiyong softly.

Yoona shook her head resolutely, her eyes downcast, wanting to keep her secret to herself.

Jiyong lifted her chin gently with the prop of his index finger, taking care not to spook the girl as he forced her to meet his eye, “What’s wrong?”, he repeated.

The concern she saw reflecting in his eyes and the hush of his whisper did nothing but to widen the gulf in her heart. And amidst it all, she was drowning, drowning further in the depth of the man’s brown orbs. How was it that he was always her undoing?

 

Yoona felt the familiar burn in her eyes, “I can’t find it.”

The confession left her in the barest of whisper. She wanted to tell him, she wanted to tell him all so that he would finally understand, and perhaps then, some of her pain can be washed away like the leaving tide. And maybe then, she could finally breathe.

“Find what?” asked Jiyong gently. The vulnerability the girl was displaying was doing nothing but triggering all sorts of protective instincts within him into overdrive. She looked so lost that he wanted nothing more than to hold her close, to chase her sorrow away.

“My space.”

Jiyong furrowed his brows in confusion at the girl’s cryptic answer. He retracted the finger that was propping her chin up, allowing the girl to focus her attention onto the ground once more as the gears in his mind spun to make sense of the two simple words uttered. Her space? What space?

Abruptly, the girl snapped her head up, pinning him with her unblinking gaze, and Jiyong could do nothing but to allow himself to be into the tantalizing swirl of her irises.

“Can’t you see me?”

Jiyong felt his confusion deepen at the girl's question, a distinctive blend of pain and loneliness colouring her tone that had his brows furrow in concern.

“I do.” he said simply, not understanding where did was coming from, watching as the girl slumped her shoulders dejectedly at his answer as she shook her head sadly with each sway of her body.

“No, no you don’t.” And the conviction that rang true in her answer, the belief that bellied her words said, hurt him more than expected.

With his gaze centered on her, Jiyong kept his silence, knowing that there was little point in trying to convince a drunken woman, awaiting her next move.

Blustered by reckless courage, Yoona pinned her unblinking eyes onto Jiyong, the latter which had his traitorous heart skip a heart at the sheer intensity of her gaze. And for a seemingly long second, the air between them charged with an unknown entity, the silence causing the hair to stand on end; the knowing of something huge was about to happen on an instinctual level.

“Why aren’t we together?” There, it was out there in the open now; the one question that had been plaguing her mind the entire night. She had to know. She needed to know.

Jiyong froze at her question, not knowing how to answer. Saliva pooled in his mouth as his throat died. How was he to answer that given the complexity of things between them?

“Don’t ask the question that we’re both not ready to answer, love.”

Yoona pouted at the man’s answer, her tears pricking her eyes at the apparent rejection. In her drunken state, she had missed the accidental endearment that had slipped from Jiyong. She shook her head determinedly, “I am.” she insisted.

Jiyong offered her a sad smile at that, “Then maybe, I’m the one who’s not.”

Yoona furrowed her brows, unhearing. “Am I not enough?” she asked, and Jiyong’s heart broke a little at how broken she sound. Had he been hurting her all these while? How could she, a woman so magnificent, doubt her worth for a man like him?