Dear Yixing,

I started seeing a therapist. The day I felt your presence leave me, I felt like it would be best to talk to someone about my feelings. He said that writing letters to you about big events in my life or times when I miss you the most will help me release my energy rather than hold it in and depress it. Oh god, Yixing, I miss you so much. The day you died, was the day I died, now I’m simply living but without you. I want to die so I can be with you, but I want to make you proud of me. I want to keep all the promises we made. Wait for me okay, honey? I love you~

Jongin

My love,

I finally graduated college! I didn’t think I’d make it, but I somehow did. I also was able to start working for a dance company a little ways from home. It pays well and I get to do what I love… what we loved. It’s gotten easier to breathe, but not to live. Every day is a struggle, but my therapist is helping me to see the brighter side of things. But there really is nothing brighter than you. Are you still waiting for me, my angel? Even if you moved on to another life, I want you to know, I still love you.

Jongin

My angel,

I opened up my own dance studio! It took some time, but I finally got it. I named it The Last Dance Company. I wanted to put your name in there, but then it would be too personal and I’m trying to keep my work life separate from my personal life. On the downside of things, the place I was able to lease is on the other side of town… I’m going to have to move. Yixing, I don’t want to leave our apartment, it has some many memories of you, of us. I can’t just let that all go no matter how many times people say I need to move on. You just can’t drop everything and move on once a piece of you dies… No one seems to understand that… I hope you understand that I have to move and aren’t upset with me. I could never forget you. I love you~

Jongin

Yixing,

Why did God have to take you away from me? Does he really hate me that much? All I wanted was you. All I needed was you… why’d you have to disappear from my life? Your love is fading into a distant memory as I grow older. My heart still aches when the anniversary of your death comes around. I can’t do anything but lie in our bed lifeless, wishing my breathing would stop and I could see you again. Why does the pain still linger when your scent has already disappeared? Why can’t I just fall asleep and never wake up~

Jongin

My Angel,

I’ve got some news!! A while ago I went to an adoption agency and they matched me up with some kids they think I’d get along with (I know, it sounds weird, but it’s true). I just got the call from them yesterday that the papers were approved and they had a child for me! I picked him up today and took him to the toy store to pick out some things he would like to have. He reminds me of you. He even has the little dimple in his cheek but on the opposite side. Our child’s name is Kim Lay, and I love every bit of him already. I miss you and I love you~

Jongin

Dearest Love,

I didn’t really pay attention to it at the moment, but now that it’s close, I realized when Lay’s birthday is. The day you died eight years ago was the day Lay was born. He saw pictures of you and I all around the house and began to wonder who you were. I told him that you were my lover and would’ve been his other dad, but he refers to you as mommy. For his eighth birthday, he asked if he could visit you. I didn’t want to deny our child the right to see you on his birthday so I said yes. He brought you flowers and talked to you about how he wished he could’ve met his mommy. Lay may be young, but he’s very intelligent like you. I never smiled on the anniversary of your death, but I did this time… Lay made me remember all the reasons I pushed myself to keep moving on. Now I see why it was worth it. Watch over our son, baby. I wanted him to always be protected by the both of us. I love you~

Jongin

Yixing,

I visited your parents for Christmas with Lay. They loved him so much, they couldn’t stop spoiling him with attention and love and gifts. He went to your old room and played with his new toys. He said he felt you with him like a warm breeze on a sunny afternoon. How does he know these things? He’s only eight! I strongly believe he gets it from you because I was never that wise at eight. I just barely became smart nine years ago! Honey, I think this is worth living for. I don’t know why God took you from me so soon before we could start our life together, but I know he has his reason and as I’m getting older, I’m beginning to come to peace with it. I still miss you, day in and day out~

Jongin

Lovey,

I turned thirty today. Oh God, I feel so old. I never thought I’d see strands of gray hair this early in my life, but Lay pointed them out to me. You know, people warned me that he would start to become defiant since he’s twelve, but he isn’t. He still listens to me and he does all of his homework and he goes out with friends and he does his chores, he’s a good kid. I don’t want him grow up, but I know it inevitable. We made it a tradition to go out and visit you on his birthday so he can talk to you about stuff. I wonder what he tells you, I wonder if he loves you as much as I do. I think it’s nice to believe that even though he never knew you, he has so much love for you. I also think it’s a little funny when his friends come over and point to you in pictures and ask ‘who’s that?’ and he simply smiles and replies ‘my mommy.’ He really thinks a lot of you. I love you~

Jongin

“Hello mommy. I’m sixteen today,” Lay said as he crouched down and looked at Yixing’s headstone, carefully placing the fresh bouquet of flowers in front of it. “I know you must think it’s weird that I’m so attached to you even though I never got to meet you, but I know you. The stories dad tells me about you and he makes me feel like I know you. Grandma and Grandpa love to show me old photos of you and I think it’s rather interesting how similar we look. I have dad’s facial structure, but I have your dimple, your smile, your eyes, your hair, even your nose. I wonder how life would be different if you were alive.

“Sometimes I hear dad crying at night when he thinks I’m asleep, and I can’t help but feel helpless. I know he misses you more than he’s willing to admit. I kind of wish he’d find someone else to love, but I understand that once you find the one, you can’t ever replace them.

I don’t want dad to be lonely when I go off to college. Promise me, you’ll keep a close eye on him? I’ll visit every chance I get, but I need to make sure he’s safe and I can only be sure if I know you’re watching over him…”

Lay paused and looked up to the cloudy sky. A soft breeze rolled against his skin and he fluttered his eyes close to bask in the feeling. A stray tear rolled down his cheek as he felt a warm, loving presence with him and that’s when he knew.

“Thank you, mommy. I love you.”

Dear Yixing,

Lay graduated from grade school today. He’ll be moving out next week and going to live in a dorm on campus. I’m going to miss him so, so much, but he won’t be too far away. He’s going to a college just an hour away, but I know he’ll be extremely busy with his schoolwork. He wants to be a musician. He’s great at the piano and his voice is so angelic… I hope he makes it in the music industry like he wants. Please protect our son, I don’t want anything to happen to him while I’m not there. I know you will either way, but I just wanted to ask out of reassurance. The house will feel so empty with just me. Maybe I should get a dog… I love you~

Jongin

My only Angel,

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing. My life has come to a lull. Not boring, but just like a slowing down. Lay is a big star now. He’s with a big music company and is in a band with five other guys. He gets to travel the world like we both always wanted and he writes his own music… He’s living life and I’m so proud of him. He never forgets to call me every other day when he can. I’ve never been so proud before in my life. He’s hardworking and he spoils me like I used to do to him. We went to Machu Picchu just last month… It was breathtaking. I wanted to stay there for a while and just breathe in the fresh, mountain air. I know you would’ve loved it. Wait for me, honey. I’m almost there, I can feel it~

Jongin

My Love,

Our son got married! I can’t believe I got to see this in my life. So long ago, I would’ve given up everything to be with you, but I now know why you stopped me each time… because this was worth seeing, worth experiencing. I know it won’t be long before we become grandparents. Oh how I can’t wait to spoil them rotten!

I still dream of you. On days when it storms and thunder shakes the house, I cry myself to sleep and dream of you. You keep me calm and tell me everything will be alright. I wish I could feel you, hear you, smell you, see you… I want nothing but you, even after all this time. I still am very much in love with you~

Jongin

Mister Yixing,

We’re finally grandparents!! Oh, Lay and Minah made a beautiful baby girl. She’s a little bundle of joy that I want to keep to myself. I feel so old, though. I’m a grandparent and I’m not even fifty yet. I’ll give her all of our loving and spoil her rotten just as you would’ve. Wait for me, baby. Not too long now~

Jongin

My Honey,

I’m fifty now. Half way to one hundred. You know, I kinda think it’s a good thing that you can’t see me like this… with gray hair and a few wrinkles. I still dance and run my own studio, but it’s expanded a lot more in the past twenty years or so. I’ve also opened up a café called Ama-xing Bakery. Ever since our son recommended the bakery, we’ve had a non-stop flow of sales. It’s slowly becoming a chain of bakeries, but it’s still small and has its uniqueness to it. I did get a dog. Her name is Sunshine… I know, very original, but she seems to never stop waging her tail. It’s like she’s always happy, even if she does nothing but lounge on the couch with me all day. Soon, my love… real soon~

Jongin

My Baby,

I saw you today. I injured myself while teaching a class and I out, but it was like a dream. I saw you as how you were back when we were eighteen. You told me how my time was near, but this wasn’t it. You said I had a little more to go, but not to forget that I am an important person in this world. When I woke up, I spent my first few hours wishing it wasn’t a dream, but then I remembered what you said and realized that if it were true, so many people would be sad that I hadn’t even turned sixty yet. I know the time will come, and when I does, I’ll walk into that light with no regrets and a heart full of love. One day~

Jongin

Dear Yixing,

I gave Sunshine to our granddaughter last month. I feel the time coming sooner and sooner. I’m sixty eight now and there’s not much more I can do other than love our child and grandchild. I’m seeing you more and more often now, that’s how I know the time is closer than we all think. I already wrote out my will, leaving every little thing to our only son and his family. Minah can sense that I’m close as well, that’s why she’s pushing Lay to spend more and more time with me. She’s a wonderful woman, I’m thankful Lay has someone as amazing as her… Just a little but longer~

Jongin

My Angel,

I just spent the whole day with our son and his family. We took lots of pictures and laughed until tears appeared in the corners of our eyes. Our granddaughter is almost done with grade school. I wish I could be there physically to see her graduate, but I know I can’t. Before Minah left, she kissed my cheek and said ‘Go, be with the one you love. I’ll take care of Lay.’ She smiled softly and willed her tears away as she left with Lay and our granddaughter. I feel the end. That’s why I’m writing this one last letter, to say goodbye to this world… I’m on my way, Yixing. Wait for me at the end of the tunnel~

Your one and only,

Jongin

“Yixing?” Jongin called as he walked around the emptiness that surrounded him. A figure was off in the distance and the beating in his chest told him to run towards it with open arms. Suddenly, it disappeared, but warm, familiar arms circled around his waist.

“I’m here, Jongin. I waited for you,” Yixing whispered into his ear. Jongin spun around and came face to face with his lover. They were both young again, back to eighteen. Yixing smiled and his dimple showed for Jongin, making his heart skip a beat as he looked over the one he missed for so long.

“I wrote to you.”

“I know, I watched you. Our son… he’s wonderful. You did a fantastic job at raising him alone.”

“I wasn’t ever alone, my angel,” Jongin said as he lifted Yixing’s hand up to his mouth and placed a gentle kiss on his knuckle. “You were always helping me along the way.”

Yixing beamed and pulled Jongin in for a long waited and well deserved kiss. When they pulled away a light came into view and Yixing smiled.

“Are you ready?” Yixing asked as he intertwined their fingers and gestured towards the light.

“As long as I’m with you, together forever.”

Yixing smiled and pulled Jongin along as they crossed over into a place of eternity where they’d be together forever.

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A/N: I still cried while writing this. It seems to never get any easier, but at least the ending is something worth smiling about. My heart feels a little empty now that this is complete. I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did!! Thank you for all of your comments and support!!

Thank you~