Jongin tosses and turns a few times before finally rolling onto his stomach, smothering his head with a pillow and trying to drown out the annoying buzzes from his phone all the while. He ducked under the covers, choosing to ignore the messages until morning when smothering didn't work. Whoever's texting him didn't seem to have caught the memo as they're still blowing up his phone. Groaning in frustration, he leaned over to grab his phone, only to flinch away from its unnervingly bright glare. The caller ID flashed up at him. Why is Luhan texting him? Shouldn't he be spending the night at his boyfriend's house?

Luhan: jongin
Luhan: this is an emergency
Luhan: s.o.s.
Luhan: don't leave your hyung hanging

"I'm not answering those."

...

Jongin answers the texts.

Kai: sumbody better be dying
Luhan: JONGIN
Luhan: MY TAN SUPERMAN HAS ARRIVED
Kai: and hes leaving in 5 secs if u dont tell him y ur texting him at 3 am
Luhan: okay
Luhan: so you know how i'm spending the night at sehun's right
Kai: i swear to god if ur texting me just to talk about how much ur going to have sehun will no longer have a bf
Luhan: dude
Luhan: not this time
Luhan: i need guidance
Kai: im ur tan superman not dr. phil go text sumone else
Luhan: are you crazy they'd skin me alive for waking them up
Kai: and what makes u think i wouldnt
Luhan: oh c'mon
Luhan: be a good dongsaeng and help your hyung out

Jongin throws his phone on the bed and ducks back under the covers.

...

He picks the phone up again.

Kai: fine
Kai: talk or im turning my phone off
Luhan: it's sehun
Luhan: he wants something idk if i can give

Jongin pauses to stare at his phone. There's no way he's talking to Lu "Sehun-and-I-totally-did-it-last-night" Han.

Kai: well it cant be ur ity cuz u told me u lost it already
Luhan: no
Luhan: it's even worse
Luhan: sehun wants my buttginity

Jongin turned his phone off.

Okay, he knows he made a jerk move, but what are you supposed to do when your friend suddenly drops a bombshell like that? Jongin needed a few minutes to digest and prepare for trauma based on where it seemed this conversation was headed.

Kai: luhan
Luhan: i express my cold feet on getting a up my and you turn your phone off
Kai: sry my finger slipped
Luhan: really
Kai: rlly
Luhan: i don't believe you
Kai: ...
Kai: so sehun wants u to bottom
Luhan: YES
Kai: and u said
Luhan: YES
Kai: but u dont want to bottom
Luhan: idk honestly
Kai: then find out if u do
Luhan: have you tried taking it up the jongin
Kai: no
Luhan: EXACTLY
Luhan: HIS IS NOT JUST GONNA MAGICALLY SLIDE ITS WAY UP MY
Luhan: THERE'S A LONG TIRING PROCESS WITH AT LEAST 3 FINGERS AND LUBE
Luhan: BASED ON WHAT THE INTERNET HAS TOLD ME
Luhan: IT'S NOT PRETTY JONGIN

This conversation is not going smoothly. Jongin doesn't know what to tell him. Maybe if you close your eyes and count to ten, you won't notice it enter you? It's too early for him to be dealing with this.

Kai: this is getting uncomfortable
Luhan: JUST LIKE I WILL WHEN I TAKE IT UP THE
Luhan: HELP ME
Kai: im not an expert
Luhan: i need you
Luhan: to google everything about it
Luhan: make sure i didn't miss anything
Kai: ...
Luhan: hurry up sehun went to go pick up some condoms
Luhan: i brought the lube
Luhan: he'll be back any minute now
Kai: is it too late to go back to sleep
Luhan: JONGIN
Kai: okay okay ill try
Luhan: bless

Jongin couldn't believe he's about to go through with this. He knew one day his (somewhat existent) loyalty would be his downfall, but not like this. Never like this. He can do this, it's just googling the process of ; how hard can it be? Jongin flips open his laptop and turns it on, pulling up the browser.

...

Why is this so hard?

(Pun not intended.)

At first there was a load of videos where the bottom looked like he literally bathed in lube beforehand, and the top only used two fingers to spread him out before slipping his right in the bottom. Wait - Luhan told him it doesn’t work like that. Why is it working like that? Jongin can’t decide which is worst about the video: the half-assed or the music playing in the background.

Throwing caution to the wind, Jongin types "how to have " into the Google search bar and clicks on a site called Gay Life. The article talks about the six secrets to gay (secrets Jongin didn't want to know). He skims through it thinking, 'alright, this sounds reasonable and not physically impossible.'

Kai: luhan
Luhan: gimme the run-down
Kai: okay this is all i got
Kai: u need to bathe in lube
Kai: slip one finger in
Kai: wait until ur ready to give the go ahead
Kai: slip in another finger when u have adjusted to it
Kai: repeat steps until finger 3
Kai: happy ???
Luhan: wait
Luhan: what about the in my part
Kai: DONT DO IT
Kai: gay life says u need to practice with ur fingers before doing all the way
Luhan: what the is gay life
Kai: gay life is where u shouldve gone instead of me
Luhan: jongin
Kai: yeah
Luhan: thanks
Luhan: and stop typing gay life like that jfc
Kai: ur welcome
Kai: and no never
Kai: pls dont ask for advice again
Kai: when its 3am
Kai: can i go back to bed now
Luhan: yeah i hear sehun coming in
Kai: bye
Luhan: i'll give you the details later
Luhan: ;)
Kai: pls no
Luhan: <3

Jongin shuts down his laptop and turns off his phone, falling into his bed with a relieved sigh. Playing Dr. Phil was hard; he hasn't given his hyungs enough credit.

Finally, he can get some rest now. He douses off as soon as he shuts his eyes.

Wait.

His phone's going off again.

Jongin cries comically as he leans over to check his clock. It hasn't even been five minutes yet. He grabs his phone, preparing to type something nasty - wait, hold on. That isn't Luhan.

Sehun: Kai
Sehun: Why the hell does my boyfriend look like he bathed in a bottle of lube?
Kai: ...
Kai: gay life

He turns off his phone again and quickly rolls back into bed.

I didn't choose the gay life, the gay life chose me.