Sehun groaned as he buried his head into his arms. It was yet another tough day in school and he felt as though someone was suffocating him. Plus, he didn’t like how he was always glancing at Yojung unconsciously.

It was really annoying. What was exactly the thing holding him back? Why can’t he just forget Yojung and get on with life? What is wrong with him? It’s not like they shared many memories together.

Yes, she was Sehun’s first crush ever. But it was only that. Nothing more. So why was he so attached to her? Why?

Sehun huffed in annoyance as he watched Yojung talk and joke around with her girlfriends.

Well, she seems to be moving well huh?

Sehun scoffed before lifting his backpack onto his shoulders and striding out of class. With his mind occupied with Yojung, he made his way home as he tried to figure out how he would get over Yojung.

After all, it’s just a crush.

And crushed weren’t suppose to last or turn into love.

Right?

-

Sehun frowned as he texted Tao on the phone.

Apparently Tao was telling him about his friend, Jihye, who was supposedly having a crush on him.

Sehun couldn’t quite digest this piece of news since, well, he didn’t think there was any part of him that was worth crushing for. Plus, he was in the stage of moving on which was already so hard. So he pretty much couldn’t handle having someone crushing on him right now. There was no way, right now, that he could return any type of feelings. So, he figured he had better talk to her about it before he unknowingly breaks her heart.

What he didn’t was that he was in turn getting his own heart broken.

-

Sehun got Jihye’s number and he started texting her.

It started out pretty awkward because despite them being in the same class for several years, he had never actually talked to her before. Like real conversation.

But gradually, they started talking more and more.

It surprised Sehun how quickly he had gotten along with Jihye. He had explained and told her how she wouldn’t be able to return her feelings and Jihye, who was an understanding girl, accepted that fact and they promised to remain as friends. Turns out Jihye was a really easy going person and Sehun could talk anything with her. Eventually when their conversation end for that day, Jihye gave a cute request.

Apparently Jihye had asked Sehun if it was okay to talk to him because she was bored and if they could talk a lot more during the holidays when they were free.

Sehun found it cute that Jihye asked for permission to talk to him. And of coruse, he said that they could of course talk more.

And soon, Sehun found himself on the phone more than he usually would be. Sehun and Jihye would talk on a daily basis and it wasn’t weird that they would end up talking for hours. Sehun found himself smiling more often and he knew he was looking forward to their conversations each day.

Normally, it would be Jihye who would initiate the conversation. And Sehun was kind of thankful for that because he had never actually liked initiating a conversation simply because he was afraid that he would bother that person.

-

When I was standing at the end of the world and couldn’t see the path, I needed someone.

The Sehun who was trying to get over Yojung, was struggling and suffering every day. No one was there to pull him out of the nets of all those memories, no one was there to pull him out of darkness,no one was there to be the light. And so he waited.

You are the long awaited rain on my droughty day.

And there came Jihye, Sehun’s savior.

Every day as time passes by, Sehun was able to take his mind off Yojung somehow when he was talking to Jihye. Jihye kept his mind off things that he didn’t want to remember. Jihye was there to cheer him up every day and lend him a helping hand. Sehun was really glad that Jihye had came into his life because if it weren’t for her, Sehun knew that he wouldn’t have seen and sign of light as of right now.

You soaked my heart and gave me courage.     

If it weren’t for Jihye who was encouraging and giving him strength, Sehun knew that he would still be far away from his destination which is to get over Yojung. Now, he was so much closer to getting over Yojung than he was before. Because now, he had Jihye with him on this road towards recovery.

You make me fly and smile again.

Jihye somehow brought back the inner cheerfulness of Sehun and ever so often now, ou could see Sehun smiling. It wasn’t fake anymore and he looked forward to going to school more now. Sehun was able to do things without thinking of Yojung now because there was someone else who was on his mind. A smile would be on his face every now and then when he thought about her.

Sehun would get home as fast as he could every day and do all of the things he should quickly before sitting down on the couch and waiting for Jihye’s message to come. His anticipation was so obvious. His eyes always twinkled when he received Jihye’s message and you would always find two crescent on his face.

-

Honestly, it was not easy for me to say that I liked you when we first met.

Sehun could feel himself starting to like Jihye more and more as time passes by. Even if they were only communicating through their phones, Sehun could feel her sincerity and kindness. Since they were too shy to talk in real life, no one actually knows other thanTao, that they were talking to each other.

It’s true that I was afraid to fall deeper in love, for fear of getting myself hurt.

Sehun naturally had a phobia for love since his heart was broken once by Yojung despite it being only a crush. He was timid in admitting his feelings. He didn’t want to get attached anymore simply because he was afraid that he would get hurt. He knew that Jihye wouldn’t hurt her but he was still scared. Having your heart broken isn’t a joke and it hurts a lot. It took Sehun quite a lot of courage to confess to Yojung but look what they ended up as. Sehun was afraid that something like this would happen with Jihye too.

Just what if? What if Jihye got to know Sehun more as time passes by and find that he wasn’t what she wanted? What if Jihye got tired of him and didn’t want to talk to him anymore? What if- enough. All the what ifs were making Sehun’s head spin and he would appreciate if his mind could stop with all these questions.

But he was really thankful towards Jihye who stayed by his side when he was in his dark times, supporting him and encouraging im which eventually helped him move on over Yojung who was now his ex-crush.

I’m in love. I’m falling in love.

Sehun knows that he was developing a crush for Jihye and he couldn’t really deny his feelings anymore. He knew how he felt. He knew that he loved to talk to Jihye and he knew his anticipation every single day to talk to Jihye was not a joke. It was clear what his feelings was.

He was falling in love with Jihye. Or maybe, it’s just a crush now.

I’m not afraid as long as I’m with you.

Somehow, he plucked up his courage and Tao, his messenger, helped him deliver his confession to Jihye. It was really awkward. But Sehun felt a sense of relief wash over him when he knew that Jihye had not lost her feelings for him. He was so afraid that she hhad gotten over him.

I thought I’m never gonna fall in love, but I’m in love.

The boy who got his heart broken, the boy who told himself to never fall in love again, was in love. And more than ever. The boy who never knew he had got the courage to love, was in love. The boy who didn’t know he had the ability to love, was in love.

Oh Sehun was in love.

-

But somehow, they drifted apart.

Jihye started being distant. She didn’t really react much to what Sehun was saying anymore. She only talked more and got more excited when they were talking about school. It wasn’t like that before. Last time, no matter what they were talking about, the both of them would have loads to say and they wouldn’t ever want to leave their phone. But now, there was sort of a tension that made Sehun suffocate. Of course Sehun noticed this. But he never voiced it out because when he] had voiced his opinion out to Yojung last time, they didn’t end well.

Sehun was hoping that everything would be alright after a while and that Jihye would eventually come back.

Oh, how wrong was he.

Jihye instead got even more distant from him and she started pulling away from Sehun more. Their conversations got lesser, her replies became shorted, and Sehun becomes even more restless.

He was trying to figure out what he had done wrong. Was he too clingy? Was he too annoying? Did he irritate Jihye?

But all he knew was that he didn’t dare to be clingy. He was always careful. So what was happening? It really left Sehun in a pool of agony.

He wanted to text Jihye first but once again, he was afraid, he was being a coward. He feared that Jihye would find him annoying, he feared that Jihye would be angry at him. And so he didn’t.

Which he deeply regrets.

Because on the week of his birthday, he received no text at all from him until the day of his birthday. That 4 days was one of the worst days he had ever encountered. He debated whether or not he should text Jihye or not which in the end he did not. He wondered what he did wrong and tortured himself with his thoughts. He had never spent days like these 4 before and he would like to say that he would never ever want to experience it again.

He was kind of angry when Jihye texted him on his birthday. HE had asked whether she was busy but she said no. And that was when he knew something was terribly wrong. So wrong he couldn’t fix it anymore.

For the weekend, he debated and hoped for her texts but none came. And that was when he made a decision.

He was letting her go.

What really broke his heart was, there wasn’t much reaction from Jihye.

And there he goes again, getting his heart broken again.

-

Since you left I’m always sad. Being sad seems to be not enough, I find a place to be sad.

Sehun never lived a day being genuinely happy after that. He was always bothered and there was always an aura of grey around him.  He was no longer the old Sehun he was. He completely changed.

He became cold. He became quiet. He stopped talking and only listened or observed. He changed a lot.

But no one noticed.

Tears I shed on a narrow driveway. Tears I shed without anyone seeing. I try not to be weak. My tears.

Sehun fell apart like never before. The strong person he was became weak. Occasionally, he would cry. Alone. Always. Sometimes on a narrow driveway, sometimes on his way home. Most of the time, it was in his bed room.

On nights where he was so vulnerable, he completely broke down. He shed tears without anyone knowing. He cried into his pillow and bit his fist to prevent sobs from escaping. It was hard, very hard.

Life had never been easy for him since. He didn’t really had any friends with him at that point of time and he was completely lost. He was lost in the woods and could not find his way home.

It’s nervous to be without you, I go blank after letting you go.

Sehun didn’t know what to do after everything. He just lived every day repeating the thing he did the previous day. He was like a robot. He didn’t do anything else except for study, eat ,sleep and breathe.

He wants to stop doing all of those though.

-

I happened to hear about how you were doing. I think you are doing well.

It’s been a long time since Sehun said his goodbyes. He heard about Jihye today from Tao and he said she was doing well.  Sehun smiled bitterly as bitterness settled in his heart.

He was glad that Jihye was doing well and fine. But he wasn’t.

He still liked her. He still revisited their memories. He would still cry himself to sleep at night because of her.

He was suffering from insomnia and it wasn’t good because he had school and it was really hard to wake up the next morning. He was always dozing off in class.

Nothing was going right for him. Everything was so bad. He wanted to just slip off into his own world and never come back.

But it’s the same. The pain follows and haunts him every day.

I believe it’s better this way, you look happier.

Despite the fact that he was bitter when he heard Jihye was doing well, he was happy for her. It seems as though he made a good choice in letting her go although he was the on suffering. It seems as though Jihye was much more happier now when tao described. Sehun was glad that Jihye was happy now that she was away from him.

They never kept in contact because Sehun did not want to. It hurt him.

With a little bitterness in heart(sadness in heart), after I roam around all our past memories, I drown myself in the depth of the night. Strangely, I become sadder.

Sehun would always pick out some memories and then watch it a like film in his mind. Although it was mostly made up of words since they only communicate through their phones, it was enough to bring Sehun down to the bottom of sadness. Although he was hurting looking at these memories, he still do it no matter what and he wondered why too. Maybe because he wants to remember her words, her encouragement, her support, that he would never see ever again.

Even when I miss you (so goodbye goodbye), even when I think about you more, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay. As long as you are happy.

Sehun was used to missing Jihye. He would just allow himself to miss her as it was the least he could do. He was fine, he was okay. He wasn’t that bothered with fact that he missed her since it was normal. He just wasn’t sure if it was normal to still be missing her after such a long time. He just wanted her to be happy. He just wanted to see her smile when she stole glances at her in school. He just wanted to hear her chirpy voice.

And that was when Sehun noticed what he could do for someone he loves as long as they were happy.

When I was with you, before I let you go, I loved you with everything I had. I don’t have any regrets because I believed that I was the only one for you.

Sehun had nothing to regret though. He was sure that he had given his all to Jihye. When he believed that they were going to be together forever, he had given all that he had. He was pleased with himself at that. Although it might have been better if…

Love you, I love you. I love you. I hadn’t even spoken the words, I just let you go.

It might have been better if Sehun had gotten to really confess his feelings. He was too timid and shy to confess his feelings to Jihye. Even his confession was delivered by Tao. If he had done it on his own, it would have been better, would it?

Sorry, I’m sorry.

Sehun felt really sorry towards Jihye because it felt as though Jihye was the only one who was giving in the short time they were together. Because he was a coward, he didn’t really showed much of his feelings which he thought was really bad as he had let a girl do everything.

-

Could you remember this, that I was once by your side.

Sehun wanted Jihye to remember at least, that he was once by her side. He wanted her to remember that he had once been the one there for her. He wanted her to know that he had sincerely liked her before and now, loving her.

Are you healthy? I’m worried.

Sehun was really worried about Jihye’s health. He didn’t want her to get sick. He wanted her to be healthy, to be the active girl she was. If she was healthy, somehow it made him feel as though he should be healthy too. I guess this is the thing about love. You want the person you love to be healthy, to not get sick. And this is love. Sehun loves Jihye.

I’m sure you are happy but I’ll pray for you.

Every night, before going to sleep, Sehun prayed for Jihye. He prayed for Jihye’s health, Jihye’s happiness and every single thing for Jihye. Despite knowing that she was healthy, sehun wanted to make sure Jihye would always be happy by praying for her every single night. God would be able to sense his sincerity and would hopefully keep Jihye happy always. And that was what Sehun wanted.

Remember, even if you’re with someone else, that I was once by your side.

Sehun knew that Jihye had moved on, and there was someone else out there who was looking after her. It made Sehun feel at ease despite the slight pain. IF she could, he would want her to remember him. The guy who was there once, a short period of 6 months, but loved her deeply.

-

Sehun didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. Seems as though depression was starting to eat him up. There were scars on his thighs, and on his heart too. He couldn’t move on over Jihye. He thought he could, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t handle this anymore. He wants to give up.

And slowly, Sehun’s eyes became really dark and empty.

And this year, he decided, for his birthday, he might wish for himself…

To be dead.