I just can't believe you're gone
Still waitin' for mornin' to come
When I see if the sun will rise
In the way that you're by my side

            Devastated, sad, angry, what were they supposed to feel? The news of Kris’ lawsuit hit them like a gust of air on a sunny day. Eleven were gathered in a circle. Not twelve, but eleven. The emptiness and the void could be felt all around the room. How long had they been sitting there? In the living room of where twelve men lived, no eleven now.

            They were sitting there with their respected lovers, Jongin with Kyungsoo, Sehun and Luhan, Chanyeol and Baekhyun, Joonmyeon and Yixing, Jongdae and Minseok, but there was one boy who was sitting there alone, the one who had taken the most impact on the situation, Zitao.

            Some of the members looked at him with sympathetic eyes, others with comfort. Why? Because the Kris is gone, Zitao’s favorite GeGe, his best friend, and lover, gone, without a reason, in a matter of seconds.

            They would wonder why. Why would Kris leave? Was it because of them? Why didn’t they notice? Why didn’t Kris ever seek comfort? All these thoughts going through their minds, nothing was being processed. Kris couldn’t leave them right? They were one for a reason. Everything seemed so surreal, as if it was a dream. Unlucky for them, it wasn’t.

            Before they knew it, it was passed midnight. Managers urgently called for them to get rest for the early schedule tomorrow for practices and other things. With or without Kris, promotions would still move and the concert was still ago. Now finally listening, they all got up and headed to their room with their respected lovers, all but one.

            Zitao was left alone, the room where Kris once shared with him. It seemed empty without the other giant in the room and even emptier when he lay in the bed with no one next to him. As he tossed and turned to get comfortable he realized one thing, it wasn’t the same. He needed Kris by his side, he needed him to sleep, and most of all, he needed him to live. Despite all that, he took comfort in the side where Kris had once laid; breathing in the unforgettable scent that he knew one day would vanish from his life completely. With that, he slowly closed his eyes and drifted off to what would be a dream in this nightmare he was living in.

When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart

          Zitao dreamed that night, a dream of where nothing had changed, Kris was still there and EXO was really one, but who was he kidding? Of course all the members wanted the events of yesterday to be some kind of sick joke SM was playing on them or a dream that never happened. That wasn’t the case. Not when each and every one of the members woke up to see an alone Zitao in the overally sized bed meant for two, and not even when Zitao had finally woken up.

When he thought about it, Kris and him could have gone so far with each other, with the other members. The countless memories they would make, the awards they would win, and the endless amount of love they would receive. That was all shattered though, when he woke in the morning and reached his hand next to him. He knew Kris wouldn’t be there, but a small part of him still had hoped that maybe, just maybe, he had a nightmare, but the real nightmare was now, in reality.

            That was when it had finally hit him; he let out the uncontrollable tears and the loud sobs, which he had tried to muffle with his pillows. There would be no more “Taoris” moments, as fans liked to call it. No more spontaneous dates, movie days in the dorms, schedules, nothing. Nothing was left to make any more memories with Kris. On the sidelines, the members could be seen also crying, all so sympathetic towards the M maknae, but no one could do anything.

            It was probably an hour later of being stuck in his room just reminiscing of the past, and trying so hard not to think of the future, was when Zitao had realized that just because there was no more tomorrow, he has the countless memories from the last two years. Something no one could take away from him, something he’d forever hold in his heart.

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play

          They had to, no matter what, the show must go on. The concert was in a few days time and no time could be wasted. Even without Kris around, EXO had to make the arrangements. True that Kris could show up, but what were the odds in that happening. Chanyeol was to learn Kris’ parts, same with Zitao. Of course it hurt, knowing that never again in an EXO performance would Kris’ voice be heard. The tracks that would never be played the same again, the performances with the uneven numbers, but they had to move on. It was for EXO, and what has to happen has to, whether the members liked it or not.

            Schedules had still continued, SM would never stop them. Not when EXO was almost at their peak, when they were bringing in so much income, so much love, so much everything. One misfortune couldn’t drag them down. Even if it meant promoting one less, one brother less, then it had to be done. What once was planned for twelve, just had to move on with just eleven.

All the broken dreams, take everything

             After rigorous practice, all eleven were exhausted. They went back to the dorm and some TV. Surfing the channel, and old EXO=M interview came on. And right at that moment the line “Maybe next time” was uttered through their precious leader’s mouth.

            Who would have thought really? “Maybe next time”, but there was no next time. They would never hear those precious words be uttered from their dear leader’s mouth again. Whether it be when Kris was talking about his dancing, singing, rapping, anything really, there would be no next time for Kris. The now broken promise he had towards his fans. Was this all really happening? Who would have ever guessed that there would be no next time for when Kris had said “Maybe next time.” He was notorious for saying it, almost like a promise to his fans, to s, but that would never happen again.

They can take the future that we’ll never know

They can take the places that we said we would go

            All of them wanted twelve; twelve was just a great number. They all wanted to go through the upcoming hardships, the tired schedules, concerts, everything as one. That seemed so far-fetched at this point. The great visions of how the upcoming years would come, all gone and shattered within one statement. The plans they had made with each other. Vacations, concert areas, everything, they had planned for the future, could not happen anymore. Now all they have is the memoires of when they had gone to Disneyland, performed at various places, and the small detours they took during schedules. That would all remain memories for them; it would be what they live by to remember Kris. Now everything is questionable. There was really no point of hoping for those same wishes of the future. They don’t know what SM would do; they don’t know what they will do in order to get what they want. For now, it would be best to let him go.

You always choose to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or least where the story goes
But I never believed until now

            People had their doubts, especially after the leaving for Canada episode. But even after that had happened, Kris stayed. Here and there the members felt doubtful, but they were proved wrong when he went through the comeback with them. Media outlets were reporting rumors about a leader of a group wanting to leave, but no one suspected anything. The eleven wanted to trust their leader, they couldn’t predict the future, but they could always hope, and so they did.

            After another year of great comebacks and wonderful times, it had happened. Kris is gone. Even with him gone, they all hold the memories of the last two years as EXO, and even more as trainees. Somewhere in the back of their minds, they knew they should have listened. All the accusations, the posts, the interviews all had a secret hint. Going back, he had lefts hints here and there, but no one seemed to notice. Even if one of the members did notice, it would be brushed off, no one would have believed that it would actually happen. But once again, they could not predict the future and the unthinkable happened. They didn’t want to believe that this was all happening, but it’s the truth and they have accepted it, no matter how much it hurts in the end.

I know I'll see you again, I'm sure
No, it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night, one more day
One more smile on your face
But they can't take yesterday
 

            He still had hope; Zitao had that little hope in him that Kris would come back. Hell, they were lovers, but were they really anymore? Kris isn’t going to be gone forever. They would meet again, and hopefully neither of them would be in a relationship at that time, because they were meant for each other. Despite all the Instagram and Weibo posts, those were just a wall he built up so the fans could see he was strong. It had cracked when he posted that he loved YiFan, but was quickly deleted before too many saw.

            It seemed that he was the only one that had a little hope in Kris, the other members had let go of him so quickly, and no one fought for him to stay. You could call him selfish, the members could call him selfish, but no one knew what he was going through. The countless things he and Kris had done together in the last two years. The hugs, the kisses, cuddles, everything would never happen again. He yearned for those things, but he wouldn’t be getting any of that for a while now.  What he would have done just to spend one more night with Kris if he knew that the older man would never be coming back, that he would never see that beautiful gummy smile again. He wanted to do so much more with Kris. Whether it be the simple movie nights they had, or the spontaneous trips they could go on, he just wished that he could do it once more, just once so he knew that they loved each other.

For now though, he would live day by day being and EXO members. Eleven would be fine. They could do this. All because, in the back of his mind, things like this never last forever and the time will come when they are all one again.

I thought our days would last forever
But it wasn't our destiny
'Cause in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong

            The realization had finally hit all of them. Kris wasn’t coming back. It was just not going to happen. What has been done has been done. No matter how many times they had said “We are one” or “EXO let’s love” they all knew that would come to an end one day. EXO disbandment would have to come, but no one thought it would be so soon that they would be losing a part of EXO. Sure, there were still eleven of them, but one missing member had such an impact on the whole group.

            Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. The idol life wasn’t for Kris and they had to accept that. Fate holds such a great role in one’s life, and this time fate wouldn’t be as great. Even after the last two years, two years was such a great time for all of them. Those 24 months, 104 weeks, and 730 days will be forever cherished. There could have been more, but destiny was not going towards that path. They were all supposed to go down one road together, but somewhere along the way there was an exit and Kris had taken that detour.

No, I can, believe me
I can still find the strength in the moments we made

            There is a time when all twelve of them move on. The eleven together, and Kris alone. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much they don’t want to, their lives need to keep going. In the last two years, Kris had met eleven other wonderful individuals that were his brothers, his family away from home. And because of these eleven people, he believe they, and he, could move on from this. It would hurts so much, but he could do it because the strength of the eleven others that had been embedded into him from the very beginning. Even if he wasn’t physically there anymore, he knew that his eleven brothers would think of him from time to time.             As for the other eleven, Kris had made a decision and they choose to respect it. They were all hurting really, but Kris knew the consequences going into this. He knew that EXO would be eleven after this. No matter how betrayed they all had felt, they knew Kris was doing this to benefit them more than anything. Because Kris was strong enough to do this, and strong enough to have gone through the last two years, they all can and will find the strength to move past this, because no matter what, they would always be one.

I’m looking back on yesterday
 

[One Year Later]

            “And the winner of ‘Best Male Group of the Year’ is EXO”. At this all eleven members stand. Yes they were still eleven, but it was okay. They were still able to make so many accomplishments. They are all in smiles and tears when they get up to the stage. After the awards speech done by the leader, they are all hugging and tears of happiness are flowing down their faces. Right before their screen time is about to end, Zitao breaks away from a hug and runs towards the mic. When he gets up there, he screams “We love you YiFan” and the members are all shocked. The sudden memories come flowing of their ex-member, but one by one their screaming the same thing and so are the fans. At this point, they’re all fully healed. They can easily look back and think of the great memories with Kris and they know, no matter where he is, that he’s supporting them, and that’s what drives them to strive forward.

            After Kris sees this, he’s honestly baffled. s still remember him. Even if he isn’t physically there, he’s there in their hearts. And when he sees EXO leaving the stage, they say their legendary slogan “We are one.” And along with this, Kris whispers it too because no matter the circumstance, no matter what has happened, they will always be one.

But they can never have yesterday