- -

Are you coming back for dinner? Tonight we have kalbi, I can’t eat so there’s a lot for you

Junhong blinked at the screen with a mix of horror and shock. What was this? The phone was getting slippery in his clammy palm, heavy sadness returning to him and lodging itself in the pit of his stomach.

But the phone didn’t stop buzzing with that one text. It was, in fact, still buzzing, and has been doing so since Junhong opened the first message. He pressed the back button, returning to the main page listing all unread messages.

They were all from the same person.

From: Idiot Daehyun

2013 3/4/13 02:23 AM

You idiot, why

why why why

you know i’m here if you need to talk right?

From: Idiot Daehyun

2013 3/4/13 02:24 AM

you can talk to me

let’s talk tonight

you always listened to me when i had stupid problems is it so hard for you to share with me yours too?????????

From: Idiot Daehyun

2013 3/4/13 02:26 AM

I’m sorry for shouting

Just come back

Please

Junhong couldn’t really breathe; why was it he felt he was intruding on something terribly private? It was almost akin to secretly watching someone take off their clothes, layer by layer, sickening and absorbing all at once. He couldn’t tear his eyes way.

The messages kept coming.

Hi Youngjae

Miss you

You always laughed when I cried, idiot

Why am I crying now when you’re smiling somewhere on your own?

I’m still sorry

hope you know we all miss you

You know, today was a happy day. We celebrated Junhong’s coming of age, he patted all our heads to make us feel younger. That punk

He said he didn’t get a kiss today, still waiting for yours like the ones you used to sneak on him

Junhong didn’t want to read anymore. It was true; he never quite minded Youngjae’s swift pecks. (not as much as he tried to make it seem, at least) He absentmindedly scratched the spot on his cheek where Youngjae always chose to attack.

As stupid as it was, all of them were still trying to forget how their lives changed almost a year ago.

-

Junhong hadn’t meant to find Youngjae’s abandoned phone, hadn’t meant to charge it and turn it, didn’t mean to read all the texts. He was just trying to find a spare phone after his wouldn’t turn on after he dropped it in the bathtub while having a damn bubble bath (yes yes, whatever) He was sure Daehyun kept a spare one, but Daehyun was out buying food and Junhong just really needed to check out this dance tutorial online-

He was sure Daehyun wouldn’t mind. It’s not like they had much to hide from one another anyway, but Junhong somehow still found himself tiptoeing into the older boy’s room.

“It has to be in a drawer somewhere…”

And it was. It was but it wasn’t Daehyun’s phone, Daehyun’s phone was probably in another drawer and in this drawer was Youngjae’s phone. Dead youngjae’s phone.

Junhong could still see traces of Youngjae’s fingerprints on the large shiny screen, his own face looking back at him too clearly from the dark surface.

He imagined Youngjae’s small, slightly chubby fingers encircling the phone, lazily replying to texts, eagerly playing games, taking selcas, and suddenly, he was rummaging again through the messy drawer, searching for the phone’s charger.

-

(6/6/13, 01:20 AM)

Youngjae-ah
Sent everyone off at the airport today. They are taking a break. I’m going back to busan later but the dorm is too empty now and you would have stayed behind. The dorm was nice when it was just the two of us
 

(12/6/13, 12:16 AM)

We got some answers today. Not all but enough, for now

(30/7/13, 04:20 PM)

You always said my parts are the most difficult to sing

But why do I only struggle to sing yours?

(28/8/13, 05:44 AM)

They say time will heal. I don’t know how

(1/9/13, 11:34 PM)

Ah Youngjae, I lost my voice…

We have been training too hard. I don’t remember the practice room being this big at night, maybe cause I never practised alone…

I don’t think I can get used to being the only lead vocalist
 

(15/9/13, 02:43 AM)

The whole week I was looking for a sign, any sign

One and only best friend, where are you?
 

(22/10/13, 09:32 PM)

Damn it youngjae!!!!!

I bought the wrong kind of meat for our barbeque today!!!! Made this mistake twice already
Hmchan hyung is mad but I am not used to you not grocery shopping with me
 

(1/11/13, 10:56 AM)

It is Wednesday and I’m wearing purple

I hated how you looked in purple by the way
 

(25/12/13, 04:03 AM)

Merry Christmas youngjae

You liked my red nike airs so I got you a pair

Junhongie got you a skateboard, you always said you wanted to learn, the shoes and the skateboard look really good together! I think you would have carried them well
 

(1/1/14, 00:00 AM)

Hi youngjae

Happy new year
 

(1/1/14, 00:03 AM)

Ah I forgot how to type fancy happy new year text message patterns. But I remember how I stole your first kiss last new year cause you were too drunk and looked too cute

(9/1/14, 08:03 AM)

You came into my dreams lately, asking a lot of things I don’t think I can ever answer
 

(13/1/14, 04:03 AM)

We moved dorms. You’d like it. I let you have the bed by the window since I took the top bunk in the old room
 

(18/1/14, 04:03 AM)

Come visit me in my dreams tonight please? I have so much to tell you

Wherever you are, please don’t forget me
 

(24/1/14, 00:02 AM)

Hey, Happy birthday!!!!!

I won’t tell you what I got for you, it’s for you to see for yourself
Yongguk hyung is going to be angry when he finds out I ate your cake, but that’s what you get for not being here

I helped you blow out the candles though!!!!!

-

Junhong blinked at the last message. He remembered Youngjae’s birthday vaguely, but he didn’t remember a cake or presents, or any celebration for that matter. Why would they even, after all Youngjae wasn’t even…..

He was surprised to find he was crying. After it happened he thought he’d cried all the tears he was physically capable of producing, spent enough nights imagining the older boy quietly pushing the main door open and walking over to envelop him and tell him stupid, why are you sobbing like this—

But maybe not. Junhong tried imagining Daehyun buying a cake and a present, and eating the cake, and blowing out the candles, and maybe they all weren’t yet okay, still.

Youngjae’s phone buzzed. Again. Junhong blinked to clear his vision, slightly surprised. What he wasn’t surprised by, however, was the sender of the text.

Stupid youngjae which brand of milk do you prefer????? I forgot

Junhong breath was catching in his chest. He could still see traces of Youngjae where his fingers would have been tapping on the keys replying to texts like these; if only Youngjae could read the texts Daehyun still sends him, could still fight with them over who got to eat the last piece of meat, could still hug Junhong and tiptoe and try to kiss him, because despite how much Junhong disliked it, he maybe minded it a little less now. And if the boy were to walk in through the room door right that moment, Junhong would perhaps even allow him to do it as much as he wanted to. 

- - 

- for the angel who told the best stories. r.i.p 

( may do a sequel from daehyun's pov?)