Nothing I Can Say

As Baekhyun stood in front of Chanyeol, the sound of silence dominated his lips, trapping his bottled up words. There was nothing Baekhyun could say, and nothing that Chanyeol wanted to hear. Yet, Chanyeol stood there, his happy, stupid grin plastered on his face as if nothing in the world was wrong. And maybe nothing was. But something was definitely wrong with Byun Baekhyun.

Over the course of a week, Baekhyun had become a stranger to his own heart. Baekhyun questioned his feelings and intentions; Baekhyun questioned his relationship with Park Chanyeol. No matter how many love songs he listened to, no matter how many times he referenced the dictionary definition of "love", and no matter how hard he sincerely tried, Byun Baekhyun was at a loss. Byun Baekhyun no longer knew what he was doing. Byun Baekhyun no longer knew if he was Park Chanyeol's Byun Baekhyun, or if he was just Byun Baekhyun - hopeless idiot. And it's not because of anything on Park Chanyeol's part, no. Baekhyun fumbled with the idea that something was wrong with himself.

On Monday, Baekhyun was angry. Standing under the pulsating heat of the shower, Baekhyun cursed everything he hated about Park Chanyeol. Baekhyun convinced himself that Chanyeol could no longer make him happy, that Chanyeol wasn't this enough or wasn't that enough, and that Chanyeol restrained him from doing the things he wanted in life. On Monday, Baekhyun attributed his unhappiness to Chanyeol and left it at that. Baekhyun knew better but decided to think otherwise. Baekhyun knew he no longer lit up when Chanyeol walked into the room. Baekhyun knew that he didn't find Chanyeol the most attractive man in the world. Baekhyun knew that there was no tugging feeling, no adamant loyalty that would cause him to jump up on his feet and do anything for Park Chanyeol in a heart beat. But that's not Baekhyun's fault. Baekhyun considered for a moment his selfish thoughts, then decided to let the heat of the shower feed the angry fire and allowed that to wash over him instead.

On Tuesday, Baekhyun was guilty. Baekhyun knew all of the things he had thought the day prior were true... but Baekhyun also knew that he couldn't blame Park Chanyeol so easily. Baekhyun took the time to consider all the things Chanyeol's done for him in the past - and all the things he knew Chanyeol would gladly do for him in the future. Baekhyun is well aware that Chanyeol would go to the ends of the earth and back just to make sure Baekhyun was happy, and that Baekhyun could have all he ever wanted. He considered all the things Chanyeol's bought for him, big and small, just to put a smile on Baekhyun's face. And Baekhyun knew that Chanyeol, in all his clumsiness, moodiness, and jealousy, has actively tried to curve those attributes, if only to make sure Baekhyun wouldn't love him less. And yet, Baekhyun couldn't even return simple gratitude.

On Wednesday, Baekhyun was desperate. He tossed and turned all night long, fighting within himself, trying to make sense of his conflicted feelings. He'd been avoiding Chanyeol all week, and Chanyeol, quiet as a mouse, has given him the space without protest. Baekhyun appreciated it, but couldn't resolutely say it's been helpful. Though he took solace in the fact that he hadn't needed to explain any of this to Park Chanyeol, and if he could just run from these feelings forever, well, that'd be great. Between Chanyeol and Baekhyun, Baekhyun honestly didn't know where the blame belonged, if anywhere at all. On the one hand, Baekhyun realized Chanyeol was perfect. But on the other hand, if Park Chanyeol was so ing perfect, why wasn't Baekhyun happy being his boyfriend? These thoughts and uncertainties plagued Baekhyun's mind, making him wish for sleep so that he could escape this misery.

On Thursday, Baekhyun was delirious. Thoughts raced through his mind all morning - thoughts, that he definitely isn't proud of having. At this point, Baekhyun deemed himself a coward, as he had no clue how he could even begin to explain this inner war to his supposedly beloved Park Chanyeol, nor did he think he even had the courage to do so. Baekhyun wished that he could take the easy way out. Or rather, that he wouldn't have to. No, Baekhyun never contemplated suicide or anything like that. Though he may have allowed the thought of Chanyeol disappearing to creep into his mind. He sometimes wishes Chanyeol would break up with him, but he can't forsee that happening as Chanyeol has shown countless times that he's not going anywhere. If Chanyeol disappeared though, death or otherwise, well, that'd make life easy for him. No one would ever have to know about Baekhyun's inner doubts. No one would ever pin Baekhyun as the relationship wrecker; in fact, no one would be the relationship wrecker. The relationship would just cease to exist, and Baekhyun would be the victim. Oh how easy life would be then. Baekhyun would have a fresh start, and have the chance to find his real soul mate. But Baekhyun knew that was unfair, and life is much fairer than everyone claims.

And here Baekhyun stood on Friday, in front of Park Chanyeol, in just as big a mess as he'd been in since Monday, if not bigger. Baekhyun fully expected to have to explain his odd behavior to Chanyeol today, though he was nowhere near prepared to. But, much to his surprise, Chanyeol didn't call him out on it. Chanyeol grinned his usual grin and shone his usual brightness. Baekhyun almost wondered if Chanyeol even knew, but Baekhyun knows he's not stupid. He must know. But for the time being, Baekhyun counted his blessings so to speak, and basked in the relief of another day of avoiding his feelings. Or talking about them, at least. Baekhyun prayed that maybe spending the day with Chanyeol would make them disappear into thin air, which, at times they were put on hold. But all the kisses throughout the day, the shows of affection, the 'I love yous', and the dreaded, 'Will you be mine forever?' made Baekhyun uncomfortable in his own skin, wishing he could fly away and never come back.

After his escapade with Chanyeol, Chanyeol had dropped him back off at his place, leaving him alone with his thoughts, which, if Baekhyun hadn't figured out by now, was extremely dangerous. Baekhyun retreated to his bed immediately, plopping down on the mattress with a huff. Curling up into the blanket, Baekhyun buried his face into the pillow, hoping Chanyeol wouldn't call or interrupt his hazardous thoughts. 

For a brief moment, Baekhyun thought about calling Jongdae, his best friend in the world. His finger hovered over the screen for a few seconds before he thought better of it and dropped his phone onto the comforter, letting it snuggle away into one of the creases. He sighed, flopping onto his back and staring at the ceiling. It's not that he couldn't call Jongdae; he knew he could. But aside from honestly not wanting to talk about his feelings (as a part of his running from them protocol thing he had going on), he didn't want to burden his best friend. Baekhyun smiled at Jongdae's would be reaction had he said those things aloud to him. "Baekhyun-sshi! You're stupid! You can call me anytime!! I'm always here for you, seriously. Aish, you're such a pabo!" Baekhyun just couldn't bring himself do to it though. He deemed Jongdae too busy and stressed with all his recent performances and rehearsals, so he just wallowed in his thoughts some more, recounting everything he possibly could about his crumbling relationship with Chanyeol.

Everything that's gone wrong, that is.

It's funny, because Baekhyun knows almost everything that's gone wrong in their relationship has only happened within the past year or two. Which makes Baekhyun wonder what went wrong, or maybe even how they've lasted as long as they have. He wonders if maybe these issues rooted at the beginning of their relationship, only breaking ground now, years later.

Baekhyun remembers when Chanyeol got jealous of him for spending too much time with Kyungsoo and Jongdae. And how Baekhyun didn't care because he thought Chanyeol was being stupid. Baekhyun remembers when he started to fall for Luhan, waving it off as just a crush. They say it takes four months to fall in love, so Baekhyun tried to be calculative of the days he marvelled at Luhan's cuteness, sweetness, and everything in between. But when Luhan moved away to China, he didn't have to worry about it anymore, nor the fear of letting off too much to Chanyeol. He can never understand why he developed those feelings for Luhan over Chanyeol, but he knew they were no more now. At least, it didn't matter otherwise as he and Luhan were miles apart now. Baekhyun remembers when Chanyeol wanted him to stop practicing Hapkido so he'd have more time for him, and Baekhyun refused. Chanyeol accused him of prioritizing him lowly, but Baekhyun just scoffed and again, thought Chanyeol was being stupid. Throughout all these instances, Baekhyun realized his own selfishness, though only merely accepted it. Baekhyun didn't actually think he could change in that regard.

The worst thing of all though, was an instance from only a few hours ago. When Baekhyun had been dragged back to a kiosk in the middle of the shopping center by none other than his lanky boyfriend, Park Chanyeol, even after politely declining the sales representative. Park Chanyeol, who couldn't say no to anyone. Especially not someone who had a wide and toothy smile to match his own. Baekhyun, on the other hand, is much more liberal with the word "no" but he was at the point of no return now, so he put on a fake smile and readied his polite nods to hear out what the salesman had to say. Apparently, he was trying to sell them a vacation home, to which Chanyeol seemed extremely interested in. Baekhyun rolled his eyes. Although the deal did seem pretty sweet, they just didn't have the means of affording it right now. Despite Baekhyun's "subtle" hints that they weren't buying, the salesman persisted, bringing up the two's relationship as a means of leverage.

"Are you two married? No? Oh, engaged? Congratulations! When's the big day? Well, when you're married, you'll be wanting to vacation together no? Of course you will! My, you both are quite cute together. How long have you been together? Wow, that's a long time! Baekhyun, your name is? You're quite a lucky guy to have Chanyeol, is it? He's a real keeper. I can tell there's a reason you haven't left him yet, ha ha!"

With every comment, Baekhyun squirmed in his skin a little, let alone the stool he was sitting on. The salesman was probably just being polite, but to Baekhyun, he seemed so much more certain of his future with Chanyeol than Baekhyun did himself. Being as egocentric as he was, he generally enjoyed the praise he received from strangers about his perceived relationship with Chanyeol. When people saw them as perfect together, and especially when they were vocal about it, Baekhyun would glow with pride. But as of late, it's only made Baekhyun ashamed - especially when he harbors the kinds of feelings he does currently.

A large and loud sigh escaped Baekhyun's lips yet again and he suppressed the need to scream, or worse, punch a hole through the wall. Baekhyun tried to will his feelings away, inevitably failing. Baekhyun mulled over calling Jongdae again, occasionally wishing he could just forget all about Chanyeol and lead a life with Jongdae instead. In a completely platonic way, of course. It's just that, when Baekhyun reflected on his relationship with Jongdae, he thought it was completely perfect. Not complicated in the slightest. He settled on the thought that he wished his relationship with Chanyeol could be like that, with all the extra stuff that comes with being in a romantic relationship included too of course. But instead he was stuck with this storm of emotions instead. He pondered how Chanyeol made loving him seem so easy.

Without so much as a warning, Baekhyun drifted off into sleep, his hand still curled around his phone, screen pulled up with Jongdae's contact information. Sleep seemed to be Baekhyun's only escape, and he welcomed the unconsciousness as it came to him. Whether it was minutes or hours, Baekhyun slipped away, sinking into the sea of blankets and pillows that made up his messy bed. He was awoken by the chiming of a bell, none other than his door bell. Baekhyun's sleepy eyes fluttered open, gaze looking at the clock, which read 7:11 in the evening. Baekhyun groggily sat up, throwing his feet off the bed and slipping on his fuzzy slippers to answer the door. When he opened it, he was shocked to see Park Chanyeol, standing there and biting his lip.

"Hey," Chanyeol said.

"Hi," Baekhyun replied tiredly. The awkwardness between them was thick and unwarranted. After having been together for so long, it seemed out of place to feel the awkwardness that two strangers would experience.

"Um, can I come in?"

"Sure," Baekhyun stepped to the side, allowing passage for Chanyeol.

"Sorry for waking you..." Chanyeol apologized softly, guilt stinging his voice.

"Oh, um.. It's okay," Baekhyun responded. "So... Why did you come here? Did I accidentally take something of yours?" Baekhyun asked hestitantly, slightly confused as they had just seen each other only a few hours ago.

"No, I.. I just thought that we should.. talk," Chanyeol said.

"Oh..." Baekhyun felt a knot in the pit of his stomach. He knew where this was going. "Okay."

Chanyeol went straight to the couch, taking a seat right in the middle. With his feet separated, he rested his elbows on his knees, hands finding each other and stitched together with interlacing fingers. He looked up at Baekhyun expectantly, waiting for him to sit in his favorite arm chair adjacent to him. Baekhyun shuffled over and did so, unsure of what to expect. Chanyeol brought up Baekhyun's lack of interaction and overall distance he's been keeping from Park Chanyeol. "Did you think I wouldn't notice?" Baekhyun shook his head shamefully.

"But I have to admit," Chanyeol started. "I've been avoiding you, too."

Baekhyun's ears perked up at the confession, having been thrown completely off guard. No wonder he's been giving me space so willingly, Baekhyun thought. Chanyeol explained to him why, his main point revolving around whether or not Baekhyun would care. Chanyeol thought Baekhyun had just been too busy for him this week, which is why Baekhyun hadn't been saying or doing much in his direction. Upon not receiving the reaction he wanted, he thought an outing with Baekhyun would solve everything, but after enduring the agonizing awkwardness of the day, Chanyeol realized things were far from fine.

Baekhyun's lower lip quivered slightly, and he fought a single tear forming in the corner of his eye. Before he could stop himself, Baekhyun's words were flowing out, albeit clumsily. He exposed every doubt he had, new and old. He blurted out words he wasn't ready to say. But it was now or never. He reluctantly revealed his biggest secret of all - that he didn't know if he still loved Park Chanyeol. He hazily tried to explain that he couldn't take it anymore, that he wanted to break up, that he wanted to start over, that he wanted ANYTHING but what he had now - a mangled and tangled relationship he didn't know he was capable of repairing.

Chanyeol sat. and Chanyeol listened. and Park Chanyeol did nothing wrong. He retaliated a little. He blamed Byun Baekhyun a little. But then Park Chanyeol stood. And Park Chanyeol spoke.

"It's not your fault, Baek," he sighed. Chanyeol took the blame.

Baekhyun wanted to die.

They talked for hours, through some tears and a few laughs. Eventually, Baekhyun's load felt lighter. Not gone, but lighter. Baekhyun realized running was the stupidest thing he could've done. Chanyeol convinced him that things would be alright, and Chanyeol always does. Chanyeol assured Baekhyun that they would be alright. And Baekhyun wanted to be alright.

But there was still that dull tugging on Baekhyun's heart string. The one that keeps Baekhyun's doubt anchored, preventing it from floating away forever. Baekhyun worried it might never go away, and Baekhyun tried to believe it would be okay, he really did. It's just, Baekhyun didn't know how to overcome uncertainty. Baekhyun wanted to know that he'd never have to doubt anymore. Baekhyun wanted the lifetime guarantee that he would be satisfied with Chanyeol forever.

Chanyeol held his hand out to Baekhyun, helping him to rise from the rubble. Baekhyun accepted it, determined to overcome whatever obstacles he may face (or continue to face). He may be crippled in doing so, but what more could Baekhyun do?

"There's nothing I can say, Yeol.."

"Then don't speak. We'll get through this. Together."

Baekhyun sincerely hoped so.