Perhaps, one of the direst mistakes I have ever committed, was to introduce my girlfriend on my younger sister’s birthday. It was a chilly afternoon, then, with gray clouds hovering low over Seoul—an unexpected twist, considering all we had were sunshine and clear skies for the past few days.

Sunye was nervous, when we met up hours before driving her to our house. It was her first time meeting my family, and on Suzy’s birthday, to top it off.

“Do they know?” she began. “About my condition?”

I shook my head, crumpling the paper napkin beneath my right palm. “I feel like I am not in the right position to disclose that kind of thing.”

She tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, and looked at her cup of coffee. I may have said the wrong thing. With a smile I couldn’t quite pin down, she nodded away, and said, “I see.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. That was all I could say.

“Don’t be,” she looked at me with her intelligent eyes. “You did what you could.”

I didn’t respond anymore. It was not a pleasant thought, but a part of me refused to let my parents feel sorry for Sunye. I didn’t want them to meet her with that kind of mindset. I was aware that perhaps, I was overthinking things. Nevertheless, I wanted to be sure. I wanted them to see Sunye as someone witty and bright, and not as the girl who was dying of cancer.

“Once they see me, they’ll notice,” Sunye pointed out, crossing her slender arms across her fragile chest. “It’s getting worse, Sunggyu. Soon, I’ll be bald and my complexion will change.”

“Hey,” I blurted out. “Don’t you trust God that he’ll heal you?”

She smiled. “I’m praying for that all the time, Sunggyu, but what I truly desire, is for His will to be done in my life.”

“What if you really—” I trailed off.

“Die?” she finished off for me.

I turned my head, and focused on the people outside, fighting against the strong gusts of wind. Their coats flailed in all directions.

“Then that’s that,” she said. “I’ve fought the good fight. I’ve kept the faith. I’ve finished the race.”

“You sound so fearless, I don’t know what to make out of it sometimes,” I remarked.

“I’m actually scared,” she replied. “My world grew, the moment I got to know you. I’m beginning to have more reasons to hold on, and that resolve is getting stronger. Still…”

“Still?” I pushed.

“I would choose to hold these days dearly. I’m going to love them tightly, but hold them loosely.”

I stayed silent.

“I don’t want to die with closed fists,” she finished off.

:::

Everyone welcomed Sunye warmly, but I knew mother was worried upon noticing her toothpick-thin wrists and sallow cheeks. Suzy’s smile failed to reach her eyes, and that was what hurt me the most.

It didn’t take long before Sunye got bombarded with questions. Nevertheless, she answered them graciously, not letting the conversation meet a dead end. We were all gathered in the living room, right after dinner, when Suzy suddenly stood up and yelled, “I hate you!” right in front of Sunye.

We all grew quiet, and Sunye was obviously shaken. Suzy turned her heels, and stormed her way upstairs. We were all speechless by the outburst of our youngest, but it was Sunye who broke the silence. She lightly tugged at my sleeve, and whispered, “Go.”

And that was exactly what I did.

Standing in front of Suzy’s door, I knocked for a few times, coaxing her to come out. It took some time, but she finally opened the door, and let me in.

I closed the door behind me, and Suzy sat down on her swivel chair. Eyes downcast, shoulders slumped.

“Suzy,” I began, in the calmest voice I could muster. “Is something bothering you?”

She shook her head, loose locks flying in all direction. “I’m okay.”

I asked her if she trusted me, and she said she did.

“Then,” I said. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

It was cruel of me to say such things, especially when I had the vaguest idea, as to what pushed Suzy to act that way. Nevertheless, I had a role to play, and keeping that in my mind was one of the few reasons which stopped me from embracing her the way an apologetic boy would when he hurt his beloved.

She sighed, and it was a different kind of sigh. It was the type which made me think her heart was unsteady, and it was at the brink of falling off the ledge. “That’s the problem, oppa,” she said. “I don’t know what’s bothering me.”

I controlled my pace in approaching her, holding every fiber of my being back. I squatted, just so I could see her eyes. I swallowed. “Is it about me having a girlfriend?”

The air around us became thick and still. She opened to respond, but only waterworks came out. She covered her face, already red from crying, and that was what broke the seal within me. Without thinking, I hugged her with all my might. I couldn’t bear to see her cry.

It took her some time to calm down. Then, she whispered, “Oppa, why do you like her?”

I paused, not really knowing how to answer. “Because she’s Sunye.”

“What makes Sunye unnie, Sunye?”

I sighed. My mind began to wander, only to end up with my notebook Suzy would read in secret. “She showed me a side of her I couldn’t help but admire.”

I found it a safe response, but it was nevertheless true. Sunye was admirable—even to a fault, perhaps.

Silence shrouded us, once again, and I figured that would be the best time to make her admit something. I thought once that act was revealed, then I would find it easier to let go, as well.

“You saw my notebook, didn’t you?” I began. Suzy froze. Seeing I wouldn’t receive anything from her just yet, I carried on comforting her, saying it was okay. That I’ve known it for quite some time, but it was my mistake for not telling her.

“Why didn’t you tell me, then?” she asked.

I said I thought it would pass.

She bit her lower lip, and admitted that what she felt was scaring her.

That was when I decided to get a hold of myself. I let go, and gripped her shoulders, making sure our eyes met. “You’re young,” I said. “It’s a given that a person like you would get emotionally unstable. Do you understand?”

She nodded.

“What you’re feeling for me right now, Suzy,” I swallowed. “It isn’t what you think it is. It’s far more trivial than that. You aren’t in love with me, do you hear me?”

She was already trembling, and she closed her eyes. I knew I hurt her. I just shut her down by invalidating her feelings. But what else was there for me to do? I didn’t want to get encouraged. I didn’t want to drown myself with the possibility of Suzy falling in love with me. I felt if I got too greedy, then I would take advantage of that. And I felt scared.

“When you grow up,” I choked out. “You’ll understand. I’ve been where you are. It’s difficult, but I’ll be there to guide you with every step of the way. Suzy, you are not in love with me.”

“Then what do I feel towards you?” she shot back, voice already weak.

“Admiration,” I blurted out. “You are my sister; I am your brother. No matter what—” she started squirming, wanting to escape from my grasp and the kind of conversation we were having. “Even if we’re not blood related—” she writhed all the more, closed her eyes to stop any new tears from falling, and turned the other way. “Suzy, stop. Look at me—I said look—” and she finally did. “Even if we’re not blood related, you will always be my lovely baby sister. You got that?”

She kept quiet, and so did I.

After some time, she mumbled, “I wish we didn’t adopt you.”

Everything stood still for me, the moment she let those words come out of . I was certain Suzy only said it out of anger, but it hurt me all the same. I squeezed her hands, then headed downstairs.

I told the others I would have to take Sunye home. They all apologized on Suzy’s behalf, but Sunye only smiled, and handed her gift to mother. “I bought this for Suzy. Sunggyu helped me choose.”

I helped Sunye slip into her coat, and after bidding farewell, I opened the door for her, and I took her to my car.

“I’m sorry for what happened earlier,” I said, when we were already out in the main road.

“Don’t be,” she replied. “It’s normal for Suzy to feel that way. It does seem like I’m stealing you away.”

I chuckled. “Must you still have the nerve to joke about this matter, Lee Sunye?”

She laughed, and smoothed down her skirt with her ashen palms. “Suzy’s like a tropical storm, isn’t she?”

“Boisterous,” I remarked, taking a right turn. “She rarely acts like a lady.”

“She will be the type of woman who would never leave anything unturned, once a person gets to know her. She has that kind of presence.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Really, now?”

Sunye nodded. “And what’s more: I’m actually happy she told me that.”

“Do elaborate.”

“She told me something without even being careful. It’s refreshing. People see me, then know about my condition. The next time we meet, it’d feel like they’re walking on eggshells. They’re too afraid to speak out, but Suzy’s different.”

“You blatantly sugarcoated her impulsive nature,” I said. “She wasn’t respectful towards you, and that isn’t right.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my girlfriend.”

My answer rendered Sunye speechless—one of the things that was, in general, quite difficult to achieve.

“You’re too good, Kim Sunggyu,” she remarked, before leaning back. She flicked the air freshener hanging on the rearview mirror. It was strawberry scented.

:::

“Did Sunye unnie really buy this for me?” Suzy showed me the plush toy we bought. A few days had passed since her outburst, and finally, she decided to approach me first. I was in the living room, then, proofreading some drafts in my laptop.

“She sure did,” I said.

“And she isn’t mad?” she sat down across me. “I said I hated her, and I didn’t even apologize. I got a good scolding from mom and dad, too!”

“And why is that?”

She sighed. “I know I’m wrong. But, is she angry?”

“Not one bit.”

Suzy cocked her head. “Why?”

“Because she’s Sunye.”

She smiled. “I should have known.”

Silence shrouded us, and without missing a beat, I said, “Do you want to talk to her?”

Suzy gave it a deep thought. She then looked at me, straight in the eye, and said, “I need to write this through.”

That was one of the many things I found interesting about Suzy. On most days when she wanted to actually think, she would write, instead. As if turning those abstract thoughts into something tangible would lead her to better answers. And I suppose it did just that.

At that time, Suzy didn’t request for a phone call. She asked me if she could take Sunye out on a date.

That plan was never put to action, though.

Cancer was, and still is, a killjoy.

"There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears."
- Philippians 1:6