Title: [3/5]

The title is okay. It’s a little bit cliché but it’s not bad.

Description/Foreword: [5/10]

I’m going to be honest. The description was a little boring but I liked the effort that you had made to actually liven the description up with the colors :)

Your Foreword was rather confusing. I think it was the combination of misused words. You tend to over-explain most of the things there but it was probably because you were excited. I mean, who wouldn’t be excited to start a story, right?

“Living in a world where there are so many eyes that are watching them watching you, will they be able to express their real feelings?”

You can actually shorten this to be “Living in a world where many eyes are watching them closely, will they be able to express their real feelings?”

Plus, here was too much information regarding the people that was involved cramped up into one sentence and it made me lost a little interest to actually read it but don’t worry, I read it. Haha!

“With 14 other men watching are him a mother, a father and an older sister and while 3 ladies and her Entertainment Company family, one brother, one sister, a mother and cat are watching her, not yet included their fans that are closely watching them from all sides of the world.”

You should try breaking the sentences up instead of cramming everything into just one sentence or you could just cut down on the number of people that was said to be watching them.

Plot: [2/5]

I’m sorry but it was just too predictable. As much as I love the pairing that you had come up with, the plot was just not my cup of tea. When I first saw that you had a KhyuhyunxSandara pairing, I was quite excited to see what would actually pop up in the next few chapters.
From what I’d been reading, you plot usually revolved around the theme of jealousy, which is quite boring because there are a lot of other stories that has the same thing.

Flow: [5/10]

It was not bad, actually. I like the fact that you were really trying your best to bring out the scene where they were in the club. I thought that it was not bad. The flow of the truth or dare game was rather enjoyable but I have to say that the story was blooming really slowly. The excitement was not really there.
Besides that, you tend to mix the word “you” into some of the sentences. Thus, disrupting the flow of the paragraph.

Eg.

She got surprised when she realized that she is still in class. Her body might be physically present in the room but your mind is already wandering outside searching for the person who captivated your heart.

You meant to say “Her body might be physically present in the room but her mind was already wandering outside, searching for the person who had captivated her heart.”

Writing style: [4/5]

Your writing style is really nice and really neat. I like the way you consistently used a third person’s point of view and the fact that you made an effort to start every speech bubble in a new paragraph made it even better. So yay!

Originality: [4/10]

Like I said before, it’s very predictable and you can actually find another story which has almost the same plot to this. I’m not saying that you should totally abandon the idea that you had come up with but what you could do to make the story more original is to add incidents that are creative. Think out of the box! Think crazy for the crazy ideas are actually key factors to what makes your story enjoyable.
I really think that your story has potential especially when you have Big Bang, 2NE1 and SuJu together. You can come up with a lot of good stuff when you have the three of them together :)

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [16/30]

Your grammar mistake was what pulled you down. There wasn’t a consistent use of one particular tense. You used present tense at one moment and then past tense the next. Punctuation wise, it was not bad. Though, there were a few errors for that. Spelling too but so far, I have yet to go berserk over your spelling mistake so don’t worry. Another problem was the way you placed your words.

(Chapter 1)

“When will I ever meet him again she thought?” suddenly she blurted out in her class while her teacher is explaining Probability.

You used two forms of tenses here and the sentence structure here was totally wrong. Were you trying to say that she thought she said it in her head but it turns out, she had accidentally blurted it out loud?
Correct: “When will I ever meet him again?” She thought, not aware of the fact that she had blurted the thought out while her teacher was explaining ‘Probability’.

“The probability of that happening in my class is low Miss Sandara, if you tell me the name of that person then I might be able to help you solve for It.” your professor retorted and everyone in the room laughed.

The comma after “Sandara” should be replaced with a full stop.  Again, in the speech bubble, two tenses were used and isn’t the “you” supposed to be Sandara?
Correct: “The probability of that happening in my class is low Miss Sandara. If you tell me the name of that person then I may be able to help you solve for it.” Sandara’s professor retorted and everyone in the room laughed.

She got surprised when she realized that she is still in class.

Once more, tenses.
Correct: She got surprised when she realized that she was still in class.

“I miss you so much already. Let’s each lunch together first before you go home. Please~~~” the guy his used aegyo while talking to her through the phone.

The sentence could be better rephrased to make it look more pleasant and ‘each lunch’?
Correct: “I miss you so much already. Let’s eat lunch together first before you go home. Please?” He talked to her through the phone, using his aeygo.

(Chapter 10)

The girls and the rest of Super Junior kept on talking. As CL, Dara and Bom drink more of ladies drink, slowly they began to change. They become more open and talkative to the SJ members with them. Dara looked like she is enjoying herself while talking to Zhoumi, Henry, Eunhyuk and Donghae while Kyuhyun feels more and more insecure to the things that he is seeing.

Again with the tense. I’m sorry but I’m sort of a tense freak. I can’t really stand seeing two tenses being used together at one time in a sentence. Plus, your sentence structure is a little off and what do you mean by ladies drinks? Cocktails maybe?
Correct: The girls and the rest of Super Junior kept on talking. As Cl, Dara and Bomm drank more cocktails, they slowly began to change. They became more open and talkative to the Super Junior members who were with them. Dara looked like she was enjoying herself while talking to Zhoumi, Henry, Eunhyuk and Donghae. Kyuhyun, on the other hand, felt more insecure with what he was seeing in front of him.

Nickhun and Chansung cheered as the two went to dance. The song was “Love Light” by CN Blue and Wooyoung was extremely blushing as Dara turned to face him.

Woo! Chansung! Okay, okay, back to where I was. Haha!
The problem here was how you select your words to be used, like the word ‘extremely’. I don’t think it’s appropriate to use extremely. Maybe not using it or substituting with other words like ‘madly’ would look better.
Correct: Nickhun and Chansung cheered as the two went to dance. The song was “Love Light” by CN Blue and Wooyoung was blushing madly when Dara turned to face him.

There’s many more but I’ll just let you find them. If I were to point everything out, it might be at least ten pages long. Haha!

Characterization/Details: [18/25]

I had to give you some credit for this. I think you had tried your best to describe the character’s feelings, especially both Sandara and Kyuhyun’s feelings when they saw each other with another girl/boy. You also did fairly well with the details surrounding them, especially how you described the club. I thought that that was good!

Total score: 57/100

General comments: Please don’t be demoralized okay! I think you did a good job. You just need to think out of the box and make your story creative because right now, it isn’t exactly keeping me glued to the computer screen to read your future chapters. I do believe that your story has the ability to be more enjoyable. Please don’t ever give up okay! Hwaiting!