Summer inevitably came around, and I got used with my part-time job. It was better than I had expected, even if most of the tasks given to me was to archive different documents from several departments. The nine-to-five pace in the publishing house during my shifts flew by rather quickly, and the workers were very gracious towards me. It was easy to adapt, considering the atmosphere was not rigid.

I usually spent my time in offices, organizing folders, printing and stapling things together. I would run errands for the staff, as well. Simply put, I played the role of a water boy. I did not detest it, though. After all, I was able to observe the stirrings of a publishing house up close, and even got into the root of things from the documents I arranged. I was grateful, to work at that kind of place. For a university student, it was the ideal job.

“Sunggyu!”

I looked ahead upon hearing my name, swerving from my task at that time to focus on Mr. Hong, the employee who gave me the tour on my first day. He had a pair of kind eyes, and graying hair. He was tall and well-built—giving people the impression of him being a sophisticated aristocrat. When in truth, he was good at teasing others and had a thing for dancing to trot songs. Smiling, I bowed. “What can I do for you?”

He pointed at the lobby with his thumb. “Your girlfriend’s here again.”

“Sunye isn’t my girlfriend,” I replied.

Mr. Hong grinned, and, in a playful tone, added, “Yet. Well, Sunggyu, you better hurry. She brought you lunch, I bet. Have a break first, and then return afterwards, all right?”

I bowed again. “Thank you very much.”

He gestured me to hasten my pace, to which I did. By the time I arrived at the lobby, Sunye was indeed there, wearing a blue summer dress, with a bag resting beside her. She was swinging her feet, and I noticed how she suited silver doll shoes. She paused, looked at me, and with a warm smile, waved at me.

“Came to feed me with your homemade food again?” I asked.

She stuck her tongue out. “No. Let’s eat outside today, Kim Sunggyu.”

“Sure thing,” I replied.

I approached her, and she stood up. I took her bag, and together, we stepped out of the building.

“You’re really taking this job seriously,” she remarked, as we walked on the pavement, which seemed to crackle because of the scorching heat of the sun. The chirps of the cicadas drowned the city sounds, and the sky, being too bright, began to sting my eyes a little.

“Because I love it,” I answered. Glancing at her, I asked, “You’ve no classes today?”

“Our lecturer ditched us,” she shrugged, and pointed at the pasta restaurant across the road. “I’m craving for some carbonara. How about you?”

“Whichever goes.”

“Pasta it is,” she nodded, and we waited for the green man to flash.

The air conditioner instantly cooled our bodies down, and the waiter—he was eighteen, perhaps—led us to the second floor. He gave us the menu, and left us to decide. True to her word, Sunye ordered carbonara. I, on the other hand, settled for sweet spaghetti.

“I want to eat as much food as I can,” she remarked suddenly. “Taste the dishes each country has to offer, or even dress the way they would. You know, Sunggyu, I actually want to do so many things at once. If I could travel the world in a day, I would.”

I stopped short, and stared at Sunye. Just stared. Her hair was tied in a high, loose bun. The intelligent sparkle in her eyes did not waver. Then, I blurted out, “How could someone like you suffer like that?”

There was a pause. Slowly, a smile broke out from her reddish lips. “Do you think it’s sad?”

“I’m just wondering why God would let you get sick to that extent.”

“You know, Job asked his wife once, ‘We take good days from God—why not also the bad ones?’”

I didn’t reply. At that time, seeing Sunye request temporary leaves from school because of her illness, and watching her health fluctuate, made me doubt. Though I grew up attending church, and knowing who Jesus is from my days in the orphanage—only to be continued in my new home—I couldn’t help but feel so far away. As if I was missing a very important mark. I had one hand raised in worship, while the other was chained to the ground. I saw myself as a hypocrite, and that discouraged me from approaching Him. I felt the need to fix my screw-ups first.

But, what kept me chained?

Fear, I suppose. The fear of Sunye having to die before me. And the fear of my growing attraction towards Suzy. While working in the company, it slowly dawned on me: I wanted to be a proofreader because of my sister. I subconsciously took the path which involved her interests.

And I felt dirty. Having those thoughts, for me, was like betraying my foster parents. Letting myself suffer in quiet condemnation seemed so right. It was the only thing I could do, to compensate my heart.

“Just because I have cancer, does not mean I am abandoned,” Sunye began. “I don’t know about you, Sunggyu, but I am happy, knowing my standing before God does not depend on my performance. It solely depends on Christ. Now, isn’t that good news?”

I looked at her, wondering if she saw right through me. Her words somehow cleared the dark patches of clouds in my mind. That, in all honesty, made me hope. I wasn’t too far gone; I could still fight, because I am not on my own.

After everything that was running in my head, all I could say to her was, “Hm.”

“I hope you can share that story to another person, too,” Sunye said, a quiet smile gracing her lips. “Job’s story, I mean.”

“We’ll just have to see,” I replied.

<:>

I didn’t bring my car with me that day, due to it being scheduled for maintenance. Sunye and I decided to commute instead of taking a cab. On our way to the subway station, a cloudburst occurred, causing the both of us to take cover. The nearest place we could run to was a closed café. We stood in the porch, and watched the heavy force of the rain quench the thirsty ground, which already began to smell like the earth. It was a prominent, pleasant scent—something warm, and nostalgic.

“Petrichor!” Sunye cried, her voice fighting against the crisp and thunderous sound of the downpour. “Do you smell that? It’s called petrichor!”

Sunye was looking at me, so I naturally stared back at her. Her shoulders, along with the top of her head, were damp. Without even thinking, I pulled her in, and kissed her forehead. It was a quick process. She was speechless, and so was I. We both looked the other way, and after a few minutes, streams of golden sunlight pierced through the dissolving gray clouds. The city steadily became alive, and the cicadas were beginning to chirp, once again.

“Shall we go?” I finally offered.

She didn’t reply. Sighing, I turned to her to apologize, but paused, upon seeing her eyes fixed on the heavens. Something felt off, and I realized what it was. The usual glimmer in her eyes was replaced by something else. Something melancholic.

“I love you, but I’m dying,” she whispered.

“It’s all right.”

A pause.

“Is it okay if I burden you?”

“It would be an honor.”

Even now, I still remember the quiet smile she wore, as she kept on staring at the brilliant, already clear sky, before commenting on how loud the cicadas were.

Although we never vocalized it, the both of us knew we were doing each other a favor. It was not the kind of relationship I expected to have at the age of twenty, but I think Sunye did more things for me, than I could ever do for her.

<:>

I broke the news to mother and father; I made sure the three of us were alone in the house. I told them I was going out with someone, and I would love it if they could meet her. I told them how Sunye and I met, and several more stories of our days spent together. Of course, I didn’t tell them she was ill. I felt it was not the right time.

“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “For being too hasty.”

“From what we hear, she is a nice girl,” father remarked. “Of course, Sunggyu, it would be our pleasure to meet her.”

I looked at my foster parents, who stared at me with love in their eyes and love on their lips. As if they knew why I was doing what I was doing. I bowed to them gratefully, and exactly, Suzy and Sang Moon entered the living room, carrying a plastic bag each—they bought items from the convenience store.

“We’re back!” the siblings chorused.

“Ah, now we can make patbingsoo,” mother commented. I stood up and took the bags from the siblings.

“Thank you,” I said, before heading to the kitchen. Mother instructed me to leave everything on the table, and not long after, Suzy, Sang Moon and I stayed in my room. The air conditioner was in full blast. Sang Moon brought his game console with him, while Suzy comfortably sprawled herself on my bed, her brows furrowed out of concentration as she wrote on her notebook. I decided to read a paperback.

“Why are you all in here?” I finally asked.

“AC,” they said monotonously.

I chuckled. “It is really hot.”

“But what was with the atmosphere earlier?” Suzy asked.

I glanced at her. “Hm?”

“When Sang Moon and I arrived,” she began. “The air was different. Did you do something?”

“I suppose I did,” I answered.

Suzy sat up straight, while Sang Moon paused his game. Their expression expectant, they waited for me to continue.

“Well?” Suzy pushed.

I cleared my throat, placed my paperback down and looked away. “I got myself a girlfriend.”

“No way!” Sang Moon cried. “Who is she? Is she pretty? Will we meet her?”

I heard nothing from Suzy, but something broke, nevertheless. She waited for a few good minutes before finally excusing herself. I didn’t dare chase after her, because I knew she stepped out to cry. I noticed from the way her shoulders slumped, and from the certain stiffness of her jaw.

That night, just as I was about to enter my room, Suzy opened her door, and asked, “What’s her name? Your girlfriend.”

Silence engulfed the both of us. I stayed frozen in place, but I managed to open my mouth. “Sunye. Lee Sunye.”

Suzy looked down briefly, and met my eyes again. “It’s a pretty name.”

“It is.”

“Will she be taking you away, then?”

It took me some time to register her question in my mind, but before I could even reply, Suzy had already closed her door. I wanted to tell her, that it wasn’t like that at all. That I would still be the Sunggyu she knew, and things would still be okay.

But I didn’t push through with it, because it felt like I was defending myself. I carried different thoughts. Not as an older brother, but as a boy.

<:>

Things changed, in a matter of weeks. Word got out, and my seniors in the publishing company never got tired of teasing me, with Mr. Hong saying he knew it all along. He asked when the wedding would take place, and I would only reply with a sheepish smile. That was all I could do, after all.

I have also formally introduced myself to Sunye’s parents, and I was expecting them to be taken aback, to know a good friend of their daughter became her boyfriend. But they weren’t. Instead, they said how much they’ve heard about me. They told me to look after Sunye well.

“It’s a joy to honor her,” I said.

Soon, we also went to our place, and I was happy, because mother and father welcomed her with open arms. They were kind towards her, and although Suzy was a bit reticent, she opened up to Sunye nevertheless. They shared books, and talked about their favorite authors.

To be honest, no siginificant shift took place. We still talked about the same things, and went to the same places. I suppose the slight differences were the matching ring on our fingers and how we would hold hands as we walked down the streets. I suppose the more I held her, the more I noticed how her wrists became thinner by the day.

I was losing her.

We woke up early one day, and with a full tank, decided to head to Gyeongpodae beach. It was a spontaneous decision. The journey took us three hours, but considering the both of us were free, we decided to take our time. The navigator filled the silence, along with the music playing in the background.

The sky, on that day, was clear. The buildings from afar shimmered like crystals, and Sunye remarked about the birds having a difficult time flying, because it was too bright. She took a swig from her bottled water, and carried on watching the blur of sceneries outside. By the time we arrived, a number of people was already there, basking beneath the sun and playing ball games. Sunye quickly removed her sandals, and I changed into a pair of slippers before stuffing my shoes into the trunk.

“Hurry,” she beckoned, and with a smile, I took her waiting hand.

We simply walked, to and fro the shoreline. The fine sand massaged the soles of our feet, and the heat of the sun warmed the salty water lapping against our calves. I was wearing a pair of surfing shorts, while she looked beautiful in her white summer dress. She had a pair of black leggings underneath, folded above her knees. Our rings glimmered beneath the bright sunshine.

“I saw a piano in your house,” she remarked.

“It’s always been there,” I said.

“Do you play?”

“I do.”

She looked at me expectantly, and with a quiet smile, I said, “I’ll play for you soon.”

We ate lunch in a restaurant nearby. Considering we were by the sea, we took advantage of the ambience and ordered seafood. The abalones were tender, and the tentacles we ate were chewy, but its texture was just right. We downed everything with water, and afterwards, we headed for the shore, once again.

Our day was filled with comfortable silence, and warm stares. It felt like we were merely playing house, but for the both of us, it was the best way to go.

It was already dusk, and we returned to the car, which smelled of sweet strawberries because of my freshener. Our seats were warm. We didn’t go just yet. We watched the sun retreat for the sake of the moon; we opened the windows to let the fumes out.

“Thank you,” Sunye said.

“You’re welcome.”

“No, Sunggyu,” she looked at me. “Thank you.”

I my lower lip, and nodded. “It’s getting dark. Should we head back?”

“I want to stay for a little longer.”

“Do you want to go home tomorrow?”

“Will that be okay?”

“Let’s tell our parents,” I said. “We can book for a room nearby. I’m too tired to drive, as well.”

And that was what we did. We booked a single room, with a bed, a bathroom and a sofa. We sat by the windows, and talked. Just talked. She had no spare clothes with her, so she borrowed a spare from the duffel bag I brought. She looked so tiny in my shirt, and I had to admit she looked cute.

At one point, the atmosphere called for us to do something intimate. She must have read the flicker in my eyes, because she smiled, and looked away.

“I’m happy with the way things are now,” Sunye said. “I want your first to really matter, Sunggyu. It’s not with me. I’m sorry, for dragging you around like this, but for the sake of your future, I’m telling you again: I’m happy with the way things are now.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“You’re too kind,” she replied.

The both of us looked at the blue Gideon Bible resting on the drawer, and she asked, “Do you know why there are Bibles in hotel rooms?”

“No, not really.”

“Two travelling businessmen, who had never met before, shared a room in a crowded hotel,” Sunye was smiling, when she explained its history in a brief manner. “They talked, and figured they share the same faith. They just toyed with the idea of creating an evangelical association for Christian entrepreneurs. But look where it is now. When I heard that, I thought, ‘Ah, dreamers are just as important as doers.’”

“I see,” I quietly said. “There are some stories going around, how some plan to commit suicide in hotel rooms, but they see the Bible and think it over.”

“That happens, too,” Sunye replied. “Hey, Sunggyu, do you want to know a secret?”

I looked at her, a sad smile already gracing her lips.

“I’m one of those people.” 

"Receive and experience the amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, deep, deep within yourselves."
- Philippians 4:23