Oh Sehun

"Every night before I sleep, I lay awake on the bed and I pray-"  steady yourself Oh Sehun, this is broadcasting live, don't lose your cool. Breathe in, breathe out, do it all over again. He keeps chanting this mantra in his head, reminding himself not to lose himself. Oh Sehun is brave, Oh Sehun can't shed tears. Oh Sehun don't be a baby, you can do this come on. The tear ducts do not obey his commands, they fall regardless. Around him he can hear the varying voices of s telling him "it's ok", "hyungs know you love us", "don't cry". He wishes for once those stupid ducts could be obedient. 

Take three Sehun, end this segment nicely, it's the least you can do for them. 

"-and I pray- Our members, let's not fight anymore and rely on each other. I-I hope we can happily last till the end together. I love you."

You did it Sehun, good job.

-ll-

" Hun- ah, grow taller ok, till you reach hyung's height one day."

Sehun shoots the tall childish Chinese leader a look before nodding. "ok hyung, I promise just wait and see"

-ll-

Betrayal is the most apt word to describe what he feels now, actually no mix in confusion into the cocktail. Scratch that its not the proper way to describe this feeling. What is this? Sadness? Anger? 

He does not know and he is too tired to know. Why can't he return to those days where the worst trouble he could get into was snatching his friend's pencil or pulling a girl's ponytail. So many years of friendship and it all comes down to this. People said they flopped in their first year. He worked hard to prove them wrong with sweat, tears and blood. Hugging each other when the confetti fell on them, laughing at how Joonmyun hyung was ugly crying in front of rolling cameras, winning their first daesang, they all did it together. Even when the naysayers put them down with their words behind keyboards, the crazy girls that called themselves fans following after them all day and all night, they pulled through.

Together as one. We are one.

Were they really one? Sure, maybe in sync in their dancings, or what little lines both of them were offered but somewhere down the road one of them fell off the bandwagon. That one person was left rolling in the dust.

-ll-

Hyung, if you fell into dirt you know that we were willing to jump off with you right? We've made it through so far, we've proved them wrong, weren't we put together for this purpose? A group is meant to unify individuals and you the leader of the band was the guiding light. EXO-K and EXO-M without either, it wouldn't be complete. Without you it wouldn't be complete.

When TVXQ sunbaes and Super Junior sunbaes went through their split I swore to myself that when I made my debut this would never ever happen to my group. Wasn't the curse only supposed to strike after 5 years? We've barely made it past 2-- there is still 3 more years to use up hyung. There is still time to spare before we all grow old and look back to reminiscence the youth we had. Even then, those times spent practicing together till the sun set were they not precious enough to you that you would perhaps speak to us about the problems you faced? Hyung, I'm drained. I do not want this position as maknae, I want to be in control of things for once instead of sitting on the back seat watching everything happen before my eyes. I want to fill up this empty void in my heart.

-ll-

Hyung I'm growing up healthily and taller as I promised you I would.

But who would be there to see me hold my word when you are gone?