He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes

Started making his way past two in the morning

He hasn't been sober for days

 

The rain soaking through his clothes doesn’t cool him off and he feels like a burning forest fire. Everything he touches feels tainted and black, almost dead and yet still breathing and inflicting pain on his raw skin. The bottle in his hand feels non-existent, to the point that he ends up dropping it, the glass shattering into small pieces as it hits the pavement, becoming just as washed away as he feels.

 

There isn’t a single living soul out here tonight, just the small buzz of streetlights mixed in with the sound of falling rain and broken sobs that Tao tries his best to choke back, except they all erupt when he feels he can no longer hold them in. Everything and he wishes he could control time and rewind it all backwards, but that’s more than likely to ever happen in this lifetime.

 

He can’t figure what went wrong. He has been trying to figure it all out for the last two months and yet everything is as real as it can get. Nothing makes sense anymore and the drizzle falling on his face is the most contact he’s had with anything that isn’t the cold hard floor. Somehow, he can still remember a time when they were happy at least, but right now it’s just Tao, all alone and completely wasted on feelings for a human being who will never return to his side.

 

-

 

Leaning now into the breeze

Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees

They had breakfast together

But two eggs don’t last

Like the feeling of what he needs

 

“Zizi, open wide.”

 

“You know I don’t like eggs,” Tao crinkles up his nose and goes back to picking at the strawberries on his plate.

 

“They’re good for you though,” Kris chuckles and tries once more to offer some to Tao, his fork in the air with a healthy helping of scrambled eggs.

 

“They’re unborn baby chicks! How do you feel about that? Almost as cruel as veal.”

 

“Oh please, you act as if you’ve never eaten eggs before!”

 

And Tao shoves another strawberry in his mouth so that Kris can’t get the godforsaken unborn baby chick into his mouth. He flicks the other’s hand away and chews defiantly on the piece of fruit. Eggs are disgusting in every sense.

 

“Zizi, stop acting like you’re five!” Kris scolds but his expression is that of an overly happy boyfriend because Tao really is too cute for words.

 

“No!” Tao argues back, but he too is smiling from ear to ear.

 

They finish breakfast quickly (Kris has to throw out the leftover eggs because they’ll go bad) and as Kris reads the Sunday paper, Tao’s enveloped in a game of Candy Crush, imitating the voice everytime it says “Sweet!” or “Delicious!” with his horrible English. His legs are tangled with Kris’ as they crowd on the small leather couch, both doing their own thing but both being completely wrapped in each other’s presence. Tao thinks this is much more better than arguing over eggs.

 

-

 

Now this place seems familiar to him

She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin

She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs

Left him dying to get in

 

A kiss here. A kiss there. A moan to his left and a whimper to his right.

 

Kris’ mouth feels hot on his skin, burning with pleasure and temptation, but Tao knows better than this. He knows what teasing is and he’ll be damned to not flaunt his amazing talent at harnessing the ability that makes men like Kris keen and vy for his every inflicting touch.

 

The cool leather of their couch doesn’t satisfy the burning itch growing in Tao’s stomach though as he runs his hands over all the smooth surfaces of Kris’ , feeling the taut skin that he’s grown so accustomed to. Kris lets out a breathy groan and it’s enough for Tao to buck up into the other’s hips, his own warm breath fanning over Kris’ jaw.

 

“Could you not?” Kris says as he tries to get any other clothing in between his skin and Tao’s off.

 

But Tao doesn’t dignify that with an answer, instead he tugs on Kris’ earlobe with his teeth, not being as gentle as he can be. He laps his tongue over the red marks he leaves all over and makes the task of getting his jeans off even harder as his hips just won’t stop grinding onto Kris’ ever so hard crotch.

 

“Tao.” Kris says but there isn’t anything malicious in his tone, instead it sounds more like he’s begging and Tao ing basks in that feeling. Kris is biting onto this bottom lip and staring so intently at the younger that something fearful sparks in Tao and he knows that whatever this is is going to stay with him forever. The memory of Kris and everything so fleeting and beautiful about him is going to remain with him forever. Nothing can compare to this feeling stirring within him.

 

But he’s a second too late and Kris sighs, heaving himself off of the younger and running tired hands in his hair, leaving to the bedroom and closing it promptly behind him.

 

He isn’t really mad, he’s only faking it because Tao’s just too big of a tease, but for some reason, Tao finds himself laying on the couch, the heat fading and the smell of someone so comforting wafting away.

 

He doesn’t go after Kris.

 

-

 

Forgive me I’m trying to find

My calling, I’m calling at night

I don’t mean to be a bother

But have you seen this girl?

She’s been running through my dreams

And it’s driving me crazy it seems

I’m going to ask her to marry me

 

Rose petals strewn everywhere and all the lights are off aside from the dim lit candles which glow in a romantic demeanor, showing the small path of petals meant for Tao to follow. He takes his steps slow, counting each one it takes him before the path stops and he’s standing in the doorway of their bedroom, the scent of roses strong and invading his sense of smell. Kris has always been a romantic, much more than Tao, but he’s always been sly about it, shyly being the cheesiest boyfriend possible. Instead of something simple for their two year anniversary though, he’s gone all out, there’s even the faint sound of some string quartet playing from Kris’ phone which sits lonesome on the dresser.

 

Standing in the middle of the room is Kris, black suit and tie fitting him perfectly and making his slim figure look even longer and tempting. He’s got his hair styled up and a gummy smile spreading from ear to ear as he holds a large bouquet of white lilies, a contrast to the reds and pinks littering the floor.

 

“Well this sure is a surprise,” Tao smiles and drops his bag to the floor, feeling the weight of a twelve hour shift rise off his shoulders.

 

“Yeah well,” Kris opens his arms for Tao who walks right into them as if it’s the most natural thing to do, “I like surprising you.”

 

Tao hums in satisfaction before pressing light kisses to Kris’ lips and then more passionate ones as the other leans into them and breathes in all of Tao.

 

The whole scene is romantic and gooey and gross but Tao wouldn’t have it any other way, because this is something Kris personally did for him and he’s colored very impressed that his usually lazy and slack boyfriend has actually done anything, especially of this caliber for their two year anniversary.

 

They spend all night in bed and all morning just cuddling and talking about all the little cute details of their two year long relationship, even the time Tao refused to eat the breakfast eggs Kris had been so enamored with.

 

Tao has to be at work in a few hours though so he begrudgingly leaves the warmth and comfort of the bed (and Kris’ arms) to take a shower and when he gets back he discovers there’s still more surprises waiting in store for him; namely the one where he finds Kris kneeling on one knee, a silver piece of jewelry held in between his fingers and a nervous smile gracing his face.

 

-

 

Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces

He pleads though he tries

But he’s only denied

Now he’s dying to get inside

 

Tao doesn’t remember the litter of children’s toys out in the courtyard, but he figures that maybe new people have moved in next door and that maybe they have kids. He clings to his soaked sweater and bites his lip nervously, the last time he had been here there was no answer at the door.

 

The clouds seem to swirl around his head and he looks down at the dark cement floor, contemplating if he should really be here or not. But all the alcohol in his system tells him he should and that’s a push strong enough for him to slide through the lobby doors and greet the woman at the counter (when he lived here it use to be an old man) and slide up the elevator towards the fifth floor.

 

He knocks. Again. Once more. No answer.

 

Maybe he isn’t home? Tao thinks to himself, but he swallows dryly and knocks again, this time slightly louder than before.

 

His breathing becomes shaky when he hears footsteps and the sound of the lock being undone and something in his heart jumps ten feet into the air, but it all nearly deflates just as quickly when he’s greeted by a middle-aged woman with an infant in her arms.

 

“Can I help you?” She asks and she looks a little cautious, especially with the way Tao looks and the stench of soju emitting from his entire being.

 

“I-” He hesitates and peers into the apartment room, clearly seeing that in all these few months, things have changed heavily. “No, I’m sorry. I must have the wrong place.”

 

And she only nods and closes the door, the locks being put back into place and Tao’s heart sinking deep within his body. He inquires the front desk for a ‘Wu Yifan’, only to be told that that resident has long ago moved away.

 

Tao is left standing outside in the rain, wondering when he’s allowed back in; wondering where Wu Yifan is.

 

He figures all he can do now is go home.

 

The neighbors said she moved away

Funny how it rained all day

I didn’t think much of it then

But it’s starting to all make sense

Oh, I can see now, that all of these clouds

Are following me in my desperate endeavor

To find my whoever, wherever she may be

 

-

 

I'm not coming back (forgive me)

I've done something so terrible

I'm terrified to speak (I'm not calling, I'm not calling)

But you'd expect that from me

I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just (You're driving me crazy, I'm)

Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind

Keeping an eye on the world,

From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now

I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head

 

Kris looks down on the world, watching the clouds cast dark shadows everywhere and pour rain on everything both immobile and moving. His eyes are heavy and tired, but he watches intently, keeping his gaze on Tao, heart heavily with lead as he watches the younger ruin himself.

 

Tao left him five months ago. Kris died two months ago. Neither can cope with anything.

 

He can’t blame Tao for being scared though, for being so loved and so treasured that he ran away, it wasn’t like he was put off by Kris or even hated the elder. He was just afraid of everything and Kris was the enigma for it all. He figured he could forgive Tao, because maybe sometimes his love was too insufferable for the other and maybe sometimes it just wasn’t enough. Kris couldn’t figure it out and now he was gone from the world that Tao was in and his heart still swells even after life.

The rain is heavy and the fog is thick and Kris can remember Sunday like it was yesterday.