Youngjae liked Daehyun; Daehyun liked Youngjae.

It was a little something they learned just few months into his last year of high school, when the threat of separation had finally made itself apparent between them, and blush of infatuation had crept further into their hearts. Youngjae had approached him first with his confession; and Daehyun could never forget how he found him to be a man then, not just the boy he knew from a year below.



"I like you, hyung," Youngjae spoke with his gaze locked straight into his. He had said those words with so much strength, yet Daehyun hadn't failed to notice how the younger bit ever so lightly onto his lips, or how his breathing had dangerously slowed; it took him little effort to hear the subtle vibrato that lingered in the younger's voice. He felt the tenseness it possessed; he could see how scared he really was. 

To be utterly honest, Daehyun was scared too.

And Youngjae seemed to read him just as well. He knew, because as soon as the older's lips had parted to give away an answer he wasn't even able to piece together, he had already brought his own to press a careful kiss against Daehyun's.

 

"It's okay if you don't like me back," Youngjae said through shallow breaths when he pulled away some long moments later.
 

"I just want you to know that no matter what, I'm here for you as a friend, and that I want you to be happy even after you leave." 

It never failed to, but the last word seemed to trouble Daehyun more than he thought.



It wasn't that he rejected the younger; in fact, things managed to go right back to normal even after what had happened. Daehyun never actually gave him a distinct 'yes' or 'no,' yet the two still ended up spending lunch together, sometimes even those afternoons, when their classes ended and the sun was just about set. They still managed to get closer, much more than either of them expected; and in all those times they had talked, the younger had never failed to give him less than a smile. Daehyun couldn't help but question himself if Youngjae really did smile deep inside, when that was all he would do on the outside.


It troubled Daehyun to an extent, because Youngjae never seemed to be disheartened despite the fact that he had left him unanswered. When graduation neared and came, they both knew that perhaps things were never going to happen the same way – Daehyun would go, and the younger would stay. Daehyun would move on to college, while Youngjae would stay in his steps, living the life of a student alone, like he should – unblemished by feelings, or the anxiety of separation. Things would go back to normal; they would be two boys living the tracks of life again, except something would have been missing.
 

Yet Youngjae always smiled. He kept smiling, even after he said it.

 

"Goodbye hyung."


 

Daehyun still found it ironic, whenever he recalled all those things: how he had always been the one complimented for his handsome, masculine charms, yet here he was rendered helpless and hopeless - rather, indecisive - simply because of a little happening he was afraid to gamble on. For all Daehyun could possibly know, he was at fault; he was the coward, the one who couldn't just say 'yes' - when it was Youngjae who always said it was 'okay.'


The more he thought about it, he told himself that maybe - maybe it wasn't because he fell out of his feelings for the younger that he had never allowed him into his definite embrace. When it came, the memory still went on so clear in his mind: that from the moment they met down the corner of their school library, when Youngjae was in the middle of singing and Daehyun in the middle of passing by - it was when he had first found himself drawn to the unusually husky voice, when the feeling of mutual attraction already surfaced.

The way it all happened so quickly - the subtle hints of interest were the glints of the eyes; the little sparks or prolonged touches that weren't spoken of, but were obviously acknowledged. Yet they were never something he entertained - that in the short period of time he had set his eyes on the other, Daehyun had never found himself ready to take their friendship - or relationship, he didn't understand - any further. For a long time, he wasn't sure of himself, if he was really ready to make such a commitment. He felt affection, the warmth of passion, and even care.



But Daehyun wasn't sure if he was ready to call it 'love.'








"What are you doing? Did you eat?"


And Daehyun did find it quite funny, how today of all days, he had slipped into the warm confines of a cafe with a lone saucer of cheesecake, and his mobile phone in hand.

But there they were, on the screen - the pixelated words stood out to him just a little too brightly, and they were words that he couldn't bring himself to look at. They were words that pooled butterflies in his stomach, and spilled trouble in his chest.



Because he was, seven and a half months after graduation, chasing his old fears with a trembling right hand. Here he was, months after the realization, asking himself the question one more time, repeating and finally figuring out the mystery.


His fingertip hovered over the buttons, and he decided in a split-second everything else.

♥