The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and leaves gently fluttered as the light winds said hello. It was a nice day, but to Hannah—standing amidst the throng of gravestones—the warmth of the sun was gone, and the songs of the birds may as well have been the crackling of thunder. It was almost as if a permanent black cloud hung over the course of the cemetery as entertainment to all those who went to visit their deceased. Even the grass looked dull and grey despite the warm spring weather and weekly bouts of fertilizer. The only thing that hinted at any sign of life was the flowers that scattered all over the premise. Nevertheless, even they were fading as quickly as a flash of lightening.

“Mom, dad, it’s me—Hannah.”

The wind caught her voice like a whisper as she stood in front of a large marble gravestone.

“I bought you your favourite flowers, mom,” she continued as she bent down to replace the old and lifeless bunch that was already in front of the gravestone with the new bouquet of fresh red and white roses. A moment before she stood up, she reached out her hand, and lightly traced her fingers over the writings engraved on the monument.

In Loving Memory

Of

Matthew Song & Leah Song

1963-2002 & 1966-2002

Those we love don’t go away; they walk beside us every day.

Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed, and forever so dear

‘Don’t cry,’ said a voice in her head, ‘don’t cry.’

It was hard not to, especially as she reminisced the past when her parents were still alive. Nonetheless, memories after memories flooded her mind, and a part of her wished she was still that naive and innocent 9 year old girl who had nothing in the world to worry about except for what to wear to school the next day, and whether or not the boy she had a crush on would push her on the swings instead of playing soccer with his friends.

Even to this very day she had no idea how her parents had died. To be more clear, to a certain extent she knew how her parents had died.

“I’m so sorry, Hannah. Your parents passed away.”

That was what Jay had told her when she asked why her parents didn’t move to Canada with them. Every time she asked him what had happened that night, how her mommy and daddy could leave her alone in this world, he would always shrink away and avoid her questions like a plague…like answering her was opening up Pandora’s box.

“Hannah, sweetie, please stop asking these questions. You’ll understand more as you grow up. It’s just not the right time for me to be telling you anything because you won’t understand anyway. Your parents are happily living in Heaven now, okay?”

So she stopped asking because she felt guilty for getting Jay mad at her. Young and innocent, death was still a foreign concept to her. All she knew was that mommy and daddy were in a better place called ‘heaven’. At least that was how her dad had described death to her when her puppy passed away when she was 8. Of course she wished she could turn back the years and figure out what really happened, but the past was the past; there was nothing she could do to change any of it. She had accepted her parents’ death, but there was never a night where she didn’t think back to the days when they were still alive.

“Mom, dad, I’m so sorry it took me this long to visit you two. Please, please forgive me. I haven’t been the best daughter in the world, and I’m truly sorry. Good news, though, I’m back for good. I’ll take care of you two, and I’ll make sure to visit very often. Let me show you who I’ve become, and make you two proud of me.” She looked up to the sky, afraid to let the tears fall. She was never one to cry, even when she fell off the swings, or when people bullied her for being weird, and not knowing how to speak English. She learnt to control her emotions because her daddy had once told her that crying and allowing defeat would only make people bully her more. Being ousted only made her stronger, and blessed her to become the woman she was now.

Suddenly, light showers started to rain down on her. Not hard enough to soak her, but gentle enough to feel the wetness on her face. All the years of holding back tears finally made its way out, blending in with the rain. No matter how hard she willed herself, she just couldn’t.

“Dad, let me cry... just this once. I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been through a lot, you know, especially since you and mom decided to leave without me. And finally, now, seeing you and mom, I really, really miss you. My heart hurts, it really does. Can you hear me? Are you watching me right now? If you are, I promise that I’m going to cry just this once, and then I’ll try my hardest to keep this promise. Pinky swear...” She stuck out her pinky, but nobody was there. Her dad wasn’t there, her mom wasn’t there. It was just her and her alone through all this.

Indeed, if her parents were watching, they would cry right along with her. Perhaps they were, hence the gentle shower. But they would smile seeing how much Hannah has grown, and how strong she has become. She was their daughter, after all. And that began her time spent with her parents, just the three of them with nobody else in sight that early morning at the cemetery. Ignoring the rain, Hannah told her parents about everything; from getting settled in with Jay, how he took care of her, to learning the English alphabet and becoming valedictorian in high school, to her first big girl job... she spilt the beans. If there were people passing by, they would see her tear streaked face, but hear her joyous voice; sweet, just like honey.

At last, being reunited with her parents; which was all she could have wished for. Maybe, just maybe, it was a good choice to move back to Korea—no, that was the right choice. And as the morning swung by, it felt right; everything felt just right, like pieces of a puzzle being put together. Despite a rough start the past few days, things looked up for her as she settled into the new place and found that her neighbours were quite the friendly bunch, albeit much older than her.

Seeing how time flew by, Hannah soon knew she had to say goodbye; she couldn’t stay there for forever, as much as she would love to. She stood up, not even noticing that the rain had stopped already, and brushed off the dirt on her pants. Taking one last look at her parents’ grave, she reached out and brushed her fingers along her parents’ name.

“Hannah, mom and dad will love you until the end of time.” She smiled as she remembered what her parents would always say to her before tucking her into bed. “Mom, dad, I will love you until the end of time,” she tenderly promised—a promise made to be kept forever.

I’m in Korea.

Yes, she really was in Korea. Finally, after years of doing research and learning about the country, she made her big move here. Of course, moving to Seoul wasn’t on a whim—that was not how Hannah worked. Just like chess, she examined every possibility before making her calculated move to win the prize. Precisely, every move, every step, was heavily deliberated before she jumped onto the airplane. She wasn’t keen on moving to Seoul without a plan in her back pocket; that was irresponsible, and if anything was to happen to her, she would not allow stupidity be her demise. But now that she actually walked the earths of her birth place, it was undeniably more than she had prepared herself with emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Back to the beginning: that was how she felt. Despite being ‘home’, she certainly didn’t feel home sweet home. She knew the language, yes, but no family and no friends practically made this place her Canada when she was 10 years old. It was almost as if time had turned back to when Jay and she had first moved to Canada. It seemed like the struggles they had to face to fit into a whole new world was something she had to face now, but all by herself this time. However, this was just the beginning, and there’s a long ways to go; Hannah was not about to give up. In fact, she was more than excited to put a start to her new home, her new life. Jay was excited for her too, knowing how much she had wanted this. Jay. She was going to miss him.

As if her phone could read beneath the poundings of her heart, it suddenly vibrated and indicated an incoming call.

“Jay!” She blissfully exclaimed into the phone.

“How’s my lady doing? I miss you tons already, and it hasn’t even been five days.”

“I miss you too! I almost lost my luggage, but that’s nothing big.”

“Ha. I called it. I knew you were going to lose something.” Sometimes Hannah would forget that Jay was old enough to be her dad because of the way he acted, or spoke. “I’m glad you found it though. Make sure to take care of yourself, alright? Now that I’m not there, don’t forget to take your daily vitamins and drink eight cups of water every day.” And sometimes, Hannah wondered how lucky she must have been to find a father and a mother figure in Jay. And she loved it; every moment with him she loved it.   

“I will, I will! How could I forget when there’s like a hundred bottles of vitamins in my bag? Stop being such a mom.” And it soothed her hearing the sound of Jay’s laugh, even if it was just through the phone.

“Okay, fine. But listen to me. You’re alone now, it can be dangerous. If there’s anything I can ask of you, please take care of yourself. I don’t want to turn on the TV one day and see you on headline news. I know you know what you’re doing, and I know what you’re capable of doing. I trust you, but I need you to remember everything we talked about.”

“I know, Jay, I know,” she softly whispered a reply. “I won’t forget.”

“Okay beautiful. I love you, always and forever.”

She felt her heart squeeze at those words. “I love you too, Jay. You better be working out that beer belly of yours every day or else you’re in trouble the next time I see you.”

Her heart flipped again when she heard his familiar thunderous boom of a laugh. “That, I can promise you. Since my one and only lady is now gone, I’ll be hunting for a new one.”

Her loud laugh brought unneeded attention to herself, and before she could attract even more people her way, she quickened her steps and discretely sped walked away from the scrutiny of the crowd. “Alright, I wish you luck on your endeavor. Just don’t cause trouble, please. Jay, I have to go. Phone’s running low on batteries.”

“Take care, my love, and bring me back rice cakes some times. Love you.”

“Love you!” She finished off and ended the call. Feeling a hundred percent more energized, she didn’t realize how much she missed Jay and home until the very much needed call. But hearing Jay, and seeing how much support he’s giving her, everything felt at peace, like she was here on a mission, and she won’t stop until she’s finished that mission. And to begin the start of her new life, she was going to need, first and foremost, a job. Luckily for her, she knew she was able to cut her job search short because she knew exactly where she was going to find that job.